Holiday knee-jerk review: "A Charlie Brown Christmas"

1. We're very sad if a holiday season goes by and we don't catch this on TV. Which is why this year, the Cheese Fry bought the DVD.

2. But we freely admit that part of the appeal lies in wistful nostalgia and remembering the first time we saw the show (probably on CBS) as a student at F.P. Caillet Elementary and feeling a strong affinity for the characters, who - at the time - were our peers.

3. Vince Guaraldi is a genius. But you already knew that, right?

4. We knew Lucy had a problem with Charlie Brown, but it's clear that minor character Violet harbors the most ill will. She's the one who utters the classic line "Oh no, we're doomed" when she finds out Charlie Brown is going to direct their Christmas play.

5. The funniest bit: Snoopy mocking Lucy as she's giving orders to everyone.

6. "All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share." Clever encapsulation by Sally Brown of everything that's "wrong" with the holiday season.

7. The show just isn't the same without all of the Dolly Madison commercials, the sponsor of the show back in the late 1970s. Whatever happened to the Zinger Zapper?

8. Weird that Peppermint Patty doesn't appear in the show. But she always was our least favorite Peanuts character. Abrasive. Annoying.

9. The bit where the gang dance to Snoopy and Pig Pen (who knew he could play the string bass?) and Schroeder's music is certainly memorable. The kids are all looped in a very cheap and crude sort of way, doing the same thing over and over again, but the dance moves are so charming. You have the twin girls in purple slinging their heads back and forth, the other boy doing the shoulder roll. Cute.

10. Love the gag where Linus Van Pelt and Charlie Brown rap their knuckles against an aluminum tree and hear it clang.

11. Thanks to Charles Schultz for making "good grief" such a useful multi-purpose exclamation.

12. If you don't feel a little fuzzy warmth in your heart when the show ends with the kids all shouting "Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!" and then singing "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing," then you may not have a heart.

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The missing "Knee-jerks"

Were it not for the demands of caring for the littlest Cheese Fry, born June 17, we would have likely provided invaluable "Knee-Jerk Reviews" for the following films. We regret these omissions.

(500) Days of Summer
Black Dynamite

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Couples Retreat

The Hangover

The Informant!

Moon

Paranormal Activity

The Proposal

The Time Traveler's Wife

Up

Where the Wild Things Are

Whip It

Zombieland

We can only assume some of these are really good, some not so good. But that's why God made Netflix.

As is, we've been able to review just two movies post-June 17: District 9 and Inglorious Basterds.

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Our 300th post

The Cheese Fry has been live in (on?) the blogosphere since May of 2005. This is our 300th post for those of you out there who are counting. Such a momentous milestone deserves an important post, a reflective post.

We're often asked, "Why not post more personal entries about friends and family?" Sadly, that is not what The Cheese Fry is about. So what makes the cut for The Cheese Fry? What's the prototypical post?

There are three guidelines, all of which have evolved over the years. When we started the blog, we weren't sure how we would fill two posts, let alone 300. Luckily, like any good creative endeavor, The Cheese Fry has assumed a personality of its own. We're just following its lead.

The guidelines, as of now...

1. A post must deal with popular culture. Usually, this will involve movies, television, and music. But anything is fair game.

2. If not #1, then a post must offer some sort of tidbit, rant, or insight into the world around us.

3. If #1 and #2 can take the form of a numbered or bullet-pointed list, so much the better.

4. Nostalgic, 1980s-1990s reminiscence will be added as often as possible.

And now back to the blog.

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AFI 100's 26 that we never saw

In 1998, the American Film Institute - in an attempt to make itself more relevant by giving morning talk shows something to talk about between serious stories and to create a new source of revenue by creating glitzy TV specials - created its top 100 American films of all time.

Below are the 26 top 100 films the Cheese Fry never saw. In some cases, we're quite embarrassed (every snobbish cineaste, I know, has to see Lawrence of Arabia). In other cases, we're quite proud of our avoidance (who the hell wants to see Doctor Zhivago? and is it really one of the top 100?).
Lawrence of Arabia
The Bridge on the River Kwai
The Grapes of Wrath
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
Treasure of Sierra Madre
The Best Years of Our Lives
Doctor Zhivago
West Side Story
The Birth of a Nation
From Here to Eternity
Rebel without a Cause
Stagecoach
An American in Paris
Wuthering Heights
Dances with Wolves
The Wild Bunch
Giant
Duck Soup
Mutiny on the Bounty
Easy Rider
Patton
The Jazz Singer
A Place in the Sun
The Searchers
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Yankee Doodle Dandy

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Top five months of the year

1. November - Our favorite holiday is Thanksgiving since it combines our two favorite activities: eating copious amounts of starchy foods and watching football.
2. December - For obvious reasons.
3. October - The first crisp, chilly day of fall.
4. July - Summer's in full swing. Barbecues, baseball, big noisy popcorn movies.
5. May - Memorial Day, the gateway holiday ushering in another summer. Had a 10-year-old Cheese Fry written this list, May would probably clock in at number 2, right behind December. For obvious reasons.

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"Pistons popping, ain't no stoppin' now..."

The Cheese Fry has again embraced his inner 20-year-old with the acquisition of Guitar Hero 5. But better than that is the bonus included with that purchase: an advance copy of the upcoming Guitar Hero Van Halen.

Van Halen contributed important songs to our middle-school and high-school soundtrack. And because we were getting into music (1984 was one of the first three cassette tapes we bought at the Bachman Lake branch of the dearly departed Sound Warehouse chain - the other two: The Police's Synchronicity and Huey Lewis and the News' Sports) right as the band transitioned from David Lee Roth to Sammy Hagar, the Cheese Fry is unafraid to embrace the "Van Hagar" era.

Anticipating Guitar Hero Van Halen made us reminisce through the Van Halen catalog and do what we do best: make a list.

The best Van Halen songs are as follows:

1. "Hot for Teacher" (from 1984) - The intro's machine gun-drums and scorching guitar arpeggio would probably be enough for the top seed, but then you add in the lyric's taboo subject matter and overall raw vibe of good times gone very very good. When you're a seventh grader seeing the video on MTV for the first time, there's no doubt that this is most bad-ass song ever made.

2. "Panama" (1984) - The lyrics make no sense, but this is rock (would you call Van Halen heavy metal? we think not, but let's call it a photo-finish) at its most bare bones: crashing drums, grinding guitars, guttural vocals packed with double entendres. The prototypical Roth-era Van Halen song.

3. "Finish What Ya Started" (OU812) - A funky, twangy, jangling song in some kind of exotic time signature and with lots of sharp, clean vocal harmonies. It defies easy description. Which makes it very, very memorable.

4. "Dance the Night Away" (Van Halen II) - The kind of upbeat pop you'd expect from the Hagar years, but here it is on the band's second album. Probably the band's most catchy chorus, again with those backing chorus melodies. Take a chance, you're old enough to dance... the night away.

5. "Why Can't This Be Love" (5150) - Significant because it was the first single off the band's 5150 album, its first with Hagar replacing Roth. Because the song didn't suck, fans could more or less relax, or last least begin in earnest the debate as to which incarnation was better - the hard-rocking Roth band or more pop-radio friendly Hagar band. (Lest anyone forget, though, the band is called Van Halen. It was always Eddie's band and nothing happened without his okay.) And now music history class is over.

6. "Love Walks In" (5150) - Another synthesizer-meets-electric guitar top-40 groove that David Lee Roth would have hated. A freshman year favorite of ours, thanks perhaps to how its sentimental, optimistic vibe so perfectly meshed with the young Cheese Fry's homornal longings and ineffectual social skills. Love comes walking in and all of that stuff.

7. "Runnin' with the Devil" (Van Halen) - The first song off their first album, definitively setting the stage what with all the Roth howls and slow-and-steady grinding Eddie guitar riffs. When you're 12, it's the epitome of edgy rebellion to listen to a song with the word "devil" in it.

8. "Summer Nights" (5150) - We didn't think we liked the 5150 album all that much, but here's a third song. Go figure. More fuzzy guitars, more sing-song melodies, this one a blue-collar celebration of doing nothing in the summertime.

9. "Cabo Wabo" (OU812) - A sun-soaked ode to Mexican fun, this is the perfect embodiment of Hagar's laid-back, what-me-worry outlook. If Jimmy Buffet wrote songs for Van Halen, this is what it would sound like.

10. "Beautiful Girls" (Van Halen II) - Here I am, ain't no man of the world. All I need is a beautiful girl. Amen.

You'll note "Jump" appears nowhere on this list. That's because it's overplayed and, frankly, completely overrated.

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The ten worst neighbors

1. The horrible, awful people across the street with the yipping, barking, utterly useless dog. If we had the technology to kill that dog without worry of being caught, we would do so. There is no purpose for its existence as far as we can tell.

2. The weird hippie woman downstairs who hosted numerous mysterious roommates, including a teenaged girl who liked to play her keyboard loud in the middle of the night. The same six chords over and over and over.

3. The chatterbox old man who was perfectly nice and harmless, but who enjoyed cornering you by your car to carry on a 30 minute conversation.

4. The Russians who like to argue with their windows open. Is it better that we can't understand what they're saying?

5. The girl next door who always parked her stupid Volkswagen so close to the gate that we could barely squeeze through. Those times we accidentally scuffed and scratched your paintjob trying to slither past with arms full of laundry or groceries? Don't care.

6. The oh-so-hip twentysomethings who seemed to all have apartments behind our building and liked to have loud parties until 3am on the weekends that featured angry, drunken arguments on their balconies about ex-boyfriends or current girlfriends or some such crap. Yes, it is better when you can't understand them.

7. The creepy tattooed Goth couple who liked to have sex with their window open. We're not making this up.

8. The girl upstairs who refused to loan us 50 cents to call our roommate when we got locked out, even though she was surrounded by stacks and stacks of quarters. But, as she put it, "that's for my laundry." How could we argue with that?

9. The guy upstairs who peed so loud you could hear it through the ceiling.

10. The couple across the courtyard with the crying baby. Yes, we see the irony.

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Essential ingredients for "COPS"

It's hard to imagine a world without "COPS," the addictive, ubiquitous half-hour show filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement that not only helped usher in the current reality-show craze but also helped launch the Fox television network way back in 1989. The show recently began its 22nd season, suggesting that the show's novelty (or that of the "Bad Boys" theme song) has yet to wear off.

What makes this show so captivating? Why are we always so eager to watch it?

Is it that undeniable sense of superiority we get from looking down our nose at the often illiterate, poorly-dressed knuckleheads who have to explain themselves to the police? Is it the red-state conservative in us that craves swift and certain justice, that assumes that these folks are surely guilty (even though they've been in police custody for a matter of minutes) and will soon get what they have coming, extenuating circumstances be damned? Is it an armchair law enforcement curiosity factor at work, an interest in seeing the "everyday" experiences of uniform cops which is so far removed from the fictional blood-soaked thrills of the "CSI" and "Law and Order" franchises? Or does the show serve a purely instructional purpose, a vivid what-would-I-do lesson in how best to handle (or to not handle) unexpected situations like traffic stops or domestic violence?

Nah, it's probably just the car chases and fistfights.

Most episodes of "COPS" have several of the following elements. The very best episodes have all of them.

* "That's not mine, officer."

* A bumpy through-the-windshield shot of a fleeing car, accompanied by the sound of the police car's revving engine. Bonus points for the police car's headlights slicing through clouds of dust.

* A suspect without a shirt, preferably revealing bad tattoos.

* A suspect without a tooth.

* "I only had two beers."

* A grotesque prostitute, paired with a surprisingly normal-looking john. Ew.

* Even better, the normal-looking john coming up with all kinds of implausible reasons why he has a grotesque prostitute in his car.

* "Why did you run?"

* The boss sergeant who shows up after the situation's fully under control, who then proceeds to stand there impassively while the patrol cops explain everything that's happened.

* "What'd I do?" asked by a suspect after he just ran for six blocks from the police.

* A scraggly woman with more kids than she can handle.

* A suspect who says he doesn't have anything in the car, but who - in fact - does indeed some something in the car.

* Little baggies of drugs. Where do they get those tiny little baggies?

* A cop behind the wheel, typically at the top of the episode, giving us a quick little summary of either A) why he's in law enforcement, B) what a great community it is he lives in, or C) how much he enjoys his job.

* A domestic violence situation, with each person involved insisting that it's the other one who started it, the other one who should go to jail, the other one who won't stay away. Extra credit if one of them is bloodied somehow.

* Relatives of the suspect gathering around to yell at the police and defend the suspect, inevitably followed by some variation of "Get back or you're going to jail too!"

* A suspect who can't seem to follow directions that require he simply sit still on the curb.

* A drunk and/or crazy suspect kicking and/or head-butting the window of a patrol car's back seat.

* The tell-tale used crack pipe.

* Two or more cops analyzing their brief moment of excitement and adrenaline in apprehending the suspect as if discussing a touchdown in flag football.

* A broken tail light.

* "Get down on the ground now!"

* Bleeped profanity.

* One last catchy, pithy line from a victorious cop as we dissolve to the blue and red flashing "COPS" logo. It has to be a clever phrase that sums it all up, something along the lines of "Too bad tonight he's going to jail" or "This is just another day on the job" or "That's one more bad guy off the street."

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Top 10 "I Love Lucy" episodes

We're always amazed by how well this 1950s sitcom continues to hold up. Then again, this show practically invented the format. Time has been quite kind to Ricardos and the Mertzes, thanks perhaps to the fact that almost every episode was written by the same three people: Madelyn Pugh Davis, Bob Carroll Jr,. and Jess Oppenheimer. Geniuses all.

1. The one with Vitameetavegamin. "Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular?" ("Lucy Does a TV Commercial")

2. The one where Lucy and Ethel tear down and then rebuild Ricky's barbecue. "If I'd have know this is what friends are for, I'd have signed up as an enemy." ("Building a Barbecue")

3. The one where Lucy keeps stopping the train. "Did you pull that cord?" ("The Great Train Robbery")

4. The one with the wax tulips and the runaway lawn mower. ("Lucy Raises Tulips")

5. The one where the boys dance with the hot young girl at the country club. ("Country Club Dance")

6. The one where Lucy gets stuck in the freezer. ("The Freezer")

7. The one where Lucy meets with a Hollywood studio head and pretends to be Ricky's agent.
"Released?" "Released." ("Ricky Needs an Agent")

8. The one where Lucy switches all of the clocks in the apartment so she won't be late, but then they're late for an important event anyway. ("Lucy's Schedule")

9. The one at the chocolate factory. "Speed it up, boys!" ("Job Switching")

10. The one where the Ricardos sells the Mertzes their washing machine. "Look what happened to your washing machine." ("Never Do Business with Friends")

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Six football plays that sound dirty

1. Wishbone Option
2. Skinny Post
3. Double Reverse
4. Buttonhook
5. Naked Bootleg
6. Stop and Go

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Favorite beer evolution

Miller Genuine Draft (a.k.a. "MGD"), 1991-1998
Guinness, 1998
Rolling Rock, 1998-2002
Newcastle Brown Ale, 2002-present

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On Stephen King

Stephen King paperbacks were a staple of the Cheese Fry's bookshelf during his high school and college years. They filled one entire shelf, arranged neatly in order of publication (of course), spines crinkled and worn with use.

We've lost touch with Mr. King since the early 1990s (though we are faithful readers of his Entertainment Weekly columns), but much of his work has stuck with us. No one is better at mixing everyday pop culture ordinariness with scary, out-of-the-ordinary thrills and chills. But there's more to it than just cool scary stories.

King may be a best-selling populist author, but he's ambitious, long-winded, and literary in ways that the Stephanie Meyers and Dan Browns of the world never will be. His books aren't always high-concept. It's not just about the hook. His many books and short stories (he's nothing if not prolific) can be sprawling and messy. He's really trying to understand who we are and why we do what we do. He'll try anything once, it seems, always trying to stretch himself as a writer. So not everything is a home run. He often has trouble with his endings. With set-ups so outrageous, there are sometimes no easy resolution that plausibly allows the hero to save the day. And we do stipulate that some of his books are just plain awful (don't ever, ever read The Tommyknockers). This odd inconsistency makes him seem all the more mortal and fallible. He's not perfect. He's just very, very good at what he does.

Here are the best:

1. The Shining - Probably the scariest book we've ever read.
2. Firestarter - For those of us who love an evil-government-conspiracy-thriller, this is a classic.
3. Pet Sematary - This one goes to some very dark, very depressing places. Not exactly entertaining, but certainly memorable.
4. The Green Mile - One of King's fastest-paced, most spry novels.
5. The Stand - Even though it's an epic story, the book is probably too long. But it's one of the best post-apocalyptic stories where the end of the world prefaces a literal clash of Good versus Evil.
6. The Dead Zone - King's most high-concept book: what would you do if you had the chance to kill Hitler before he rose to power?
7. Cell - King's take on zombies. The Cheese Fry loves zombies. Ergo we loved this book.
8. On Writing - King's detailed, fascinating rumination on the struggles and challenges of being a writer. Essential reading for would-be writers.

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Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger...

Here at the Cheese Fry, we're somewhat low-class. We'll occasionally enjoy a fine steak and $20 piece of sushi, sure. But sometimes nothing beats a messy fast food cheeseburger to clog your arteries and stretch your waistline.

The best places to go, in order:

1. Fatburger (Southern California)

2. Sonic

3. Whataburger (Texas)

4. Carls Jr. (Southern California)

5. In N Out Burger (Southern California)
6. Dairy Queen

7. Burger King

8. Wendy's

You'll note McDonalds didn't make the cut. That's because their food is gross. And no, the irony is not lost on us.

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There can't just be seven, can there?

Wired this month offers another of their cool little info-graphics, this one attempting to chart the prevalence of the seven deadly sins in the United States. Funny how the conservative, God-fearing southeast seems so disproportionally sinful.

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Knee-jerk review: "Inglorious Basterds"

1. Audacious.
2. We're not sure, but this may be something of a minor masterpiece. Pulp Fiction remains the gold standard for QT, of course. But this could be a close second. In case you're wondering, Kill Bill loses points because Volume 2 isn't as sleek and steely as Volume 1.
3. Some critics have called Brad Pitt's performance as a hillbilly solider lazy or one-note. We don't understand these people. He's great.
4. There really aren't many writers out there who can write dialogue like Tarantino. It seems so easy, doesn't it? Trust us, it ain't.
5. It would be easy to dismiss the whole thing as pop culture regurgitation, a self-conscious blending of cheesy B-movie genres. That all may be true, but this is also a movie with layers and subtext. Complex questions about cinema, about war, about language, about nationalism, about racism.
6. Christoph Waltz? Genius. Look for him as a Best Actor nominee. He walks away with the whole movie. And he knows it.
7. We probably could have done without the Mike Myers cameo.
8. Who knew that Germans gestured numbers with their hands differently than Americans and Brits?
9. The baseball bat scene is incredibly brutal. We had to close our eyes a little. Worse than the ear cutting scene in Reservoir Dogs by about a factor of 20.
10. There are pregnant pauses in movies. And then... there are... Tarantino's... pregnant... pauses. We appreciate the ratcheting up of tension as Wait for Something Bad to Happen, but sometimes he can takes things too far.
11. Poor Max's father.
12. "And I want my scalps."
13. Melanie Laurent, where have you been all this time?
14. The ending has to be seen to be believed. And even then you may not believe it.
15. Good stuff.

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Knee-jerk review: "District 9"

1. Believe the hype.
2. It's very satisfying to see the Hollywood establishment collectively freak out when a movie with no stars and a relatively small budget opens at number one with a $37 million gross. "Does not computer." But a strong story can trump any presumed liability. Most importantly, a great concept executed well makes it easier for the marketing departments to get the word out.
3. There is a big twist halfway through. If you can, see the movie without learning what it is. We had an idea of it and the moment wasn't as strong as it could have been had we gone in blind.
4. The TV spots sold hard the social satire element of the movie - alien xenophobia equals human racism. But the film is much more than that.
5. Since it involves Peter Jackson, you should expect a fair amount of blood-and-guts action. People don't just get shot. They're blown to bits.
6. The bad guys are, to us, a little bit over-the-top. They practically twirl mustaches. But maybe that's okay.
7. It is surely no accident that the bad guys' company - a Blackwater-styled outfit named MNU - shares the same initials as the UN. They even drive the same white armored vehicles.
8. The ending is ambiguous and rather heartbreaking. Just the way we like it.
9. One of the best movies of the year.

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The Most Interesting Post in the World

Sometimes, television advertising can be more entertaining and well-made than the show you're watching. Case in point is the hilariously deadpan Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World" campaign.

It's not just the concept - you should drink Dos Equis because the world's most manly man "prefers" it. It's also the execution. Funny one-liners matched with oddball mockumentary footage of the Most Interesting Man in the World in all sorts of ruggedly worldly adventures: playing jai-alai, rescuing a fox from hunters, arm wresting a banana republic dictator (in black and white archival footage), leading a vote at the UN, splashing down in an Apollo space capsule, playing a back alley game of craps with what appear to be Pacific Islanders.

Seth Stevenson at Slate took an in-depth look at the spots.

Below are our ten favorite one-liners describing the Most Interesting Man in the World.

1. His blood smells like cologne.
2. He has never lost a sock.
3. If he disagrees with you, it's because you are wrong.
4. He can speak French in Russian.
5. He lives vicariously through himself.
6. Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number.
7. He once had an awkward moment... just to see how it feels.
8. People hang on his every word... even the prepositions.
9. He'd never initiate a conversation about the weather... even in a typhoon.
10. He won the same lifetime achievement award twice.

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My mascot can beat up your mascot

In theory, sports mascots are designed to evoke certain elements of ferocity and determination, to energize the fans, to intimidate opponents, to inspire the players. Some work better than others, coasting on tradition rather than reality. Which NFL mascots, in the real world, are the scariest? Which mascot would you not want to bump into at the end of a dark alley?

Our picks, in order from the scariest to the silliest...

1. Titans - We're going with the definition that suggests a "titan" is a omnipotent god. Doesn't get much more formidable than that.

Next come the big animals.

2. Bears
3. Lions
4. Bengals - Funny that our top three match the things Dorothy was most afraid of in The Wizard of Oz.
5. Panthers
6. Jaguars - Jaguars seem fast, but the word "panther" suggests a certain cunning and stealthiness. Edge to Carolina.

Now the scary, presumably angry, and often armed humans.

7. Vikings
8. Raiders - The name suggests their main objective.
9. Buccaneers
10. Patriots
11. Chiefs
12. Redskins - Chiefs are the bosses and presumably smarter. Advantage Kansas City.
13. Cowboys - Not aggressive per se, but usually have a gun and don't back down from a fight. If only Dallas had the same mentality.

Now the smaller animals who might only pose a threat if spooked and charge at you.

14. Rams
15. Bills
16. Broncos - Evoke a snorting wild animal, not a cute and cuddly baby horse. Edge to Denver.
17. Colts
18. Browns - This one's a stretch, but in theory a bulldog could maul you.

And the predatory birds. Surprising how many birds there are.

19. Seahawks - The word "hawk" just sounds aggressive. It's the consonant K.
20. Falcons
21. Eagles

Now the more benign humans.

22. Giants - Being tall doesn't make you scary.
23. Saints - Even holy men can be pushed to the limit. We've seen the movies. And if they're in New Orleans, they're probably drunk and spoiling for a fight.
24. Steelers
25. 49ers
26. Texans - We needed more information on this one. What kind of Texan? From what time period? An Alamo-era Texan or some blue-blood oil millionaire from Houston?
27. Packers - We know how to pack, too. Big whoop.

And the bottom five.

28. Ravens - Isn't a raven essentially a fancy name for a crow?
29. Cardinals - Are they serious with this one? Why not call a team the Sparrows?
30. Dolphins - Obviously.
31. Jets - We're assuming this is a commercial plane and not a fighter. As long as it doesn't crash on top of you, no one's frightened, New York.
32. Chargers - We weren't sure how to address this one. Is it just pure energy? One could argue that this should be number one since electrocution would seem to be a real possibility. But we need more information.

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Cassette tape rewind: senior summer

The Cheese Fry was on top of the world back in July 1989. Working the concession counters at the state-of-the-art UA Park Lane movie theater (now torn down), developing an award-winning proficiency with a large plastic mascot head, rolling in a 1979 sky blue Ford Granada (a sleek silver model is pictured below), eating his weight in chicken strips and french fries, anticipating a great high school senior year.

The top ten songs from July 29, 1989:

1. Martika "Toy Soldiers" - Great time-capsule song, layered synthesizers and drum machines that instantly evokes the late 80s. Still worth listening to. "Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall down..."

2. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince "Batdance" - Lame then, lame now.

3. Madonna "Express Yourself" - Solid middle-of-the-road Madonna, neither as catchy as "Into the Groove" or "Open Your Heart" or nor as annoying as "Who's That Girl" or "La Isla Bonita."

4. Love and Rockets "So Alive" - Best one on this list, part of that trendy late 80s/early 90s "alternative" wave of gritty pop music. You're not still listening to KISS-FM, are you? You have to be listening to 94.5 the Edge! Great song.

5. Bobby Brown "On Our Own" - Guilty pleasure song from a guilty pleasure movie (Ghostbusters II). Yeah, we sang along when it came on the radio. So what? They're Ghostbusters and they're in control.

6. Simply Red "If You Don't Know Me By Now" - We know we're all supposed to like this bluesy, jazzy song. It's oh so very artistic. But honestly, it's too slow, too repetitive, goes on way too long, and the lead singer is kind of freaky looking.

7. Bon Jovi "Lay Your Hands on Me" - Whatever.

8. Great White "Once Bitten Twice Shy" - Part of that hair band craze of the late 1980s. At least this song rocks a little. How hilarious is it that all of those cheesy metal bands (Cinderella, Warrant, White Lion, et al) only had radio hits with sappy, ponderous love ballads?

9. Dino "I Like It" - We don't remember it, either.

10. Richard Marx "Right Here Waiting" - You'll get a cavity listening to this one, a schmaltzy, melodramatic ode to love and longing. So romantic, so reassuring especially for fickle hormone-fueled teenagers. High school proms all across the country put this one on heavy rotation, including Thomas Jefferson HS.

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Knee-jerk review: "The Hurt Locker"

1. Can it be a knee-jerk review if we saw it three weeks ago? Probably not.
2. We don't get the title, either.
3. It's the best movie we've seen so far this year. It's Oscar caliber, no question.
4. Director Kathryn Bigelow still has the goods and we're glad to see her back. Point Break and Strange Days are both way underrated.
5. Thanks for the great cameos, Guy Pearce, David Morse, and Ralph Fiennes.
6. Best sequence: the sniper shootout. Who'll be the first one to zero in from a mile out with 50-caliber rifles.
7. It's not without its familiar cliches, like the officer with no real idea what combat is like. You can guess what happens to him.
8. And truth be told, the whole thing with the fearless soldier who's probably a little crazy and probably a lot addicted to the adrenaline rush of war... that's familiar too. But sometimes meat and potatoes are okay if they're this tasty.
9. Packed full of sweaty suspense. As Roger Ebert noted, usually Hollywood gets a kick out of blowing stuff up (cough-Michael Bay-cough), but here you're desperately hoping nothing does blow up.
10. We remain very dubious of Evangeline Lilly's thespian ability.
11. "If he's not an insurgent, he is now."
12. A star-making turn for Jeremy Renner. Good for him.
13. The first great Iraq war movie. Go see it.

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