Ten Musical Artists We've Been Obsessed with at One Point *

* In alphabetical order.  Cringe factor is in the red on the some of these.  Please don't judge us.

1. Kelly Clarkson
2. The (Dixie) Chicks
3. The Doors
4. Explosions in the Sky
5. Heart
6. Don Henley
7. Ivy
8. Madonna
9. Alanis Morissette
10. Van Halen

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The 1990s Songs We Still Tolerate

The 1990s provided, as they say, "formative years" for the Cheese Fry as we navigated and fumbled our way through our 20s and early 30s - college (and grad school), first serious girlfriend, first jobs, apartment renting and roommates, moving to Los Angeles, driving for hours a week in Los Angeles traffic dialed into KROQ, KISS, and/or Star 98. 

Today, "90s on 9" is a pre-set channel on our SiriusXM radio and often transports us back to an oddly specific memory from our storied past.  It's like an aural time machine.  That said, some of those 1990s songs make us cringe, roll our eyes, and click to another channel.  Some songs really should stay unsung. 

Which recently made us wonder... which of the most popular songs of the 1990s stand up today?  Which ones remain timeless bangers and which ones have unexpectedly aged poorly and should be deep-sixed for the good of mankind?

For the record, accessing Billboard's official online list of the most popular songs of the 1990s requires a subscription, so we can't verify the accuracy of the free list we found plus we stipulate that how Billboard tracked popular music underwent a lot of changes during this period so the definitive list of 1990s hits is probably full of exceptions and asterisks.  But for the purposes of this informal study we'll accept it.

The Bangers - popular 1990s songs we'd listen to again right now
* The Sign (ranked #11 on the all-time 1990s list), Ace of Base
* Waterfalls (#19), TLC
* Take a Bow (#24), Madonna
* Believe (#31), Cher
* No Scrubs (#33), TLC
* Livin La Vida Loca (#38), Ricky Martin
* Smooth (#41), Santana and Rob Thomas
* Stay (#94), Lisa Loeb
* Save the Best for Last (#47), Vanessa Williams
* Another Night (#51), Real McCoy
* Nobody Knows (#61), Tony Rich Project
* I Love You Always Forever (#71), Donna Lewis
* Unpretty (#76), TLC
* Baby One More Time (#78), Britney Spears
* Nothing Compares 2 U (#82), Sinead O'Connor
* Quit Playing Games (with My Heart) (#86), Backstreet Boys
* Hypnotize (#88), Notorious B.I.G.
* California Love (#97), 2Pac
* Return of the Mack (#100), Mark Morrison

Guess we were bigger TLC fans than we realized.  Of that list, without question the most finely-crafted, perfectly realized pop song is "Livin La Vida Loca."  And there is very little traditional verse/chorus pattern to "Stay" but we know every word.  Kudos also to the crunchy hooks of "California Love" and "Hypnotize" for making white people think they were hip hop fans.

The Outcasts - popular 1990s song we never, ever want to hear again
* Macarena (#2), Los Del Rio
* I Will Always Love You (#7), Whitney Houston
* I Swear (#9), All 4 One
* Because You Loved Me (#18), Celine Dion
* Can't Help Falling in Love (#22), UB40
* (Everything I Do) I Do It for You (#37), Bryan Adams
* Black or White (#39), Michael Jackson
* Whoomp! There It Is (#44), Tag Team
* Here Comes the Hotstepper (#65), Ini Kamoze
* I'm Too Sexy (#79), Right Said Fred

No real surprise here.  Cheap, awful novelty songs ("Macarena" and "Whoomp!" and "I'm Too Sexy") were barely tolerable when they were new.  For us, there's really no Celine Dion song worth a listen - it's all too bombastic and syrupy and "look at how dramatic I can sing" self-aware.  As for "I Will Always Love You," that was ruined for us by endless radio play.  And UB40 holds a special place of irritation in our hearts - they provided not one, but two terrible and unlistenable fake reggae disasters: "Can't Help Falling in Love" and "Red Red Wine."

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An Ode to Sound Warehouse

It's a shame Cheese Fry offspring won't ever experience aimless strolls along the aisles of a music store.  Those stores - Sound Warehouse, Hit Records on Forest Lane, Musicland (or was it Sam Goody?) in the local malls - played a big part of our coming of age, usually experienced with friends apart from parents.  We always felt older and more sophisticated somehow going in those stores.  Well into our 20s, in fact, we were still taking frequent spins through the Wherehouse at the Beverly Connection to check out the sales bins or the Virgin Megastore on Sunset that had this amazing innovation of providing samples of tracks from the week's top ten albums by just putting on one of the headphones lined along the back wall. 

As we all know, the digitization and iTunes-ification of the music industry slowly but surely drove those stores out of business.  There are music sections in stores like Target or Barnes and Noble, sure, but those are sanitized facsimiles of the brash, sprawling, neon stores of the past.  Young people now don't even own physical media.  Their songs are bits and bytes in a Spotify playlist, a trend we admit that's completely infected us as well.  Our background music now mostly comes courtesy of Sirius XM with an embarrassing lean towards 80s and 90s.  We can't even remember the last time we bought a CD and that's coming from someone who - much like you, we guess - were once the proud owners of a CD tower packed with the coolest artists only.  (Side note: to whoever stole our Toad the Wet Sprocket CD during one of our 1993 apartment parties, a pox on your house.  Of all the CDs to choose from, that's the one you picked?)

The Sound Warehouse by Bachman Lake - and later, when we didn't dare run the risk of being seen by friends with our father, the Sound Warehouse out by the late, great Valley View Mall - was to our teenaged brain an oasis of coolness.  We couldn't shake a feeling of being an outsider walking through those doors, as if the other customers knew weren't trendy enough to enter their world.  It was always exciting, like walking into a real-world version of MTV.  The music blasting, playing the latest release by some popular artist - or even better, some obscure artist who hadn't yet "sold out."  The grungy employees who seemed so impossibly hip and bored we didn't dare ask a question for fear of a painfully dismissive eye roll.  The band posters and flyers covering every wall.  But most of all, there were the endless options.  Rows and rows of LPs to flip through like alphabetized card catalogs, all of it organized by genre.  Rock here, country there, soundtracks back over here.  It was organized and yet also somehow sloppy and overwhelming.  You didn't have to buy anything.  Part of the fun was just looking at the album covers and reading the song lists, debating which item was worth your gas mowing money.  It was a whole process.  And get this, Zoomers, you could only buy whatever was in stock.  (In theory, yes, you could have the store order something for you but we never did that.)

During our early middle school and high school years, our focus was cassette tapes because they played in our bedroom (dual) cassette deck and our 1979 Ford Granada.  The music stores of the 1980s had endless shelves full of cassette tapes stacked like gold bars in Fort Knox, all of them in that distinctive crinkly shrink wrap.  The less we say about our brief foray into the Columbia Music House record club - ten cassettes for only $1! - the better.  And then somewhere along the way we discovered the 45 single.  Friends liked to make fun of our fixation with top 40 pop radio hits.  So instead of spending $9 for a cassette to get one radio song, why not spend $2 for a little 45 record with just that one song?  That there is smart economics.  We ultimately ended up with the equivalent of about three shoe boxes worth of 45s and recently converted a good chunk into MP3s.  For the record, about 10% were too scratched to transfer and another 10% or so deemed by us to fall into the "what were we thinking?" category and unworthy of preserving.  Our collection offered an unexpected cross-section of the rise and fall of 45s: lots and lots of 80s hits and a few early 90s ones through about 1992 or so which coincided with the industry's shift to cassingles.  That was actually the name of them.  We bought a few of those, sure, but soon the record companies realized they'd make more money making us buy the whole CD.

For the record, our first cassette purchase was a three-fer: The Police's Synchronicity, The Cars' Heartbeat City, and Huey Lewis and the News' Sports.  Pretty sure the first CDs we bought alongside the sleek badass CD player we got for Christmas one year were Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation 1814 and Milli Vanilli's Girl You Know It's True (they were fakes, but those are solid songs, people).

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20 years of radio in the summertime

Entertainment Weekly recently published a chart looking at the enduring relevance of the last 20 "summer songs."  That magazine loves lists.  Which is why we love that magazine.

1993

Tag Team's "Whoomp! (There It Is)" - There is surely no one who still likes this novelty song.  Even at the height of its infamous run, didn't people listen to it ironically?  We, in fact, dispute this as a summer song.  Billboard tells us the biggest hit of that summer was actually UB40's "Can't Help Falling in Love."  We hate that song, too, but at the least the punctuation isn't so ridiculous.

1994 

All 4 One's "I Swear"

Ugh.  Seriously?  The last gasp of the early-90s Motown-styled boy bands.  The far more memorable song for us from summer is Lisa Loeb's "Stay," which immediately transports us back to the grungy days of college and Generation X's collectively snarky coming of age.  We'd argue that two movies define us and our peers: The Breakfast Club and Reality Bites.  ("Stay" was on the Reality Bites soundtrack.)

1995 

TLC's "Waterfalls"

If it came on the radio tomorrow, we wouldn't turn it off.  And isn't that the ultimate compliment for a radio hit?  For the record, we'd also listen to the entirety of "Creep" and "Unpretty."

1996 

Los del Rio's "Macarena"

Aren't we all a little embarrassed by this one?  How did we, as a culture, let this happen?

1997 

Hanson's "Mmm-Bop"

Ditto this one.  Yeah yeah, the brothers are actually talented.  But let's leave the record deals to people who've been on the road, crafting their sound and paying their dues, not jamming in the carpeted basement playroom in suburban Arkansas or wherever they're from.  Billboard's charts for the summer tell us that two far more interesting songs bracketed Hanson's number one hit: Notorious B.I.G.'s "Hypnotize" and Puffy Daddy's "I'll Be Missing You."  But surely Entertainment Weekly is thinking that a summer hit needs to be frothy and fun, not dark and poignant.

1998 

Brandy and Monica's "The Boy Is Mine"

We remember this song sort of, but couldn't tell you what it sounds like.  At first we were going to wonder whatever happened to these two until we realized we really didn't care.

1999 

Smash Mouth's "All Star"

Not a number one hit, so says Billboard.  We find that hard to believe.  As we recall, this was one of those genuinely catchy, innocuous little songs that Corporate Radio decided to completely ruin by playing it on super-duper heavy rotation.  We can't listen to it anymore.

2000 

NSync's "It's Gonna Be Me"

Remember when Justin Timberlake was in a band?  Neither do we.  The better song, to us, from that summer was Vertical Horizon's crunchy "Everything You Want."

2001 

Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious"

There are a couple of good songs ("Say My Name," "Independent Woman Part I") out there from Destiny's Child.  This isn't one of them.  And not to be prudish, but that title is icky.

2002 

Nelly's "Hot in Herre"

We loved this song then, we love it now.  Not sure where Nelly learned how to spell, though.

2003 

Beyonce's "Crazy in Love"

Probably the strongest song on this entire list.  Still catchy all these years later and completely undated.  Who doesn't like this song?  When you hear that brass intro, who doesn't want to twist and bump and crank up the volume?  Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh-no-no.  It's amazing how Beyonce's career shot into the stratosphere once she left Destiny's Child, which is a testament to her own ambition and talent, as well as the importance of attracting the industry's best producers and songwriters.  It can be a self-perpetuating cycle at a certain point: the best songs and producer go to the most popular artists, thereby insuring their continued success.

2004 

Usher's "Yeah!"

We know we like it.  It's in our iTunes library.  But we must admit: we get it confused with Usher's "Burn," another hip-hop meets dance-pop number.  That's probably because we're so white.

2005 

Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl"

Honestly, this one's a little overrated.  We were all so happy for Gwen to do a solo album, weren't we? Not really as solid as the stuff she'd been doing with No Doubt (though "Cool" is a silky favorite of ours) but decent.  The better 2005 summer song to us actually comes from that spring: the plodding, rather sinister "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent.

2006 

Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy"

Everyone loved this song, especially critics.  It's funky and distinctive, so we get why Entertainment Weekly would pick it.  And it was one of those odd songs that sort of came out of nowhere by some strangely-named group.  Everyone likes to be surprised.  But the song leaves us cold.  To us, Rihanna's "SOS" sounds more like summer.

2007 

Rihanna's "Umbrella"

A close runner-up to "Crazy in Love."  We had a love-hate relationship with this song.  When it first hit the radio, we really liked it.  Then they kept playing it and playing it.  There's no doubt this was the song of that summer.  You couldn't escape it.  We ultimately rejected it and formed a one-person backlash.  But eventually the song wore us down.  Even with that weird "ella ella" thing it's just too catchy, too poppy, too perfectly constructed.  We cannot deny its earworm appeal.  You win, Rihanna.  You win.

2008

Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl"

Look at that: the ubiquitous Katy Perry has only been with us only five years.  This was her breakout hit.  We remember well the scandalous sensation this naughty little song caused, which probably accounted for about 50% of its popularity.  The funny thing is, looking back, it's not even one of her best songs.

2009 

Black Eyed Peas' "I Gotta Feeling"

At this point, it's a little hard to be objective.  This was only a few years ago.  Who knows what song will best stand the test of time?  Lest you forget, 2009 was the year of the Peas.  For eleven weeks, their "Boom Boom Pow" was number one, then around July 4, it dropped out of the top spot only to be replaced by "I Gotta Feeling."  That song reigned supreme (we're totally channeling Casey Kasem right now) for another 14 weeks.  The Peas are usually fun, but they also seem completely disposable and unimportant.  Like cotton candy.  Sweet but evaporates.

2010 

Katy Perry's "California Girls"

We had a fondness for this song until we had a daughter of our own and started reconsidering the lyrics about Daisy Duke shorts and bikini tops.  These California girls are surely up to no good.  Shouldn't they cover up and stay indoors?  And what's all this about popsicle sticks?  It that what we think it is?  Even so, anything with "California" in the title is almost by default a summer song.

2011 

LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem"

A strangely catchy song that got completely overplayed.  The words are all about party rocking, but the song itself feels very tame and manufactured to us.  The sort of things parents might approve of, which makes it uncool by default.  For 2011, we'd choose Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" or Pitbull's "Give Me Everything."  (As an aside, "Give Me Everything" is perhaps one of the greatest pop-dance songs ever composed - if you study it like we have, the structure is genius in the way the song shifts tempo and mood several times; it's like three songs in one, each one better than the last.  Radio perfection.)

2012 

Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe"

We get this one.  A fun, fizzy song from a newcomer (and a Canadian to boot; you how they're all so very nice and polite up there) that caught everyone by surprise.  Plus it has that nostalgic sort of vibe of summer parties where you flirt with the opposite sex, but not in a dirty way, more of a chaste Disney Channel, rated-PG sort of way.  Our three-year-old liked to sing it, in other words.''

What summer songs do you like?

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Top ten 1980s all-slow-dance prom DJ playlist

Richard Marx, "Hold on to the Night"
The Bangles, "Eternal Flame"
Richard Marx, "Endless Summer Nights"
Phil Collins, "Groovy Kind of Love"
INXS, "Never Tear Us Apart"
Vanessa Williams, "Dreamin"
Peter Cetera and Amy Grant, "The Next Time I Fall"
Breathe, "How Can I Fall"
Bon Jovi, "Never Say Goodbye"
Deion Estes, "Heaven Help Me"

We're not proud of it, but it is what it was.

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Cassette tape rewind: freshman summer

The summer of 1986 was a time of transition for the Cheese Fry, leaving the brutally awkward and dangerous halls of an inner city middle school, complete with a daily 20-minute round-trip ride on a yellow school bus and the regular roars of airplanes taking off and landing a hundred feet over the roof, and preparing to enter the brutally awkward and dangerous (for different reasons) halls of a suburban high school.  MTV was king, riding our bike was starting to get uncool, and a fun Friday night was touch football under the streetlights after dark.

Here's the top ten songs this week 26 years ago.

1. Robert Palmer, "Addicted to Love" - Played to death at the time, both on the radio and in double-super-heavy rotation on MTV, this song has become shorthand for mid-80s pop.  The lyrics can be repetitive, but the grinding guitars and whap-whap-whap of the drums make it imminently enjoyable.  And for a 14-year-old, that video of sleek, barely-dressed women wearing bright red wet lipstick was fascinating on a number of levels.

2. Pet Shop Boys, "West End Girls" - We respect the artistry of this song and the lush Yamaha-keyboard mood, but it's rather dour.  And full of too many esoteric lyrics that likely only make sense if you know England.  It hasn't aged very well.

3. Prince and the Revolution, "Kiss" - Hated it then, hate it now.  Our pathetic school bus driver (she once decided not to drive her bus in the ice, but didn't tell anyone that was her plan so all of us kids were stranded in the freezing cold on our bus stop corners) always broadcast from her crap plastic Radio Shack transistor radio some local adult-contemporary station and, we kid you not, they played "Kiss" every single damn morning.

4. Van Halen, "Why Can't This Be Love" - 1984 was one of the first three cassette tapes we ever bought (other two: Huey Lewis and the News, Sports and The Police, Synchronicity - the more you know...).  We wore that thing out, playing it over and over.  While at the time we loved "Jump" now it's very clear to us the best song is "Panama."  So the departure of singer David Lee Roth was a worrisome development in the Cheese Fry's childhood home.  This single was the first one off the new Van Halen album 5150 featuring replacement singer Sammy Hagar.  It sounds like a Van Halen song, but then again it also sounds completely different.  Clearly, they had us with the opening weeee-eeee-ahhh bent guitar chord.
5. The Rolling Stones, "Harlem Shuffle" - We suspect this is rather humiliating for them, don't you think? "Sympathy for the Devil," it ain't.

6. Janet Jackson, "What Have You Done for Me Lately" - Remember when Janet - Ms. Jackson if you're nasty - was a legitimate music force cranking out these kinds of sexy, angry dance songs (unless they were slower, softer, more introspective ballads like "Let's Wait Awhile")?  This was one of several hits from her breakout album - remember when we called them albums? - Control.  It is definitely a time-travel song.  Hear it and you're instantly transported to the rundown 1981 hatchback you rode in during a secret lunch run, crowded full of fellow freshman.

7. Whitney Houston, "Greatest Love of All" - We're not afraid to admit that there are a great many Whitney Houston songs out there that we really like.  This is not one of them.  A textbook example of the kind of sappy, melodramatic cheese danish that was so very popular back before things like SoundScan started keeping track of what people actually liked and bought, not what record stores and music labels pushed on the public.  Gag us.

8. Outfield, "Your Love" - All together now: "Josie's on a vacation far away..."  One of the best pop songs ever recorded.  Seriously.  The end.

9. Phil Collins, "Take Me Home" - Another of the many hit singles from the Phil Collins juggernaut album No Jacket Required (we have a guilty-pleasure soft spot for the brassy "Sussudio").  We always liked the jingle-jangle synthesized background and the chorus has a nice soar to it.  But like so many Collins songs, it overstays its welcome by several minutes before that slow, slow fade-out.

10. The Bangles, "Manic Monday" - It's hard to fathom any 1980s teenage boy in American not having a crush on at least one of the Bangles.  Flirty singer Susanna Hoffs was the popular one, sure but we liked to go against the grain so our favorite was guitarist Vicki Peterson.  This is by far their biggest hit, imminently sing-a-long-able, and very much a child of the 80s, famously written by Prince (see #3 above).  It's sunny and peppy and wry, but we prefer the darker "Hazy Shade of Winter."

P.S. Will our kids think of the Bangles or Robert Palmer the same dusty, distant way we think of the Beatles and Elvis from our parents' generation?  Egad.

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Best #1 songs of 2011

The following fourteen songs all placed in the number one spot on Billboard's singles chart during 2011. We figured it was worth a look to see which ones still stick in our heads and seem the most worthy and which ones we don't remember and seem like big mistakes.

1 "Party Rock Anthem" LMFAO - We thought this group was a Black Eyed Peas ripoff (two weird dudes, one hot girl) when we first saw them on some TV show. Then we heard the song. The zippy backbeat and tweaky synth melody got our vote for song of the year.

2 "Last Friday Night" Katy Perry - We heard about parties like this in high school but never attended one in person. Catchy and memorable. Great twist also in that the disastrous, black-out events of last Friday will soon be repeated this Friday. The stubborn, reckless stupidity of youth.

3 "We Found Love" Rihanna featuring Calvin Harris - No idea what the verses say, but that soaring chorus is nothing short of amazing. "We found love in a hopeless place." Evocative.

4 "Give Me Everything" Pitbull - Another of those techno hip-hop songs (with yet another LMFAO-style earworm synth hook) that we know we shouldn't like, but then can't help ourselves. Pitbull was everywhere this year - you couldn't turn on a music program without seeing him hamming it up.

5 "Firework" Katy Perry - A cheesy, transparent, overly earnest attempt to create an empowerment anthem. We know. But we still like it. For those very reasons.

6 "E.T." Katy Perry featuring Katy Perry - Gee, we really must like Katy Perry. So be it. This one isn't her usual peppy, polished pop music jewel. It's weird and dark and oddly robotic. "Infect me with your love and fill me with your poison." What do you suppose that means?

7 "Rolling in the Deep" Adele - Objectively, this should probably be the song of the year. Nothing else was as ubiquitous or beloved. But despite the hook and Adele's big-belted vocals, it's not exactly the kind of thing you can sing along to. And it was way overplayed. We heard it everywhere to the point of diminishing returns.

8 "Born This Way" Lady Gaga - There are better Gaga songs, but it's solid and hooky. Plus, we found this one unfairly attacked for sounding too Madonna. Strange, since Madonna hasn't sounded like Madonna since 1998.

9 "Grenade" Bruno Mars - The Bruno Mars phenomenon is a curious one. He's talented and silky smooth, sure, but we can't quite connect. Lil' Fry did love the "Lazy Song" video, however, with the dancers in monkey masks. So bonus points for that.

10 "Someone Like You" Adele - Powerful and poignant. But we ask you: would you really pay to see her sing this live on stage in concert? It's soooo slow... and soooo dreary.

11 "Moves Like Jagger" Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera - We're big fans of Maroon 5. How can you not love the whistling? But we have to take away points for invoking the image of a rock star 30 years past his prime.

12 "Hold It Against Me" Britney Spears - Wouldn't know it if we heard it. And proud to say so.

13 "Black and Yellow" Wiz Khalifa - All we know is that it was maybe inspired by the Pittsburgh Steelers.

14 "S&M" Rihanna featuring Britney Spears - Huh?

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He won the lottery and died the next day

Does Alanis Morissette's song "Ironic" provide actual examples of irony or just bad luck? We've heard this argument before many times, but it's still interesting to think about and the L.A. Weekly offers a fairly in-depth look at the lyrics.

Is this the worst song of the 1990s as Ben Westhoff suggests? That's a whole other question. We vote for "Macarena" and "All Star."

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More songs we never get tired of

Last year, we listed 20 songs on which we'd never change the station. Here's a new batch:

1 Stone Temple Pilots, "Creep"

2 Jimmy Buffett, "Margaritaville"

3 Len, "Steal My Sunshine"

4 Hole, "Malibu"

5 Jane Child, "Don't Want to Fall in Love"

6 Jay-Z featuring Alicia Keys, "Empire State of Mind"

7 Third Eye Blind, "Jumper"

8 Foo Fighters, "Everlong"

9 Chicago, "25 or 6 to 4"

10 Crowded House, "Don't Dream It's Over"

11 Estelle featuring Kayne West, "American Boy"

12 Paramore, "That's What You Get"

13 Eddie Rabbit, "Driving My Life Away"

14 The Breeders, "Cannonball"

15 Tears for Fears, "Everybody Wants to Rule the World"

16 Pink, "Perfect"

17 Don Henley, "The End of Innocence"

18 Jade, "Don't Walk Away"

19 Foghat, "Slow Ride"

20 B.o.B. featuring Hayley Williams, "Airplanes"

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You call this music?

Our recent viewing of the MTV Video Music Awards (on a network that no longer runs videos) left us feeling two steps away from the AARP. We'd heard of a few of the musical acts featured on the show, but the majority of singers and bands were completely alien to us. There ought to be a YouTube video montage of our puzzled face and grunts of "Who the hell is that?"

We decided to take a look at the Billboard's Hot 100 singles chart and see which, if any, of the top 20 songs this week we knew.

1. "Moves Like Jagger" - Maroon 5/f Christina Aguilera

We love Maroon 5. "Wake Up Call" is on our list of songs of which we never tire.

2. "Party Rock Anthem" - LMFAO

Our devotion to Fox's "So You Think You Can Dance" might be a big help with staying somewhat current with pop music (Lady Gaga made her big splash on SYTYCD with her first hit "Just Dance"). We know this song from that show. And we bought it on iTunes. So far, so good.

3. "Pumped Up Kicks" - Foster the People

Who?

4. "Lighters" - Bad Meets Evil/f Bruno Mars

We know Bruno Mars, of course. He's charming if weightless. And we think we've heard of Bad Meets Evil. But we couldn't pick this song out of an audio lineup.

5. "Last Friday Night" - Katy Perry

It's probably not cool to admit an affection for Katy, but every song of hers seems like a finely-tuned pop-music Swiss watch, perfectly crafted and sleekly executed. How can you not like "Teenage Dream"?

6. "Super Bass" - Nicki Minaj

Apparently, Nicki is a big deal. We're also aware that she dresses outrageously, which is very important these days. But we don't know her music.

7. "How to Love" - Lil Wayne

All we really know about Lil Wayne is that he is one scary-looking tattooed dude.

8. "Good Life" - OneRepublic

We know the band, but not this song.

9. "Give Me Everything" - Pitbull/f NeYo, Afrojack, and Nayer

We think this one was performed on the VMAs. Not sure. Four in a row now we don't know. Pitbull is always a slick dresser. We couldn't pull off that look, that's for damn sure.

10. "Stereo Hearts" - Gym Class Heroes f/Adam Levine

We've heard of it, but don't know it.

11. "Cheers (Drink to That)" - Rihanna

"What's My Name" and "Love the Way You Lie" are gems. We don't know this one, but it's new - maybe in time we'll recognize it. In general, we don't get all the hubbub over Rihanna. Seems like any 20-something singer could have the same career if given the same songs.

12. "I Wanna Go" - Britney Spears

Don't know this one. We seem to be aging out of the Britney skeevy club-pop genre.

13. "Tonight Tonight" - Hot Chelle Rae

We have this on iTunes. A jangly anthem that's a staple of movie trailers and TV spots right now.

14. "Rolling in the Deep" - Adele

Who hasn't heard this song over and over and over since the spring? We get it, she's talented. She's also overrated in the same way that Amy Winehouse was overrated. It always seems to us to be more about admiring their work to appear cool and discerning, rather than actually buying their music.

15. "If I Die Young" - The Band Perry

We know this song. A country crossover. Dark.

16. "You and I" - Lady Gaga

This is her new one. We don't know it. There's something of a Gaga backlash brewing it seems. But we remain convinced that she's a genius, even if she's a little odd. Comparisons have been made to Madonna, but Gaga has a better voice and a stronger theatrical streak (she commits to her craziness in ways that Madonna never did; Madonna always seemed to be winking so we knew she was in on the joke). And Gaga is succeeding in a world far different than the one that Madonna dominated in the 1980s and 1990s. Back then, music label monopolies drove the artists and spent millions in marketing dollars and MTV videos. There wasn't much competition. That was before the internet and digital downloaded gutted the music business and fractured the audience. To succeed now demands a new set of skills in self-promotion.

17. "She Will" - Lil Wayne/f Drake

It'd be an interesting study to look at this proliferation of the "featuring" element in hip-hop/R&B songs. It seems to have started sometime around 2000 as a novelty (usually mixing gritty rappers with female singers), but now it's become commonplace.

18. "You Make Me Feel" - Cobra Starship/f Sabi

We like this one. We bought it on iTunes. But the better Cobra Starship song is the infectious "Good Girls Gone Bad."

19. "Someone Like You" - Adele

Sorry, but... yawn. She sang this on the VMAs. Stately and important, yes, but also slow and dull.

20. "I'm On One" - DJ Khaled/f Drake, Rick Ross, and Lil Wayne

Nope. We can tell you that Drake is the guy in that 7-Up commercial where the singer broke apart like a robot, but the soft drink put him back together.

So... out of 20 "hit" songs, we've heard of 7 or 8. Not a great batting average, but most of these songs seem pitched to a younger demographic.

In other words, sometimes we prefer the cozy embrace of SiriusXM's 80s channel.

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15 songs we never want to hear again

We really, really hate these songs.

1. Thomas Dolby, "She Blinded Me with Science"

2. Blondie, "Heart of Glass"

3. Snow, "Informer"

4. David Bowie, "Let's Dance"

5. Ini Kamoze, "Here Comes the Hotstepper"

6. Toni Basil, "Mickey"

7. UB40, "Red Red Wine"

8. U2, "Pride"

9. Digital Underground, "The Humpty Dance"

10. John Cougar, "Hurts So Good"

11. Whitney Houston, "I Will Always Love You"

12. Kool and the Gang, "Celebration"

13. All-4-One, "I Swear"

14. Pearl Jam, "Jeremy"

15. Counting Crows, "Mr. Jones"

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Ke$ha meets $tar Trek

An older mash-up, but one we find... fascinating (arch your Vulcan eyebrow as you say it).

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Is the the Grammys' Best New Artist really the best?

To paraphrase Obi-Wan Kenobi, last weekend millions of Justin Bieberites suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced when obscure jazz musician Esperanza Spalding won the Best New Artist Grammy.

Which got us thinking. How accurate are the Grammys when it comes to identifying new talent? Do the voters really know what they're doing? Are they picking artistic merit or commercial popularity? Will hindsight prove to be 20/20?

Let's look at the last 40 awards given out.

1970 winner: Crosby, Stills & Nash

>They're certainly popular and well-regarded, but we couldn't hum one of their songs. They beat out Led Zeppelin and Chicago. Can you imagine that Led Zeppelin was ever considered a "new artist"? When it comes to revolutionizing music, doesn't the vote have to go to them? They practically invented heavy metal/hard blues rock.

1971 winner: The Carpenters

>Seems like a vote for a group that was popular at the time. Toothless and completely white-bread. They beat Elton John, who has surely demonstrated longevity and talent. Also losing to the Carpenters was the Patridge Family (were they ever a real band?) and Anne Murray from Canada.

1972 winner: Carly Simon

>>We have no opinion. She beat Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Bill Withers, and two others we never heard of. Guess 1972 wasn't a banner year for new music development.

1973 winner: America

>>We know we should be able to name at least one America song, but we can't. They beat the Eagles. Seriously, Grammys? The frickin' Eagles? Few bands have been as influential or as popular. So far, we've agreed with none of the Grammy picks. None.

1974 winner: Bette Midler

>>Bette has a certainly style and flair and we can't argue with her beating out Marie Osmond, of all people, for the Grammy. But we have to deduct points because Bette nowadays is considered more of an actress than a singer. The award should have gone to Barry White.

1975 winner: Marvin Hamlisch

>>Didn't know composers could win, but we're big fans of "Nobody Does It Better," so we'll reluctantly agree. He beat out Bad Company and others we never heard of.

1976 winner: Natalie Cole

>>How old was she when she won this? We thought she was a nobody until the 1990s when she did that lame "Unforgettable" duet with her dad. Learn something new every day. She beat out KC and the Sunshine Band and a few others we never heard of. Bottom line: not a very worthy crop of nominees.

1977 winner: Starland Vocal Band

>>Let's see... the fluffy disco group that sang "Afternoon Delight" or power-chord classic-rock staple Boston? Bad pick, Grammys. Maybe the worst so far. Were the voters just trying to prove how hip and relevant they were by going disco?

1978 winner: Debby Boone

>>Now we're waist deep in the empty-headed 1970s. Debby may be the least deserving person on this entire list. She sang "You Light Up My Life." For that, shouldn't she be banned from the music industry altogether? Come on, Grammy voters. She beat out similar vanilla pretty-faces Andy Gibb and Shaun Cassidy. She also beat non-threatening rock band Foreigner.

1979 winner: A Taste of Honey

>>Who or what is a A Taste of Honey? All we can think of is the candy bar Bit of Honey. Whatever they are, they beat big-time artists Elvis Costello, Toto, and The Cars. Said Grammy, "Oops."

1980 winner: Rickie Lee Jones

>>We've heard of her, can picture her plain-jane face, and seem to recall Rolling Stone liking her a lot. She beat out Dire Straits, another band that critics seem like more than us. Also beat The Blues Brothers (file that under "Really?" along with the Patridge Family) and Robin Williams, of all people. Whatever, 1980. No one cares.

1981 winner: Christopher Cross

>>We think he was already something of a joke when he won this award, another silky-smooth singer-songwriter custom-built for dentist's offices across the country. We think the Pretenders should have won. "Back on the Chain Gang" works. "Sailing" does not.

1982 winner: Sheena Easton

>>Another safe pick, it seems. Pretty girl who offends no one. We love "For Your Eyes Only," but no way does Sheena beat out the Go-Gos or Adam and the Ants. She also beat R&B heavy-hitters James Ingram and Luther Vandross. In other words, the least deserving person won. Welcome to show biz!

1983 winner: Men at Work

>>It's hard to argue with the win when the competition were similar 1980s flame-outs Asia, Human League, Jennifer Holliday, and Stray Cats. Then again, we never liked "Down Under." And that lead singer gave us the creeps. You know why.

1984 winner: Culture Club

>>Culture Club probably had more hits, but surely we can all agree that the real talent was fellow nominee Eurhythmics. Also losing: Big Country (we liked "Big Country") and Men without Hats (ditto "Safety Dance"), neither of whom should have been nominated.

1985 winner: Cyndi Lauper

>>We endorse this pick, although the Judds probably wound up with the longer, more important career. But Grammy wasn't yet ready to embrace its inner country yet. Cyndi beat out, no kidding, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Corey Hart, and Sheila E, three acts who all wound up being go-nowhere one-hit wonders. Grammy must not have known that "Relax," "Sunglasses at Night," and "Glamorous Life," respectively, were as good as it was going to get.

1986 winner: Sade

>>She's the sexy pick, for sure. Critics loved her smooth-jazz vibe. Still do. We're okay with this, even if Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine" is one of our all-time top 20 songs. Also losing: 1980s where-are-they-now trivia answers a-ha and Julian Lennon.

1987 winner: Bruce Hornsby and the Range

>>Bruce is a talent and was really the only viable option. Other nominees: 1980s top-40 artists Glass Tiger, Nu Shooz (you can't make this stuff up), Timbuk3, and Simply Red.

1988 winner: Jody Watley

>>A tough one. Jody is a dance-pop artifact stuck in 1980s amber and we love her for it. Ditto her fellow nominees Breakfast Club, Cutting Crew, Terence Trent D'Arby, and Swing Out Sister. That list reads like the liner notes for Now! That's What I Call 1988. They're all equally irrelevant now, so you could make the case for any of them to win. You know who we just realized never got nominated? A little band called U2. Nicely done, Grammy.

1989 winner: Tracy Chapman

>>Like Sade, Tracy is a critical darling with a small but loyal fan base, the kind of smug hipster fan base who'd dump her and shout "sell out" if Tracy ever accidentally became actually successful. She beat out Rick Astley, Toni Childs, Vanessa Williams (who's now an actress), and something called Take 6. This win makes sense.

1990 winner: Milli Vanilli

>>We all know how this one turned out. If only Grammy could preserve its dignity and go back in time to give the award to one of the other nominees, a real musical talent, someone like Tone Loc. Seriously, this probably should have gone to Indigo Girls. We think they're still playing at a Lilith Fair somewhere.

1991 winner: Mariah Carey

>>So far, this is the only slam dunk. Grammy got it right. Mariah remains commercially successful. And she's got chops. She beat out Black Crowes, Kentucky Headhunters, Wilson Phillips, and Lisa Stansfield, none of whom are doing much these days unless it's at your local state fair.

1992 winner: Marc Cohn

>>The "Walking in Memphis" dude beat out two bigger talents, Boys II Men and Seal. But he rightfully prevailed over the manufactured sound of C+C Music Factory and the painfully embarrassing Color Me Badd (note the rebellious extra D because they, like, just don't care about your spelling rules, man).

1993 winner: Arrested Development

>>Another of those critically beloved bands with the world-music sound who never made the crossover into mainstream acceptance. We'll take the critics word for it because after the first 30 times of hearing "Mr. Wendell" we started to really really loathe it. We must also give thanks that they beat Billy Ray Cyrus and Kris Kross, neither of whom should ever ever have a Grammy.

1994 winner: Toni Braxton

>>We prefer other nominees Belly and SWV, but that's just us. Toni was a big success and had a fairly long career until she recently went bankrupt, yadda yadda. Whatever, 1994. Yawn.

1995 winner: Sheryl Crow

>>Another slam dunk, though a case could certainly be made for fellow nominee Green Day. Ace of Base and Crash Test Dummies have a special place in our post-college hearts, but they're not Grammy-worthy. Let the record also show that we happily play the contrarian role and proclaim a fierce hatred of Counting Crows.

1996 winner: Hootie and the Blowfish

>>Wrong answer, Grammy. Three women nominated with Hootie were far more deserving: Alanis Morissette, Joan Osborne, and/or Shania Twain. Hootie had a huge record that no one dared admit owning (who then who was buying it?), then rightfully vanished into oblivion.

1997 winner: LeAnn Rimes

>>She was a trendy pick that provided a good storyline - little girl who sings unreleased Patsy Cline song. Her win offended no one. But we would argue a more important, more worthy winner would have been either Garbage or No Doubt.

1998 winner: Paula Cole

>>Now we're in the tail-end of the alternative 1990s, which was chock full of earnest, heartfelt one-hit wonders like Paula ("I Don't Wanna Wait") Cole. She beat out Fiona Apple, who's cut from the same cloth. We don't know much about Erykah Badu, but she still seems relevant and thus might make for the better pick here.

1999 winner: Lauryn Hill

>>As groovy and funky as Miss Hill may be, there's no doubt that from this class of nominees, the monster musical talent is the Dixie Chicks. Big miss, Grammy. Big.

2000 winner: Christina Aguilera

>>We can't find fault with this pick (and it was wise to pick Christina over Britney Spears), though it would have certainly been a nice surprise is fellow nominee Kid Rock would have won. He's dangerous in a way that art should be. Who the heck is Susan Tedeschi?

2001 winner: Shelby Lynne

>>We're big fans of Shelby, but she never really broke out. Which again points to the question: what makes for a "best" artist? Is it artistic accomplishments or commercial success? Discuss amongst yourselves. Shelby's fellow nominees are all rather underwhelming, from frat-rock thugs (Papa Roach) to hip-hop goofs (Sisquo) to country wiseguys (Brad Paisley). Shelby probably deserved it most.

2002 winner: Alicia Keys

>>Another critical darling. Does anyone ever admit to not liking Alicia Keys? We all pretend to love her. A safe, square pick over the likes of Nelly Furtado, David Gray, and Linkin Park (a scary, tattooed band who really should be glad to even be nominated by the stodgy Academy).

2003 winner: Norah Jones

>>See Alicia Keys above. It's simply not cool to say you don't like the smoky jazz of Norah Jones. If need be, you lie. She beat out a fairly strong group: Ashanti, Michelle Branch, Avril Lavigne, and professional douchebag John Mayer.

2004 winner: Evanescence

>>Their song "Bring Me to Life" is nothing short of sonic dynamite, but they might as well now be in the witness relocation program. A better choice would have been the charismatic 50 Cent... which reminds us: why wasn't Eminem ever nominated for this award?

2005 winner: Maroon 5

>>A fun, peppy band that cranks out catchy songs, but no one can argue that nominee Kanye West is more talented, more important, and more relevant. He should have won, hands down.

2006 winner: John Legend

>>We hear good things about John Legend, but we know nothing about him other than he likes to wear skinny ties. We'll defer to the Grammys on this one, though if it we were voting, the winner would have been Sugarland.

2007 winner: Carrie Underwood

>>Love her or hate her, there's no denying she's the real deal. Another rare slam dunk for the Grammys.

2008 winner: Amy Winehouse

>>Keep in mind this was before she went cuckoo. Amy was a very trendy, very popular pick so it's hard to argue. Everyone loved her. We don't know what a Ledisi is, but a case could maybe be made for the other nominees Feist, Paramore, and Taylor Swift (whom we're still not sure if she's talented or simply way too precocious and cute).

2009 winner: Adele

>>The jury's probably still out on these last few awards. That said, we think it's safe to say that time will not be kind to fellow nominee the Jonas Brothers. We do still have hope for Duffy and Lady Antebellum.

2010 winner: Zac Brown Band

>>Sure, why not? We sure never heard of Keri Hilson, MGMT, or Silversun Pickups. They sound made-up.

So what's the score? By our count, out of 40 awards, we agree with 13 wins. That's a 32% success rate. If only this were baseball.

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