Does the Future Use Helvetica?

Author Dave Addey may just well be a genius.  His fascinating blog "Typeset of the Future" dives deep into the fonts and graphics used by science fiction films.  The level of obsessive analysis and attention to detail are nothing short of amazing.

So far, he's examined Moon, Alien, Blade Runner, and 2001: A Space Odyssey.  His blog reports that next year he'll be publishing a book with even more analyses.

As but one example of his OCD focus on the minutiae of film, Addey created a video to try and understand the resolution and enlargement numbers in the famous sequence in Blade Runner in which Harrison Ford uses a machine in his apartment to zoom in on a photograph to look for clues.

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"Battle of the Network Stars 2013"

If it wasn't for finding proof at Wikipedia and YouTube, we might think that youthful memories of "Battle of the Network Stars" was just some sort of fever dream.  In what world would vain TV actors wear spandex bathing suits and compete in lame elementary-school P.E. sports like tug-of-war or participate in traveling circus gags like the dunk tank?  In what world would one network allow its top stars to appear on a rival network?  In what world would a collection of A-list talent draw just a small collection of spectators and fans on the rolling hills of Pepperdine University, treating this Hollywood showdown like some boring Division II volleyball game?  

It really happened, people.  

Twice a year on ABC in the late 80s and early 90s, viewers across America just like us bore witness to "Battle of the Network Stars."  It seems steeped in kitschy irony today, but at the time, this was mostly serious stuff.  Which is why it is so compelling.

Stuck in an Atlanta hotel room for a four-day conference, we recently stumbled onto a marathon of this show broadcast on some outer-fringe ESPN channel.  We couldn't look away.  Older actors like Ed Asner and William Devane inappropriately sporting Speedos; youthful actors like Melissa Gilbert and Scott Baio sporting terrycloth headbands; amazing displays of athleticism by ex-jocks like Gregory Harrison and Mark Harmon (we saw Luke Duke himself, Tom Wopat throw beautiful football spirals) side by side with humiliating displays of complete ineptitude by the likes of William Shatner (the dude could not figure out how to get into a kayak) and Charlene Tilton; actors we'd never heard of who likely popped champagne on getting their big network TV show gig only to vanish into the ether of history; and all of it covered by the one and only Howard Cosell who called these ridiculous events like he was covering some "Monday Night Football" contest with playoff implications.

It's genius.

And it got us to thinking.  

What if somehow the networks agreed to recreate this thing today?  If we stuck to the same scenarios and gimmicks of the old show, how would a 2013 edition look?  

First we'd have to assume two things.

1. That TV actors would be interested.  Back then, actors got big checks, yes, but not the kind of million-dollar contracts that are so regular now.  Financial incentives were apparently a big factor on "Battle of the Network Stars."  Ashton Kutcher today makes six figures per episode of "Two and  half Men."  And there's 22 episodes in a season.  We'll let you go do the math.  You might have to try and go the old "donations to charity" route, but that further assumes all of them have passion side projects.

2. That TV networks would allow such aggressive cross-promotion.  We live in a world where NBC's "The Today Show" does everything it can to avoid promoting an ABC show.  Back then, the networks seemed to see value in exposing their shows to a wide audience by any means necessary.  Now, outside of award shows or Jay Leno's couch, network talent just don't mingle.

But let's pretend that somehow you got the actors and networks to agree.  Then what?

* The host - You'd need someone with gravitas like Cosell.  But also someone who, like Cosell, was sort of in on the joke.  Who's our Howard Cosell?  A few years ago you might have said John Madden.  But he's long been retired, leaving us only one possibility.  Bob Costas.  (Though you just know Ryan Seacrest's agents will be pitching him for the job.)  Full of himself but articulate, somewhat brilliant, and sometimes - with that little smirk - a little aware of how goofy the whole thing is.  So we hire Bob to patrol the sidelines with a corded mike, maybe asking a sitcom actor about how he feels going into the next obstacle course sprint, how the team captain is strategizing about the next event, or maybe even uttering subtly creepy sexual innuendos as some attractive ingenue gets dunked in the tank.  In 2013, no host goes it alone so Costas probably needs some female sidekick.  We nominate "Extra's" Maria Menounos because why not.

* The location - Out of tradition, let's keep it at Pepperdine.  The green hills, the wide open spaces, the blue skies.  

* The spectators - This is going to be a whole lot different in our social-media-infused world.  No longer will the contest be witnessed by whoever seemingly happened to be driving through Malibu on the way to the beach.  No, in 2013, "Battle of the Network Stars" will be a mega-media event.  You've got to get coverage on all of those inane "Entertainment Tonight" shows, buzz on Twitter hype, multiple collector edition covers on Entertainment Weekly.  And so the bleachers at Pepperdine (and big giant ones will have to be constructed just for this show) will be filled not by random passersby but by ticket holders who paid top dollar for the privilege.  And just think of all the paparazzi swarming outside, feeding candid and embarrassing shots (sample cover headline: "Guess Who Almost Drowned?") to "Us Weekly" and "In Touch" and those rags.  We're not sure if there should be a red carpet, but our gut tells us there probably should be.

* The fourth network - We can't stick to the old three-network field.  It's probably possible to ignore the CW, but we can't keep out Fox.  So rather than a tug-of-war final pitting the top two networks (networks earn points at each competition) for a final, it may be better to do some kind of bye for the top team and let the second-place and third-place networks duke it out somehow to advance to the finals.  This may need some further review in the competition committee.

* The grizzled captain.  The pattern seems to be that some older male dramatic actor serves as a fatherly captain for his network team.  Think William Shatner, Willian Devane, Daniel J. Travanti, Gabe Kaplan, Robert Urich.  Today, that would be "SVU's" Dann Florek or "Dancing with the Stars's" Tom Bergeron or "CSI's" Ted Danson or, best of all, "Modern Family's" Ed O'Neil.  And if you include the network football shows, there's always Fox's Terry Bradshaw or CBS's Dan Marino.  You could also go full circle and bring in "NCIS's" Mark Harmon, who was just a youngster back when the original "Battle of the Network Stars" ran.  He's our legacy player!

* The hot young ingenue.  There's also a clear preference to get attractive young actresses on the show, mostly - it seems - to get them wet in their one-piece bathing suit when they get dunked in the dunk tank.  Full disclosure: we love seeing the actresses of our youth (Heather Thomas, Randi Oakes, Erin Gray) in this situation even as we hate ourselves for loving it.  In 2013, you'd have to consider "The Big Bang Theory's" Kaley Cuoco, "Two Broke Girls's" Kat Dennings, "Nashville's" Hayden Panetierre, "Revolution's" Tracy Spiridakos, "Modern Family's" Sarah Hyland, and maybe maybe "New Girl's" Zooey Deschanel.  We don't think even in this alternate universe the producers could ever get "The Voice's" Christina Aguilera, but how hilarious would that be?

* The ex-jock.  There's a lot of awkward displays of athleticism among most of the actors.  These aren't people gifted with speed or balance or stamina.  These are people who look good, can cry on cue, and  can remember lots of words at a time.  But each team at least one young buck actor, the strapping hunk who played ball in college.  And you can tell.  They are into this.  This is no joke.  For people like Mark Harmon, Greg Evigan, Tom Selleck, and Douglas Barr, this a return to the glory days.  Who do we have nowadays to fill that role?  Who are the 30-somethings with something to prove?  We can see "The Good Wife's" Josh Charles, "Bones's" David Boreanaz, "Person of Interest's" Jim Caveziel, "Revolution's" Billy Burke, "Survivor's" Jeff Probst, and most definitely "Hawaii Five-O's" preening Alex O'Loughlin.  A few years ago, this would be a slam dunk for "Two and Half Men's" Charlie Sheen.  If Maria's busy maybe Charlie could be the color man for Costas.

* The speedster youths.  We also noticed a trend of the really young actors displaying blazing speed, especially on the obstacle course.  There was apparently a whole slew of shows in which Kristy McNichol broke her own record again and again.  She could not be stopped.  There's a lot of potential for this kind of ringer in 2013.  The casts of "Parenthood" and "Modern Family" and "Glee" are filled with teenagers who are probably a lot more agile and spry than their older peers.

* The contests.  There's really no need to mess with perfection.  For students of this show, you know what we're talking about.  In the new edition, we'd want to keep the dunk tank, the flag football scrimmage, the kayaking, the tug of war, and - of course - the obstacle course with it's little pool swing and blue and red tires.  That's the show's signature, iconic event.  You may even want to somehow make the obstacle course as the final.  We'd suggest cutting the swimming and cycling because they're so ordinary and without the possibility of real humiliation.  Maybe add in a basketball event since the NBA is so huge and because lots of white guys mistakenly think they can ball which can be funny.  Maybe "horse" or 21.  Another possibility is some kind of wacky "Survivor" style puzzle gag or an endurance thing where everyone tries to hang onto a telephone pole or maybe even a gross-eating contest.  These could be a nice tip of the hat to the reality TV boom.  And please please... no "Simon Says" bit.  It's cute but it's more gag than game.

So what do you think?  Would you watch this kind of show?  We think it'd be a smash success, especially if you only ran it once a year.  Time it to coincide with the new fall season, drum up interest in the old returning shows and the new shows.  

And since TV loves franchises, spin this off into a "Battle of the Cable Stars" and include the cast of "Mad Men" and "The Walking Dead" and "Game of Thrones."

We are genius.  Hollywood, you're welcome.

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Even zombies need mobile phones

You waited three months for this?  After this long, cold Cheese Fry period of dormancy, yes, this is the post we use for a relaunch.

We love zombies ("The Walking Dead" this season is killing it, as TJ Lavin might say) and this Sprint spot always makes us laugh.

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Lego genius

This is the sort of pop culture obsession we can get behind.  If it were us, of course, we'd probably create a Lego Starship Enterprise.

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Grinch Green should be a Crayola color

A clever interactive color wheel from the good people at Slate.com using animated characters as the colors. We at the Cheese Fry are dedicated to providing you with useless pop culture bits and bobs.

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Shredding is fun

Courtesy a Wired magazine shout-out, SSI makes industrial-sized shredders. You know how your home shredder doesn't like staples? Not much of a problem for SSI. They post videos demonstrating the titanic horsepower of their machines, which includes shredding a car and a dozen or so bowling balls. Grrr.

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Attack of the 80s video games!

You've probably already seen this. It's the sort of clever video that one simply must forward to as many people as possible. If you haven't seen it, however, you're in for a treat: imagine the crudely-rendered characters of Atari 2600s and Nintendo NESs invading New York City. Funny and amusing... but also scary.


PIXELS by PATRICK JEAN.
Uploaded by onemoreprod. - Arts and animation videos.

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The good and the bad of "The Howard Stern Show"

What we like:
* J.D.
* Eric the Midget’s indignant phone calls
* Fred’s sound effects
* Mr. Skin's visits
* “Stump the Booey”
* “Win Fred’s Money”
* Howard yelling at Scott the Engineer
* parody songs about Robin
* “The Wrap Up Show”
* Artie’s Laughing Man character
* the genius of Sourshoes
* Medicated Pete
* Ralph calling in
* the lack of FCC-mandated content rules
* Jeff the Drunk
* Howard hanging up on boring, stupid callers

What we don’t like:
* the mean-spirited “Jack and Rod Show” pranks
* Robin’s insufferable snobbery and know-it-all attitude
* stripper and/or porn star interviews
* the unending drama surrounding Artie’s mental health and addiction struggles
* the “Benji Vortex”
* Ronnie the Limo Driver
* any sort of beauty pageant - interns, strippers, or otherwise
* Scott DePace’s ridiculous right-wing statements
* Crazy Alice
* Steve Langford’s obsession with the legal problems of High Pitch Eric and Captain Jenks
* Maryann from Brooklyn
* appearances by washed-up musicians from Howard’s generation

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On Stephen King

Stephen King paperbacks were a staple of the Cheese Fry's bookshelf during his high school and college years. They filled one entire shelf, arranged neatly in order of publication (of course), spines crinkled and worn with use.

We've lost touch with Mr. King since the early 1990s (though we are faithful readers of his Entertainment Weekly columns), but much of his work has stuck with us. No one is better at mixing everyday pop culture ordinariness with scary, out-of-the-ordinary thrills and chills. But there's more to it than just cool scary stories.

King may be a best-selling populist author, but he's ambitious, long-winded, and literary in ways that the Stephanie Meyers and Dan Browns of the world never will be. His books aren't always high-concept. It's not just about the hook. His many books and short stories (he's nothing if not prolific) can be sprawling and messy. He's really trying to understand who we are and why we do what we do. He'll try anything once, it seems, always trying to stretch himself as a writer. So not everything is a home run. He often has trouble with his endings. With set-ups so outrageous, there are sometimes no easy resolution that plausibly allows the hero to save the day. And we do stipulate that some of his books are just plain awful (don't ever, ever read The Tommyknockers). This odd inconsistency makes him seem all the more mortal and fallible. He's not perfect. He's just very, very good at what he does.

Here are the best:

1. The Shining - Probably the scariest book we've ever read.
2. Firestarter - For those of us who love an evil-government-conspiracy-thriller, this is a classic.
3. Pet Sematary - This one goes to some very dark, very depressing places. Not exactly entertaining, but certainly memorable.
4. The Green Mile - One of King's fastest-paced, most spry novels.
5. The Stand - Even though it's an epic story, the book is probably too long. But it's one of the best post-apocalyptic stories where the end of the world prefaces a literal clash of Good versus Evil.
6. The Dead Zone - King's most high-concept book: what would you do if you had the chance to kill Hitler before he rose to power?
7. Cell - King's take on zombies. The Cheese Fry loves zombies. Ergo we loved this book.
8. On Writing - King's detailed, fascinating rumination on the struggles and challenges of being a writer. Essential reading for would-be writers.

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There can't just be seven, can there?

Wired this month offers another of their cool little info-graphics, this one attempting to chart the prevalence of the seven deadly sins in the United States. Funny how the conservative, God-fearing southeast seems so disproportionally sinful.

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"EA Sports... It's in the game."

In light of John Madden's retirement this week from NFL announcing, which probably came 4 or 5 years too late, Sports Illustrated posted the covers of all 20 editions of EA Sports' "Madden NFL Football" video game.

The influence of that game on 20- and 30-something men cannot be understated. It's a cultural touchstone. A shared experience. Most guys you meet today, if asked, will have played Madden sometime in the last 12 months. It's just the way it is. Its appeal is universal and undeniable, made better of course with beer, soft drinks, and/or greasy burgers and/or pizza.

There's the competition and camraderie, sure, running your favorite team against your friend's favorite team. Those two teams are probably awful in the real world, but there you are, throwing for 400 yards or organizing a 85-Bears-like defensive shutout. You prefer the sweep left, but don't mind an occasional bootleg right. You could be a coach. Hell, you could be a player. Look how you pushed that X button and hit that hole. That was a busted play, bro, but you turned it into a first down. Glorious.

But it's not all lollipops and roses. You're human. You push the circle when you meant to push the triangle. You call a time-out when you meant to just pause the game. Adding to the anguish of making a mistake is having to suffer the indignity of Pat Summerall stating the obvious and mocking your miserable play. Like you didn't know that was a bad throw. Or that time is running out. Thanks, Pat. And he makes his comment with the same obvious and mocking phrase - embedded deep in your PS2's electronic brain - you've heard a million times before. That's when you make a cruel comment about Pat's alcoholism. Or his advanced age.

Aside from all of that, though, the even more meaningful contribution of Madden is football education. The Cheese Fry probably learned more about the Xs and Os of football from calling Madden plays than from watching actual games. It's one thing to hear about the value of the running game or the need for savvy clock management. It's quite another to experience it first-hand and learn hard lessons.

Madden makes us better fans. And it makes us better people.

Thanks, John Madden, for giving us "Madden."

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Sitcom sets in Lego

This strange collection of 1970s-80s Lego sitcom set replicas is one pop culture obsession that we at the Cheese Fry can truly admire. It's the sort of oddball OCD thing we would have done. (If you ever want to see an extensive collection of handmade Star Trek props rendered in balsa wood and Testor model paint, let us know.)

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Playboy vs. reality

The fine folks at Wired magazine offer another clever graph analysis of pop culture. This one tracks the differences between Playboy centerfold body types and "civilian" body types. In the 1960s, the centerfolds were a fair approximation of the typical American woman. No more.

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43 in 8

Can you name all 43 presidents in 8 minutes? We got all but 11. The late 19th century is the black hole of presidents. Courtesy Mental Floss.

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Ars gratia artis

Neatorama.com takes a look at the origins of the Hollywood movie studio logos. Probably for shameless movie nerds only. That is, those of you who know who Alfred Newman is and why he's so important to movie logos.

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Ice or no ice?

The October issue of Wired magazine took a scientific approach to the age-old question of how much ice is enough ice when you're paying $5 for a soft drink at the movie theater.

Factoring in volume, temperature, and cost, the answer is that an "easy on the ice" approach is the best approach.

Click on the image below to get a closer look at the figures.

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My anaconda don't want none

Want a prime example of the artistic genius that might otherwise be undiscovered were it not for YouTube? Here's Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" remixed ala Gilbert and Sullivan and edited with the video from a 1980 TV version of Pirates of Penzance. If you haven't already seen it, check it out.

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Don't cry for me, Sanjaya.

If you're a regular viewer of the Idol (obsessives drop the American and add a "the"), you witnessed this week the curious scene of a hysterical, sobbing tweener girl acting like she was at The Ed Sullivan Show circa 1963. Even more curious is that she seemed all atwitter over the incredibly untalented contestant Sanjaya. Who was this girl? Surely she wasn't for real. Well, it wasn't exactly a plant, but it wasn't exactly spontaneous, either.

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Guilty Pleasures: MTV

It’s fashionable for Generation Xers (weaned on Martha Quinn and reruns of “The Young Ones”) to complain about MTV these days and its reluctance to play music videos outside of a few snippets on TRL. Last the Cheese Fry checked, the M in their name still meant “music.” But the network now is more of a “lifestyle” channel that programs its schedule with an eye to exploiting the trendy, sex-obsessed, in-your-face sensibility of its target demographic.

Even so, if you choose wisely, MTV can still deliver the goods, even if it’s often a guilty pleasure that comes with a whole lot of Clearasil spots. The best of the bunch are these three:

1. Made. This show – a rather traditional one-hour documentary, though not something you’d ever confuse with “60 Minutes” – offers the kinder, gentler side of MTV, a channel that each year shamelessly broadcasts from the half-naked, drunken beaches of Spring Break. Each episode of “Made” follows one high schooler as he/she works to attain some dream or goal (which usually seems fairly arbitrary) with the help of a professional guide. See the school geek try to become a rocker, see the outcast try to join the basketball team, see the wallflower try to become a tough skateboarder. On its face of it the whole thing is rather silly, but these kids are far more real – full of doubt, worry, and a desperate need to fit in – than the plastic specimens you’ll see squealing on the Spring Break shows. Plus, the brutally clique-ish high school social scene on display in each episode in verite detail is sure to induce cringes in any viewer who managed to barely escape the 12th grade in one piece. It’s a John Hughes film come to life.

2. Next. The Dating Game for the ADD set. One contestant gets to meet five people to date (yes, there are same-sex episodes) and at any minute can say “Next!” to dump that person and meet the next one in the queue. When the contestant finally meets the date he/she likes, he gives them a chance to go on another date (without the camera crew) or take home one dollar for every minute they’ve been together. Whatever. The fun comes just from watching the cross-section calvacade of contestants and dates who come from all walks of life and all manners of style and dress, from surfer dudes to goth chicks, stripper chic to preppy nerd. Most of them are the kind of people you’d never in a million years want to date. Which is why it’s so much for see their egos deflated, either by being dismissed with a rude “Next” or by being the one cruelly saying “Next” for such shallow and pointless reasons. The flip side of this, of course, is that you end up rooting hard for the handful of genuinely decent-seeming people.

3. Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Gauntlet 2. All the punctuation (and that cheeky “2”) in the wordy title can be intimidating, yes, but this is the guiltiest of MTV guilty pleasures, an ingenious and addictive cross-pollination between “Survivor”-style elimination challenges and bratty 20-something psychodrama of “The Real World.” By now MTV has cultivated a fairly extensive stable of reality TV stars thanks to so many years of “Real World” and “Road Rules” seasons and the network treats the cast members like its own personal company of actors, each with his or her own role to play – some are villains, some are heroes, some can be counted on, some are hopeless flakes. Because no one cuts tape together better than MTV’s editors, you can’t help but get sucked into the petty jealousies, beer-soaked bravado, and snarky to-the-camera testimonials. Watch it once if only for the extremely over-the-top opening credits packed full of an inordinate amount of sexy pouts and sullen glares that’s apparently intended to be taken completely seriously. We kid because we love.

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Sienna is the new Gertrude

Baby Name Wizard offers a cool interactive graph that can tell you the popularity of baby names over the last 100 years.

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