Open Letter to 28B

To the self-centered, dickhead passenger sitting across the aisle from us on Flight 2055:

You, sir, are a jackass of the first order.

Whereas you continued to conduct your lengthy cell phone call far after the announcement was made to turn off all electronic devices, a call that included such vital pieces of business as discussing Superbowl party plans, giving detailed driving directions to your children who presumably had never heard of Mapquest, and urging those same surely insufferable children to let you know what they decide to do about the Superbowl party.

Whereas you began the phone call with the pushy and irritating "Who's this?" when the person you were calling said "Hello?"

Whereas your likewise annoying wife also had to make similarly lengthy, pre-departure cell phone calls

Whereas anytime you spoke, you chose to do so as loudly as possible, not considering that perhaps those around you might not be so eager to hear anything you had to say

Whereas you asked the flight attendant serving beverages to please mix together two different kind of juices (but not tomato) so that your sophisticated and pampered palate might find the proper quenching, thinking perhaps you were at some snotty country club rather than crammed into coach like those of us who were okay with Diet Coke

Whereas you kept politely quiet until your pre-mixed beverage was delivered, but then decided to ask for the flight attendant's life story, thereby tying her up in your droning, uninteresting conversation and preventing anyone else from getting their beverage

Whereas you decided to intercept another passenger innocently passing by on his way to the bathroom to engage him in another of your now-patented pointless and asinine chit-chats about whatever came into your pea brain, again conducting this conversation in a loud speaking voice just inches from other passengers trying to sleep or read quietly

Whereas this loud conversation lasted 30 minutes and including fascinating details about your stupid jobs, your stupid colleges, and your stupid friends and family

Whereas this loud conversation also clogged the aisle and forced other passengers to squeeze past you and your new best friend forever

Whereas the "please fasten your seat belts" sign didn't apply to you

Together, these make you an expert in the fine art of jackassery. As a reward, we spent most of the flight wishing great harm to befall you. May a beating with a stick be in your future.

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