6. The line to board the plane, part one - At least at the gate you have room to sort of stretch out on on those fake leather chairs, charge your phone if you're lucky to find a working outlet, grab some overpriced food and drink, ignore the background noise of whatever toothless pseudo-news program is running in the background (even vanilla-flavored CNN seems to trigger certain folks), and study the strange assortment of people walking by in all kinds of clothing, hairdos, ages, and body types. It can be a long wait, but at least you have amenities.
5. The line to check your bags - Like so many businesses now, customers are asked to do extra work that used to be handled by airline employees. And so we dutifully use kiosk touchscreens to print boarding passes and luggage tags. This free labor, of course, provides no cost savings. The good news is that this line usually moves pretty quick, both at the kiosks and then also dropping off your bag at the counter. We imagine this step will soon be eliminated somehow and we'll end up being the ones to toss our bags onto that conveyor belt. What service do those clerks provide other than asking about lithium batteries?
4. The TSA security line, part one - These lines to confirm your identity to bored TSA agents (digression: notice how suddenly they're taking your picture now? a very sly, quiet further eroding of our privacy) are extremely long and snake around like you're about to get on a Disneyland ride. Thankfully, most of the time these lines move much faster than they look. Most of the time.
3. The line to board the plane, part two - Showing your boarding pass goes pretty quick with the agent at the gate, but then you hit the rush hour traffic jam of the jetway as people you can't see are undoubtedly up there in the plane moving like blind, slothful turtles as they creep along the aisle, wedging their enormous bags into the overhead bins, then hunting for their seat. It's a jarring transition from the spacious comfort of the gate seating area. If we ruled the world, we would 100% ban all carry-ons that won't fit under the seat in front of you. No joke - we'd rip those overhead bins right out. They're a cancer. If you're one of those annoying people who insist on wasting everyone's time cramming a too-big suitcase into the overhead bin, you are part of our national nightmare. Do better. Check your bag like a civilized human.
5. The line to check your bags - Like so many businesses now, customers are asked to do extra work that used to be handled by airline employees. And so we dutifully use kiosk touchscreens to print boarding passes and luggage tags. This free labor, of course, provides no cost savings. The good news is that this line usually moves pretty quick, both at the kiosks and then also dropping off your bag at the counter. We imagine this step will soon be eliminated somehow and we'll end up being the ones to toss our bags onto that conveyor belt. What service do those clerks provide other than asking about lithium batteries?
4. The TSA security line, part one - These lines to confirm your identity to bored TSA agents (digression: notice how suddenly they're taking your picture now? a very sly, quiet further eroding of our privacy) are extremely long and snake around like you're about to get on a Disneyland ride. Thankfully, most of the time these lines move much faster than they look. Most of the time.
3. The line to board the plane, part two - Showing your boarding pass goes pretty quick with the agent at the gate, but then you hit the rush hour traffic jam of the jetway as people you can't see are undoubtedly up there in the plane moving like blind, slothful turtles as they creep along the aisle, wedging their enormous bags into the overhead bins, then hunting for their seat. It's a jarring transition from the spacious comfort of the gate seating area. If we ruled the world, we would 100% ban all carry-ons that won't fit under the seat in front of you. No joke - we'd rip those overhead bins right out. They're a cancer. If you're one of those annoying people who insist on wasting everyone's time cramming a too-big suitcase into the overhead bin, you are part of our national nightmare. Do better. Check your bag like a civilized human.
2. The TSA security line, part two - Aside from our old man gripe that most of this is just empty theater to make everyone feel safer, the main irritation here is that every airport seems to have different rules. Shoes on or off? Laptop in or our? Out bag goes on the belt or in a tray? Does the TSA even realize they there's no uniformity? Sometimes they seem annoyed that you're confused. Bonus points for the glassy-eyed TSA agents who don't even really try to communicate what we need to know because they're just muttering their canned lines over and over like a robot slowly dying inside.
1. The line to get off the plane - You're tired and grumpy, shoehorned into that tiny little seat. You're ready to go. But instead, you're stuck for what seems like an eternity, staring into oblivion as dozens of rows of people in front of you move in super-slow motion to deplane. Zero urgency. What's most frustrating is the time it takes to actually see something, anything happening in those first few rows. Again, the biggest culprit involves having to reclaim the overhead bin suitcases. Cancer.
1. The line to get off the plane - You're tired and grumpy, shoehorned into that tiny little seat. You're ready to go. But instead, you're stuck for what seems like an eternity, staring into oblivion as dozens of rows of people in front of you move in super-slow motion to deplane. Zero urgency. What's most frustrating is the time it takes to actually see something, anything happening in those first few rows. Again, the biggest culprit involves having to reclaim the overhead bin suitcases. Cancer.
For more fun Cheese Fry rants about air travel, check out this 2016 post.
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