Regular Cheese Fry readers (and we know there's at least four of you) may recall Olivia Wilde winning this exercise last year and Christina Hendricks winning in 2010. So proud they must be to have the Cheese Fry in their corner.
So will win this year?
This year, the 64 women are divided by Esquire into "Movies," "TV," "Royals," and "Models and Music."
Here's how our bracket shaped up.
Emerging from "Movies" into the Sweet 16:
* Charlize Theron (1 seed)
* Kate Winslet (12)
* Felicity Jones (14)
* Emma Stone (2)
The 1 and the 2 advance as expected, no question there. The 3-seed was Jennifer Lawrence, who we feel the Selection Committee seeded much too high. Mila Kunis was 4, which seems right, but she still lost in what Esquire might consider an update to Kate Winslet, ranked at a rather absurdly low 12.
Coming out of the "TV" division into the Sweet 16:
* Sofia Vergara (1)
* Kristen Bell (4)
* Amber Heard (6)
* Maria Menounos (15)
More low seeds advance. Not making the cut: someone named Gugu Mbatha-Raw (2) and the "30 Rock" intern Katrina Bowden (3). We don't really get Kristen Bell, but she's definitely hotter than Elizabeth Olsen (14), whom she beat to get here. We saw Maria Menounos in person once and cannot adequately describe to you how incredibly beautiful she is - it's like she's been CGI'd or something.
From the "Royals" division, we get these for the Sweet 16:
* Helen Mirren (16)
* Kim Kardashian (4)
* Stacy Keibler (3)
* Beyonce (7)
Helen Mirren as a 16? Seriously? It's certainly hip to call Dame Helen attractive, but that doesn't make it any less true. In a fight against #1 seed Duchess Katherine, it's not even close. Kim and Stacy are empty vessels, really, advancing in the most perfunctory way possible. This is surely the easiest division. It's the NFC West of the brackets.
And entering the Sweet 16 from the "Models and Music" group:
* Kate Upton (1)
* Katy Perry (4)
* Brooklyn Decker (3)
* Bar Refaeli (7)
Carrie Underwood (2) missed the cut, or else it would be a favorites-only bracket. Despite how annoying the Maria Menounos anecdote may have been, we must also note that we once sat behind Bar Refaeli at a Lakers game. We didn't recognize her right away, but even with a baseball cap on and no makeup, it was clear she was, as they say, smoking hot.
The Sweet 16 shook out like this:
* Kate Winslet defeats Charlize Theron - Charlize is regal and statuesque, yes, but she wouldn't ever talk to you, but we like to think we could have a beer with Kate
* Emma Stone defeats Felicity Jones - Emma may have been the best thing about last month's Oscar show
* Sofia Vergara defats Kristen Bell - like killing a fly with a shotgun
* Amber Heard defeats Maria Menounous - Maria is the cute girl next door, but Amber is the gorgeous woman across town
* Helen Mirren defeats Kim Kardashian - we protest that Kim was even in these brackets
* Beyonce defeats Stacy Kiebler - cannon fodder for the next rounds
* Kate Upton defeats Katy Perry - we can't believe the stories we hear about how the fashion industry is so unimpressed with Kate
* Bar Rafeli defeats Brooklyn Decker - photo finish, it was so close
And here's who's going to the Final Four:
* Kate Winslet (12) beats Emma Stone (2)
* Amber Heard (6) beats Sofia Vergara (1)
* Helen Mirren (16) beats Beyonce (7)
* Kate Upton (1) beats Bar Refaeli (7)
Upsets, upsets, upsets. Kate Upton advances without breaking a sweat, but underdogs fill out the rest of the Final Four.
And the championship rounds:
* Kate Winslet beats Amber Heard
* Kate Upton beats Helen Mirren
Which means that Kate Winslet beats Kate Upton in a Battle of the Short Names for Catherine. A truly worthy victor, don't you think?