1. The term "kick ass" comes to mind.
2. Now that's what the Cheese Fry calls a kiss of death. When you see the movie, you'll know.
3. Remember that technically these folks are not zombies - they're infected with the rage virus. There is a difference.
4. The director - Juan Carlos Fresnadillo - is definitely someone to watch. This is a movie with lots of energy and style. Fresnadillo shoots many of the action scenes here with shaky, claustrophobic close-ups that makes it impossible to know how close the threats are to the characters (i.e. you're always worried that something bad's looming just out of the frame). This is particularly true of the harrowing opening sequence.
5. But even a satisfying movie like this doesn't always play fair - one major plot point requires that an important and potentially dangerous character be left completely unattended by the authorities in a way that is wholly implausible. Oh well.
6. It's nice to see Jeremy Renner play a good guy. His specialty is usually sweaty, duplicitous punks.
7. The subway night-vision sequence is, shall we say, intense.
8. Yes, one can definitely read this as an allegory of the war in Iraq as the American military in trying to help repopulate England A) puts into place a deeply flawed (and in some ways not very well thought out) occupation plan that backfires in horrible ways and B) ultimately must destroy a city in order to "save" it.
9. The film's better than 28 Days Later, which unfortuately suffered from an awkward, plodding third act involving that military detachment.
5.27.2007
Top 6 Lucky Charms (c. 1989)
In order of most to least magically delicious.
1. Green clovers
2. Yellow moons
3. Pink hearts
4. Blue diamonds
5. Orange stars
6. Purple horeshoes
1. Green clovers
2. Yellow moons
3. Pink hearts
4. Blue diamonds
5. Orange stars
6. Purple horeshoes
5.24.2007
Things you probably didn’t know about “The Price Is Right”
* There are people who camp out all night on the filthy sidewalks of Fairfax Avenue just to be assured of a seat. Tents, sleeping bags, ice chests... it's like a Yosemite campground out there. Rumor has it that the line can sometimes be 20 people long at 8pm the night before. At 2:00am, it can be 180 people long.
* The studio (Studio 33, a.k.a. the Bob Barker Studio) seats about 350 people. And yes, it looks much smaller than it does on television. Tiny, in fact. Part of the reason is that the studio's seating is so flat rather than raked. It's like a shoe box.
* Show announcer Rich Fields waves his left arm as he's reading the plugs, urging the audience to clap for the "items up for bid" and the pricing game prizes. He'll also walk out on stage during a pricing game and make an exaggarated "what do you think?" gesture to encourage everyone to start shouting help to the contestants.
* Your hands will get tired from all the clapping. And then you realize you're clapping for an ugly wall clock.
* Each contestant is indeed "interviewed" in the loosest sense of the word prior to show taping. To work through 300 people like this takes about 2 hours. You're set up police line-up style in groups of 12 or so and forced to chat with an unctious contestant coordinator who's equal parts used car salesman and standup comic. After working down the line saying hello and asking a couple of questions, you're dismissed and he confers with his cohort about who made the cut. But with 300 people and only 9 possible slots, the odds ain't so good.
* You know how the contestants on stage will always bend over and peer out at the audience for help like some kind of mental patient? They're trying to see around all the cameras and crew. That stage is tiny enough as it is, but during the show it's crammed full of three big video cameras and maybe 10 crew people. The only empty space is what's in the shot. From the audience you can sometimes barely see the game being played.
* Once a prize is shown on camera and the camera cuts away, stagehands are already wheeling it off. That includes the pricing games. This is probably why the contestants sometimes ask "What kind of car is it?" The doors have already closed on the car in question so the stagehands can start setting up the next game.
* If you're sitting on the left side of the audience, can’t see the showcase turntable where the two final contestants stand and Bob wraps up the show with his "spayed and neutered" line.
* Because the audience is going so nuts at the top of the show - it's hard to even know for sure that the show's started they've got everyone whipped up into such a noisy frenzy - as Rich Fields calls the first four contestants' name, they also hold up with signs with the names spelled out so you can see it if you don't hear it. By the way, during this part of the show, you don't stand up unless your name is called. That's apparently an official rule.
* Before the showcase, Rich and Bob specifically ask the audience to "ooh" and "ahh" over the showcase prizes, rather than simply clap. Weird.
* Between games, when the taping's paused and Bob's talking to the audience and taking questions, a big curtain drops down right in front of contestants' row so no one can see the next game being set up on stage.
* The studio seats aren’t bad – worn red canvas, like what you’d find in an old movie theater.
* A sample of the Barker wit during the commerical "stop downs." Question: "What kind of drink do you like?" Bob: "What have you got?" Question: "What will you miss most when you retire?" Bob: "My money." Question: "Will you sign my shirt?" Bob: "I can't sign your shirt - I’m working here!"
* It's a long and complicated process to sit in the audience. At around 6am, they start handing out pink "Order of Arrival" paper tickets, which are numbered. Then at 7:30am you bring those tickets with you inside CBS to a big holding pen outside the studio. It's covered like a shed. Long benches. Once you're in the shed, they line you up in order of your pink tickets. 1-1-50 over there, 51-100 over here... And slowly now the pages work their way through those lines and, using a black marker, write a number on your actual CBS "Price Is Right" ticket. When this happens you turn in your pink ticket. (The pink ticket seems to be a needless element in the process - why not write on the actual ticket to begin with out on Fairfax?) Now you're free again to leave, but you must come back to the shed at 10:30am. At that point you cannot leave the CBS lot. You're stuck. Speeches are given about the rules and procedures. And then the pages start working their way down the long lines again - everyone's still lined up in order - giving out blue cards with a number and a space to write your name. Then the pages come through again a half hour later and hand out the yellow price tag name badge sticker. By now it's 12:30pm. And then the interviews begin (see above).
* CBS refuses to ever guarantee you a seat. That said, the pages will tell you that getting the iconic yellow price tag name sticker just about “seals the deal.”
* The CBS gift shop - available in the shed to contestants while they wait - is lame. It's just about as lame as the three shelves and two clothes racks that make up the NBC gift shop available to audience members of "The Tonight Show." The networks are missing a prime market here.
* You really do have to witness for yourself the intense cult of Bob Barker to truly appreciate the devotion middle Americans have for this guy.
* Yes, they have one of those old-school applause signs hanging in front of the stage.
* For a moment before someone turns up the sound effect, the Big Wheel's arrow just click-clacks in a very plastic and uninspiring way. But the "dings" of a bid popping up come through loud and clear every time.
* You have to provide a picture ID and a Social Security number to be eligible to be a contestant. And if you actually win a prize, you have 30 days to produce a copy of your actual Social Security card.
* Some enterprising character rents plastic chairs to the all-nighters lined up on Fairfax. Five bucks a chair. Their stack of chairs is about 12 feet tall. Do the math.
* Contestants must use the left-hand stairs to get up on stage because that's the direction the cameras are pointing.
* The studio (Studio 33, a.k.a. the Bob Barker Studio) seats about 350 people. And yes, it looks much smaller than it does on television. Tiny, in fact. Part of the reason is that the studio's seating is so flat rather than raked. It's like a shoe box.
* Show announcer Rich Fields waves his left arm as he's reading the plugs, urging the audience to clap for the "items up for bid" and the pricing game prizes. He'll also walk out on stage during a pricing game and make an exaggarated "what do you think?" gesture to encourage everyone to start shouting help to the contestants.
* Your hands will get tired from all the clapping. And then you realize you're clapping for an ugly wall clock.
* Each contestant is indeed "interviewed" in the loosest sense of the word prior to show taping. To work through 300 people like this takes about 2 hours. You're set up police line-up style in groups of 12 or so and forced to chat with an unctious contestant coordinator who's equal parts used car salesman and standup comic. After working down the line saying hello and asking a couple of questions, you're dismissed and he confers with his cohort about who made the cut. But with 300 people and only 9 possible slots, the odds ain't so good.
* You know how the contestants on stage will always bend over and peer out at the audience for help like some kind of mental patient? They're trying to see around all the cameras and crew. That stage is tiny enough as it is, but during the show it's crammed full of three big video cameras and maybe 10 crew people. The only empty space is what's in the shot. From the audience you can sometimes barely see the game being played.
* Once a prize is shown on camera and the camera cuts away, stagehands are already wheeling it off. That includes the pricing games. This is probably why the contestants sometimes ask "What kind of car is it?" The doors have already closed on the car in question so the stagehands can start setting up the next game.
* If you're sitting on the left side of the audience, can’t see the showcase turntable where the two final contestants stand and Bob wraps up the show with his "spayed and neutered" line.
* Because the audience is going so nuts at the top of the show - it's hard to even know for sure that the show's started they've got everyone whipped up into such a noisy frenzy - as Rich Fields calls the first four contestants' name, they also hold up with signs with the names spelled out so you can see it if you don't hear it. By the way, during this part of the show, you don't stand up unless your name is called. That's apparently an official rule.
* Before the showcase, Rich and Bob specifically ask the audience to "ooh" and "ahh" over the showcase prizes, rather than simply clap. Weird.
* Between games, when the taping's paused and Bob's talking to the audience and taking questions, a big curtain drops down right in front of contestants' row so no one can see the next game being set up on stage.
* The studio seats aren’t bad – worn red canvas, like what you’d find in an old movie theater.
* A sample of the Barker wit during the commerical "stop downs." Question: "What kind of drink do you like?" Bob: "What have you got?" Question: "What will you miss most when you retire?" Bob: "My money." Question: "Will you sign my shirt?" Bob: "I can't sign your shirt - I’m working here!"
* It's a long and complicated process to sit in the audience. At around 6am, they start handing out pink "Order of Arrival" paper tickets, which are numbered. Then at 7:30am you bring those tickets with you inside CBS to a big holding pen outside the studio. It's covered like a shed. Long benches. Once you're in the shed, they line you up in order of your pink tickets. 1-1-50 over there, 51-100 over here... And slowly now the pages work their way through those lines and, using a black marker, write a number on your actual CBS "Price Is Right" ticket. When this happens you turn in your pink ticket. (The pink ticket seems to be a needless element in the process - why not write on the actual ticket to begin with out on Fairfax?) Now you're free again to leave, but you must come back to the shed at 10:30am. At that point you cannot leave the CBS lot. You're stuck. Speeches are given about the rules and procedures. And then the pages start working their way down the long lines again - everyone's still lined up in order - giving out blue cards with a number and a space to write your name. Then the pages come through again a half hour later and hand out the yellow price tag name badge sticker. By now it's 12:30pm. And then the interviews begin (see above).
* CBS refuses to ever guarantee you a seat. That said, the pages will tell you that getting the iconic yellow price tag name sticker just about “seals the deal.”
* The CBS gift shop - available in the shed to contestants while they wait - is lame. It's just about as lame as the three shelves and two clothes racks that make up the NBC gift shop available to audience members of "The Tonight Show." The networks are missing a prime market here.
* You really do have to witness for yourself the intense cult of Bob Barker to truly appreciate the devotion middle Americans have for this guy.
* Yes, they have one of those old-school applause signs hanging in front of the stage.
* For a moment before someone turns up the sound effect, the Big Wheel's arrow just click-clacks in a very plastic and uninspiring way. But the "dings" of a bid popping up come through loud and clear every time.
* You have to provide a picture ID and a Social Security number to be eligible to be a contestant. And if you actually win a prize, you have 30 days to produce a copy of your actual Social Security card.
* Some enterprising character rents plastic chairs to the all-nighters lined up on Fairfax. Five bucks a chair. Their stack of chairs is about 12 feet tall. Do the math.
* Contestants must use the left-hand stairs to get up on stage because that's the direction the cameras are pointing.
5.19.2007
Hollywood Feuds
What they don't want you to know
The Hot Button's David Poland offers up an interesting list of ten things the Hollywood Studios don't want anyone to know about the business side of filmmaking. Numbers 1-5 and Numbers 6-10.
Knee-jerk review: "Spiderman 3"
1. Remember how the Batman movies started to suck when the filmmakers started cramming in too many villains? Same thing here.
2. That opening fight between the New Goblin and Spiderman could have been truly amazing if it were a little easier to follow what was happening. With the camera's unending swoops and swirls and spins, you're lucky if you can tell which way is up, much less understand the action. If they'd locked the camera down a couple of times they probably could have saved $8 million on special effects alone in that sequence.
3. The whole movie really is something of a disappointing mess.
4. If The Cheese Fry had to pick for Peter Parker, it'd be Bryce Dallas Howard's Gwen Stacy over Kirsten Dunst's Mary Jane Parker. No contest.
5. Bruce Campbell's French maitre d' just about steals the movie.
6. The most ridiculous element: an incredibly dangerous particle accelerator contraption... that's located in a New York City suburb... and protected only by an eight-foot-tall cyclone fence. It's lazy writing.
7. The runaway crane scene is the film's best action moment.
8. There's a stale retread feel to the entire movie, particularly when it comes to Peter Parker's character. He's spent many months (maybe even years) by now as Spiderman, yet he still seems to be just as gawky and nerdy and clueless. How is this possible? How can the experience of being a, you know, superhero not have changed him?
9. If anyone wants to argue that Kirsten Dunst doesn't have strong acting chops, offer this up as Exhibit A.
10. You really do have to deduct points from a movie that dares to go to the temporary-short-term-amnesia well. You do realize this, right?
11. Spiderman 2 was the best of the series. Probably one of the greatest comic book films ever. And guess what? One villain.
12. It's pretty cool that Peter Parker uses what looks like a RadioShack police scanner to find crimes as they're being committed.
13. The secret to destroying Venom is also pretty cool.
14. For someone trying to maintain a secret identity, Peter Parker sure does take off his mask a lot in public places. He also leaps out of his apartment window in full Spidey suit.
15. The Daily Bugle scenes with J. Jonah Jameson have always been way over the top in these movies and in this one they're excessively so. J.K. Simmons' bellowing acting just grating.
16. There are some interesting themes here about revenge and forgiveness. If only they'd been more fleshed out.
17. The jazz bar scene where Peter Parker humiliates M.J. is just ridiculous. Worst part of the whole movie.
18. The film's record box office is somewhat disheartening - the lesson seems to be that "event" films will draw huge crowds no matter how good or bad they may be. Bad word of mouth can't put a dent in these blockbusters because people apparently want to experience it for themselves. This principle is solely responsible for the bombastic and mostly unwatchable Pirates of the Caribbean series. If a deeply flawed and unsatisfying movie like Spiderman 3 makes $150 million in three days, why would Hollywood ever attempt a more stringent effort at filmmaking quality control? If it ain't broke, why fix it?
2. That opening fight between the New Goblin and Spiderman could have been truly amazing if it were a little easier to follow what was happening. With the camera's unending swoops and swirls and spins, you're lucky if you can tell which way is up, much less understand the action. If they'd locked the camera down a couple of times they probably could have saved $8 million on special effects alone in that sequence.
3. The whole movie really is something of a disappointing mess.
4. If The Cheese Fry had to pick for Peter Parker, it'd be Bryce Dallas Howard's Gwen Stacy over Kirsten Dunst's Mary Jane Parker. No contest.
5. Bruce Campbell's French maitre d' just about steals the movie.
6. The most ridiculous element: an incredibly dangerous particle accelerator contraption... that's located in a New York City suburb... and protected only by an eight-foot-tall cyclone fence. It's lazy writing.
7. The runaway crane scene is the film's best action moment.
8. There's a stale retread feel to the entire movie, particularly when it comes to Peter Parker's character. He's spent many months (maybe even years) by now as Spiderman, yet he still seems to be just as gawky and nerdy and clueless. How is this possible? How can the experience of being a, you know, superhero not have changed him?
9. If anyone wants to argue that Kirsten Dunst doesn't have strong acting chops, offer this up as Exhibit A.
10. You really do have to deduct points from a movie that dares to go to the temporary-short-term-amnesia well. You do realize this, right?
11. Spiderman 2 was the best of the series. Probably one of the greatest comic book films ever. And guess what? One villain.
12. It's pretty cool that Peter Parker uses what looks like a RadioShack police scanner to find crimes as they're being committed.
13. The secret to destroying Venom is also pretty cool.
14. For someone trying to maintain a secret identity, Peter Parker sure does take off his mask a lot in public places. He also leaps out of his apartment window in full Spidey suit.
15. The Daily Bugle scenes with J. Jonah Jameson have always been way over the top in these movies and in this one they're excessively so. J.K. Simmons' bellowing acting just grating.
16. There are some interesting themes here about revenge and forgiveness. If only they'd been more fleshed out.
17. The jazz bar scene where Peter Parker humiliates M.J. is just ridiculous. Worst part of the whole movie.
18. The film's record box office is somewhat disheartening - the lesson seems to be that "event" films will draw huge crowds no matter how good or bad they may be. Bad word of mouth can't put a dent in these blockbusters because people apparently want to experience it for themselves. This principle is solely responsible for the bombastic and mostly unwatchable Pirates of the Caribbean series. If a deeply flawed and unsatisfying movie like Spiderman 3 makes $150 million in three days, why would Hollywood ever attempt a more stringent effort at filmmaking quality control? If it ain't broke, why fix it?
5.16.2007
The Cheese Fry Hot 19 (TV Character Edition)
1 Tami Taylor
2 Dr. Juliet Burke
3 Brooke Davis
4 Melinda Gordon
5 Allison Dubois
6 Detective Olivia Benson
7 Niki/Jessica Sanders8 Tyra Collette
9 Kate Austen
10 Lorelai Gilmore
11 Sun Kwon
12 Dr. Isobel Stevens
13 Lieutenant Kara Thrace
14 Liz Lemon
15 Dr. Abby Lockhart16 Special Agent Samantha Spade17 Angela Martin
18 Calleigh Duquesne
19 Dr. Neela Rasgotra
2 Dr. Juliet Burke
3 Brooke Davis
4 Melinda Gordon
5 Allison Dubois
6 Detective Olivia Benson
7 Niki/Jessica Sanders8 Tyra Collette
9 Kate Austen
10 Lorelai Gilmore
11 Sun Kwon
12 Dr. Isobel Stevens
13 Lieutenant Kara Thrace
14 Liz Lemon
15 Dr. Abby Lockhart16 Special Agent Samantha Spade17 Angela Martin
18 Calleigh Duquesne
19 Dr. Neela Rasgotra
4.30.2007
Knee-jerk review: "Disturbia"
1. You can just hear the Diet-Coke-fueled pitch meeting: "It's Rear Window, see, but for teenagers!" Even so, the movie's smarter than you might expect.
2. Part of the reason is the considerable scruffy charisma of lead Shia LaBeouf.
3. The violent prologue may not be explicit, but it's definitely intense and scary. That's a pretty hard PG-13 scene.
4. David Morse is always good, isn't he?
5. How did Shia LeBeouf's character get his hands on the blueprints for the house next door? LocalBlueprints.com? There's hard to believe and then there's something laughable like this.
6. It's one thing to buy that a serial killer might build an extra room onto his house for grisly deeds, but what's with the creepy giant basement and then the cave-like sub-basement? When would he have time to build all of that? Why would he try to find the time to build all of that?
7. The garage door opener bit is clever.
8. The climax gets a little ridiculous, but that's unfortunately just the way these kinds of things usually end.
9. Sarah Roemer's bikini scenes add, shall we say, extra value.
10. That's a pretty cool title, isn't it?
11. Always fun to see local Los Angeles news anchors pimping themselves out for fake newscasts in movies.
12. Seriously, if you hit someone in the head with an aluminum baseball bat, you're probably going to kill them.
2. Part of the reason is the considerable scruffy charisma of lead Shia LaBeouf.
3. The violent prologue may not be explicit, but it's definitely intense and scary. That's a pretty hard PG-13 scene.
4. David Morse is always good, isn't he?
5. How did Shia LeBeouf's character get his hands on the blueprints for the house next door? LocalBlueprints.com? There's hard to believe and then there's something laughable like this.
6. It's one thing to buy that a serial killer might build an extra room onto his house for grisly deeds, but what's with the creepy giant basement and then the cave-like sub-basement? When would he have time to build all of that? Why would he try to find the time to build all of that?
7. The garage door opener bit is clever.
8. The climax gets a little ridiculous, but that's unfortunately just the way these kinds of things usually end.
9. Sarah Roemer's bikini scenes add, shall we say, extra value.
10. That's a pretty cool title, isn't it?
11. Always fun to see local Los Angeles news anchors pimping themselves out for fake newscasts in movies.
12. Seriously, if you hit someone in the head with an aluminum baseball bat, you're probably going to kill them.
Hollywoodus celebritanius
Carlos Santana, in the waiting lounge at the Burbank airport (The Cheese Fry can't bring itself to call it the Bob Hope Airport), strolling over to the bathroom before taking a seat in the far corner facing the wall.
4.15.2007
Knee-jerk review: "Grindhouse"
1. Kurt Russell is the man. No doubt about it. The guy oozes effortless cool, even as a psycho bad guy. Especially as a psycho bad guy.
2. Yes yes, Quentin Tarantino has an ear for clever, poetic dialogue. We get it. Can we all just move on now? Especially Tarantino.
3. Was Rose McGowan always this gorgeous? Whoa.
4. The head-on car crash may be one of the more horrific sequences put to film. Very violent. And not in a check-it-out-cool way, but an eww-gross-did-we-need-to-see-that way.
5. Everyone's attacking Robert Rodriguez's film "Planet Terror" and praising Tarantino's film "Death Proof." Truth is, they're pretty equal in terms of what works and what doesn't. They both have lots of fun with the drive-in-style exploitation films they're mimicking, but they're both way too long and self-indulgent. You get the feeling that in making this film Rodriquez and Tarantino were mostly interested in amusing one another - whether or not audiences like it is sort of beside the point.
6. Bottom line: they're not nearly as clever and brilliant as they seem to think they are.
7. Before the film, one of the genuine coming attraction trailers was for Rob Zombie's needless remake of Halloween. It was a skeezy, loud, nasty little trailer... and almost completely indistisguishable from the "fake" trailers that ran in Grindhouse.
8. You know who else is really good in this? Josh Brolin. Seriously.
9. There's no need for this to run over three hours. No need at all.
10. Edgar Wright's fake trailer for a British horror film called Don't is genius.
11. The last 15 minutes or so of "Death Proof" are pretty exciting, especially that final freeze frame.
12. The first 15 minutes or so of "Death Proof" are incredibly boring.
2. Yes yes, Quentin Tarantino has an ear for clever, poetic dialogue. We get it. Can we all just move on now? Especially Tarantino.
3. Was Rose McGowan always this gorgeous? Whoa.
4. The head-on car crash may be one of the more horrific sequences put to film. Very violent. And not in a check-it-out-cool way, but an eww-gross-did-we-need-to-see-that way.
5. Everyone's attacking Robert Rodriguez's film "Planet Terror" and praising Tarantino's film "Death Proof." Truth is, they're pretty equal in terms of what works and what doesn't. They both have lots of fun with the drive-in-style exploitation films they're mimicking, but they're both way too long and self-indulgent. You get the feeling that in making this film Rodriquez and Tarantino were mostly interested in amusing one another - whether or not audiences like it is sort of beside the point.
6. Bottom line: they're not nearly as clever and brilliant as they seem to think they are.
7. Before the film, one of the genuine coming attraction trailers was for Rob Zombie's needless remake of Halloween. It was a skeezy, loud, nasty little trailer... and almost completely indistisguishable from the "fake" trailers that ran in Grindhouse.
8. You know who else is really good in this? Josh Brolin. Seriously.
9. There's no need for this to run over three hours. No need at all.
10. Edgar Wright's fake trailer for a British horror film called Don't is genius.
11. The last 15 minutes or so of "Death Proof" are pretty exciting, especially that final freeze frame.
12. The first 15 minutes or so of "Death Proof" are incredibly boring.
4.04.2007
"Don't you forget about me... Don't, don't, don't, don't..."
Here's a clever analysis of the John Hughes films, surely the most impactful 1980s pop culture force for Generation X that doesn't involve R2D2 or MTV.
3.23.2007
The Best and Worst Films of 2006
1. Children of Men - Criminally and inexplicably overlooked by the year-end award shows. A powerful, tour de force story of a sexually-sterile future world plagued by terrorism and totalitarianism (two sides of the same coin) that’s all too easily imaginable. Clive Owen’s strong as a reluctant hero dragged into an underground rebellion and asked to smuggle the world’s only pregnant woman. But it’s the filmmaking razzle-dazzle (courtesy director Alfonso Cuaron and cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki) that grabs your attention, particularly two incredible long-take fight sequences that drops you in the middle of the action in ways guaranteed to make your palms sweat.
2. Pan’s Labyrinth – It’s easy to dismiss this as an esoteric fantasy, one of those weirdo foreign films that appeal only to film snobs. Don’t make that mistake. It’s easily the best-written film of 2006, writer-director Guillermo del Toro cleverly and lyrically interweaving a complex, dangerous fantasy quest (or is it real?) of a young girl with the bloody, oppressive reality of her life with her ruthless Franco fascist stepfather. The political metaphors and fairy tale symbolism are piled on, giving the film a vividly literary – practically mythic – sensibility.
3. Casino Royale – We’ve already rendered a verdict on this one. The best James Bond film in 40 years thanks to a grittier, more down-and-dirty approach to the character and the world of espionage. Here, a clenched fist gets you farther than some expensive gadget and you’re always one wrong step (or drugged drink) away from certain death. Daniel Craig is the perfect Bond, steely and dangerous in a way none of the others have been, including – dare we say it – Sean Connery. Rebooting the series and going back to 007’s origins, which includes a look at the doomed romance that paves the way for Bond’s hard heart, was a stroke of genius.
4. Borat – Don’t let anyone suggest this film is anything less than a masterpiece of satire. Yes, it’s packed full of fearlessly crude and outrageous moments (perhaps you’ve heard about the nude male wrestling) that leave you cringing even as you laugh out loud. But the real power of the film is that it's a hidden-camera social experiment – “Punk’d” with a PhD. Sasha Baron Cohen’s Borat character is a racist, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, homophobic, horny moron (surely a reflection of America’s raging xenophobia), but he’s so slyly sweet about it that his on-camera American citizen “co-stars” put up with for him far longer than they should. And it’s his search for the line of decency – that crass moment when Borat’s co-stars finally put their foot down (or should but don’t) – that makes the film so fascinating.
5. The Prestige – Writer-director Christopher Nolan has a thing for nonlinear narrative puzzles. He first strutted his backwards stuff with Memento and then with last year’s Batman Begins. The story here of two dueling illusionists (goody-goody Hugh Jackman and brooding Christian Bale) desperate to one-up the other by any means necessary is likewise told out of order. But because Nolan has immense respect for the audience, there’s no hand holding. You have to put the pieces together yourself, which is well worth the effort. As you slowly make the connections and realize the truths, everything builds to a final series of money shots that is as audacious and astonishing as anything you’ve seen. Seriously satisfying.
6. Little Miss Sunshine – The little, yellow, clutch-less bus that could. A perfect blend of gold-star acting, writing (Michael Arndt), and directing (Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris). What could have been a throwaway festival film about a crazy dysfunctional family’s crazy dysfunctional road trip winds up instead the Oscar-nominated, feel-good film of the year thanks to the sheer force of its effortless charm. It knows when to push the quirkiness and when to pull back, when to go for the sarcasm and when to go for emotion. Best of all is the hilarious and heartwarming ending – when we finally see little Olive on stage seeking the Little Miss Sunshine crown – which brings down the house.
7. United 93 – It’s probably not as harrowing or as tough as you may have heard, but it’s certainly a wrenching experience. Director Paul Greengrass creates a vivid “you are there” urgency and realism to this story of September 11, focusing on two stories: on the ground we have the bureaucratic confusion and decision-making vapor-lock in the military and FAA; in the air we see the goings-on in the cabin of United 93, the last plane to crash that morning following a hostage mutiny. The handheld camera, the no-name actors, the overlapping dialogue. It all feels very real, reopening old sorrow and outrage. Powerful and important, if not exactly “entertaining” in the usual sense of the word.
8. V for Vendetta – Another gripping, dark parable for these uncertain times. In a daring twist, however, this film – dynamic and eye-popping just as we’d expect from the director, Wachowski Brothers protégé James McTeigue (the Brothers wrote the script) – actually urges us to root for the terrorist to succeed. It’s a curious experience and an unsettling reminder that one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. It’s a variation (as is Children of Men) on George Orwell’s dystopian 1984, a bleak world of martial law and paranoia in which blindly following sheep (here, civilian Natalie Portman and cop Stephen Rea) slowly wake up to the evil lies of the government. Good stuff.
9. The Departed – Did director Martin Scorsese deserve an Oscar for this? Probably not. It’s not as operatic and scary as GoodFellas. This is much more of a shoot-em-up cops-and-robbers thriller. But it’s a very good one thanks to the high-concept premise of two moles (one in the police, one in the mob) trying to ferret one another out. The cast is outstanding, particularly Mark Wahlberg and Leonardo DiCaprio. Wahlberg gets all the good lines (and the best exit) while DiCaprio finally shakes loose that whiny man-boy thing he’s been hamstrung by for so long. The shocking ending is worth discussion if only because it almost derails everything. It’s not what happens so much as how it happens – one can imagine Scorsese rubbing his hands together in geeky anticipation of sucker-punching the audience. Some people love the ending. Maybe you will. But it’s a big reason why this film fell so far in this list.
10. (tie) The Devil Wears Prada and Apocalypto – For every polished popcorn audience pleaser like The Devil Wears Prada, there’s an equally twisted and misunderstood lump of coal like Apocalypto. These two films are the yin and yang of 2006, the witty, sophisticated Ambitious-Girl-Seduced-by-Fame urban comedy and the violent, primeval extremely-period Hero-Must-Save-His-Family action film. Both are worth a look. In Prada, we get not only Meryl Streep vamping it up in a deliciously acid role as a fashion mag editor but also the emergence of a possible successor to the Julia Roberts/Reese Witherspoon throne in bright-eyed Anne Hathaway. This is a writer’s film (thank you, Aline Brosh McKenna and the many script doctors) – the juice comes from the dialogue. Apocalypto, however, is very much a director’s film. It’s visual storytelling at its very best. Say what you will about Mel Gibson’s loony-tunes personality and outlook on life, the guy can direct the hell out of a movie. Yes, this film continues his strange obsession with dead languages and humanity’s cruelty. But it’s a rousing, if needlessly gruesome, ride.
Honorable Mention: 16 Blocks, Cars, Dreamgirls, An Inconvenient Truth, Inside Man, Invincible, The Lake House, Little Children, The Queen, Rocky Balboa, Stranger than Fiction, Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, X-Men: The Last Stand.
Click – The problem with this movie was the misleading ad campaign, so maybe the real blame rests with the studio marketing executives. Audiences were promised a typically screwball Adam Sandler comedy about a guy who can control his life with a remote control. That’s high-concept comedy gold. The movie starts out that way, sure, but then it get deeply dark (and deeply weird) as the Sandler character fast-forwards through his entire life and winds up all alone... in a sci-fi future... in old age makeup. No way this gets made if it’s anyone but Sandler.
The Da Vinci Code – Now you know what they mean when they say “That novel’s unfilmable.” The Dan Brown book was poorly written (surely he’s the most successful hack of our generation), but at least the guy did his research. The bare-bones plot was padded out with plenty of fascinating history lessons and arcane trivia, more textbook than novel. But put that on a movie screen and you’re stuck with two hours of endless, blathering exposition. Never has Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, and Ian McKellen been so utterly boring. Unwatchable.
Flags of Our Fathers – It’s hard to believe Clint Eastwood directed this. It’s that muddled and unsatisfying. There’s the confusing, disjointed battle scenes that never come close to replicating the horror of a Saving Private Ryan (or even a Children of Men); the cardboard performances of C-level actors like Jessie Bradford and Ryan Phillipe; the unexpectedly leaden script that keeps hammering home its Big Ideas about Heroism; and last, but not least, the excruciatingly long running time.
Freedomland – This is one humorless, depressing movie. The whole thing was shot in grays and browns. Julianne Moore, all tears and whines, is supremely annoying. And the movie puffs itself up with delusions of grandeur, believing this ham-handed story of a race riot (caused by a Susan Smith-style fake kidnapping in a fictionalization that feels very “Law & Order”) has Important Things to Say. As if. Consider yourself warned.
Superman Returns – We’ve already covered this film’s sins in a previous post. No need to rehash it. More than likely a casualty of a studio system that locks in a release date and then forces the filmmakers to work backward from there, whether there’s enough time to make a quality product or not.
2. Pan’s Labyrinth – It’s easy to dismiss this as an esoteric fantasy, one of those weirdo foreign films that appeal only to film snobs. Don’t make that mistake. It’s easily the best-written film of 2006, writer-director Guillermo del Toro cleverly and lyrically interweaving a complex, dangerous fantasy quest (or is it real?) of a young girl with the bloody, oppressive reality of her life with her ruthless Franco fascist stepfather. The political metaphors and fairy tale symbolism are piled on, giving the film a vividly literary – practically mythic – sensibility.
3. Casino Royale – We’ve already rendered a verdict on this one. The best James Bond film in 40 years thanks to a grittier, more down-and-dirty approach to the character and the world of espionage. Here, a clenched fist gets you farther than some expensive gadget and you’re always one wrong step (or drugged drink) away from certain death. Daniel Craig is the perfect Bond, steely and dangerous in a way none of the others have been, including – dare we say it – Sean Connery. Rebooting the series and going back to 007’s origins, which includes a look at the doomed romance that paves the way for Bond’s hard heart, was a stroke of genius.
4. Borat – Don’t let anyone suggest this film is anything less than a masterpiece of satire. Yes, it’s packed full of fearlessly crude and outrageous moments (perhaps you’ve heard about the nude male wrestling) that leave you cringing even as you laugh out loud. But the real power of the film is that it's a hidden-camera social experiment – “Punk’d” with a PhD. Sasha Baron Cohen’s Borat character is a racist, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, homophobic, horny moron (surely a reflection of America’s raging xenophobia), but he’s so slyly sweet about it that his on-camera American citizen “co-stars” put up with for him far longer than they should. And it’s his search for the line of decency – that crass moment when Borat’s co-stars finally put their foot down (or should but don’t) – that makes the film so fascinating.
5. The Prestige – Writer-director Christopher Nolan has a thing for nonlinear narrative puzzles. He first strutted his backwards stuff with Memento and then with last year’s Batman Begins. The story here of two dueling illusionists (goody-goody Hugh Jackman and brooding Christian Bale) desperate to one-up the other by any means necessary is likewise told out of order. But because Nolan has immense respect for the audience, there’s no hand holding. You have to put the pieces together yourself, which is well worth the effort. As you slowly make the connections and realize the truths, everything builds to a final series of money shots that is as audacious and astonishing as anything you’ve seen. Seriously satisfying.
6. Little Miss Sunshine – The little, yellow, clutch-less bus that could. A perfect blend of gold-star acting, writing (Michael Arndt), and directing (Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris). What could have been a throwaway festival film about a crazy dysfunctional family’s crazy dysfunctional road trip winds up instead the Oscar-nominated, feel-good film of the year thanks to the sheer force of its effortless charm. It knows when to push the quirkiness and when to pull back, when to go for the sarcasm and when to go for emotion. Best of all is the hilarious and heartwarming ending – when we finally see little Olive on stage seeking the Little Miss Sunshine crown – which brings down the house.
7. United 93 – It’s probably not as harrowing or as tough as you may have heard, but it’s certainly a wrenching experience. Director Paul Greengrass creates a vivid “you are there” urgency and realism to this story of September 11, focusing on two stories: on the ground we have the bureaucratic confusion and decision-making vapor-lock in the military and FAA; in the air we see the goings-on in the cabin of United 93, the last plane to crash that morning following a hostage mutiny. The handheld camera, the no-name actors, the overlapping dialogue. It all feels very real, reopening old sorrow and outrage. Powerful and important, if not exactly “entertaining” in the usual sense of the word.
8. V for Vendetta – Another gripping, dark parable for these uncertain times. In a daring twist, however, this film – dynamic and eye-popping just as we’d expect from the director, Wachowski Brothers protégé James McTeigue (the Brothers wrote the script) – actually urges us to root for the terrorist to succeed. It’s a curious experience and an unsettling reminder that one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. It’s a variation (as is Children of Men) on George Orwell’s dystopian 1984, a bleak world of martial law and paranoia in which blindly following sheep (here, civilian Natalie Portman and cop Stephen Rea) slowly wake up to the evil lies of the government. Good stuff.
9. The Departed – Did director Martin Scorsese deserve an Oscar for this? Probably not. It’s not as operatic and scary as GoodFellas. This is much more of a shoot-em-up cops-and-robbers thriller. But it’s a very good one thanks to the high-concept premise of two moles (one in the police, one in the mob) trying to ferret one another out. The cast is outstanding, particularly Mark Wahlberg and Leonardo DiCaprio. Wahlberg gets all the good lines (and the best exit) while DiCaprio finally shakes loose that whiny man-boy thing he’s been hamstrung by for so long. The shocking ending is worth discussion if only because it almost derails everything. It’s not what happens so much as how it happens – one can imagine Scorsese rubbing his hands together in geeky anticipation of sucker-punching the audience. Some people love the ending. Maybe you will. But it’s a big reason why this film fell so far in this list.
10. (tie) The Devil Wears Prada and Apocalypto – For every polished popcorn audience pleaser like The Devil Wears Prada, there’s an equally twisted and misunderstood lump of coal like Apocalypto. These two films are the yin and yang of 2006, the witty, sophisticated Ambitious-Girl-Seduced-by-Fame urban comedy and the violent, primeval extremely-period Hero-Must-Save-His-Family action film. Both are worth a look. In Prada, we get not only Meryl Streep vamping it up in a deliciously acid role as a fashion mag editor but also the emergence of a possible successor to the Julia Roberts/Reese Witherspoon throne in bright-eyed Anne Hathaway. This is a writer’s film (thank you, Aline Brosh McKenna and the many script doctors) – the juice comes from the dialogue. Apocalypto, however, is very much a director’s film. It’s visual storytelling at its very best. Say what you will about Mel Gibson’s loony-tunes personality and outlook on life, the guy can direct the hell out of a movie. Yes, this film continues his strange obsession with dead languages and humanity’s cruelty. But it’s a rousing, if needlessly gruesome, ride.
Honorable Mention: 16 Blocks, Cars, Dreamgirls, An Inconvenient Truth, Inside Man, Invincible, The Lake House, Little Children, The Queen, Rocky Balboa, Stranger than Fiction, Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, X-Men: The Last Stand.
Click – The problem with this movie was the misleading ad campaign, so maybe the real blame rests with the studio marketing executives. Audiences were promised a typically screwball Adam Sandler comedy about a guy who can control his life with a remote control. That’s high-concept comedy gold. The movie starts out that way, sure, but then it get deeply dark (and deeply weird) as the Sandler character fast-forwards through his entire life and winds up all alone... in a sci-fi future... in old age makeup. No way this gets made if it’s anyone but Sandler.
The Da Vinci Code – Now you know what they mean when they say “That novel’s unfilmable.” The Dan Brown book was poorly written (surely he’s the most successful hack of our generation), but at least the guy did his research. The bare-bones plot was padded out with plenty of fascinating history lessons and arcane trivia, more textbook than novel. But put that on a movie screen and you’re stuck with two hours of endless, blathering exposition. Never has Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, and Ian McKellen been so utterly boring. Unwatchable.
Flags of Our Fathers – It’s hard to believe Clint Eastwood directed this. It’s that muddled and unsatisfying. There’s the confusing, disjointed battle scenes that never come close to replicating the horror of a Saving Private Ryan (or even a Children of Men); the cardboard performances of C-level actors like Jessie Bradford and Ryan Phillipe; the unexpectedly leaden script that keeps hammering home its Big Ideas about Heroism; and last, but not least, the excruciatingly long running time.
Freedomland – This is one humorless, depressing movie. The whole thing was shot in grays and browns. Julianne Moore, all tears and whines, is supremely annoying. And the movie puffs itself up with delusions of grandeur, believing this ham-handed story of a race riot (caused by a Susan Smith-style fake kidnapping in a fictionalization that feels very “Law & Order”) has Important Things to Say. As if. Consider yourself warned.
Superman Returns – We’ve already covered this film’s sins in a previous post. No need to rehash it. More than likely a casualty of a studio system that locks in a release date and then forces the filmmakers to work backward from there, whether there’s enough time to make a quality product or not.
3.22.2007
Don't cry for me, Sanjaya.
If you're a regular viewer of the Idol (obsessives drop the American and add a "the"), you witnessed this week the curious scene of a hysterical, sobbing tweener girl acting like she was at The Ed Sullivan Show circa 1963. Even more curious is that she seemed all atwitter over the incredibly untalented contestant Sanjaya. Who was this girl? Surely she wasn't for real. Well, it wasn't exactly a plant, but it wasn't exactly spontaneous, either.
3.21.2007
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
Like poor Winona Ryder in Reality Bites, we find "irony" to be an elusive term. You probably think you know it when you see it. But how do you spot it?
Last month John Winokur wrote a column for the Los Angeles Times:
When it was revealed in 2003 that William J. Bennett, author of "The Book of Virtues," had a secret gambling habit, more than one commentator termed it a delicious irony, and it was indeed a pleasure to see a sanctimonious scold get his comeuppance. But it wasn't irony, just hypocrisy.
It was ironic when, on "The Daily Show," Jon Stewart commended Bennett for his indignation, and for "standing up to the William Bennetts of the world."
Here's another example of irony: the 1959 episode of "The Twilight Zone" titled "Time Enough at Last," in which Burgess Meredith plays Henry Bemis, a bookish bank teller with thick glasses and an insatiable appetite for reading. One day, knocked unconscious by a giant explosion, he awakens to find that he's the last man on Earth.
Wandering the desolate city, overwhelmed with loneliness, he is about to kill himself when he notices the ruins of … a library! Cut to: stacks of books piled high on the library's steps and Henry, giddy with joy. But as he settles down on the curb with the first book, his glasses fall off and shatter on the ground, trapping him forever in a blurry world.
Now that's irony.
Irony is one of the most misused words in the English language. Much of the confusion comes from the existence of several distinct forms of irony. Verbal irony is the act of saying one thing but meaning the opposite with the intent of being understood as meaning the opposite, as in, "Nice weather we're having" on a rainy day.
Cosmic irony involves quirks of fate, as when a UPS driver on his way to deliver parts to a hospital has a serious accident, is taken to the same hospital by ambulance, but the hospital can't perform necessary tests because one of its machines is down and the parts to fix it are in the driver's wrecked van.
Socratic irony is a strategy for refuting dogma. In the Platonic dialogues, Socrates assumes the role of the eiron, a sly dissembler who feigns naivete by asking seemingly foolish questions that gradually hang his opponents by their own admissions. A modern practitioner is Sacha Baron Cohen, whose characters Borat and Ali G expose pomposity by pretending to be stupid.
Irony is about the interplay of opposites, not the random proximity of events. It's ironic that Beethoven was deaf, but merely coincidental that Brad Pitt tore his Achilles tendon while playing Achilles in Troy. People miss the distinction and say "ironic" when they mean "coincidental," an abuse encouraged by Alanis Morissette's 1996 hit single, "Ironic," in which situations purporting to be ironic are merely annoying ("a traffic jam when you're already late, a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break").
It is ironic that "Ironic" is an un-ironic song about irony. Is that perfectly clear?
In case you're confused, here are some more examples of irony:
• Brewing heir Adolph Coors III was allergic to beer.
• County supervisors in Pima County, Ariz., held a closed meeting to discuss Arizona's open meeting law.
• U.S. Border Patrol uniforms are manufactured in Mexico.
• When the Berlin Wall came down in 1989, so many visitors were taking souvenir pieces that a protective fence was installed, so that, yes, the Berlin Wall was guarded by a wall.
• Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe's 2005 state of the nation address, in which he promised to remedy his country's chronic electricity shortages, was blacked out by a power failure.
• A 17-year-old Amish boy was electrocuted by a downed power line that became tangled in the wheels of his horse-drawn buggy.
• The "Marlboro Man" died of lung cancer.
• A 2001 Father's Day tribute on ESPN featured "How Sweet It Is (to be Loved by You)," sung by Marvin Gaye, who was shot and killed by his father in 1984.
• Entries for the Florida Press Club's 2005 Excellence in Journalism Award for hurricane coverage were lost in Hurricane Katrina.
Last month John Winokur wrote a column for the Los Angeles Times:
When it was revealed in 2003 that William J. Bennett, author of "The Book of Virtues," had a secret gambling habit, more than one commentator termed it a delicious irony, and it was indeed a pleasure to see a sanctimonious scold get his comeuppance. But it wasn't irony, just hypocrisy.
It was ironic when, on "The Daily Show," Jon Stewart commended Bennett for his indignation, and for "standing up to the William Bennetts of the world."
Here's another example of irony: the 1959 episode of "The Twilight Zone" titled "Time Enough at Last," in which Burgess Meredith plays Henry Bemis, a bookish bank teller with thick glasses and an insatiable appetite for reading. One day, knocked unconscious by a giant explosion, he awakens to find that he's the last man on Earth.
Wandering the desolate city, overwhelmed with loneliness, he is about to kill himself when he notices the ruins of … a library! Cut to: stacks of books piled high on the library's steps and Henry, giddy with joy. But as he settles down on the curb with the first book, his glasses fall off and shatter on the ground, trapping him forever in a blurry world.
Now that's irony.
Irony is one of the most misused words in the English language. Much of the confusion comes from the existence of several distinct forms of irony. Verbal irony is the act of saying one thing but meaning the opposite with the intent of being understood as meaning the opposite, as in, "Nice weather we're having" on a rainy day.
Cosmic irony involves quirks of fate, as when a UPS driver on his way to deliver parts to a hospital has a serious accident, is taken to the same hospital by ambulance, but the hospital can't perform necessary tests because one of its machines is down and the parts to fix it are in the driver's wrecked van.
Socratic irony is a strategy for refuting dogma. In the Platonic dialogues, Socrates assumes the role of the eiron, a sly dissembler who feigns naivete by asking seemingly foolish questions that gradually hang his opponents by their own admissions. A modern practitioner is Sacha Baron Cohen, whose characters Borat and Ali G expose pomposity by pretending to be stupid.
Irony is about the interplay of opposites, not the random proximity of events. It's ironic that Beethoven was deaf, but merely coincidental that Brad Pitt tore his Achilles tendon while playing Achilles in Troy. People miss the distinction and say "ironic" when they mean "coincidental," an abuse encouraged by Alanis Morissette's 1996 hit single, "Ironic," in which situations purporting to be ironic are merely annoying ("a traffic jam when you're already late, a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break").
It is ironic that "Ironic" is an un-ironic song about irony. Is that perfectly clear?
In case you're confused, here are some more examples of irony:
• Brewing heir Adolph Coors III was allergic to beer.
• County supervisors in Pima County, Ariz., held a closed meeting to discuss Arizona's open meeting law.
• U.S. Border Patrol uniforms are manufactured in Mexico.
• When the Berlin Wall came down in 1989, so many visitors were taking souvenir pieces that a protective fence was installed, so that, yes, the Berlin Wall was guarded by a wall.
• Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe's 2005 state of the nation address, in which he promised to remedy his country's chronic electricity shortages, was blacked out by a power failure.
• A 17-year-old Amish boy was electrocuted by a downed power line that became tangled in the wheels of his horse-drawn buggy.
• The "Marlboro Man" died of lung cancer.
• A 2001 Father's Day tribute on ESPN featured "How Sweet It Is (to be Loved by You)," sung by Marvin Gaye, who was shot and killed by his father in 1984.
• Entries for the Florida Press Club's 2005 Excellence in Journalism Award for hurricane coverage were lost in Hurricane Katrina.
Geico cavemen are people, too
Slate's Seth Stevenson takes a look at the genius of the Geico Insurance cavemen ads, which may be turned into a television sitcom this fall. The therapist-speakerphone spot is good, as is the balcony party spot ("Tina's here - we're getting back together"), but the best is surely the moving-airport-sidewalk spot.
2.07.2007
W. vs. S.M.U.
Slate's David Greenberg takes a closer look at the controversy surrounding SMU's bid to host George W's presidential library. Is the moral price too high?
UPS pitchman unmasked
You've probably seen the ads. A scruffily charming guy with the swept back mop of hair standing at a whiteboard making squeaky drawings to illustrate the power of UPS shipping. Who is that guy? Adweek has the answer. Sometimes it's the quiet, simple ads that work best.
UPDATE: More analysis has been provided by Slate's Seth Stevenson. Maybe Andy Azula should have a fan club.
UPDATE: More analysis has been provided by Slate's Seth Stevenson. Maybe Andy Azula should have a fan club.
1.29.2007
Analyzing "State of the Union" addresses
An interesting website that examines in exhaustive detail - and with an ingenious graphic interface - every presidential "State of the Union" address since George Washington. At a glance, you can see (and compare) the word counts, the most frequently used words, and the relative grade-level of the language.
Hollywoodus celebritanius (Top 12 famous-person sightings to date)
For purposes of this survey, the Cheese Fry will only count sightings in a celebrity's natural everyday habitat (i.e. film festivals, screenings, red carpets, and backlot/production company appearances do not count).
1. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore at the Starbucks counter in Barnes & Noble at The Grove. She’s talking to her kids, he’s just sort of standing there.
2. Then-L.A. Laker Shaquille O’Neal, sitting alone at the counter and having some hot tea at Jerry’s Famous Deli in Beverly Hills. He doesn't seem to want to be bothered by fans.
3. Jack Black, wearing a ratty hooded poncho at Koo Koo Roo on Wilshire. Suprisingly low key.
4. Steve Martin, sporting a helmet and locking his bike to a stop sign at the King’s Road Café on Beverly Blvd. Polite and quiet.
5. James Caan, holding sweaty court on several occasions with a group of macho bodybuilders at the Koo Koo Roo in Venice. Gregarious in a Sonny Corleone sort of way.
6. Oscar winner Helen Hunt, asking the ticket taker a question in the lobby of a movie theater in Van Nuys.
7. Fred Savage, playing flag football (and talking serious trash) in the Marina.
8. Martin Landau, stepping off an elevator at the Hollywood Arclight theater parking garage.
9. Mr. Bean Rowan Atkinson, sipping from a bottle of water waiting for a screening of Apocalypto to begin at the Hollywood Arclight. Usher: “Hello everyone!” Rowan: “'Allo.”
10. Greg Brady himself, Barry Williams, carrying a drink across the lobby of the Loews Santa Monica Hotel in a grungy long-sleeved T-shirt.
11. Nashville power couple Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood, getting seated at the Jerry’s Famous Deli in Westwood. They look like two pudgy suburban parents.
12. Kung Fu’s Keith Carradine, standing in the X-ray line at the LAX airport. Snatch the boarding pass from my hand.
1. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore at the Starbucks counter in Barnes & Noble at The Grove. She’s talking to her kids, he’s just sort of standing there.
2. Then-L.A. Laker Shaquille O’Neal, sitting alone at the counter and having some hot tea at Jerry’s Famous Deli in Beverly Hills. He doesn't seem to want to be bothered by fans.
3. Jack Black, wearing a ratty hooded poncho at Koo Koo Roo on Wilshire. Suprisingly low key.
4. Steve Martin, sporting a helmet and locking his bike to a stop sign at the King’s Road Café on Beverly Blvd. Polite and quiet.
5. James Caan, holding sweaty court on several occasions with a group of macho bodybuilders at the Koo Koo Roo in Venice. Gregarious in a Sonny Corleone sort of way.
6. Oscar winner Helen Hunt, asking the ticket taker a question in the lobby of a movie theater in Van Nuys.
7. Fred Savage, playing flag football (and talking serious trash) in the Marina.
8. Martin Landau, stepping off an elevator at the Hollywood Arclight theater parking garage.
9. Mr. Bean Rowan Atkinson, sipping from a bottle of water waiting for a screening of Apocalypto to begin at the Hollywood Arclight. Usher: “Hello everyone!” Rowan: “'Allo.”
10. Greg Brady himself, Barry Williams, carrying a drink across the lobby of the Loews Santa Monica Hotel in a grungy long-sleeved T-shirt.
11. Nashville power couple Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood, getting seated at the Jerry’s Famous Deli in Westwood. They look like two pudgy suburban parents.
12. Kung Fu’s Keith Carradine, standing in the X-ray line at the LAX airport. Snatch the boarding pass from my hand.
1.28.2007
Shaken, Not Stirred: Ranking the James Bond films
The Best
1. Goldfinger (1964) – The obvious choice. The quintessential Bond film balanced perfectly between edgy grit and wink-wink spectacle. The gadget-laden Aston Martin (Bond: “An ejector seat? You’re joking.” Q: “I never joke about my work, 007.”) points to the campy direction the series will ultimately take, but Oddjob is still perhaps the most scary and formidable Bond villain ever. The Fort Knox vault climax is sublime, as is Bond’s almost-death by laser beam. A pitch-perfect classic.
2. Casino Royale (2006) – A clever, thrilling reboot of the series exploring how Bond came to be 007. Despite silly outcries by fans that Daniel Craig was too short or too blonde, he’s quite simply the best Bond since Sean Connery, period. His Bond will kick your ass. Yes, the film’s too long by probably 30 minutes, but it’s that lengthy epilogue that’s so crucial to Bond’s evolution: a sudden turn in Bond’s romantic relationship with hottie Vesper Lynd hardens his heart and sets him on a path to become the ruthless agent we all know he will be.
3. For Your Eyes Only (1981) – The high point of the Roger Moore films. After the delicious, so-bad-it’s-almost-good absurdity of Moonraker (see #9), the producers wisely thought it best to strip Bond to the basics and send him on a bare-knuckles mission. With its revenge motif, there’s an undercurrent of anger here that gives the movie unexpected gravitas. Bonus points, of course, for the Sheena Easton theme song.
4. From Russia With Love (1963) – Like Dr. No (#8), this second Bond film is much more a traditional sort of cloak-and-dagger Cold War espionage thriller with Russian defectors and assassination plots. A series highlight is the claustrophobic fistfight between Bond and bad guy Robert Shaw on the Orient Express. The producers do what they do best, casting as a “Bond girl” an actress no one hears from again – in this case, luminous Italian actress Daniela Bianchi.
5. Live and Let Die (1973) – A curious artifact of the 1970s, influenced clearly by that era’s pop culture interest in “black power,” whether it’s the mean streets of Harlem or the supernatural jungles of African voodoo. With its small scope – it’s almost entirely set in the U.S. and involves organized crime bosses rather than Dr. Evil-style megalomaniacs – it’s an unusual Bond film. It’s also a mixed bag. For every inspired touch, whether it’s the Paul McCartney theme or tragic psychic Solitaire, there are missteps, such as the cheesy inclusion of a Southern-fried Louisiana sheriff.
The Very Good
6. You Only Live Twice (1967) – Respect is due the film that features the villain’s lair in a phony volcano staffed with hundreds of loyal - and faceless - henchmen, all ready and willing to lay down their life for reasons unknown. All hail the birth of the spy movie cliché. This kind of ridiculous comic-book exaggeration – the bad guy, Bond nemesis Blofeld, is hijacking manned space capsules… while they’re in orbit (yes, you read that right) – is what people think of when you say James Bond.
7. Die Another Day (2002) – You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they like this film, the last one to star Pierce Brosnan. It all seems to come down to Bond’s invisible car. Do they embrace that fanciful gadget or roll their eyes and crave more realism? Though the invisible car is a symbol of excess to many, this is Brosnan’s best Bond film thanks to a plausible (and fairly coherent) plot preying on very real tensions between North and South Korea. Having Halle Berry doesn’t hurt either.
8. Dr. No (1962) – The one that started it all. A fairly small and simple spy movie with some topical space-race sci-fi thrown in, looking at it one would never guess that a 40-year film franchise was being born. Bond here is a pretty dark guy – after questioning a bad guy and extracting useful information, Bond kills him in cold blood. Ouch. Even with the fun touches, like the slinky introduction of Honey Ryder (it’s tame now, but apparently in 1962 Ursula Andress’ little white bikini was a huge deal) or Dr. No’s metal hands, this film is really more of a historical artifact than anything else.
9. Moonraker (1979) – File this one under so-bad-it’s-genius. The producers are desperately trying to cash in on the Star Wars craze and the result is a train wreck. It’s hard to know where to begin, whether it’s turning the previous film’s feared villain (Jaws) into a sappy good guy, mounting a ridiculous outer space laser battle with armies of astronauts, or simply going for a cheap laugh at every possible opportunity. Villain Drax may be the most insanely ambitious villain ever – his plan is nothing short of global Armageddon so he can repopulate the earth with his master race. Textbook definition of guilty pleasure.
10. Thunderball (1965) – An important film in the Bond canon because of complicated story rights that allowed producer Kevin McClory to remake the film as Never Say Never Again in the 1980s with Sean Connery. Seen today, there’s a lot that is familiar in the movie, particularly the brilliantly simple stolen-nuke-for-ransom plotline, and the climactic underwater battle doesn’t age particularly well. But in 1965, this film was incredibly successful around the world – in fact, by some measures it was the most popular film ever released up to that time. If Goldfinger suggested Bond could be huge, Thunderball showed how huge.
11. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) – The Pierce Brosnan films typically suffer from plot impenetrability (which is why the next two entries on this list are both Brosnan titles – exciting and slick, but mostly forgettable). The storylines are complicated, the villain’s motives convoluted. This one’s no exception. All one can really say is that the villain’s a Rupert Murdoch billionaire who’s trying to sell more of his newspaper tabloids by causing global trouble. The film does benefit from some extra oomph in Michelle Yeoh’s casting as Chinese agent Wai Lin (the producers are again chasing pop culture trends, here bowing to the popularity of martial arts and Asian cinema).
The Just Okay
12. Goldeneye (1995) – This is Pierce Brosnan’s first outing as Bond and he surely felt a lot of pressure to revive a series that had laid dormant for six years. But his easy charm and suave edge is the perfect antidote to Timothy Dalton’s sourpuss take on the character. This is a lot of people’s favorite Brosnan film, but the plot (evil agent wants to destroy London out of revenge) is needlessly dense, as if the filmmakers think to make a good spy thriller one had to confuse the audience. Extra credit for Famke Janssen’s great villain with an ever greater name (Xenia Onatopp).
13. The World Is Not Enough (1999) – Now we’re at that mushy middle point in the list where very little separates the good from the so-so. Yes, Sophie Marceau’s character Elektra provides a nice double-cross and there are some groovy action scenes, but one must also endure the improbability of Denise Richards as a physicist named Christmas Jones. Points must also be deducted for offering up a villain – Renard – who feels no pain (think of the possibilities!) and then relegating him to second-fiddle status. He really should have been the main bad guy.
14. Octopussy (1983) – The last great Cold War-inspired Bond film set around the tensions of divided Germany. The stakes are high, the action urgent, and the plot (for the most part – the whole Faberge egg thing sure takes a long time to pan out) dense enough to be engaging rather than confusing. Strangely, the title character and her India-based circus is perhaps the film’s weakest element. But poor old Roger Moore’s really starting to show his age.
15. License to Kill (1989) – Poor Timothy Dalton. So misunderstood, so unloved. After the increasing silliness of the Roger Moore films, especially A View to a Kill (see #21), there was really only one direction to take the franchise: serious and dark. The Living Daylights (see #19) came first, but this Dalton film is the better one. It’s a surprisingly satisfying movie but one that never fully connected with audiences. Maybe it was the darkness of the story – Bond quits MI5 to kill a South American crime lord (another craven attempt to cash in, this time it’s pop culture interest in the Colombian cartels) to avenge the torture of a friend. Or maybe it’s that Dalton is so stone-faced. Either way, it’s one of the more underrated Bond films.
16. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) – A mediocre entry in the Roger Moore era that shamelessly copies the basic plot of #6 You Only Live Twice (bad guy steals superpowers’ goods hoping each will blame the other and launch World War III). It’s a derivative formula, energized here only by the unusual (and terribly underutilized) element of Barbara Bach’s character, a KGB agent forced to work with Bond, who recently killed her Soviet lover in the line of duty. Extra points for the “Nobody Does It Better” theme song and the white Lotus Esprit that turns into a frickin’ submarine.
The Forgettable
17. Diamonds Are Forever (1971) – This one gets low marks simply because Sean Connery looks so out of place, what with his hairpiece and all. The producers lured him back after the failed Lazenby Experiment (see #21) and he really just seems to be going through the motions. It’s the same old thing. Again, supervillain Blofeld’s plotting a worldwide disaster (he’s building a giant laser) for his own financial gain. There’s a bit of fun to be had in a Las Vegas subplot, but it’s mostly a tired and mechanical exercise.
18. The Man with the Golden Gun (1974) – File this one under so-bad-it’s-terrible. This is one weird film. Just about every element is out of whack, from the shrill and ludicrous theme song (whatever happened to Lulu?) to the casting of blank-eyed bimbo Britt Ekland as the bumbling Bond girl to using, with a completely stone face, a third nipple of all things as the distinguishing characteristic of the film villain. There’s something in here about solar energy (a timely nod to 1970s energy politics) but it’s really a strange story of how a famous underworld hitman wants to kill 007 out of professional pride. Oh yeah, and "Fantasy Island’s" Herve Villechaize is in it. Must be seen to be believed.
19. The Living Daylights (1987) – The first film in the post-Roger Moore era is a fairly joyless affair. Timothy Dalton’s relentless frown doesn’t help. The plot (more defections, assassinations, and political backstabbing) is complicated the point of being absolutely baroque, so determined are the filmmakers in crafting a “real” spy thriller. Even reading a plot synopsis just now for this post, the Cheese Fry was hard pressed to figure out what the hell the point is. Trivia item: upon release, much was made of Bond’s out-of-character monogamy in the film, clearly influenced by the era’s AIDS fears.
20. A View to a Kill (1985) – Silly and pointless. There’s a lot that feels just wrong here, whether it’s Christopher Walken doing his usual weirdo schtick as a white-haired villain with a Lex Luthor-style plot to create earthquakes in California, Grace Jones strutting her weirdo look as Walken’s androgynous henchperson (who seems to belong in another, stranger movie), or the big climax taking place atop the Golden Gate Bridge with some very shoddy rear projection. And then there’s the sight of wrinkly 58-year-old Roger Moore macking with a sleek 31-year-old Tanya Roberts. Yes, the Moore era had to end here. The Duran Duran theme song is a guilty pleasure, however. Ed. note: here again a Bond film plot is echoing pop culture, this time it’s the booming PC craze that seems to have influenced the film’s Silicon Valley storyline – maybe it’s needlessly mean-spirited to suggest the Bond producers chase pop culture to maximize audience interest; perhaps instead one should look at the twists and turns of the series as an inevitable reflection of the time from which it came. If so, then the Bond films might offer an interesting way to chart evolving cultural concerns, interests, and fears of the West. Hmmm.
21. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) – It’s a part of the Saltzman-Broccoli-Eon canon, but it really doesn’t feel like a Bond movie, does it? It’s not George Lazenby’s fault. If he’d been allowed to continue, the Cheese Fry might have fonder feelings for this film. But his one-shot performance unavoidably makes this film the bastard stepchild of the series. Which is too bad, because Bond’s relationship and marriage (and eventual tragic widowhood) with Diana Rigg’s Tracy DiVincenzo gives this film an emotional center only Casino Royale ever successfully developed.
1. Goldfinger (1964) – The obvious choice. The quintessential Bond film balanced perfectly between edgy grit and wink-wink spectacle. The gadget-laden Aston Martin (Bond: “An ejector seat? You’re joking.” Q: “I never joke about my work, 007.”) points to the campy direction the series will ultimately take, but Oddjob is still perhaps the most scary and formidable Bond villain ever. The Fort Knox vault climax is sublime, as is Bond’s almost-death by laser beam. A pitch-perfect classic.
2. Casino Royale (2006) – A clever, thrilling reboot of the series exploring how Bond came to be 007. Despite silly outcries by fans that Daniel Craig was too short or too blonde, he’s quite simply the best Bond since Sean Connery, period. His Bond will kick your ass. Yes, the film’s too long by probably 30 minutes, but it’s that lengthy epilogue that’s so crucial to Bond’s evolution: a sudden turn in Bond’s romantic relationship with hottie Vesper Lynd hardens his heart and sets him on a path to become the ruthless agent we all know he will be.
3. For Your Eyes Only (1981) – The high point of the Roger Moore films. After the delicious, so-bad-it’s-almost-good absurdity of Moonraker (see #9), the producers wisely thought it best to strip Bond to the basics and send him on a bare-knuckles mission. With its revenge motif, there’s an undercurrent of anger here that gives the movie unexpected gravitas. Bonus points, of course, for the Sheena Easton theme song.
4. From Russia With Love (1963) – Like Dr. No (#8), this second Bond film is much more a traditional sort of cloak-and-dagger Cold War espionage thriller with Russian defectors and assassination plots. A series highlight is the claustrophobic fistfight between Bond and bad guy Robert Shaw on the Orient Express. The producers do what they do best, casting as a “Bond girl” an actress no one hears from again – in this case, luminous Italian actress Daniela Bianchi.
5. Live and Let Die (1973) – A curious artifact of the 1970s, influenced clearly by that era’s pop culture interest in “black power,” whether it’s the mean streets of Harlem or the supernatural jungles of African voodoo. With its small scope – it’s almost entirely set in the U.S. and involves organized crime bosses rather than Dr. Evil-style megalomaniacs – it’s an unusual Bond film. It’s also a mixed bag. For every inspired touch, whether it’s the Paul McCartney theme or tragic psychic Solitaire, there are missteps, such as the cheesy inclusion of a Southern-fried Louisiana sheriff.
The Very Good
6. You Only Live Twice (1967) – Respect is due the film that features the villain’s lair in a phony volcano staffed with hundreds of loyal - and faceless - henchmen, all ready and willing to lay down their life for reasons unknown. All hail the birth of the spy movie cliché. This kind of ridiculous comic-book exaggeration – the bad guy, Bond nemesis Blofeld, is hijacking manned space capsules… while they’re in orbit (yes, you read that right) – is what people think of when you say James Bond.
7. Die Another Day (2002) – You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they like this film, the last one to star Pierce Brosnan. It all seems to come down to Bond’s invisible car. Do they embrace that fanciful gadget or roll their eyes and crave more realism? Though the invisible car is a symbol of excess to many, this is Brosnan’s best Bond film thanks to a plausible (and fairly coherent) plot preying on very real tensions between North and South Korea. Having Halle Berry doesn’t hurt either.
8. Dr. No (1962) – The one that started it all. A fairly small and simple spy movie with some topical space-race sci-fi thrown in, looking at it one would never guess that a 40-year film franchise was being born. Bond here is a pretty dark guy – after questioning a bad guy and extracting useful information, Bond kills him in cold blood. Ouch. Even with the fun touches, like the slinky introduction of Honey Ryder (it’s tame now, but apparently in 1962 Ursula Andress’ little white bikini was a huge deal) or Dr. No’s metal hands, this film is really more of a historical artifact than anything else.
9. Moonraker (1979) – File this one under so-bad-it’s-genius. The producers are desperately trying to cash in on the Star Wars craze and the result is a train wreck. It’s hard to know where to begin, whether it’s turning the previous film’s feared villain (Jaws) into a sappy good guy, mounting a ridiculous outer space laser battle with armies of astronauts, or simply going for a cheap laugh at every possible opportunity. Villain Drax may be the most insanely ambitious villain ever – his plan is nothing short of global Armageddon so he can repopulate the earth with his master race. Textbook definition of guilty pleasure.
10. Thunderball (1965) – An important film in the Bond canon because of complicated story rights that allowed producer Kevin McClory to remake the film as Never Say Never Again in the 1980s with Sean Connery. Seen today, there’s a lot that is familiar in the movie, particularly the brilliantly simple stolen-nuke-for-ransom plotline, and the climactic underwater battle doesn’t age particularly well. But in 1965, this film was incredibly successful around the world – in fact, by some measures it was the most popular film ever released up to that time. If Goldfinger suggested Bond could be huge, Thunderball showed how huge.
11. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) – The Pierce Brosnan films typically suffer from plot impenetrability (which is why the next two entries on this list are both Brosnan titles – exciting and slick, but mostly forgettable). The storylines are complicated, the villain’s motives convoluted. This one’s no exception. All one can really say is that the villain’s a Rupert Murdoch billionaire who’s trying to sell more of his newspaper tabloids by causing global trouble. The film does benefit from some extra oomph in Michelle Yeoh’s casting as Chinese agent Wai Lin (the producers are again chasing pop culture trends, here bowing to the popularity of martial arts and Asian cinema).
The Just Okay
12. Goldeneye (1995) – This is Pierce Brosnan’s first outing as Bond and he surely felt a lot of pressure to revive a series that had laid dormant for six years. But his easy charm and suave edge is the perfect antidote to Timothy Dalton’s sourpuss take on the character. This is a lot of people’s favorite Brosnan film, but the plot (evil agent wants to destroy London out of revenge) is needlessly dense, as if the filmmakers think to make a good spy thriller one had to confuse the audience. Extra credit for Famke Janssen’s great villain with an ever greater name (Xenia Onatopp).
13. The World Is Not Enough (1999) – Now we’re at that mushy middle point in the list where very little separates the good from the so-so. Yes, Sophie Marceau’s character Elektra provides a nice double-cross and there are some groovy action scenes, but one must also endure the improbability of Denise Richards as a physicist named Christmas Jones. Points must also be deducted for offering up a villain – Renard – who feels no pain (think of the possibilities!) and then relegating him to second-fiddle status. He really should have been the main bad guy.
14. Octopussy (1983) – The last great Cold War-inspired Bond film set around the tensions of divided Germany. The stakes are high, the action urgent, and the plot (for the most part – the whole Faberge egg thing sure takes a long time to pan out) dense enough to be engaging rather than confusing. Strangely, the title character and her India-based circus is perhaps the film’s weakest element. But poor old Roger Moore’s really starting to show his age.
15. License to Kill (1989) – Poor Timothy Dalton. So misunderstood, so unloved. After the increasing silliness of the Roger Moore films, especially A View to a Kill (see #21), there was really only one direction to take the franchise: serious and dark. The Living Daylights (see #19) came first, but this Dalton film is the better one. It’s a surprisingly satisfying movie but one that never fully connected with audiences. Maybe it was the darkness of the story – Bond quits MI5 to kill a South American crime lord (another craven attempt to cash in, this time it’s pop culture interest in the Colombian cartels) to avenge the torture of a friend. Or maybe it’s that Dalton is so stone-faced. Either way, it’s one of the more underrated Bond films.
16. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) – A mediocre entry in the Roger Moore era that shamelessly copies the basic plot of #6 You Only Live Twice (bad guy steals superpowers’ goods hoping each will blame the other and launch World War III). It’s a derivative formula, energized here only by the unusual (and terribly underutilized) element of Barbara Bach’s character, a KGB agent forced to work with Bond, who recently killed her Soviet lover in the line of duty. Extra points for the “Nobody Does It Better” theme song and the white Lotus Esprit that turns into a frickin’ submarine.
The Forgettable
17. Diamonds Are Forever (1971) – This one gets low marks simply because Sean Connery looks so out of place, what with his hairpiece and all. The producers lured him back after the failed Lazenby Experiment (see #21) and he really just seems to be going through the motions. It’s the same old thing. Again, supervillain Blofeld’s plotting a worldwide disaster (he’s building a giant laser) for his own financial gain. There’s a bit of fun to be had in a Las Vegas subplot, but it’s mostly a tired and mechanical exercise.
18. The Man with the Golden Gun (1974) – File this one under so-bad-it’s-terrible. This is one weird film. Just about every element is out of whack, from the shrill and ludicrous theme song (whatever happened to Lulu?) to the casting of blank-eyed bimbo Britt Ekland as the bumbling Bond girl to using, with a completely stone face, a third nipple of all things as the distinguishing characteristic of the film villain. There’s something in here about solar energy (a timely nod to 1970s energy politics) but it’s really a strange story of how a famous underworld hitman wants to kill 007 out of professional pride. Oh yeah, and "Fantasy Island’s" Herve Villechaize is in it. Must be seen to be believed.
19. The Living Daylights (1987) – The first film in the post-Roger Moore era is a fairly joyless affair. Timothy Dalton’s relentless frown doesn’t help. The plot (more defections, assassinations, and political backstabbing) is complicated the point of being absolutely baroque, so determined are the filmmakers in crafting a “real” spy thriller. Even reading a plot synopsis just now for this post, the Cheese Fry was hard pressed to figure out what the hell the point is. Trivia item: upon release, much was made of Bond’s out-of-character monogamy in the film, clearly influenced by the era’s AIDS fears.
20. A View to a Kill (1985) – Silly and pointless. There’s a lot that feels just wrong here, whether it’s Christopher Walken doing his usual weirdo schtick as a white-haired villain with a Lex Luthor-style plot to create earthquakes in California, Grace Jones strutting her weirdo look as Walken’s androgynous henchperson (who seems to belong in another, stranger movie), or the big climax taking place atop the Golden Gate Bridge with some very shoddy rear projection. And then there’s the sight of wrinkly 58-year-old Roger Moore macking with a sleek 31-year-old Tanya Roberts. Yes, the Moore era had to end here. The Duran Duran theme song is a guilty pleasure, however. Ed. note: here again a Bond film plot is echoing pop culture, this time it’s the booming PC craze that seems to have influenced the film’s Silicon Valley storyline – maybe it’s needlessly mean-spirited to suggest the Bond producers chase pop culture to maximize audience interest; perhaps instead one should look at the twists and turns of the series as an inevitable reflection of the time from which it came. If so, then the Bond films might offer an interesting way to chart evolving cultural concerns, interests, and fears of the West. Hmmm.
21. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) – It’s a part of the Saltzman-Broccoli-Eon canon, but it really doesn’t feel like a Bond movie, does it? It’s not George Lazenby’s fault. If he’d been allowed to continue, the Cheese Fry might have fonder feelings for this film. But his one-shot performance unavoidably makes this film the bastard stepchild of the series. Which is too bad, because Bond’s relationship and marriage (and eventual tragic widowhood) with Diana Rigg’s Tracy DiVincenzo gives this film an emotional center only Casino Royale ever successfully developed.
1.15.2007
"Previously on Heroes..."
“Six Months Ago”
Cool: One of the more interesting moments in this flashback episode is getting a glimpse of Eden’s hedonistic life in which she does whatever she wants whenever she wants thanks to her Jedi Mind Trick skill. (Poor Matt suffers yet another indignity when she makes him go eat a box of donuts.) But then she meets HRG and his Haitian sidekick and for the first time, someone tells her no.
Huh?: The Niki/Jessica subplot continues to plumb new depths of tedium. Now we learn that Jessica is Niki’s dead sister, which suggest more of a strange Stephen-King-style supernatural possession element, rather than a genetic superpower mutation. At the very least, this Jessica personality would seem to be rather rationally explained as some kind of multiple personality disorder. Is she in the right show?
Best Line: “I wanted to be important.” – Gabriel Gray, who will soon dub himself Sylar and become a hero-killer. This one line sums up the show’s entire appeal in the way it cleverly taps into our daydreaming wonder – as we’re stuck in traffic, dealing with a broken photocopier at work, or scrounging for extra coins to buy fast food – about what it might be like to be truly extraordinary.
Rising: Matt, a sad-sack guy in desperate need of a break. His repeated failings of the detective test, it turns out, isn’t because he’s dim-witted. He’s lot dyslexia. Which makes one wonder if his mind-reading is a mutation designed to help compensate for an inherent limitation. Could the hero mutations be a kind of strange survival response (e.g. the first time Nathan flies is to escape a car accident)? Hmmm.
“Fallout”
Cool: Attention must be paid to the show’s appropriately moody music, with twangy Indian motifs surely designed to evoke Chandra and Mohinder Suresh.
Cooler: As Niki/Jessica’s found out, it can be hard to put a bullet into a shapeshifter like D.L. Darn things just pass right through. But the first bullet wounds D.L., which suggests he has to consciously decide to “liquefy” himself. It’s not a default setting. Yes, the Cheese Fry is a nerd.
Coolest: HRG, it seems, has a boss.
Best Lines: “I’ve died before. It’s no big deal.” – Claire, who has and it wasn’t.
Rising: Claire, who gains more audience sympathy in being so perfectly isolated by her dad’s efforts to put a lid on her secret. The Haitian’s wiped everyone’s memory of her healing ability, including Zack, who was presumably her one and only friend (a strange concept given her status as popular cheerleader, but we’ll let it go). A teenager’s worst nightmare: no one understands her.
Falling: Hiro, who’s getting a little too self consciously cute with his squishy teleporting face, wide-eyed gee-whiz innocence, and stereotypically clunky English (see last week’s exclamation of “Greato scott!”). It was charming at first, but it feels more and more like the writers – and actor Masi Oka – are in on the joke.
Cool: One of the more interesting moments in this flashback episode is getting a glimpse of Eden’s hedonistic life in which she does whatever she wants whenever she wants thanks to her Jedi Mind Trick skill. (Poor Matt suffers yet another indignity when she makes him go eat a box of donuts.) But then she meets HRG and his Haitian sidekick and for the first time, someone tells her no.
Huh?: The Niki/Jessica subplot continues to plumb new depths of tedium. Now we learn that Jessica is Niki’s dead sister, which suggest more of a strange Stephen-King-style supernatural possession element, rather than a genetic superpower mutation. At the very least, this Jessica personality would seem to be rather rationally explained as some kind of multiple personality disorder. Is she in the right show?
Best Line: “I wanted to be important.” – Gabriel Gray, who will soon dub himself Sylar and become a hero-killer. This one line sums up the show’s entire appeal in the way it cleverly taps into our daydreaming wonder – as we’re stuck in traffic, dealing with a broken photocopier at work, or scrounging for extra coins to buy fast food – about what it might be like to be truly extraordinary.
Rising: Matt, a sad-sack guy in desperate need of a break. His repeated failings of the detective test, it turns out, isn’t because he’s dim-witted. He’s lot dyslexia. Which makes one wonder if his mind-reading is a mutation designed to help compensate for an inherent limitation. Could the hero mutations be a kind of strange survival response (e.g. the first time Nathan flies is to escape a car accident)? Hmmm.
“Fallout”
Cool: Attention must be paid to the show’s appropriately moody music, with twangy Indian motifs surely designed to evoke Chandra and Mohinder Suresh.
Cooler: As Niki/Jessica’s found out, it can be hard to put a bullet into a shapeshifter like D.L. Darn things just pass right through. But the first bullet wounds D.L., which suggests he has to consciously decide to “liquefy” himself. It’s not a default setting. Yes, the Cheese Fry is a nerd.
Coolest: HRG, it seems, has a boss.
Best Lines: “I’ve died before. It’s no big deal.” – Claire, who has and it wasn’t.
Rising: Claire, who gains more audience sympathy in being so perfectly isolated by her dad’s efforts to put a lid on her secret. The Haitian’s wiped everyone’s memory of her healing ability, including Zack, who was presumably her one and only friend (a strange concept given her status as popular cheerleader, but we’ll let it go). A teenager’s worst nightmare: no one understands her.
Falling: Hiro, who’s getting a little too self consciously cute with his squishy teleporting face, wide-eyed gee-whiz innocence, and stereotypically clunky English (see last week’s exclamation of “Greato scott!”). It was charming at first, but it feels more and more like the writers – and actor Masi Oka – are in on the joke.
1.14.2007
Things you probably didn’t know about your local multiplex theater (c. 1989)
* Torn ticket stubs get saved. Each day’s stubs goes into a plastic bag. And there are a lot of little bags in one of the storerooms. Not sure why.
* It’s true – if you can befriend someone who works at a theater, they will be able to get you in for free. Easily.
* The oil used to make the popcorn is horrible for you. (A classic employee exchange: “That oil’s the second worst thing you could possibly put into your body.” “What’s the first?” “Poison.”) It comes in steel canisters and is the consistency of cold Crisco. You have to shove a giant heating rod into that goo to melt it down and liquefy it enough to pop corn in it. Mmm.
* You will get mercilessly mocked and ridiculed once you leave the concession stand counter, especially if commit one of these three sins:
1. Insist on getting the popcorn that’s coming out of the popper (even better, you want to wait for the next batch)
2. Complain about the prices, as if the minimum wage worker serving you has any control over that
3. Decide that the time to finally look at the selections and make a choice is now, standing at the register, rather than the previous 15 minutes when you were standing in line
* The “butter” is probably just butter-flavored oil. Yuck.
* The best time to theater-hop (buy one ticket, stay all day) is probably during the day when it’s slow. No one cares.
* Theater carpets have intricate patterns to hide popcorn crumbs.
* The big multiplexes have only one projectionist to handle multiple screens and projectors. And projectionists are often pretty weird people. One in particular often slept at the theater – one corner of the booth was set up with a cot and blanket. He was particularly weird.
* A lot of the people working in theaters aren’t to be trusted. They’re working long hours for very little pay. They’re desperate and unscrupulous. One disgusting (and ingeniously complicated) scam involved selling to customers drinks in paper cups pulled from the trash to steal candy. In other words, to get one of these knuckleheads a free box of Raisinettes, you’d be drinking your Mr. Pibb from a cup someone used earlier in the day.
* Cleaning the theaters is the worst job in the whole building. No one wants that job and it’s because people like you are so damn messy. What a bunch of pigs.
* The cheese sauce that goes with your nachos gets saved every night. It’s poured into a big plastic 5-gallon drum and stored in the refrigerator. And when you’re pouring that hot cheese sauce into the drum and the steam floats up into your face and fogs your glasses, it smells like vomit.
* The hot dogs get saved every night, too. They can sometimes become fossilized. If you want a hot dog, just go to a baseball game.
* This is the pecking order for employees. At the top are the managers and assistant managers, who usually wear dressy clothes (i.e. a cheap tie) rather than the polyester uniforms. The most skilled and trustworthy regular employees will work the box office where the highest volume of business happens. Below them, the next skillful and trustworthy people work the concession stand counters (and only the best of that group are assigned to run the cash registers). At the very bottom are the idiots, slackers, and new hires. These are the ushers who clean theaters, tear tickets, and float around doing odd jobs like bring you more ice during a big rush.
* Stories about finding used condoms in the theaters after a show, thankfully, seem to be apocryphal. But ushers do find wads of cash, sometimes a lot.
* For the last time, THX has nothing to do with the movie. It’s a quality-control system for the theater speakers and acoustics. Idiots.
* It’s true – if you can befriend someone who works at a theater, they will be able to get you in for free. Easily.
* The oil used to make the popcorn is horrible for you. (A classic employee exchange: “That oil’s the second worst thing you could possibly put into your body.” “What’s the first?” “Poison.”) It comes in steel canisters and is the consistency of cold Crisco. You have to shove a giant heating rod into that goo to melt it down and liquefy it enough to pop corn in it. Mmm.
* You will get mercilessly mocked and ridiculed once you leave the concession stand counter, especially if commit one of these three sins:
1. Insist on getting the popcorn that’s coming out of the popper (even better, you want to wait for the next batch)
2. Complain about the prices, as if the minimum wage worker serving you has any control over that
3. Decide that the time to finally look at the selections and make a choice is now, standing at the register, rather than the previous 15 minutes when you were standing in line
* The “butter” is probably just butter-flavored oil. Yuck.
* The best time to theater-hop (buy one ticket, stay all day) is probably during the day when it’s slow. No one cares.
* Theater carpets have intricate patterns to hide popcorn crumbs.
* The big multiplexes have only one projectionist to handle multiple screens and projectors. And projectionists are often pretty weird people. One in particular often slept at the theater – one corner of the booth was set up with a cot and blanket. He was particularly weird.
* A lot of the people working in theaters aren’t to be trusted. They’re working long hours for very little pay. They’re desperate and unscrupulous. One disgusting (and ingeniously complicated) scam involved selling to customers drinks in paper cups pulled from the trash to steal candy. In other words, to get one of these knuckleheads a free box of Raisinettes, you’d be drinking your Mr. Pibb from a cup someone used earlier in the day.
* Cleaning the theaters is the worst job in the whole building. No one wants that job and it’s because people like you are so damn messy. What a bunch of pigs.
* The cheese sauce that goes with your nachos gets saved every night. It’s poured into a big plastic 5-gallon drum and stored in the refrigerator. And when you’re pouring that hot cheese sauce into the drum and the steam floats up into your face and fogs your glasses, it smells like vomit.
* The hot dogs get saved every night, too. They can sometimes become fossilized. If you want a hot dog, just go to a baseball game.
* This is the pecking order for employees. At the top are the managers and assistant managers, who usually wear dressy clothes (i.e. a cheap tie) rather than the polyester uniforms. The most skilled and trustworthy regular employees will work the box office where the highest volume of business happens. Below them, the next skillful and trustworthy people work the concession stand counters (and only the best of that group are assigned to run the cash registers). At the very bottom are the idiots, slackers, and new hires. These are the ushers who clean theaters, tear tickets, and float around doing odd jobs like bring you more ice during a big rush.
* Stories about finding used condoms in the theaters after a show, thankfully, seem to be apocryphal. But ushers do find wads of cash, sometimes a lot.
* For the last time, THX has nothing to do with the movie. It’s a quality-control system for the theater speakers and acoustics. Idiots.
1.04.2007
12.19.2006
Ode to CSI:Miami
One of the guiltiest of television's guilty pleasures is surely "CSI: Miami," the flashy and slightly cheesy younger brother of the original "CSI." Just as William Petersen's grim professionalism sets the tone for the original series, David Caruso's ridiculously dead-pan and humorless determination sets the tone for "CSI:Miami." He's Sergeant Joe Friday taken to extremes. A very clever someone has posted to YouTube a compilation of Caruso's hard-boiled one-liners. Stringing them together only underscores the absurdity of both the show's so-bad-it's-good dialogue and Caruso's stone-faced, robotic delivery. That Caruso is so in love with his cool-guy sunglasses prop is icing on the cake.
11.24.2006
Burn the Peyton Manning bandwagon
It’s never easy rooting against All-American apple pie, but in today’s world courageous stands against ignorance and myopia have never been more important. And so the time has come to point accusing fingers at those of you who have happily drunk the Peyton Manning Kool-Aid. The sports media tell us at every opportunity how great NFL quarterback Manning is – the love and adulation heaped on this guy at times feels on a par with the praise lavished on Michael Jordan in the 1990s. Which is just ridiculous – Jordan won six rings, Manning’s won zero. Put simply, this is the time when all good men and women must begin to root against aw-shucks good-‘ol-boy Peyton Manning.
Herewith are five reasons why Manning deserves none of your respect.
1. Manning is paradoxically overrated. If you look at how much Manning’s accomplished, you’d be suitably impressed. Number one pick in the 1998 NFL draft. Co-MVP in 2003. NFL single-season touchdown leader with 48 in 2004. And yet, when it comes to big-time, high-stakes clutch performances, Manning has been very, very mortal. The Colts are typically extremely good in the regular season only to have the wheels come off in January when the post-season begins. Manning’s thus a combined 3-6 in NFL playoff games. This lack of success in Big Games has dogged Manning since his college days – give him credit: at least he’s consistent in his choke artist tendencies. To be fair, it’s okay to never win a Superbowl – there have plenty of outstanding quarterbacks who have had solid careers without doing so – but it has to be more than a little embarrassing to continue to fail when so many have anointed you as the one of the smartest and most gifted passers to ever play the game. Let’s also not forget the bank Manning makes – the Colts in 2004 gave him the biggest NFL salary ever at the time: $99 million over seven years. So much expectation, so few results.
2. Manning never met a play he didn’t want to audible. Have you seen this guy when he’s under center? It’s nothing but hand gestures and finger pointing taken to hilarious extremes. One wonders if he ever sticks to the play that’s called in the huddle. Certainly there are times when an NFL quarterback sees something in the defense that demands an audible, but it’s only Manning who’s developed this reputation for frantic scrimmage-line arm waving. Frankly, there’s something a little smug and arrogant about it, as if he’s buying into all of the talk about his intelligence and making sure everyone sees how clever and astute he is in reading defenses and adjusting at the last moment. That nonsense can come at a price, of course. A few seasons ago it was reported that Manning’s infinite audibles weren’t only confounding the defenses, but his own teammates.
3. Manning is apparently the only NFL player advertisers want to employ in their spots. There are plenty of recognizable faces playing football (including some, like Tom Brady, who've won Superbowls), but you wouldn’t know it from the advertising. You can’t watch a single commercial pod during an NFL game these days without seeing Manning’s mug working for one sponsor or another. There’s the ESPN Sportscenter and NFL spots with his father and brother (an irritant in and of itself – see #5 below), the Sprint commercial with his stupid mustache disguise (“laser rocket arm”), the DirecTV spots in which he talks to the camera from the field, and the - genuinely amusing - MasterCard spots featuring Manning cheering on everyday workers like paperboys and waitresses. Most of these spots trade on Manning’s purported mild-mannered affability. So it’s particularly jarring when Gatorade Rain uses Manning in a spot that requires an intimidating bad-ass. This is absolutely absurd. Rather than find a truly menacing NFL bully like Brian Urlacher, Gatorade went back to the goofy-faced Louisianan who intimidates with… his brainy audibles? Truth be told, these companies should probably all be boycotted, if only to teach them a lesson.
4. Any problem with the Indianapolis Colts offense has nothing to do with Manning. Watch Manning when a pass goes incomplete or the team fails to convert on third down. He slings his arms around and shakes his head like a petulant four-year-old. It’s never his fault (which seems odd since he’s the one making all of those audibles). He’s brilliant – it’s teammates who fail to elevate themselves to his level that leads to trouble. This tendency was particularly obvious in 2006 following the Colts’ predictable exit from the playoffs – at the post-game press conference Manning awkwardly suggested the real problem lied with his offensive line not giving him time to work his magic. Classy.
5. Manning’s part of a supposed football family dynasty. Not only do we have to endure all of the attention paid to Peyton, but we also have to hear all about his father Archie and brother Eli. This doesn’t just mean having to sit through cutesy big-lug advertising spots that feature all three, but also the annoying inevitability that every article and TV piece about Peyton will sooner or later make the obligatory mention of the family. We get it – they’re all quarterbacks. (Archie never won the big one, either, so maybe it runs in the family.) As a post-script, the true Manning sensibility was perhaps best displayed with daddy Archie got involved in baby Eli’s temper tantrum about wanting to be drafted by the Giants, even though the Chargers had the number one pick and decided to draft him. The look of disgust on Eli’s face holding the Charger jersey (moments before they traded his underachieving ass to the Giants) is priceless – to be so upset to have just been guaranteed millions. What a bunch of jerks.
In sum, let us all join forces to hope that Peyton Manning goes the way of the NFL quarterback who is so far most like him: gunslinger Dan Marino, a guy who racked up lots of honors and statistics but never won a Superbowl. Now that would be something to cheer about.
Herewith are five reasons why Manning deserves none of your respect.
1. Manning is paradoxically overrated. If you look at how much Manning’s accomplished, you’d be suitably impressed. Number one pick in the 1998 NFL draft. Co-MVP in 2003. NFL single-season touchdown leader with 48 in 2004. And yet, when it comes to big-time, high-stakes clutch performances, Manning has been very, very mortal. The Colts are typically extremely good in the regular season only to have the wheels come off in January when the post-season begins. Manning’s thus a combined 3-6 in NFL playoff games. This lack of success in Big Games has dogged Manning since his college days – give him credit: at least he’s consistent in his choke artist tendencies. To be fair, it’s okay to never win a Superbowl – there have plenty of outstanding quarterbacks who have had solid careers without doing so – but it has to be more than a little embarrassing to continue to fail when so many have anointed you as the one of the smartest and most gifted passers to ever play the game. Let’s also not forget the bank Manning makes – the Colts in 2004 gave him the biggest NFL salary ever at the time: $99 million over seven years. So much expectation, so few results.
2. Manning never met a play he didn’t want to audible. Have you seen this guy when he’s under center? It’s nothing but hand gestures and finger pointing taken to hilarious extremes. One wonders if he ever sticks to the play that’s called in the huddle. Certainly there are times when an NFL quarterback sees something in the defense that demands an audible, but it’s only Manning who’s developed this reputation for frantic scrimmage-line arm waving. Frankly, there’s something a little smug and arrogant about it, as if he’s buying into all of the talk about his intelligence and making sure everyone sees how clever and astute he is in reading defenses and adjusting at the last moment. That nonsense can come at a price, of course. A few seasons ago it was reported that Manning’s infinite audibles weren’t only confounding the defenses, but his own teammates.
3. Manning is apparently the only NFL player advertisers want to employ in their spots. There are plenty of recognizable faces playing football (including some, like Tom Brady, who've won Superbowls), but you wouldn’t know it from the advertising. You can’t watch a single commercial pod during an NFL game these days without seeing Manning’s mug working for one sponsor or another. There’s the ESPN Sportscenter and NFL spots with his father and brother (an irritant in and of itself – see #5 below), the Sprint commercial with his stupid mustache disguise (“laser rocket arm”), the DirecTV spots in which he talks to the camera from the field, and the - genuinely amusing - MasterCard spots featuring Manning cheering on everyday workers like paperboys and waitresses. Most of these spots trade on Manning’s purported mild-mannered affability. So it’s particularly jarring when Gatorade Rain uses Manning in a spot that requires an intimidating bad-ass. This is absolutely absurd. Rather than find a truly menacing NFL bully like Brian Urlacher, Gatorade went back to the goofy-faced Louisianan who intimidates with… his brainy audibles? Truth be told, these companies should probably all be boycotted, if only to teach them a lesson.
4. Any problem with the Indianapolis Colts offense has nothing to do with Manning. Watch Manning when a pass goes incomplete or the team fails to convert on third down. He slings his arms around and shakes his head like a petulant four-year-old. It’s never his fault (which seems odd since he’s the one making all of those audibles). He’s brilliant – it’s teammates who fail to elevate themselves to his level that leads to trouble. This tendency was particularly obvious in 2006 following the Colts’ predictable exit from the playoffs – at the post-game press conference Manning awkwardly suggested the real problem lied with his offensive line not giving him time to work his magic. Classy.
5. Manning’s part of a supposed football family dynasty. Not only do we have to endure all of the attention paid to Peyton, but we also have to hear all about his father Archie and brother Eli. This doesn’t just mean having to sit through cutesy big-lug advertising spots that feature all three, but also the annoying inevitability that every article and TV piece about Peyton will sooner or later make the obligatory mention of the family. We get it – they’re all quarterbacks. (Archie never won the big one, either, so maybe it runs in the family.) As a post-script, the true Manning sensibility was perhaps best displayed with daddy Archie got involved in baby Eli’s temper tantrum about wanting to be drafted by the Giants, even though the Chargers had the number one pick and decided to draft him. The look of disgust on Eli’s face holding the Charger jersey (moments before they traded his underachieving ass to the Giants) is priceless – to be so upset to have just been guaranteed millions. What a bunch of jerks.
In sum, let us all join forces to hope that Peyton Manning goes the way of the NFL quarterback who is so far most like him: gunslinger Dan Marino, a guy who racked up lots of honors and statistics but never won a Superbowl. Now that would be something to cheer about.
11.22.2006
Heroes "Homecoming"
Cool: Mohinder finds a list in his father's computer of all the world's heroes. A great moment, yes. But how exactly did Chandra Suresh find these people? There’s some throwaway technobabble dialogue about using the human genome project, but how would that allow a scientist in India to know if I can breathe underwater or not? Seems like a cheat, but we’ll let it slide. Also, did it strike you as kind of funny that all Mohinder had to do was click one button to get to that list? (Do you want to quit? No. Okay, then here’s all of the heroes.)
Cooler: We wonder at what point someone at NBC will get the idea to try and market and sell a mock-up version of Chandra Suresh’s Activating Evolution book.
Huh?: What high school takes one of the most dramatic social events of the year – the announcement of homecoming queen – and reduces it to a flyer stapled to a commons bulletin board?
Falling: Sylar, who was built up as this unstoppable force of gory evil and telekinetic power. But he was neutralized in just a few short minutes after tussling with irritating wimp Peter and mind-control pixie Eden. Feels like a letdown.
Cooler: We wonder at what point someone at NBC will get the idea to try and market and sell a mock-up version of Chandra Suresh’s Activating Evolution book.
Huh?: What high school takes one of the most dramatic social events of the year – the announcement of homecoming queen – and reduces it to a flyer stapled to a commons bulletin board?
Falling: Sylar, who was built up as this unstoppable force of gory evil and telekinetic power. But he was neutralized in just a few short minutes after tussling with irritating wimp Peter and mind-control pixie Eden. Feels like a letdown.
Lost "I Do"
Cool: A gold star for actor Michael Emerson. As dastardly as his Ben may be, Emerson still manages to stir genuine sympathy with his (probably phony) hangdog vulnerability in the scenes involving his fatal cancer.
Cooler: We really should mention Kate and Sawyer’s bear cage sex scene. And now we have.
Coolest: Jack springs into action once again, ignoring the Hippocratic Oath to put Ben in mortal danger on the operating table to force the Others to release Kate and Sawyer. Too bad Jack doesn’t realize they’re on a different island and have nowhere to run.
Huh?: We understand the importance of sweeps to ABC and appreciate that the second half of the “Lost” season will air without repeats. But February 1, 2007 sure seems like a long way away.
Falling: Kate. We learn she married a cop, apparently forgetting that she’s, like, a fugitive on the run from police. That said, this development is a nice callback to season 1 when during a game of “I Never” with Sawyer she revealed that she’d been married.
Cooler: We really should mention Kate and Sawyer’s bear cage sex scene. And now we have.
Coolest: Jack springs into action once again, ignoring the Hippocratic Oath to put Ben in mortal danger on the operating table to force the Others to release Kate and Sawyer. Too bad Jack doesn’t realize they’re on a different island and have nowhere to run.
Huh?: We understand the importance of sweeps to ABC and appreciate that the second half of the “Lost” season will air without repeats. But February 1, 2007 sure seems like a long way away.
Falling: Kate. We learn she married a cop, apparently forgetting that she’s, like, a fugitive on the run from police. That said, this development is a nice callback to season 1 when during a game of “I Never” with Sawyer she revealed that she’d been married.
Battlestar Galactica "Hero"
Cool: Tigh finally gets himself a cool eyepatch.
Cooler: This is an episode with a lot of twists and turns as the truth is slowly revealed about Bulldog’s secret mission and Adama’s role in ending it. Adama’s clearly upset about the choices he made, but what choices were they? At first it seems he’s upset that he left Bulldog behind, then it seems like the problem is that he shot Bulldog down to preserve the mission’s secrecy, then later we find out that Adama’s mission across the Cylon Armistice Line may have been the provocation that started the entire war. This is good stuff, exploring the costs of command and the price of war.
Huh?: The Cylon base star scenes continue to mystify us. But that's why TiVo has a fast-forward button.
Best Line: “Sometimes surviving can be its own death sentence.” – Tigh to Bulldog, neatly summarizing theme of the entire episode.
Rising: Adama, who turns out isn’t a perfect leader with an unblemished record. His transfer to Galactica (the oldest battlestar in the fleet, remember), it turns out, was the admiralty’s way of offering him a graceful retirement following the disastrous mission with Bulldog.
Cooler: This is an episode with a lot of twists and turns as the truth is slowly revealed about Bulldog’s secret mission and Adama’s role in ending it. Adama’s clearly upset about the choices he made, but what choices were they? At first it seems he’s upset that he left Bulldog behind, then it seems like the problem is that he shot Bulldog down to preserve the mission’s secrecy, then later we find out that Adama’s mission across the Cylon Armistice Line may have been the provocation that started the entire war. This is good stuff, exploring the costs of command and the price of war.
Huh?: The Cylon base star scenes continue to mystify us. But that's why TiVo has a fast-forward button.
Best Line: “Sometimes surviving can be its own death sentence.” – Tigh to Bulldog, neatly summarizing theme of the entire episode.
Rising: Adama, who turns out isn’t a perfect leader with an unblemished record. His transfer to Galactica (the oldest battlestar in the fleet, remember), it turns out, was the admiralty’s way of offering him a graceful retirement following the disastrous mission with Bulldog.
Battlestar Galactica “A Measure of Salvation”
Cool: Baltar gets tortured. Finally. The Cheese Fry can’t wait for the reruns.
Cooler: The Cylon debate. Apollo and Roslin see this virus as the perfect opportunity to wipe out the Cylons, but Helo (and to a lesser extent, Adama) worry what such a decision will mean for humanity. How is Apollo’s plan any different from the Cylon’s nuclear attack on the 12 colonies? Are the Cylons a “race” worthy of preservation? Bonus points to Adama for insisting that the decision rest with Roslin. He doesn’t want his hands dirty.
Coolest: Helo makes the bold decision to put his money where his mouth is and sabtoage Apollo’s genocide plan. This guy’s something else.
Best Line: “I have determined the Cylons be made extinct.” – Roslin’s edict to pursue Apollo’s plan to infect the Cylons with the virus.
Falling: Baltar, whose arc continues to be the most confusing part of the show. What exactly is going on in all of those Cylon base star scenes? More importantly, do we care to do the work required to find out?
Cooler: The Cylon debate. Apollo and Roslin see this virus as the perfect opportunity to wipe out the Cylons, but Helo (and to a lesser extent, Adama) worry what such a decision will mean for humanity. How is Apollo’s plan any different from the Cylon’s nuclear attack on the 12 colonies? Are the Cylons a “race” worthy of preservation? Bonus points to Adama for insisting that the decision rest with Roslin. He doesn’t want his hands dirty.
Coolest: Helo makes the bold decision to put his money where his mouth is and sabtoage Apollo’s genocide plan. This guy’s something else.
Best Line: “I have determined the Cylons be made extinct.” – Roslin’s edict to pursue Apollo’s plan to infect the Cylons with the virus.
Falling: Baltar, whose arc continues to be the most confusing part of the show. What exactly is going on in all of those Cylon base star scenes? More importantly, do we care to do the work required to find out?
Heroes “Seven Minutes to Midnight”
Cool: Ted the firestarter and Matt the mindreader compare weird neck marks. Are the marks something Horn Rim Glasses burned onto them when he studied them or are the marks clues to what gave them the power? Mohinder’s dad thinks it’s a natural evolutionary process, which would seem to contradict the idea that the heroes were kidnapped, marked, and given the powers.
Cooler: Horn Rim Glasses explains Sylar is killing heroes. This not suggests that maybe HRG isn’t the villain we’d suspected him of being. Even better, this suggests the show may ultimately be more satisfying that something like “Lost” that can seem so stingy with doling out plot details and backstory secrets.
Coolest: Eden isn’t just a pretty spy. She’s got a fun hero power of her own: suggestive whispering, Jedi-style.
Huh?: If HRG and Eden know Isaac can only predict the future when he’s high, why clean him up? It seems they do this just so Eden and HRG can have an argument about forcing Isaac back onto heroin. By the way, painting the future? Not as groovy as mindreading or time-travel or flying. But we suppose it was necessary for plotting purposes.
Cooler: Horn Rim Glasses explains Sylar is killing heroes. This not suggests that maybe HRG isn’t the villain we’d suspected him of being. Even better, this suggests the show may ultimately be more satisfying that something like “Lost” that can seem so stingy with doling out plot details and backstory secrets.
Coolest: Eden isn’t just a pretty spy. She’s got a fun hero power of her own: suggestive whispering, Jedi-style.
Huh?: If HRG and Eden know Isaac can only predict the future when he’s high, why clean him up? It seems they do this just so Eden and HRG can have an argument about forcing Isaac back onto heroin. By the way, painting the future? Not as groovy as mindreading or time-travel or flying. But we suppose it was necessary for plotting purposes.
Battlestar Galactica "Torn"
Cool: Sharon’s new call sign is Athena (Boomer is no more), which was the name of Apollo’s sister/Adama's daughter on the original series. Some have suggested this is the writers’ way of subtly underscoring Adama’s growing connection to Sharon. All the more to make his betrayal of her regarding Hera all the more dramatic.
Cooler: Suggestion is made that the Cylon virus was deliberately planted – booby-trap style – by the 13th colony as it headed for earth long ago. We’re not sure what to make of that, but it’s interesting.
Coolest: The old Starbuck may be on the way back, what with the dramatic knife-blade haircut she gives herself. (Check out the worried expressions on her fellow Colonials when she whips out that knife in the communal bathroom.) It would seem that, unlike Tigh, Starbuck is ready to try and get past the pain she suffered on New Caprica.
Huh?: What the heck is this babbling-in-a-milk-bath Cylon hybrid thing? It’d be kind of cool if it wasn’t so clearly a ripoff of the pre-cogs in Minority Report.
Best Line: “That man doesn’t exist anymore, Bill.” – Tigh to Adama. A response to Adama’s demand that Tigh be the man he once was. Murdering your wife can do that to you.
Rising: Tigh, who’s becoming the show’s most compelling character, so happily succumbing to his burning hatred and self-pity (and the attendant alcoholism). Despite what he tells Adama, no doubt some future crisis will allow Tigh to redeem himself.
Cooler: Suggestion is made that the Cylon virus was deliberately planted – booby-trap style – by the 13th colony as it headed for earth long ago. We’re not sure what to make of that, but it’s interesting.
Coolest: The old Starbuck may be on the way back, what with the dramatic knife-blade haircut she gives herself. (Check out the worried expressions on her fellow Colonials when she whips out that knife in the communal bathroom.) It would seem that, unlike Tigh, Starbuck is ready to try and get past the pain she suffered on New Caprica.
Huh?: What the heck is this babbling-in-a-milk-bath Cylon hybrid thing? It’d be kind of cool if it wasn’t so clearly a ripoff of the pre-cogs in Minority Report.
Best Line: “That man doesn’t exist anymore, Bill.” – Tigh to Adama. A response to Adama’s demand that Tigh be the man he once was. Murdering your wife can do that to you.
Rising: Tigh, who’s becoming the show’s most compelling character, so happily succumbing to his burning hatred and self-pity (and the attendant alcoholism). Despite what he tells Adama, no doubt some future crisis will allow Tigh to redeem himself.
Lost "The Cost of Living"
Cool: Jack and Juliet continue their flirting and, honestly, The Cheese Fry can hardly blame him. Juliet may be the Bad Girl with a Heart of Gold that Kate only wished she could be - our zeal for Evangeline Lily continues to wane.
Cooler: Juliet’s clever tactic to communicate a secret message to Jack. She tells him how great Ben is while she runs a silent videotape for Jack in which she holds up contradictory handwritten signs, which includes “Some of us want a change.” Is she telling the truth? Is it a set-up? One of those goosebump moments at which this show excels.
Huh?: Yes, the integration of new cast members Kiele Sanchez and Rodrigo Santoro continues to be embarrassingly ham-handed and clumsy, but far more awkward is the sudden and rather anticlimactic demise of Mr. Eko, inexplicably felled by the black smoke monster.
Best Line: “Don’t mistake coincidence for fate.” – Locke, delivering one of those polished Big Theme gems.
Falling: The original castaways, who have become rather boring, don't you think? So far this season, all of the thrills and intrigue comes from the Others and their interactions with Jack, Sawyer, and Kate.
Cooler: Juliet’s clever tactic to communicate a secret message to Jack. She tells him how great Ben is while she runs a silent videotape for Jack in which she holds up contradictory handwritten signs, which includes “Some of us want a change.” Is she telling the truth? Is it a set-up? One of those goosebump moments at which this show excels.
Huh?: Yes, the integration of new cast members Kiele Sanchez and Rodrigo Santoro continues to be embarrassingly ham-handed and clumsy, but far more awkward is the sudden and rather anticlimactic demise of Mr. Eko, inexplicably felled by the black smoke monster.
Best Line: “Don’t mistake coincidence for fate.” – Locke, delivering one of those polished Big Theme gems.
Falling: The original castaways, who have become rather boring, don't you think? So far this season, all of the thrills and intrigue comes from the Others and their interactions with Jack, Sawyer, and Kate.
10.28.2006
Battlestar Galactica “Collaborators”
Cool: Poor Cylon collaborator Jammer finds himself judged, juried, and executed by an underground star chamber. Method of execution: purge by airlock via a Viper launch tube. While handcuffed. Before the title credits.
Cooler: Roslin pulls a Gerald Ford/Jimmy Carter and blanket-pardons everyone who might have collaborated with the Cylons. You know, to begin the healing.
Huh?: Will someone please give Tigh a proper eyepatch? The sloppy square gauze thing is dramatic and all but it really does seem unnecessary at this point.
Best Line: “Your presidency is a farce and it ends right now!” – Adama to Zarek after learning that Zarek actually okayed the Circle.
Rising: Gaeta, who refuses to beg for his life when sentenced to die for his purported crimes against humanity. This kid’s got spunk. Tyrol earns honorable mention for making a big show of eating with Gaeta at episode’s end, doing his part to thaw the freeze between Gaeta and crew.
Falling: Cally, who didn’t think it was worth mentioning to Tyrol that someone on the Cylon secret police, like, let her go. This dim-witted oversight may have cost Jammer his life at the hands of the Circle. If this show were a feature film, Cally would be played by Rachael Leigh Cook or Ashlee Simpson. She's that annoying.
Cooler: Roslin pulls a Gerald Ford/Jimmy Carter and blanket-pardons everyone who might have collaborated with the Cylons. You know, to begin the healing.
Huh?: Will someone please give Tigh a proper eyepatch? The sloppy square gauze thing is dramatic and all but it really does seem unnecessary at this point.
Best Line: “Your presidency is a farce and it ends right now!” – Adama to Zarek after learning that Zarek actually okayed the Circle.
Rising: Gaeta, who refuses to beg for his life when sentenced to die for his purported crimes against humanity. This kid’s got spunk. Tyrol earns honorable mention for making a big show of eating with Gaeta at episode’s end, doing his part to thaw the freeze between Gaeta and crew.
Falling: Cally, who didn’t think it was worth mentioning to Tyrol that someone on the Cylon secret police, like, let her go. This dim-witted oversight may have cost Jammer his life at the hands of the Circle. If this show were a feature film, Cally would be played by Rachael Leigh Cook or Ashlee Simpson. She's that annoying.
Lost “Every Man for Himself”
Cool: Sawyer’s an ex-con. We knew it. Extra credit for pulling a con on a fellow inmate for the authorities to get himself an early release.
Cooler: It doesn’t make a lick of sense, but somehow Desmond seems to have developed some kind of clairvoyant powers to see the future.
Coolest: The Others fool Sawyer into thinking he’s got a gizmo in his chest that will burst his heart if his pulse rate exceeds a certain level. The cherry on this is watching Sawyer’s heart race dangerously fast when he catches a glimpse of Kate’s naked back.
Best Line: “We’re gonna have to get that guy another button to push.” – Charlie to Claire, in reference to Desmond, who’s been acting oddly ever since the hatch imploded (see Cooler above).
Rising: Kate displays some real moxie here. First she wriggles out of her cage. Then she refuses to flee into the jungle and abandon Sawyer, choosing instead to return to her cage. Oh yeah, and she also professes her love for Sawyer to keep him from getting beaten to a pulp.
Cooler: It doesn’t make a lick of sense, but somehow Desmond seems to have developed some kind of clairvoyant powers to see the future.
Coolest: The Others fool Sawyer into thinking he’s got a gizmo in his chest that will burst his heart if his pulse rate exceeds a certain level. The cherry on this is watching Sawyer’s heart race dangerously fast when he catches a glimpse of Kate’s naked back.
Best Line: “We’re gonna have to get that guy another button to push.” – Charlie to Claire, in reference to Desmond, who’s been acting oddly ever since the hatch imploded (see Cooler above).
Rising: Kate displays some real moxie here. First she wriggles out of her cage. Then she refuses to flee into the jungle and abandon Sawyer, choosing instead to return to her cage. Oh yeah, and she also professes her love for Sawyer to keep him from getting beaten to a pulp.
Lost "Further Instructions"
Cool: Poor Flashback Locke’s played for a sucker yet again, this time tricked into bringing an undercover cop to a paraside farm commune that’s actually a thriving marijuana farm. Nice moment: Locke tries to kill the cop and preserve his little slice of heaven, but the cop calmly walks away, insisting Locke is a farmer, not a hunter.
Huh?: This is a treading-water episode. The whole thing is a big "huh?" Not much happens. And what does happens is completely bizarre, even for this show. John builds a Native American sweat lodge, has a fever dream vision of Boone who directs him to find Eko, who has – get this – been dragged to a lair by a maniacal polar bear. This is crazy, people. Crazy. It's episodes like this that scare off new viewers.
Huh?: This is a treading-water episode. The whole thing is a big "huh?" Not much happens. And what does happens is completely bizarre, even for this show. John builds a Native American sweat lodge, has a fever dream vision of Boone who directs him to find Eko, who has – get this – been dragged to a lair by a maniacal polar bear. This is crazy, people. Crazy. It's episodes like this that scare off new viewers.
Battlestar Galactica “Exodus Part 2”
Cool: Galactica FTL jumps into the blue skies above New Caprica, burning as it free-falls through the atmosphere, sticking around just long enough to launch its Vipers before jumping away again. A real showstopper of a visual effect.
Cooler: Tigh unexpectedly puts his money where his mouth is and kills his misguided wife Ellen, punishment for her having helped the Cylons. This guy is becoming a real force of nature. His days of drunken, ineffectual self-loathing seem a thing of the past - his time in the Cylon detention center have honed him to a steely point.
Coolest: The predictable self-sacrifice of the Pegasus, as Apollo defies Adama’s orders and swoops in to save Galactica from certain doom. This sequence, which is capped the empty Pegasus ramming one of the Cylon basestars (which takes out another basestar after the explosion sends big chunks of Pegasus flying everywhere), is one of the most thrilling space battles since The Wrath of Khan.
Huh?: Gaeta gives Baltar a chance to redeem himself by going to stop the Cylon nuke planted on New Caprica. Okay, but by the time Baltar goes looking for it, the planet looks completely deserted. Everyone’s already evac'd to Galactica, so who cares if a nuclear bomb goes off?
Cooler: Tigh unexpectedly puts his money where his mouth is and kills his misguided wife Ellen, punishment for her having helped the Cylons. This guy is becoming a real force of nature. His days of drunken, ineffectual self-loathing seem a thing of the past - his time in the Cylon detention center have honed him to a steely point.
Coolest: The predictable self-sacrifice of the Pegasus, as Apollo defies Adama’s orders and swoops in to save Galactica from certain doom. This sequence, which is capped the empty Pegasus ramming one of the Cylon basestars (which takes out another basestar after the explosion sends big chunks of Pegasus flying everywhere), is one of the most thrilling space battles since The Wrath of Khan.
Huh?: Gaeta gives Baltar a chance to redeem himself by going to stop the Cylon nuke planted on New Caprica. Okay, but by the time Baltar goes looking for it, the planet looks completely deserted. Everyone’s already evac'd to Galactica, so who cares if a nuclear bomb goes off?
10.18.2006
NBC 2, CBS 0
Friday Night Lights (NBC) may be this season’s Little Show That Couldn’t. Critics love it but it’s not finding an audience, perhaps the victim of “tweenism.” It may seem too teen for adults and too adult for teens, so neither demographic watches it. The competition – Gilmore Girls and the inexplicable 1970s throwback Dancing with the Stars (you want to see real dancing talent, tune in to So You Think You Can Dance next summer – seriously) – certainly doesn’t help, leeching off women viewers who might actually like the more soapy qualities of this saga of a small town's obsession with its top-ranked high school football team. The execution also isn't very familiar - the camerawork is shaky, the performances rather raw, the dialogue often light on helpful exposition. The show can play like a verite PBS documentary. It's not the comfort food of ER or Law & Order. You have to pay attention. It’s the best new show of the season, but you probably didn’t know that because you’re not watching. Watch it now before it gets cancelled.
Heroes (NBC) certainly didn’t look too good coming out of the gate, seeming like a poor man’s X-Men what with the overt comic book influence and the copycat serialized structure that’s been so in vogue since the success of Lost. But this show is worthy of your attention. The individual character subplots, which are of course becoming more and more interlocked and overlapped as we go along, are more richly realized than most network dramas’ entire seasons. There’s something very Stephen King circa 1985 about the way the supernatural here invades the very ordinary. It all rings pretty much true. Here’s hoping the show concludes its New York City apocalypse storyline at the end of the first season and then – ala 24 – sets up a new crisis for season 2. This is a very durable premise with lots of story potential. You don’t need to watch it now because it’s shaping up to be the season’s first breakout hit. It’ll be around for a while.
Studio 60 (NBS, er, NBC) is the pretty girl you put up on the pedestal. But then you actually talk to her and you realize how wrong you were. You desperately want to like this show. Aaron Sorkin’s last two shows – The West Wing and SportsNight – were instant classics of complex character and smart dialogue. Sorkin's something of a genius. The problem seems to be that he agrees. As good as Bradley Whitford and Matthew Perry may be, they can’t make you care about what happens during the course of producing a Saturday Night Live style sketch show. The stakes just aren’t that high. Perry's writer’s block isn’t the same as Martin Sheen's international hostage crisis. Plus there’s just a nagging feeling that Sorkin and his crew are very much in love with his snappy banter that leaves everyone sounding exactly the same (and smug in a way that suggests you're stupid if you don't think it's all so veddy veddy brilliant). Don’t bother.
Jericho (CBS) stars Skeet Ulrich, which is really all you need to know about this show. The premise is certainly somber, perhaps the most blatant post-9/11 allegory we’ve seen yet: small town faces the possibility that most of America has been wiped out in a nuclear war. Jeez. Pass the popcorn. Given the right execution, there’s certainly a lot of drama and conflict to be mined from such a grim situation. Think what the writers of 24 could do with this (or, come to think of it, have done with this). Hope amid death, the triumph of humanity amid violence, the living dealing with the guilt of survival, etc. But the show is too clumsy for those kinds of themes. It’s like a high school drama good vs. evil production devoid of subtlety or nuance.
Heroes (NBC) certainly didn’t look too good coming out of the gate, seeming like a poor man’s X-Men what with the overt comic book influence and the copycat serialized structure that’s been so in vogue since the success of Lost. But this show is worthy of your attention. The individual character subplots, which are of course becoming more and more interlocked and overlapped as we go along, are more richly realized than most network dramas’ entire seasons. There’s something very Stephen King circa 1985 about the way the supernatural here invades the very ordinary. It all rings pretty much true. Here’s hoping the show concludes its New York City apocalypse storyline at the end of the first season and then – ala 24 – sets up a new crisis for season 2. This is a very durable premise with lots of story potential. You don’t need to watch it now because it’s shaping up to be the season’s first breakout hit. It’ll be around for a while.
Studio 60 (NBS, er, NBC) is the pretty girl you put up on the pedestal. But then you actually talk to her and you realize how wrong you were. You desperately want to like this show. Aaron Sorkin’s last two shows – The West Wing and SportsNight – were instant classics of complex character and smart dialogue. Sorkin's something of a genius. The problem seems to be that he agrees. As good as Bradley Whitford and Matthew Perry may be, they can’t make you care about what happens during the course of producing a Saturday Night Live style sketch show. The stakes just aren’t that high. Perry's writer’s block isn’t the same as Martin Sheen's international hostage crisis. Plus there’s just a nagging feeling that Sorkin and his crew are very much in love with his snappy banter that leaves everyone sounding exactly the same (and smug in a way that suggests you're stupid if you don't think it's all so veddy veddy brilliant). Don’t bother.
Jericho (CBS) stars Skeet Ulrich, which is really all you need to know about this show. The premise is certainly somber, perhaps the most blatant post-9/11 allegory we’ve seen yet: small town faces the possibility that most of America has been wiped out in a nuclear war. Jeez. Pass the popcorn. Given the right execution, there’s certainly a lot of drama and conflict to be mined from such a grim situation. Think what the writers of 24 could do with this (or, come to think of it, have done with this). Hope amid death, the triumph of humanity amid violence, the living dealing with the guilt of survival, etc. But the show is too clumsy for those kinds of themes. It’s like a high school drama good vs. evil production devoid of subtlety or nuance.
Lost "The Glass Ballerina"
Cool: Sawyer defies the Others’ explicit instructions and kisses Kate on the road gang work detail. It’s soon clear this was not about romance, but about luring the Others into attacking him so he could gauge their combat skill. Clever boy. But he loses points for later explaining his motivation to Kate in a voice loud enough to be picked by Ben’s microphones. How can the castaways at this point not be so paranoid as to speak in whispers? Don’t they watch the show?
Huh?: Sayid the master military tactician foolishly puts Sun in jeopardy by allowing Sun to make tea (!) in the docked sailboat while he and Jin stake out the jungle awaiting to ambush the Others. How can Sayid so underestimate the enemy?
Best Line: “I'm guessing most of these boys have never seen any real action. But that blond who had a gun pointed at you? She would have shot you, no problem.” – Sawyer assessing the Others to Kate. The blond he’s referring to is The Cheese Fry’s new It Girl, the Other named Juliet.
Rising: Sun, who’s turning out to be quite a dangerous character. First the flashbacks reveal her capacity for deception. As a little girl, she allows an innocent maid to be fired rather than admit her own misdeed. As a woman, she cheats on her husband and possibly allows herself to be impregnated as a result. But wait, that’s not all. Then, Sun gut shoots point-blank one of the Others, just moments after the Other claimed Sun would never do such a thing. Oops.
Huh?: Sayid the master military tactician foolishly puts Sun in jeopardy by allowing Sun to make tea (!) in the docked sailboat while he and Jin stake out the jungle awaiting to ambush the Others. How can Sayid so underestimate the enemy?
Best Line: “I'm guessing most of these boys have never seen any real action. But that blond who had a gun pointed at you? She would have shot you, no problem.” – Sawyer assessing the Others to Kate. The blond he’s referring to is The Cheese Fry’s new It Girl, the Other named Juliet.
Rising: Sun, who’s turning out to be quite a dangerous character. First the flashbacks reveal her capacity for deception. As a little girl, she allows an innocent maid to be fired rather than admit her own misdeed. As a woman, she cheats on her husband and possibly allows herself to be impregnated as a result. But wait, that’s not all. Then, Sun gut shoots point-blank one of the Others, just moments after the Other claimed Sun would never do such a thing. Oops.
10.14.2006
Battlestar Galactica “Exodus Part 1”
Cool: The New Caprica resistance has somehow constructed a huge subterranean bunker a la Hogan’s Heroes (you get to it by opening a trap door hidden under a rug) right under the Cylons’ noses.
Cooler: Tigh’s months in Cylon captivity have turned him into a cold-blooded bad ass, all military tactics and merciless determination. The eye patch doesn't hurt, either. Will Adama even recognize this guy? Which leads us to...
Coolest: Check out the look of one-eyed anguish on Tigh’s face when Ellen confesses that she did indeed give the resistance map to the Cylons to save his life.
Huh?: The Cheese Fry is reserving judgment on the Starbuck-is-a-mommy subplot. Do we really want Starbuck’s edge softened by maternal instincts? Maybe, maybe not.
Best Line (tie): “Don’t make me cry on my own hangar deck.” – Adama to Apollo as they say their awkward testosterone goodbyes. “Adama wouldn’t lie to me.” – Caprica-Boomer to D’Anna, who claims Adama and Roslin faked baby Hera’s death. This betrayal will surely test Caprica-Boomer’s new allegiance to the Colonials just in time for November sweeps.
Falling: Cally, who just doesn’t seem worthy of Tyrol’s affections. She’s a bit, well, dim and always has been, more cute puppy than anything else. Here she is, fleeing the Cylon execution site and rather than stay low and hug the ground, she runs upright in plain site of the Centurions below. Which means Tyrol has to risk the whole operation to pull Cally out of the way. Blech.
Cooler: Tigh’s months in Cylon captivity have turned him into a cold-blooded bad ass, all military tactics and merciless determination. The eye patch doesn't hurt, either. Will Adama even recognize this guy? Which leads us to...
Coolest: Check out the look of one-eyed anguish on Tigh’s face when Ellen confesses that she did indeed give the resistance map to the Cylons to save his life.
Huh?: The Cheese Fry is reserving judgment on the Starbuck-is-a-mommy subplot. Do we really want Starbuck’s edge softened by maternal instincts? Maybe, maybe not.
Best Line (tie): “Don’t make me cry on my own hangar deck.” – Adama to Apollo as they say their awkward testosterone goodbyes. “Adama wouldn’t lie to me.” – Caprica-Boomer to D’Anna, who claims Adama and Roslin faked baby Hera’s death. This betrayal will surely test Caprica-Boomer’s new allegiance to the Colonials just in time for November sweeps.
Falling: Cally, who just doesn’t seem worthy of Tyrol’s affections. She’s a bit, well, dim and always has been, more cute puppy than anything else. Here she is, fleeing the Cylon execution site and rather than stay low and hug the ground, she runs upright in plain site of the Centurions below. Which means Tyrol has to risk the whole operation to pull Cally out of the way. Blech.
Battlestar Galactica “The Occupation” and “Precipice”
Cool: Adama and Caprica-Boomer are now confidantes. There’s something very interesting developing here in the triangle between Adama, Caprica-Boomer, and Apollo. One could argue that Adama sees in tough-minded Caprica-Boomer something he’s never completely seen in Apollo, even moreso now that Apollo's gained 50 pounds or so since the occupation of New Caprica began.
Cooler: There are obvious parallels between New Caprica and 1940s Vichy France what with the puppet government and the underground rebel resistance. That’s the easy way to go. But this is a show that wants to make things complicated. And so here we hear our Tyrol-Tigh-Anders resistance referred to as “insurgents,” assigning the good guys the loaded name we associate with the bad guys in Iraq.
Best Line: “You work with the Cylons, you’re a target.” – Colonel Tigh’s icy rationale for recruiting a suicide bomber to attack the graduation ceremony of Cylon’s new human secret police force.
Rising: Ellen Tigh, who seems geuinely selfless here, having sex with Brother Cavil not for her own gratification but to win Tigh’s release. Even better, she defines “wrong thing for the right reason” when she steals a key resistance map to ensure Tigh’s safety.
Falling: Baltar, although it’s unclear just how much farther this guy can fall. He is kind of fascinating on one hand in his narccisistic misery. Then again, he is only enormously annoying in his weak-willed cowardice. Rather than take a noble bullet and maybe do the right thing, he signs a death warrant for the leaders in the Colonial community.
Cooler: There are obvious parallels between New Caprica and 1940s Vichy France what with the puppet government and the underground rebel resistance. That’s the easy way to go. But this is a show that wants to make things complicated. And so here we hear our Tyrol-Tigh-Anders resistance referred to as “insurgents,” assigning the good guys the loaded name we associate with the bad guys in Iraq.
Best Line: “You work with the Cylons, you’re a target.” – Colonel Tigh’s icy rationale for recruiting a suicide bomber to attack the graduation ceremony of Cylon’s new human secret police force.
Rising: Ellen Tigh, who seems geuinely selfless here, having sex with Brother Cavil not for her own gratification but to win Tigh’s release. Even better, she defines “wrong thing for the right reason” when she steals a key resistance map to ensure Tigh’s safety.
Falling: Baltar, although it’s unclear just how much farther this guy can fall. He is kind of fascinating on one hand in his narccisistic misery. Then again, he is only enormously annoying in his weak-willed cowardice. Rather than take a noble bullet and maybe do the right thing, he signs a death warrant for the leaders in the Colonial community.
10.11.2006
Lost "A Tale of Two Cities"
Cool: Evangeline Lily was definitely the cast “It Girl” back in season one in 2004, but she’s lost a little something. Maybe it's her continued inexplicable romance with co-star Dominic Monaghan. Anyway, just in time comes the arrival of Elizabeth Mitchell’s silky "Other" Juliet, who could no doubt kick Kate’s ass or beat her at chess, either one. The torch may have just been passed.
Cooler: The Others live like J. Crew suburbanites in Fantasy Island-style bungalows on the far other side of the island. This is not what the Cheese Fry was expecting. And yet it makes sense somehow. The twists just keep on coming.
Coolest: Seeing the frightening crash of Oceanic 815 from the ground in a shaky long shot, showing how the plane broke up in midair without any clear reason for doing so (reinforcing the idea that it was the island’s big magnetic pulse the did it).
Cooler: The Others live like J. Crew suburbanites in Fantasy Island-style bungalows on the far other side of the island. This is not what the Cheese Fry was expecting. And yet it makes sense somehow. The twists just keep on coming.
Coolest: Seeing the frightening crash of Oceanic 815 from the ground in a shaky long shot, showing how the plane broke up in midair without any clear reason for doing so (reinforcing the idea that it was the island’s big magnetic pulse the did it).
"Previously on Battlestar Galactica..."
"Lay Down Your Burdens" (Parts 1 and 2)
Cool: For the first time, we see what it looks like to do an FTL jump from inside a ship.
Cooler: Roslin, typically a paragon of morality, comes very close to stuffing the ballot box and stealing the election from Baltar. Even better, the episode initially suggests this coup is being carried out by Tigh and Duella without her knowledge. And then comes the bombshell when Roslin admits to Adama she personally okayed it. That’s gold.
Great ending: This may be one of television’s best season enders ever, right up there with J.R. getting shot. After Baltar wins the election, the action flash forwards an entire year to show the characters in completely new situations and relationships on New Caprica. Apollo’s gotten fat and wants nothing to do with Starbuck. Tyrol and Cally are a couple. Starbuck’s mended fences with Tigh. Baltar’s president lounges around Colonial One like Ceasar. And Adama’s got a 1970 porn star mustache. Oh yeah, and then they Cylons return. This is one ballsy story decision from which there is no going back.
Huh?: We get another healthy dose of Cylon religion mumbo-jumbo with an extended subplot involving Tyrol’s psychoanalysis-slash-religious-counciling by annoying Brother Cavil. More troubling, Cavil’s later revealed to be a Cylon which means we’ll have to see more of him.
Best Line: “I’m going to wipe the floor with you, Gaius.” – Roslin, all bad ass steely eyes and clenched jaw, to Baltar after he makes his surprise presidential candidacy announcement.
Cool: For the first time, we see what it looks like to do an FTL jump from inside a ship.
Cooler: Roslin, typically a paragon of morality, comes very close to stuffing the ballot box and stealing the election from Baltar. Even better, the episode initially suggests this coup is being carried out by Tigh and Duella without her knowledge. And then comes the bombshell when Roslin admits to Adama she personally okayed it. That’s gold.
Great ending: This may be one of television’s best season enders ever, right up there with J.R. getting shot. After Baltar wins the election, the action flash forwards an entire year to show the characters in completely new situations and relationships on New Caprica. Apollo’s gotten fat and wants nothing to do with Starbuck. Tyrol and Cally are a couple. Starbuck’s mended fences with Tigh. Baltar’s president lounges around Colonial One like Ceasar. And Adama’s got a 1970 porn star mustache. Oh yeah, and then they Cylons return. This is one ballsy story decision from which there is no going back.
Huh?: We get another healthy dose of Cylon religion mumbo-jumbo with an extended subplot involving Tyrol’s psychoanalysis-slash-religious-counciling by annoying Brother Cavil. More troubling, Cavil’s later revealed to be a Cylon which means we’ll have to see more of him.
Best Line: “I’m going to wipe the floor with you, Gaius.” – Roslin, all bad ass steely eyes and clenched jaw, to Baltar after he makes his surprise presidential candidacy announcement.
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