My mascot can beat up your mascot (NBA edition)

If imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, who better to flatter than ourselves?

We ranked the NFL mascots last year and wanted to do the same exercise for the NBA. Which basketball mascots, in the real world, are the scariest? Which would you not want to meet in a cage match?

1. Suns– In theory, there’s nothing more powerful than a sun. Heat, light, radiation. And we’re talking plural suns here. It’s really no contest. Plus they have Steve Nash.

Next up are the big animals that can take you out with one flick of their claws/horns.

2. Raptors – We saw Jurassic Park.
3. Grizzlies
4. Bulls

Now the aggressive humans.

5. Warriors – It’s right there in the name. They fight. But then again, they are from the Golden State. How fierce can they really be?
6. Wizards – We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt here and assume the can cast some really nasty spells.
7. Kings – They’ll just order someone else to kill you, like a Warrior or a Wizard.

Which leads to the smaller animals. You can probably fend them off, but they’ll do some serious damage first

9. Bobcats
10. Bucks
11. Hawks
12. Hornets – But only if we’re talking a swarm. One on one, it’s no contest. Just get some Black Flag.

We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel now. Nothing much scary left. Might as well have an NBA team called the Accountants or the iPods.

13. Mavericks – Presumably they like to do things their own way.
14. Blazers
15. Celtics
16. Cavaliers – Whatever, dude. We’re, like, totally cavalier.
17. Lakers – We’ve never met a laker in the real world. Have you?

Now come some a couple of strange abstractions.

18. Heat – If we give the Suns the number-one slot, we should at least give heat some props.
19. Magic – Seriously, though. The "Magic"? Are they serious?

Which leaves a bunch of inanimate objects. A curious trend for NBA teams.

20. Rockets – Stick a nuclear warhead on the tip and we’ll see who’s scary.
21. Pacers
22. Clippers
23. Pistons
24. Spurs – They’d have to be really, really sharp spurs.
25. Thunder – Your mascot, Oklahoma City, is essentially sound waves.
26. Nuggets – You could hock them, we suppose.

It’s a four-way tie for last place.

27. Nets – At least it’s basketball-related. The next expansion team may want to look into trademarking the name Gatorade-Bottles.
27. Knicks – Aren’t these a kind of pants?
27. 76ers – Which is a what exactly, someone very very patriotic?
27. Jazz – At least thunder can startle you. Nothing much startling about “Birdland.”

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