1. The good news is that while the set's got an upgrade (don't worry, it's still ridiculously garish), the overall feel of the show remains exactly the same as the Barker era. That includes the iconic handheld wand microphone.
2. Drew Carey is certainly having a good time, it seems, especially the way he's willing to share a laugh with the contestant...
3. ...but he also seems a little nervous. Fidgety. He keeps dipping one hand into his coat pocket where he keeps the "actual retail price" for the contestants' row bids.
4. He certainly lacks the effortlessly smooth polish of Bob Barker. Doing several thousand shows can probably takes some of the edges off.
5. Carey also misses a chance to pay respect to Barker. Introducing a game called Barker's Bargain Barn, Carey tries to make a joke and say it's named after the founder of the show Ezekial Barker. It's almost like Roger Moore giving Sean Connery the finger. A weird moment.
6. CBS hired Carey to pursue a younger audience. We'll have to wait and see if it works.
10.10.2007
Top 10 "Gilligan's Island" episodes
1. The one with the active volcano that the Professor hopes to seal up using a gourd bomb with a bamboo timer. (“Operation: Steam Heat”)
2. The one with the experimental robot the castaways train to walk all the way to Hawaii underwater. (“Gilligan’s Living Doll”)
3. The one where the castaways eat vegetables grown from radioactive seeds, giving them supernatural powers – Lovey gets double-time energy from beets, Gilligan gets superhero strength from spinach, Mary Ann gets incredible eyesight from carrots. (“Pass the Vegetables Please”)
4. The one where the big radioactive meteor crashes on the island and the Professor rigs up those weird all-silver suits so he, the Skipper, and Gilligan can investigate. (“Meet the Meteor”)
5. The one where Gilligan’s hunted by big-game hunter Jonathan Kincaid ala “The Most Dangerous Game.” (“The Hunter”)
6. The one with the ancient stone tablets that show a secret way off the island. The best episode button in the series: when the castaways realize Gilligan’s had the last missing tablet piece all along - using it as a serving tray - he’s so excited that he drops and breaks it into a million pieces. Fade out. Classic. (“The Secret of Gilligan’s Island”)
7. The one where Gilligan falls asleep when he’s supposed to be keeping an eye on the castaways’ precious oranges (The Professor: “Those tiki torches must stay lit!”). (“V for Vitamins”)
8. The one where Gilligan knocks some burning logs out of whack so an orbiting pair of astronauts see a message on the island reading S.O.L., not S.O.S. (“Splashdown”)
9. The one where Gilligan’s likeness appears at the top of a headhunter totem pole. Ever notice how many headhunter tribes there were in that part of the Pacific? (“High Man on the Totem Pole”)
10. The one where a mad scientist uses a mad-scientist-type contraption to switch the castaways’ personalities. Perhaps the most ridiculous episode in a ridiculous television series – shamelessly implausible. (“The Friendly Physician”)
2. The one with the experimental robot the castaways train to walk all the way to Hawaii underwater. (“Gilligan’s Living Doll”)
3. The one where the castaways eat vegetables grown from radioactive seeds, giving them supernatural powers – Lovey gets double-time energy from beets, Gilligan gets superhero strength from spinach, Mary Ann gets incredible eyesight from carrots. (“Pass the Vegetables Please”)
4. The one where the big radioactive meteor crashes on the island and the Professor rigs up those weird all-silver suits so he, the Skipper, and Gilligan can investigate. (“Meet the Meteor”)
5. The one where Gilligan’s hunted by big-game hunter Jonathan Kincaid ala “The Most Dangerous Game.” (“The Hunter”)
6. The one with the ancient stone tablets that show a secret way off the island. The best episode button in the series: when the castaways realize Gilligan’s had the last missing tablet piece all along - using it as a serving tray - he’s so excited that he drops and breaks it into a million pieces. Fade out. Classic. (“The Secret of Gilligan’s Island”)
7. The one where Gilligan falls asleep when he’s supposed to be keeping an eye on the castaways’ precious oranges (The Professor: “Those tiki torches must stay lit!”). (“V for Vitamins”)
8. The one where Gilligan knocks some burning logs out of whack so an orbiting pair of astronauts see a message on the island reading S.O.L., not S.O.S. (“Splashdown”)
9. The one where Gilligan’s likeness appears at the top of a headhunter totem pole. Ever notice how many headhunter tribes there were in that part of the Pacific? (“High Man on the Totem Pole”)
10. The one where a mad scientist uses a mad-scientist-type contraption to switch the castaways’ personalities. Perhaps the most ridiculous episode in a ridiculous television series – shamelessly implausible. (“The Friendly Physician”)
10.04.2007
Knee-jerk Round-up
The Kingdom
1. An interesting movie in that it tries to have it both ways - inciting some simple-minded, anti-Arab American bloodlust with the shoot-em-up gunfights while also suggesting that the Middle East situation is, like, you know, complex with by daring to show the Saudis are people, too. The action movie meets the arthouse drama. It doesn't quite succeed at either. But you have to give it points to trying.
2. The Cheese Fry isn't sure what the big deal is with Jennifer Garner.
3. No way they surive that alleyway ambush. Seriously.
4. Chris Cooper always gives an interesting performance.
5. Inside joke: Jamie Foxx gives an onscreen shout-out to his real hometown of Terrell, Texas. Yee haw, y'all.
6. Clever bit: you can always spot a bombmaker because he's missing fingers.
7. Nice set-up and pay-off with the lollipops.
8. Don't you wish in the real world someone would insult the U.S. Attorney General like that?
The Brave One
1. That one scene in the cafeteria with Jodie Foster and Terrence Howard is worth the price of admission. Brilliantly written, directed, acted. One of those great scenes where what they're talking about isn't what they're really talking about.
2 Nicky Katt's always fun to watch.
3. Not exactly sure what point this movie is making about vigilantism. It may destroy your psychic soul, but some thugs deserve it anyway? Don't try this at home because it's bad, but have a good time watching someone else do it?
4. The ending pretty much goes off the rail and undermines a lot of what we've known about the two main characters. Disappointing. Going or the big catharsis whether it makes logical sense or not.
5. It may be flawed, but the movie's better and more intelligent than most films. Jodie Foster - with the exception of 2005's unfortunate Flightplan - knows how to pick projects.
6. "I want my dog back." Cheesy, predictable, eye-rolling money line. And very effective.
7. The brutal attack that starts the movie is very tough to watch. We get it, the bad guys are bad and deserve Jodie's wrath. Enough is enough. Have mercy on us, director Neil Jordan.
8. Come on, seriously? Jodie Foster's occupation is a talk show commentator?! Yeah, that's an everyman sort of job. No one in movies are ever databasemanagers or air condition repairmen.
3:10 to Yuma
1. One of the best movies of the year. Oscar worthy, people. For real.
2. The ending may stretch credibility in some ways, but as a Cheese Fry colleague noted, you really do have to look at it as myth or melodrama. This is a big story of Good and Evil told on a big, sprawling canvas. It's not a documentary.
3. Russell Crowe is very good. But Christian Bale is even better - and he's got the less showy role.
4. Get thee to a cinema and see it.
The Invasion
1. If you want to make a zombie movie, make a zombie movie. Don't be ashamed. Don't dress it up as a pod person movie. You're not fooling anyone.
2. We've seen all of this before - and done much better. Case in point: the projectile vomiting of the infected, which is a steal from 28 Days Later.
3. There's something... plastic about Nicole Kidman. And she's getting more and more plastic as the years go by, it seems. The charming humanity of Moulin Rouge is but a distant memory these days.
4. Naturally, the cure to the "invasion" is in the blood of our heroine's son thanks to a rare disease. And her ex-husband is a bigwig at the CDC. Yeah, it's that kind of movie.
5. For about 10 minutes, the film gives you a hint of what it could have been as Nicole Kidman must try to "pass" as a pod person (quietly assisted by other secretly uninfected humans who are "passing") among crowds of pop people by showing no emotion. Truly terrifying.
Sunshine
* All you need to know if this: for the first 3/4 of the movie, this is the kind of smart, suspenseful, plausible science fiction movie they just don't make anymore. It's just this side of brilliant...
* ...and then the wheels come completely off in the final 20 minutes with such unexpected suddenness that you're left completely stunned. Did that just happen? It's a terrible thing to do to a good movie.
* Cillian Murphy is too feminine and weird-looking to be a good guy. You keep figuring he'll snap and kill everyone.
1. An interesting movie in that it tries to have it both ways - inciting some simple-minded, anti-Arab American bloodlust with the shoot-em-up gunfights while also suggesting that the Middle East situation is, like, you know, complex with by daring to show the Saudis are people, too. The action movie meets the arthouse drama. It doesn't quite succeed at either. But you have to give it points to trying.
2. The Cheese Fry isn't sure what the big deal is with Jennifer Garner.
3. No way they surive that alleyway ambush. Seriously.
4. Chris Cooper always gives an interesting performance.
5. Inside joke: Jamie Foxx gives an onscreen shout-out to his real hometown of Terrell, Texas. Yee haw, y'all.
6. Clever bit: you can always spot a bombmaker because he's missing fingers.
7. Nice set-up and pay-off with the lollipops.
8. Don't you wish in the real world someone would insult the U.S. Attorney General like that?
The Brave One
1. That one scene in the cafeteria with Jodie Foster and Terrence Howard is worth the price of admission. Brilliantly written, directed, acted. One of those great scenes where what they're talking about isn't what they're really talking about.
2 Nicky Katt's always fun to watch.
3. Not exactly sure what point this movie is making about vigilantism. It may destroy your psychic soul, but some thugs deserve it anyway? Don't try this at home because it's bad, but have a good time watching someone else do it?
4. The ending pretty much goes off the rail and undermines a lot of what we've known about the two main characters. Disappointing. Going or the big catharsis whether it makes logical sense or not.
5. It may be flawed, but the movie's better and more intelligent than most films. Jodie Foster - with the exception of 2005's unfortunate Flightplan - knows how to pick projects.
6. "I want my dog back." Cheesy, predictable, eye-rolling money line. And very effective.
7. The brutal attack that starts the movie is very tough to watch. We get it, the bad guys are bad and deserve Jodie's wrath. Enough is enough. Have mercy on us, director Neil Jordan.
8. Come on, seriously? Jodie Foster's occupation is a talk show commentator?! Yeah, that's an everyman sort of job. No one in movies are ever databasemanagers or air condition repairmen.
3:10 to Yuma
1. One of the best movies of the year. Oscar worthy, people. For real.
2. The ending may stretch credibility in some ways, but as a Cheese Fry colleague noted, you really do have to look at it as myth or melodrama. This is a big story of Good and Evil told on a big, sprawling canvas. It's not a documentary.
3. Russell Crowe is very good. But Christian Bale is even better - and he's got the less showy role.
4. Get thee to a cinema and see it.
The Invasion
1. If you want to make a zombie movie, make a zombie movie. Don't be ashamed. Don't dress it up as a pod person movie. You're not fooling anyone.
2. We've seen all of this before - and done much better. Case in point: the projectile vomiting of the infected, which is a steal from 28 Days Later.
3. There's something... plastic about Nicole Kidman. And she's getting more and more plastic as the years go by, it seems. The charming humanity of Moulin Rouge is but a distant memory these days.
4. Naturally, the cure to the "invasion" is in the blood of our heroine's son thanks to a rare disease. And her ex-husband is a bigwig at the CDC. Yeah, it's that kind of movie.
5. For about 10 minutes, the film gives you a hint of what it could have been as Nicole Kidman must try to "pass" as a pod person (quietly assisted by other secretly uninfected humans who are "passing") among crowds of pop people by showing no emotion. Truly terrifying.
Sunshine
* All you need to know if this: for the first 3/4 of the movie, this is the kind of smart, suspenseful, plausible science fiction movie they just don't make anymore. It's just this side of brilliant...
* ...and then the wheels come completely off in the final 20 minutes with such unexpected suddenness that you're left completely stunned. Did that just happen? It's a terrible thing to do to a good movie.
* Cillian Murphy is too feminine and weird-looking to be a good guy. You keep figuring he'll snap and kill everyone.
8.26.2007
Top 10 "Brady Bunch" Episodes
1. The one with the cursed Hawaiian tiki, Greg's surfing wipe-out, and the spider crawling on Peter. ("Pass the Tabu")
2. The one where everyone covers for Peter's crime of breaking a vase. Mom always said don't play ball in the house. ("Confessions Confessions")
3. The one where the kids sing "Keep On" and "It's A Sunshine Day" in matching outfits and with choreography for a TV talent show. ("Amateur Nite")
4. The one where Peter tries to defend lisping Cindy against the taunts of nerdy bully Buddy, who says "baby talk baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk." ("A Fistful of Reasons")
5. The one where Marcia gets smacked in the nose with a football and her date dumps her. Oh, my nose! ("The Subject Was Noses")
6. The one where Cindy can only bring one parent to her school play. What kind of sick school is this? ("Eenie Meenie Mommy Daddy")
7. The one where Marcia's slumber party gets cancelled because a horrible picture she drew of George Washington is mistaken as a caricature of her teacher, which gets her in trouble with the principal. Considering she's a straight-A student, it's awful how, like, no one believes Marcia when she says she's innocent. What kind of sick school is this? ("The Slumber Caper")
8. The one where Carol gets taken to court over a fender-bender and Mike saves the day by throwing his briefcase on the floor and proving the plaintiff is faking his injury. ("The Fender Benders")
9. The one where Bobby's inexplicably obsessed with Jesse James and Mike manages to track down someone whose parents were killed by James. What a show off. ("Bobby's Hero")
10. The one where the rival high school jock uses Marcia to get a chance to steal Greg's playbook. Only in 1973... on television. ("Quarterback Sneak")
2. The one where everyone covers for Peter's crime of breaking a vase. Mom always said don't play ball in the house. ("Confessions Confessions")
3. The one where the kids sing "Keep On" and "It's A Sunshine Day" in matching outfits and with choreography for a TV talent show. ("Amateur Nite")
4. The one where Peter tries to defend lisping Cindy against the taunts of nerdy bully Buddy, who says "baby talk baby talk, it's a wonder you can walk." ("A Fistful of Reasons")
5. The one where Marcia gets smacked in the nose with a football and her date dumps her. Oh, my nose! ("The Subject Was Noses")
6. The one where Cindy can only bring one parent to her school play. What kind of sick school is this? ("Eenie Meenie Mommy Daddy")
7. The one where Marcia's slumber party gets cancelled because a horrible picture she drew of George Washington is mistaken as a caricature of her teacher, which gets her in trouble with the principal. Considering she's a straight-A student, it's awful how, like, no one believes Marcia when she says she's innocent. What kind of sick school is this? ("The Slumber Caper")
8. The one where Carol gets taken to court over a fender-bender and Mike saves the day by throwing his briefcase on the floor and proving the plaintiff is faking his injury. ("The Fender Benders")
9. The one where Bobby's inexplicably obsessed with Jesse James and Mike manages to track down someone whose parents were killed by James. What a show off. ("Bobby's Hero")
10. The one where the rival high school jock uses Marcia to get a chance to steal Greg's playbook. Only in 1973... on television. ("Quarterback Sneak")
Cassette tape rewind: Sophomore year
When The Cheese Fry was but a tater tot entering the 10th grade in the fall of 1987 and considering such topics as Algebra II and Economics, the following songs were on the Billboard Hot 100. The soundtrack of Generation X, whether on MTV or your local Kiss-FM radio station. Issue date: August 29, 1987.
1. Los Lobos "La Bamba" - Here's a song no one's likely clamoring to hear again. They played it a whole lot on the radio. But it sure came in handy in Spanish class when you had to recite a Spanish poem from memory. Mr. Hidalgo let us use this song.
2. Madonna "Who's That Girl" - Forgettable song from a forgettable movie.
3. Richard Marx "Don't Mean Nothing" - There's undeniably a guilty pleasure aspect to the repertoire of Mr. Marx's cheesy college-creative-writing-class lyrics, "tender" sensibility, and perfectly arranged power chords. This was his first hit; his prom power ballads ("Hold Onto the Night" and "Right Here Waiting") hadn't yet invaded our culture. "Don't Mean Nothing" is his most interesting song, cynically exploring the many ways that Hollywood screws artists over.
4. Suzanne Vega "Luka" - We can all agree that this is an Important Song, but do you really want to ever hear it again? The radio played the hell out of this. Luka lives on the second floor, upstairs from you, perhaps you've seen him before. Yadda yadda. We get it. And in hindsight, it's really pretentious.
5. Debbie Gibson "Only In My Dreams" - Textbook 1980s bubble-gum pop, all synthesizers and drum machines.
6. Michael Jackson "I Just Can't Stop Loving You" - Kind of hard to enjoy Michael Jackson music these days (exception: "Thriller" and "Billie Jean") knowing What We Know Now.
7. The Whispers "Rock Steady" - The first surprise of the list, one of those catchy R&B funk songs that you forgot how much you liked until someone reminds you of it. "And we begin to rock (dee-deeee) steady... steady rockin' all night long." Good stuff.
8. Whitney Houston "Didn't We Almost Have It All" - Typical Whitney ballad. Boring verses, great chorus. Whatever.
9. Starship "It's Not Over (Til It's Over)" - Seriously?
10. Dan Hill and Vonda Shepard "Can't We Try" - Very VH1.
11. U2 "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" - The only song on this list considered today to be a classic. Those guys are the real deal, it seems. The perfect song representative of The Joshua Tree.
12. Dionne Warwink "Love Power" - We don't remember it, either.
13. George Michael "I Want Your Sex" - If you were going to put a 1980s mix tape in a time capsule, this song would have to be on it. So tame now, but it created a firestorm of controversy when it first hit the airwaves. And the jingle-jangle, woodblock backbeat still seems fresh.
14. Huey Lewis and the News "Doing It All For My Baby" - We all know Huey Lewis plateaued with the Sports LP. But an argument could be made for "Hip to Be Square." Maybe.
15. Whitesnake "Here I Go Again" - Hell yeah. Make the devil horns! One of the few on the list that could easily go back into heavy rotation on the radio.
1. Los Lobos "La Bamba" - Here's a song no one's likely clamoring to hear again. They played it a whole lot on the radio. But it sure came in handy in Spanish class when you had to recite a Spanish poem from memory. Mr. Hidalgo let us use this song.
2. Madonna "Who's That Girl" - Forgettable song from a forgettable movie.
3. Richard Marx "Don't Mean Nothing" - There's undeniably a guilty pleasure aspect to the repertoire of Mr. Marx's cheesy college-creative-writing-class lyrics, "tender" sensibility, and perfectly arranged power chords. This was his first hit; his prom power ballads ("Hold Onto the Night" and "Right Here Waiting") hadn't yet invaded our culture. "Don't Mean Nothing" is his most interesting song, cynically exploring the many ways that Hollywood screws artists over.
4. Suzanne Vega "Luka" - We can all agree that this is an Important Song, but do you really want to ever hear it again? The radio played the hell out of this. Luka lives on the second floor, upstairs from you, perhaps you've seen him before. Yadda yadda. We get it. And in hindsight, it's really pretentious.
5. Debbie Gibson "Only In My Dreams" - Textbook 1980s bubble-gum pop, all synthesizers and drum machines.
6. Michael Jackson "I Just Can't Stop Loving You" - Kind of hard to enjoy Michael Jackson music these days (exception: "Thriller" and "Billie Jean") knowing What We Know Now.
7. The Whispers "Rock Steady" - The first surprise of the list, one of those catchy R&B funk songs that you forgot how much you liked until someone reminds you of it. "And we begin to rock (dee-deeee) steady... steady rockin' all night long." Good stuff.
8. Whitney Houston "Didn't We Almost Have It All" - Typical Whitney ballad. Boring verses, great chorus. Whatever.
9. Starship "It's Not Over (Til It's Over)" - Seriously?
10. Dan Hill and Vonda Shepard "Can't We Try" - Very VH1.
11. U2 "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" - The only song on this list considered today to be a classic. Those guys are the real deal, it seems. The perfect song representative of The Joshua Tree.
12. Dionne Warwink "Love Power" - We don't remember it, either.
13. George Michael "I Want Your Sex" - If you were going to put a 1980s mix tape in a time capsule, this song would have to be on it. So tame now, but it created a firestorm of controversy when it first hit the airwaves. And the jingle-jangle, woodblock backbeat still seems fresh.
14. Huey Lewis and the News "Doing It All For My Baby" - We all know Huey Lewis plateaued with the Sports LP. But an argument could be made for "Hip to Be Square." Maybe.
15. Whitesnake "Here I Go Again" - Hell yeah. Make the devil horns! One of the few on the list that could easily go back into heavy rotation on the radio.
Knee-jerk review: "Superbad"
1. One word: McLovin.
2. Jonah Hill's Seth may be the more aggressively wise-cracking character (think Vince Vaughn as a high school loser), but it's the quietly stammering drollness of Michael Cera's Seth that carries the movie. He's hilarious.
3. Dig those opening credits, baby. Bonus points for the retro 1970s Columbia Pictures logo.
4. Though Judd Apatow didn't direct this film, it's definitely got his R-rated sensibility. Like this summer's Knocked Up, which Apatow did direct, the language here is exceedingly profane. The f-bombs (and c-bombs - since when did that supplant the d-word to describe the prime male reproductive organ?) come fast and furious to the point that it goes from distracting to annoying. Do high school kids really talk like this? They sure didn't in the late 80s.
5. The middle of the movie drags. You really want the guys to make it to the house party already to find out what happens with the girls they're pursuing.
6. But the real problem with the middle of the movie are the cop characters played by Seth Roger and Bill Hader. They're funny, yes, but they belong in another film. They're every bit as cartoony and over-the-top as Seth and Evan are realistic and utterly plausible. This is a movie with some serious tonal problems. Just because something's funny doesn't mean it belongs in the movie.
7. Extra credit to the filmmakers for making Jules an unexpected teetotaler, even if it feels rather implausible.
8. After all the gross-out humor and explicit gutter talk, the ending is surprising sweet and earnest. The last scene involving an escalator is especially satisfying as our heroes finally consider the possibility of a future in which one's best friend is someone of the opposite gender.
9. Let's say it one more time: McLovin.
2. Jonah Hill's Seth may be the more aggressively wise-cracking character (think Vince Vaughn as a high school loser), but it's the quietly stammering drollness of Michael Cera's Seth that carries the movie. He's hilarious.
3. Dig those opening credits, baby. Bonus points for the retro 1970s Columbia Pictures logo.
4. Though Judd Apatow didn't direct this film, it's definitely got his R-rated sensibility. Like this summer's Knocked Up, which Apatow did direct, the language here is exceedingly profane. The f-bombs (and c-bombs - since when did that supplant the d-word to describe the prime male reproductive organ?) come fast and furious to the point that it goes from distracting to annoying. Do high school kids really talk like this? They sure didn't in the late 80s.
5. The middle of the movie drags. You really want the guys to make it to the house party already to find out what happens with the girls they're pursuing.
6. But the real problem with the middle of the movie are the cop characters played by Seth Roger and Bill Hader. They're funny, yes, but they belong in another film. They're every bit as cartoony and over-the-top as Seth and Evan are realistic and utterly plausible. This is a movie with some serious tonal problems. Just because something's funny doesn't mean it belongs in the movie.
7. Extra credit to the filmmakers for making Jules an unexpected teetotaler, even if it feels rather implausible.
8. After all the gross-out humor and explicit gutter talk, the ending is surprising sweet and earnest. The last scene involving an escalator is especially satisfying as our heroes finally consider the possibility of a future in which one's best friend is someone of the opposite gender.
9. Let's say it one more time: McLovin.
8.12.2007
Knee-jerk review: "The Bourne Ultimatum"
1. Jason Bourne is a bad ass. End of story.
2. Director Paul Greengrass demands our complete attention. He also delivered 2004's locomotive The Bourne Supremacy (which surely influenced the decision to strip down the James Bond character in Casino Royale) and 2006's harrowing United 93. This guy has the goods.
3. Poetic symmetry in the way this film ends with a watery shot reminiscent of the beginning of the first film, 2002's The Bourne Supremacy.
4. David Strathairn is always a pleasure. Even when he's stuck barking all those cheesy spy-movie dialogue cliches.
5. Considering the non-stop action, the film is curiously bloodless. Less so, it seems, than the first two films. Yet a quick check of IMDB surprisingly confirms that all three films received a PG-13 rating. The Bourne Ultimatum is all car crashes and fistfights and footchases. One shooting death, one death by explosion. That's just about it for extreme violence. Which serves as a reminder than blood splatters and noisy special-effect squibs aren't always necessary to create satisfying action.
6. Instant classic sequence: Bourne trying desperately to shepherd to safety Paddy Considine's reporter in a crowded train station packed with assassins and agents. (Note to self: always follow Bourne's instructions. To the letter.)
7. The Cheese Fry has never been a big Julia Stiles fan, but she looks nice here. Really nice.
8. Nothing good was ever code-named "blackbriar."
9. That Bourne was brainwashed and turned into an assassin is sort of expected... how he "commits to the program" is a shock.
10. Albert Finney is looking old, people.
11. Go see it.
2. Director Paul Greengrass demands our complete attention. He also delivered 2004's locomotive The Bourne Supremacy (which surely influenced the decision to strip down the James Bond character in Casino Royale) and 2006's harrowing United 93. This guy has the goods.
3. Poetic symmetry in the way this film ends with a watery shot reminiscent of the beginning of the first film, 2002's The Bourne Supremacy.
4. David Strathairn is always a pleasure. Even when he's stuck barking all those cheesy spy-movie dialogue cliches.
5. Considering the non-stop action, the film is curiously bloodless. Less so, it seems, than the first two films. Yet a quick check of IMDB surprisingly confirms that all three films received a PG-13 rating. The Bourne Ultimatum is all car crashes and fistfights and footchases. One shooting death, one death by explosion. That's just about it for extreme violence. Which serves as a reminder than blood splatters and noisy special-effect squibs aren't always necessary to create satisfying action.
6. Instant classic sequence: Bourne trying desperately to shepherd to safety Paddy Considine's reporter in a crowded train station packed with assassins and agents. (Note to self: always follow Bourne's instructions. To the letter.)
7. The Cheese Fry has never been a big Julia Stiles fan, but she looks nice here. Really nice.
8. Nothing good was ever code-named "blackbriar."
9. That Bourne was brainwashed and turned into an assassin is sort of expected... how he "commits to the program" is a shock.
10. Albert Finney is looking old, people.
11. Go see it.
7.22.2007
Knee-jerk review: "Live Free or Die Hard"
1. That's a pretty lame title.
2. But this is a pretty kick-ass movie.
3. With the possible exception of Harrison Ford in his Indiana Jones prime, no actor can take a beating quite like Bruce Willis. It never takes long for Willis' John McClane to get bruised and bloody and covered in a film of sweat and grease. He always seems to be just barely hanging on...
4. ...then again, the McClane character has by now proven to be wholly indestructible. There's no hopelessly dead-end situation that he can't somehow manage to wriggle out of at the last possible moment (see also: "jumping off a high-rise building tied to a fire hose" and "using an ejector seat to avoid hand grenades"). With this film in particular there's a clear connection to the 1930s cliffhanger serials. You know he'll get out of it - you're just not always sure how.
5. Maggie Q is exceedingly hot, just in case there was any debate.
6. It's hard to remember a movie with this many scenes of people typing on computer keyboards and staring into computer screens with colorful, sleek graphics that only exist in Hollywood movies.
7. Here's how The Cheese Fry rates the Die Hard movies: 1) 1988's perfect Die Hard, 2) 2007's Live Free or Die Hard, 3) 1990's over-the-top Die Hard 2, and 4) 1995's abominable and essentially unwatchable Die Hard with a Vengeance.
8. The PG-13 rating feels a bit awkward, what with the many bloodless shooting deaths and the clumsy use of "jerkoff" as a curse word. It's a wonder McClane's trademark "yippe-ki-yay" line got to stay in.
9. The action scenes here certainly do strain credulity at times (note the spectacular but silly truck/plane fight or the SUV-in-an-elevator-shaft sequence), but this is without question the best pure action film since Casino Royale. And much of it is fairly cleverly plotted, one move ricocheting into another and spinning things out of control.
10. Justin Long, the guy from the PC/Mac ads, is much better than you'd expect as McClane's reluctant sidekick. He fares much better than Samuel L. Jackson did as the sidekick in Die Hard with a Vengeance.
2. But this is a pretty kick-ass movie.
3. With the possible exception of Harrison Ford in his Indiana Jones prime, no actor can take a beating quite like Bruce Willis. It never takes long for Willis' John McClane to get bruised and bloody and covered in a film of sweat and grease. He always seems to be just barely hanging on...
4. ...then again, the McClane character has by now proven to be wholly indestructible. There's no hopelessly dead-end situation that he can't somehow manage to wriggle out of at the last possible moment (see also: "jumping off a high-rise building tied to a fire hose" and "using an ejector seat to avoid hand grenades"). With this film in particular there's a clear connection to the 1930s cliffhanger serials. You know he'll get out of it - you're just not always sure how.
5. Maggie Q is exceedingly hot, just in case there was any debate.
6. It's hard to remember a movie with this many scenes of people typing on computer keyboards and staring into computer screens with colorful, sleek graphics that only exist in Hollywood movies.
7. Here's how The Cheese Fry rates the Die Hard movies: 1) 1988's perfect Die Hard, 2) 2007's Live Free or Die Hard, 3) 1990's over-the-top Die Hard 2, and 4) 1995's abominable and essentially unwatchable Die Hard with a Vengeance.
8. The PG-13 rating feels a bit awkward, what with the many bloodless shooting deaths and the clumsy use of "jerkoff" as a curse word. It's a wonder McClane's trademark "yippe-ki-yay" line got to stay in.
9. The action scenes here certainly do strain credulity at times (note the spectacular but silly truck/plane fight or the SUV-in-an-elevator-shaft sequence), but this is without question the best pure action film since Casino Royale. And much of it is fairly cleverly plotted, one move ricocheting into another and spinning things out of control.
10. Justin Long, the guy from the PC/Mac ads, is much better than you'd expect as McClane's reluctant sidekick. He fares much better than Samuel L. Jackson did as the sidekick in Die Hard with a Vengeance.
7.15.2007
"So You Think You Can Dance" shagging odds
Jaimie and Hok, 3:1
Sabra and Dominic, 5:2
Sara and Pasha, 6:1
Lacey and Kameron, 10:1
Lauren and Neil, 30:1
Anya and Danny, 500:1
Sabra and Dominic, 5:2
Sara and Pasha, 6:1
Lacey and Kameron, 10:1
Lauren and Neil, 30:1
Anya and Danny, 500:1
Knee-jerk review: "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix"
1. It's fun to see Gary Oldman channeling his considerable thespian energy into playing a heroic character like Sirius Black. He is the man.
2. This is a pretty dark movie.
3. Yes, Imelda Staunton as Dolores Umbridge steals the whole movie, her sweet smiles and cheery sing-song voice hiding some very scary, very fascist aspirations. This story is a product of post-9/11 jackboot politics, with the Ministry of Magic suggesting that anyone who dares disagree with its myopic, misguided policies is "disloyal."
4. A close runner-up to Staunton is Evanna Lynch's creepily oddball character Luna Lovegood. She's hilarious.
5. For the uninitated, there's quite a bit of dialogue and backstory that can get pretty confusing, especially in the first 15 minutes or so.
6. How cool would it be if Patronus Charms were real and you could use them to whack pretentious snob jackasses who text-messages during a movie like Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? Whoever you are, Mr. Porkpie-Hat-and-Plain-White-T, be glad I'm not a wizard.
7. Alan Rickman seems to enjoy the brooding character of Severus Snape.
8. The Cheese Fry, as uninformed as it may be when it comes to the Potter universe, still maintains that it's very possible that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father, a la Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.
9. Emma Watson isn't legal yet (she's 17), so stop thinking what you're thinking.
10. The ending gets a little bit protracted with all of the swooshing special effect sparks and lightning and clouds, though it is invigorating to see Harry and his classmates band together to fight the bad guys.
11. In a world that's so consistently creative and clever, there's a tired quality to this business about Harry's mind being invaded by Voldemort. Been there, done that.
12. Harry gets the best line of the movie as Dolores Umbridge meets her fate.
13. What does Harry see in Cho Chang?
14. All in all, not as entertaining and magical as Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but still solid.
2. This is a pretty dark movie.
3. Yes, Imelda Staunton as Dolores Umbridge steals the whole movie, her sweet smiles and cheery sing-song voice hiding some very scary, very fascist aspirations. This story is a product of post-9/11 jackboot politics, with the Ministry of Magic suggesting that anyone who dares disagree with its myopic, misguided policies is "disloyal."
4. A close runner-up to Staunton is Evanna Lynch's creepily oddball character Luna Lovegood. She's hilarious.
5. For the uninitated, there's quite a bit of dialogue and backstory that can get pretty confusing, especially in the first 15 minutes or so.
6. How cool would it be if Patronus Charms were real and you could use them to whack pretentious snob jackasses who text-messages during a movie like Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? Whoever you are, Mr. Porkpie-Hat-and-Plain-White-T, be glad I'm not a wizard.
7. Alan Rickman seems to enjoy the brooding character of Severus Snape.
8. The Cheese Fry, as uninformed as it may be when it comes to the Potter universe, still maintains that it's very possible that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father, a la Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.
9. Emma Watson isn't legal yet (she's 17), so stop thinking what you're thinking.
10. The ending gets a little bit protracted with all of the swooshing special effect sparks and lightning and clouds, though it is invigorating to see Harry and his classmates band together to fight the bad guys.
11. In a world that's so consistently creative and clever, there's a tired quality to this business about Harry's mind being invaded by Voldemort. Been there, done that.
12. Harry gets the best line of the movie as Dolores Umbridge meets her fate.
13. What does Harry see in Cho Chang?
14. All in all, not as entertaining and magical as Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, but still solid.
6.12.2007
Knee-jerk review: "Ocean's Thirteen"
1. Is it Ocean's 13 or Ocean's Thirteen?
2. A lot of what happens in the movie just doesn't make a lot of logical sense. You just have to go with it. If the filmmakers say some chemical doo-dad that Matt Damon's character wears will make the Ellen Barkin character swoon with unquenchable lust, so be it. But it often goes beyond that. There's also a lot of plot points here that hinge on happenstance that simply could not have been predicted or planned for, not even by seasoned con men like this.
3. The movie's a lot of fun, but very long. We really didn't need the Mexican worker strike.
4. No matter how many times The Cheese Fry saw Brad Pitt and Matt Damon talk in the TV spots about how "the nose plays," it's still damn funny. And you know what? The nose does play.
5. Two very funny Oprah Winfrey gags.
6. With their silky smiles and perfectly-fitted designer wardrobe, George Clooner and Brad Pitt make it all seem so effortless. Bastards.
7. The cinematography - it's director Steven Soderbergh working as his own DP under the psuedonym Peter Andrews - is spectacular, all strange contrasting colors and lights. It's like looking at paintings.
8. Ellen Barkin's great, true, but we could have used a few more women.
9. The premise, you have to admit, is very clever: instead of stealing from a casino, the boys rig the games so that the house loses, thereby punishing the very tan bad guy Al Pacino.
10. The Don Cheadle as the Robby Knievel-style daredevil bit didn't work.
11. The mug shot morphing that happened in that same scene, however, did work. Hilarious.
12. In the end, this is a movie with charm and style to burn. The epitome of cool. And so the film's chief strength is also its chief weakness - it's all sizzle and no steak. These aren't characters so much as chess pieces to be moved here and there to wow us with the film's narrative gymnastics. The pleasure doesn't come from worrying if Danny Ocean and his ever expanding crew will succeed. They're so ridiculously unflappable that success is essentially a given. The only pleasure to be had instead comes from seeing how this mousetrap contraption - which consists of a great many moving parts (did we mention the diamond necklaces that also have to be stolen?) - will work together.
2. A lot of what happens in the movie just doesn't make a lot of logical sense. You just have to go with it. If the filmmakers say some chemical doo-dad that Matt Damon's character wears will make the Ellen Barkin character swoon with unquenchable lust, so be it. But it often goes beyond that. There's also a lot of plot points here that hinge on happenstance that simply could not have been predicted or planned for, not even by seasoned con men like this.
3. The movie's a lot of fun, but very long. We really didn't need the Mexican worker strike.
4. No matter how many times The Cheese Fry saw Brad Pitt and Matt Damon talk in the TV spots about how "the nose plays," it's still damn funny. And you know what? The nose does play.
5. Two very funny Oprah Winfrey gags.
6. With their silky smiles and perfectly-fitted designer wardrobe, George Clooner and Brad Pitt make it all seem so effortless. Bastards.
7. The cinematography - it's director Steven Soderbergh working as his own DP under the psuedonym Peter Andrews - is spectacular, all strange contrasting colors and lights. It's like looking at paintings.
8. Ellen Barkin's great, true, but we could have used a few more women.
9. The premise, you have to admit, is very clever: instead of stealing from a casino, the boys rig the games so that the house loses, thereby punishing the very tan bad guy Al Pacino.
10. The Don Cheadle as the Robby Knievel-style daredevil bit didn't work.
11. The mug shot morphing that happened in that same scene, however, did work. Hilarious.
12. In the end, this is a movie with charm and style to burn. The epitome of cool. And so the film's chief strength is also its chief weakness - it's all sizzle and no steak. These aren't characters so much as chess pieces to be moved here and there to wow us with the film's narrative gymnastics. The pleasure doesn't come from worrying if Danny Ocean and his ever expanding crew will succeed. They're so ridiculously unflappable that success is essentially a given. The only pleasure to be had instead comes from seeing how this mousetrap contraption - which consists of a great many moving parts (did we mention the diamond necklaces that also have to be stolen?) - will work together.
Cootie Queens and Lint Lickers
Following in the footsteps of Mac vs. PC ("I'm a Mac." "And I'm a PC.") and the Geico cavemen comes another ingeniously oddball commercial that demands repeat viewing.
We're talking, of course, about Orbit Gum's campaign to suggest that its gum is so refreshing that it will clean the dirtiest of mouths. The dirt-eating secretary was funny, yes, but the grand prize surely goes to a spot called "The Affair." You can find it here, here, and here.
Funniest Lines from "The Affair"1. "Who are you calling a cootie queen? You lint-licker!"
2. "Stinky McStink Face."
3. "What the French, toast?"
4. "Pickle you kumquat!"
5. "You Hoboken."
We're talking, of course, about Orbit Gum's campaign to suggest that its gum is so refreshing that it will clean the dirtiest of mouths. The dirt-eating secretary was funny, yes, but the grand prize surely goes to a spot called "The Affair." You can find it here, here, and here.
Funniest Lines from "The Affair"1. "Who are you calling a cootie queen? You lint-licker!"
2. "Stinky McStink Face."
3. "What the French, toast?"
4. "Pickle you kumquat!"
5. "You Hoboken."
6.10.2007
Knee-jerk review: "Knocked Up"
1. Not as consistently hilarious as The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but very funny nonetheless.
2. This probably won't make her a bankable movie star just yet, but Katherine Heigl's definitely well on her way. She's very funny and likable. If anyone could inspire a pothead loser to turn his life around, it'd be her.
3. An added benefit: remembering the late, great, one-season TV shows of director Judd Apatow "Freaks and Geeks" and "Undeclared." Much of the Knocked Up cast worked on one of those (or both).
4. The Cheese Fry has obtained real-world confirmation that for (some) women adultery indeed isn't as grave a crime as lying to one's wife in order to sneak off for a fantasy baseball draft. Incredible but true.
5. Paul Rudd continues to be underrated. Possible best line of the movie: "You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter." Possible runner up: "There are five different kinds of chairs in this hotel room."
6. Who knew Leslie Mann could be this great?
7. Ben's right: who genuinely likes Steely Dan? Who even knows a Steely Dan song?
8. Is that really how you get pink eye? Gross.
9. We bet the "missing gynecologist" sequence feels a little too scary and real, doesn't it, new parents and soon-to-be new parents?
10. There's one quick cutaway shot here that you won't believe.
2. This probably won't make her a bankable movie star just yet, but Katherine Heigl's definitely well on her way. She's very funny and likable. If anyone could inspire a pothead loser to turn his life around, it'd be her.
3. An added benefit: remembering the late, great, one-season TV shows of director Judd Apatow "Freaks and Geeks" and "Undeclared." Much of the Knocked Up cast worked on one of those (or both).
4. The Cheese Fry has obtained real-world confirmation that for (some) women adultery indeed isn't as grave a crime as lying to one's wife in order to sneak off for a fantasy baseball draft. Incredible but true.
5. Paul Rudd continues to be underrated. Possible best line of the movie: "You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter." Possible runner up: "There are five different kinds of chairs in this hotel room."
6. Who knew Leslie Mann could be this great?
7. Ben's right: who genuinely likes Steely Dan? Who even knows a Steely Dan song?
8. Is that really how you get pink eye? Gross.
9. We bet the "missing gynecologist" sequence feels a little too scary and real, doesn't it, new parents and soon-to-be new parents?
10. There's one quick cutaway shot here that you won't believe.
5.27.2007
Knee-jerk review: "28 Weeks Later"
1. The term "kick ass" comes to mind.
2. Now that's what the Cheese Fry calls a kiss of death. When you see the movie, you'll know.
3. Remember that technically these folks are not zombies - they're infected with the rage virus. There is a difference.
4. The director - Juan Carlos Fresnadillo - is definitely someone to watch. This is a movie with lots of energy and style. Fresnadillo shoots many of the action scenes here with shaky, claustrophobic close-ups that makes it impossible to know how close the threats are to the characters (i.e. you're always worried that something bad's looming just out of the frame). This is particularly true of the harrowing opening sequence.
5. But even a satisfying movie like this doesn't always play fair - one major plot point requires that an important and potentially dangerous character be left completely unattended by the authorities in a way that is wholly implausible. Oh well.
6. It's nice to see Jeremy Renner play a good guy. His specialty is usually sweaty, duplicitous punks.
7. The subway night-vision sequence is, shall we say, intense.
8. Yes, one can definitely read this as an allegory of the war in Iraq as the American military in trying to help repopulate England A) puts into place a deeply flawed (and in some ways not very well thought out) occupation plan that backfires in horrible ways and B) ultimately must destroy a city in order to "save" it.
9. The film's better than 28 Days Later, which unfortuately suffered from an awkward, plodding third act involving that military detachment.
2. Now that's what the Cheese Fry calls a kiss of death. When you see the movie, you'll know.
3. Remember that technically these folks are not zombies - they're infected with the rage virus. There is a difference.
4. The director - Juan Carlos Fresnadillo - is definitely someone to watch. This is a movie with lots of energy and style. Fresnadillo shoots many of the action scenes here with shaky, claustrophobic close-ups that makes it impossible to know how close the threats are to the characters (i.e. you're always worried that something bad's looming just out of the frame). This is particularly true of the harrowing opening sequence.
5. But even a satisfying movie like this doesn't always play fair - one major plot point requires that an important and potentially dangerous character be left completely unattended by the authorities in a way that is wholly implausible. Oh well.
6. It's nice to see Jeremy Renner play a good guy. His specialty is usually sweaty, duplicitous punks.
7. The subway night-vision sequence is, shall we say, intense.
8. Yes, one can definitely read this as an allegory of the war in Iraq as the American military in trying to help repopulate England A) puts into place a deeply flawed (and in some ways not very well thought out) occupation plan that backfires in horrible ways and B) ultimately must destroy a city in order to "save" it.
9. The film's better than 28 Days Later, which unfortuately suffered from an awkward, plodding third act involving that military detachment.
Top 6 Lucky Charms (c. 1989)
In order of most to least magically delicious.
1. Green clovers
2. Yellow moons
3. Pink hearts
4. Blue diamonds
5. Orange stars
6. Purple horeshoes
1. Green clovers
2. Yellow moons
3. Pink hearts
4. Blue diamonds
5. Orange stars
6. Purple horeshoes
5.24.2007
Things you probably didn’t know about “The Price Is Right”
* There are people who camp out all night on the filthy sidewalks of Fairfax Avenue just to be assured of a seat. Tents, sleeping bags, ice chests... it's like a Yosemite campground out there. Rumor has it that the line can sometimes be 20 people long at 8pm the night before. At 2:00am, it can be 180 people long.
* The studio (Studio 33, a.k.a. the Bob Barker Studio) seats about 350 people. And yes, it looks much smaller than it does on television. Tiny, in fact. Part of the reason is that the studio's seating is so flat rather than raked. It's like a shoe box.
* Show announcer Rich Fields waves his left arm as he's reading the plugs, urging the audience to clap for the "items up for bid" and the pricing game prizes. He'll also walk out on stage during a pricing game and make an exaggarated "what do you think?" gesture to encourage everyone to start shouting help to the contestants.
* Your hands will get tired from all the clapping. And then you realize you're clapping for an ugly wall clock.
* Each contestant is indeed "interviewed" in the loosest sense of the word prior to show taping. To work through 300 people like this takes about 2 hours. You're set up police line-up style in groups of 12 or so and forced to chat with an unctious contestant coordinator who's equal parts used car salesman and standup comic. After working down the line saying hello and asking a couple of questions, you're dismissed and he confers with his cohort about who made the cut. But with 300 people and only 9 possible slots, the odds ain't so good.
* You know how the contestants on stage will always bend over and peer out at the audience for help like some kind of mental patient? They're trying to see around all the cameras and crew. That stage is tiny enough as it is, but during the show it's crammed full of three big video cameras and maybe 10 crew people. The only empty space is what's in the shot. From the audience you can sometimes barely see the game being played.
* Once a prize is shown on camera and the camera cuts away, stagehands are already wheeling it off. That includes the pricing games. This is probably why the contestants sometimes ask "What kind of car is it?" The doors have already closed on the car in question so the stagehands can start setting up the next game.
* If you're sitting on the left side of the audience, can’t see the showcase turntable where the two final contestants stand and Bob wraps up the show with his "spayed and neutered" line.
* Because the audience is going so nuts at the top of the show - it's hard to even know for sure that the show's started they've got everyone whipped up into such a noisy frenzy - as Rich Fields calls the first four contestants' name, they also hold up with signs with the names spelled out so you can see it if you don't hear it. By the way, during this part of the show, you don't stand up unless your name is called. That's apparently an official rule.
* Before the showcase, Rich and Bob specifically ask the audience to "ooh" and "ahh" over the showcase prizes, rather than simply clap. Weird.
* Between games, when the taping's paused and Bob's talking to the audience and taking questions, a big curtain drops down right in front of contestants' row so no one can see the next game being set up on stage.
* The studio seats aren’t bad – worn red canvas, like what you’d find in an old movie theater.
* A sample of the Barker wit during the commerical "stop downs." Question: "What kind of drink do you like?" Bob: "What have you got?" Question: "What will you miss most when you retire?" Bob: "My money." Question: "Will you sign my shirt?" Bob: "I can't sign your shirt - I’m working here!"
* It's a long and complicated process to sit in the audience. At around 6am, they start handing out pink "Order of Arrival" paper tickets, which are numbered. Then at 7:30am you bring those tickets with you inside CBS to a big holding pen outside the studio. It's covered like a shed. Long benches. Once you're in the shed, they line you up in order of your pink tickets. 1-1-50 over there, 51-100 over here... And slowly now the pages work their way through those lines and, using a black marker, write a number on your actual CBS "Price Is Right" ticket. When this happens you turn in your pink ticket. (The pink ticket seems to be a needless element in the process - why not write on the actual ticket to begin with out on Fairfax?) Now you're free again to leave, but you must come back to the shed at 10:30am. At that point you cannot leave the CBS lot. You're stuck. Speeches are given about the rules and procedures. And then the pages start working their way down the long lines again - everyone's still lined up in order - giving out blue cards with a number and a space to write your name. Then the pages come through again a half hour later and hand out the yellow price tag name badge sticker. By now it's 12:30pm. And then the interviews begin (see above).
* CBS refuses to ever guarantee you a seat. That said, the pages will tell you that getting the iconic yellow price tag name sticker just about “seals the deal.”
* The CBS gift shop - available in the shed to contestants while they wait - is lame. It's just about as lame as the three shelves and two clothes racks that make up the NBC gift shop available to audience members of "The Tonight Show." The networks are missing a prime market here.
* You really do have to witness for yourself the intense cult of Bob Barker to truly appreciate the devotion middle Americans have for this guy.
* Yes, they have one of those old-school applause signs hanging in front of the stage.
* For a moment before someone turns up the sound effect, the Big Wheel's arrow just click-clacks in a very plastic and uninspiring way. But the "dings" of a bid popping up come through loud and clear every time.
* You have to provide a picture ID and a Social Security number to be eligible to be a contestant. And if you actually win a prize, you have 30 days to produce a copy of your actual Social Security card.
* Some enterprising character rents plastic chairs to the all-nighters lined up on Fairfax. Five bucks a chair. Their stack of chairs is about 12 feet tall. Do the math.
* Contestants must use the left-hand stairs to get up on stage because that's the direction the cameras are pointing.
* The studio (Studio 33, a.k.a. the Bob Barker Studio) seats about 350 people. And yes, it looks much smaller than it does on television. Tiny, in fact. Part of the reason is that the studio's seating is so flat rather than raked. It's like a shoe box.
* Show announcer Rich Fields waves his left arm as he's reading the plugs, urging the audience to clap for the "items up for bid" and the pricing game prizes. He'll also walk out on stage during a pricing game and make an exaggarated "what do you think?" gesture to encourage everyone to start shouting help to the contestants.
* Your hands will get tired from all the clapping. And then you realize you're clapping for an ugly wall clock.
* Each contestant is indeed "interviewed" in the loosest sense of the word prior to show taping. To work through 300 people like this takes about 2 hours. You're set up police line-up style in groups of 12 or so and forced to chat with an unctious contestant coordinator who's equal parts used car salesman and standup comic. After working down the line saying hello and asking a couple of questions, you're dismissed and he confers with his cohort about who made the cut. But with 300 people and only 9 possible slots, the odds ain't so good.
* You know how the contestants on stage will always bend over and peer out at the audience for help like some kind of mental patient? They're trying to see around all the cameras and crew. That stage is tiny enough as it is, but during the show it's crammed full of three big video cameras and maybe 10 crew people. The only empty space is what's in the shot. From the audience you can sometimes barely see the game being played.
* Once a prize is shown on camera and the camera cuts away, stagehands are already wheeling it off. That includes the pricing games. This is probably why the contestants sometimes ask "What kind of car is it?" The doors have already closed on the car in question so the stagehands can start setting up the next game.
* If you're sitting on the left side of the audience, can’t see the showcase turntable where the two final contestants stand and Bob wraps up the show with his "spayed and neutered" line.
* Because the audience is going so nuts at the top of the show - it's hard to even know for sure that the show's started they've got everyone whipped up into such a noisy frenzy - as Rich Fields calls the first four contestants' name, they also hold up with signs with the names spelled out so you can see it if you don't hear it. By the way, during this part of the show, you don't stand up unless your name is called. That's apparently an official rule.
* Before the showcase, Rich and Bob specifically ask the audience to "ooh" and "ahh" over the showcase prizes, rather than simply clap. Weird.
* Between games, when the taping's paused and Bob's talking to the audience and taking questions, a big curtain drops down right in front of contestants' row so no one can see the next game being set up on stage.
* The studio seats aren’t bad – worn red canvas, like what you’d find in an old movie theater.
* A sample of the Barker wit during the commerical "stop downs." Question: "What kind of drink do you like?" Bob: "What have you got?" Question: "What will you miss most when you retire?" Bob: "My money." Question: "Will you sign my shirt?" Bob: "I can't sign your shirt - I’m working here!"
* It's a long and complicated process to sit in the audience. At around 6am, they start handing out pink "Order of Arrival" paper tickets, which are numbered. Then at 7:30am you bring those tickets with you inside CBS to a big holding pen outside the studio. It's covered like a shed. Long benches. Once you're in the shed, they line you up in order of your pink tickets. 1-1-50 over there, 51-100 over here... And slowly now the pages work their way through those lines and, using a black marker, write a number on your actual CBS "Price Is Right" ticket. When this happens you turn in your pink ticket. (The pink ticket seems to be a needless element in the process - why not write on the actual ticket to begin with out on Fairfax?) Now you're free again to leave, but you must come back to the shed at 10:30am. At that point you cannot leave the CBS lot. You're stuck. Speeches are given about the rules and procedures. And then the pages start working their way down the long lines again - everyone's still lined up in order - giving out blue cards with a number and a space to write your name. Then the pages come through again a half hour later and hand out the yellow price tag name badge sticker. By now it's 12:30pm. And then the interviews begin (see above).
* CBS refuses to ever guarantee you a seat. That said, the pages will tell you that getting the iconic yellow price tag name sticker just about “seals the deal.”
* The CBS gift shop - available in the shed to contestants while they wait - is lame. It's just about as lame as the three shelves and two clothes racks that make up the NBC gift shop available to audience members of "The Tonight Show." The networks are missing a prime market here.
* You really do have to witness for yourself the intense cult of Bob Barker to truly appreciate the devotion middle Americans have for this guy.
* Yes, they have one of those old-school applause signs hanging in front of the stage.
* For a moment before someone turns up the sound effect, the Big Wheel's arrow just click-clacks in a very plastic and uninspiring way. But the "dings" of a bid popping up come through loud and clear every time.
* You have to provide a picture ID and a Social Security number to be eligible to be a contestant. And if you actually win a prize, you have 30 days to produce a copy of your actual Social Security card.
* Some enterprising character rents plastic chairs to the all-nighters lined up on Fairfax. Five bucks a chair. Their stack of chairs is about 12 feet tall. Do the math.
* Contestants must use the left-hand stairs to get up on stage because that's the direction the cameras are pointing.
5.19.2007
Hollywood Feuds
What they don't want you to know
The Hot Button's David Poland offers up an interesting list of ten things the Hollywood Studios don't want anyone to know about the business side of filmmaking. Numbers 1-5 and Numbers 6-10.
Knee-jerk review: "Spiderman 3"
1. Remember how the Batman movies started to suck when the filmmakers started cramming in too many villains? Same thing here.
2. That opening fight between the New Goblin and Spiderman could have been truly amazing if it were a little easier to follow what was happening. With the camera's unending swoops and swirls and spins, you're lucky if you can tell which way is up, much less understand the action. If they'd locked the camera down a couple of times they probably could have saved $8 million on special effects alone in that sequence.
3. The whole movie really is something of a disappointing mess.
4. If The Cheese Fry had to pick for Peter Parker, it'd be Bryce Dallas Howard's Gwen Stacy over Kirsten Dunst's Mary Jane Parker. No contest.
5. Bruce Campbell's French maitre d' just about steals the movie.
6. The most ridiculous element: an incredibly dangerous particle accelerator contraption... that's located in a New York City suburb... and protected only by an eight-foot-tall cyclone fence. It's lazy writing.
7. The runaway crane scene is the film's best action moment.
8. There's a stale retread feel to the entire movie, particularly when it comes to Peter Parker's character. He's spent many months (maybe even years) by now as Spiderman, yet he still seems to be just as gawky and nerdy and clueless. How is this possible? How can the experience of being a, you know, superhero not have changed him?
9. If anyone wants to argue that Kirsten Dunst doesn't have strong acting chops, offer this up as Exhibit A.
10. You really do have to deduct points from a movie that dares to go to the temporary-short-term-amnesia well. You do realize this, right?
11. Spiderman 2 was the best of the series. Probably one of the greatest comic book films ever. And guess what? One villain.
12. It's pretty cool that Peter Parker uses what looks like a RadioShack police scanner to find crimes as they're being committed.
13. The secret to destroying Venom is also pretty cool.
14. For someone trying to maintain a secret identity, Peter Parker sure does take off his mask a lot in public places. He also leaps out of his apartment window in full Spidey suit.
15. The Daily Bugle scenes with J. Jonah Jameson have always been way over the top in these movies and in this one they're excessively so. J.K. Simmons' bellowing acting just grating.
16. There are some interesting themes here about revenge and forgiveness. If only they'd been more fleshed out.
17. The jazz bar scene where Peter Parker humiliates M.J. is just ridiculous. Worst part of the whole movie.
18. The film's record box office is somewhat disheartening - the lesson seems to be that "event" films will draw huge crowds no matter how good or bad they may be. Bad word of mouth can't put a dent in these blockbusters because people apparently want to experience it for themselves. This principle is solely responsible for the bombastic and mostly unwatchable Pirates of the Caribbean series. If a deeply flawed and unsatisfying movie like Spiderman 3 makes $150 million in three days, why would Hollywood ever attempt a more stringent effort at filmmaking quality control? If it ain't broke, why fix it?
2. That opening fight between the New Goblin and Spiderman could have been truly amazing if it were a little easier to follow what was happening. With the camera's unending swoops and swirls and spins, you're lucky if you can tell which way is up, much less understand the action. If they'd locked the camera down a couple of times they probably could have saved $8 million on special effects alone in that sequence.
3. The whole movie really is something of a disappointing mess.
4. If The Cheese Fry had to pick for Peter Parker, it'd be Bryce Dallas Howard's Gwen Stacy over Kirsten Dunst's Mary Jane Parker. No contest.
5. Bruce Campbell's French maitre d' just about steals the movie.
6. The most ridiculous element: an incredibly dangerous particle accelerator contraption... that's located in a New York City suburb... and protected only by an eight-foot-tall cyclone fence. It's lazy writing.
7. The runaway crane scene is the film's best action moment.
8. There's a stale retread feel to the entire movie, particularly when it comes to Peter Parker's character. He's spent many months (maybe even years) by now as Spiderman, yet he still seems to be just as gawky and nerdy and clueless. How is this possible? How can the experience of being a, you know, superhero not have changed him?
9. If anyone wants to argue that Kirsten Dunst doesn't have strong acting chops, offer this up as Exhibit A.
10. You really do have to deduct points from a movie that dares to go to the temporary-short-term-amnesia well. You do realize this, right?
11. Spiderman 2 was the best of the series. Probably one of the greatest comic book films ever. And guess what? One villain.
12. It's pretty cool that Peter Parker uses what looks like a RadioShack police scanner to find crimes as they're being committed.
13. The secret to destroying Venom is also pretty cool.
14. For someone trying to maintain a secret identity, Peter Parker sure does take off his mask a lot in public places. He also leaps out of his apartment window in full Spidey suit.
15. The Daily Bugle scenes with J. Jonah Jameson have always been way over the top in these movies and in this one they're excessively so. J.K. Simmons' bellowing acting just grating.
16. There are some interesting themes here about revenge and forgiveness. If only they'd been more fleshed out.
17. The jazz bar scene where Peter Parker humiliates M.J. is just ridiculous. Worst part of the whole movie.
18. The film's record box office is somewhat disheartening - the lesson seems to be that "event" films will draw huge crowds no matter how good or bad they may be. Bad word of mouth can't put a dent in these blockbusters because people apparently want to experience it for themselves. This principle is solely responsible for the bombastic and mostly unwatchable Pirates of the Caribbean series. If a deeply flawed and unsatisfying movie like Spiderman 3 makes $150 million in three days, why would Hollywood ever attempt a more stringent effort at filmmaking quality control? If it ain't broke, why fix it?
5.16.2007
The Cheese Fry Hot 19 (TV Character Edition)
1 Tami Taylor
2 Dr. Juliet Burke
3 Brooke Davis
4 Melinda Gordon
5 Allison Dubois
6 Detective Olivia Benson
7 Niki/Jessica Sanders8 Tyra Collette
9 Kate Austen
10 Lorelai Gilmore
11 Sun Kwon
12 Dr. Isobel Stevens
13 Lieutenant Kara Thrace
14 Liz Lemon
15 Dr. Abby Lockhart16 Special Agent Samantha Spade17 Angela Martin
18 Calleigh Duquesne
19 Dr. Neela Rasgotra
2 Dr. Juliet Burke
3 Brooke Davis
4 Melinda Gordon
5 Allison Dubois
6 Detective Olivia Benson
7 Niki/Jessica Sanders8 Tyra Collette
9 Kate Austen
10 Lorelai Gilmore
11 Sun Kwon
12 Dr. Isobel Stevens
13 Lieutenant Kara Thrace
14 Liz Lemon
15 Dr. Abby Lockhart16 Special Agent Samantha Spade17 Angela Martin
18 Calleigh Duquesne
19 Dr. Neela Rasgotra
4.30.2007
Knee-jerk review: "Disturbia"
1. You can just hear the Diet-Coke-fueled pitch meeting: "It's Rear Window, see, but for teenagers!" Even so, the movie's smarter than you might expect.
2. Part of the reason is the considerable scruffy charisma of lead Shia LaBeouf.
3. The violent prologue may not be explicit, but it's definitely intense and scary. That's a pretty hard PG-13 scene.
4. David Morse is always good, isn't he?
5. How did Shia LeBeouf's character get his hands on the blueprints for the house next door? LocalBlueprints.com? There's hard to believe and then there's something laughable like this.
6. It's one thing to buy that a serial killer might build an extra room onto his house for grisly deeds, but what's with the creepy giant basement and then the cave-like sub-basement? When would he have time to build all of that? Why would he try to find the time to build all of that?
7. The garage door opener bit is clever.
8. The climax gets a little ridiculous, but that's unfortunately just the way these kinds of things usually end.
9. Sarah Roemer's bikini scenes add, shall we say, extra value.
10. That's a pretty cool title, isn't it?
11. Always fun to see local Los Angeles news anchors pimping themselves out for fake newscasts in movies.
12. Seriously, if you hit someone in the head with an aluminum baseball bat, you're probably going to kill them.
2. Part of the reason is the considerable scruffy charisma of lead Shia LaBeouf.
3. The violent prologue may not be explicit, but it's definitely intense and scary. That's a pretty hard PG-13 scene.
4. David Morse is always good, isn't he?
5. How did Shia LeBeouf's character get his hands on the blueprints for the house next door? LocalBlueprints.com? There's hard to believe and then there's something laughable like this.
6. It's one thing to buy that a serial killer might build an extra room onto his house for grisly deeds, but what's with the creepy giant basement and then the cave-like sub-basement? When would he have time to build all of that? Why would he try to find the time to build all of that?
7. The garage door opener bit is clever.
8. The climax gets a little ridiculous, but that's unfortunately just the way these kinds of things usually end.
9. Sarah Roemer's bikini scenes add, shall we say, extra value.
10. That's a pretty cool title, isn't it?
11. Always fun to see local Los Angeles news anchors pimping themselves out for fake newscasts in movies.
12. Seriously, if you hit someone in the head with an aluminum baseball bat, you're probably going to kill them.
Hollywoodus celebritanius
Carlos Santana, in the waiting lounge at the Burbank airport (The Cheese Fry can't bring itself to call it the Bob Hope Airport), strolling over to the bathroom before taking a seat in the far corner facing the wall.
4.15.2007
Knee-jerk review: "Grindhouse"
1. Kurt Russell is the man. No doubt about it. The guy oozes effortless cool, even as a psycho bad guy. Especially as a psycho bad guy.
2. Yes yes, Quentin Tarantino has an ear for clever, poetic dialogue. We get it. Can we all just move on now? Especially Tarantino.
3. Was Rose McGowan always this gorgeous? Whoa.
4. The head-on car crash may be one of the more horrific sequences put to film. Very violent. And not in a check-it-out-cool way, but an eww-gross-did-we-need-to-see-that way.
5. Everyone's attacking Robert Rodriguez's film "Planet Terror" and praising Tarantino's film "Death Proof." Truth is, they're pretty equal in terms of what works and what doesn't. They both have lots of fun with the drive-in-style exploitation films they're mimicking, but they're both way too long and self-indulgent. You get the feeling that in making this film Rodriquez and Tarantino were mostly interested in amusing one another - whether or not audiences like it is sort of beside the point.
6. Bottom line: they're not nearly as clever and brilliant as they seem to think they are.
7. Before the film, one of the genuine coming attraction trailers was for Rob Zombie's needless remake of Halloween. It was a skeezy, loud, nasty little trailer... and almost completely indistisguishable from the "fake" trailers that ran in Grindhouse.
8. You know who else is really good in this? Josh Brolin. Seriously.
9. There's no need for this to run over three hours. No need at all.
10. Edgar Wright's fake trailer for a British horror film called Don't is genius.
11. The last 15 minutes or so of "Death Proof" are pretty exciting, especially that final freeze frame.
12. The first 15 minutes or so of "Death Proof" are incredibly boring.
2. Yes yes, Quentin Tarantino has an ear for clever, poetic dialogue. We get it. Can we all just move on now? Especially Tarantino.
3. Was Rose McGowan always this gorgeous? Whoa.
4. The head-on car crash may be one of the more horrific sequences put to film. Very violent. And not in a check-it-out-cool way, but an eww-gross-did-we-need-to-see-that way.
5. Everyone's attacking Robert Rodriguez's film "Planet Terror" and praising Tarantino's film "Death Proof." Truth is, they're pretty equal in terms of what works and what doesn't. They both have lots of fun with the drive-in-style exploitation films they're mimicking, but they're both way too long and self-indulgent. You get the feeling that in making this film Rodriquez and Tarantino were mostly interested in amusing one another - whether or not audiences like it is sort of beside the point.
6. Bottom line: they're not nearly as clever and brilliant as they seem to think they are.
7. Before the film, one of the genuine coming attraction trailers was for Rob Zombie's needless remake of Halloween. It was a skeezy, loud, nasty little trailer... and almost completely indistisguishable from the "fake" trailers that ran in Grindhouse.
8. You know who else is really good in this? Josh Brolin. Seriously.
9. There's no need for this to run over three hours. No need at all.
10. Edgar Wright's fake trailer for a British horror film called Don't is genius.
11. The last 15 minutes or so of "Death Proof" are pretty exciting, especially that final freeze frame.
12. The first 15 minutes or so of "Death Proof" are incredibly boring.
4.04.2007
"Don't you forget about me... Don't, don't, don't, don't..."
Here's a clever analysis of the John Hughes films, surely the most impactful 1980s pop culture force for Generation X that doesn't involve R2D2 or MTV.
3.23.2007
The Best and Worst Films of 2006
1. Children of Men - Criminally and inexplicably overlooked by the year-end award shows. A powerful, tour de force story of a sexually-sterile future world plagued by terrorism and totalitarianism (two sides of the same coin) that’s all too easily imaginable. Clive Owen’s strong as a reluctant hero dragged into an underground rebellion and asked to smuggle the world’s only pregnant woman. But it’s the filmmaking razzle-dazzle (courtesy director Alfonso Cuaron and cinematographer Emmanuel Lubezki) that grabs your attention, particularly two incredible long-take fight sequences that drops you in the middle of the action in ways guaranteed to make your palms sweat.
2. Pan’s Labyrinth – It’s easy to dismiss this as an esoteric fantasy, one of those weirdo foreign films that appeal only to film snobs. Don’t make that mistake. It’s easily the best-written film of 2006, writer-director Guillermo del Toro cleverly and lyrically interweaving a complex, dangerous fantasy quest (or is it real?) of a young girl with the bloody, oppressive reality of her life with her ruthless Franco fascist stepfather. The political metaphors and fairy tale symbolism are piled on, giving the film a vividly literary – practically mythic – sensibility.
3. Casino Royale – We’ve already rendered a verdict on this one. The best James Bond film in 40 years thanks to a grittier, more down-and-dirty approach to the character and the world of espionage. Here, a clenched fist gets you farther than some expensive gadget and you’re always one wrong step (or drugged drink) away from certain death. Daniel Craig is the perfect Bond, steely and dangerous in a way none of the others have been, including – dare we say it – Sean Connery. Rebooting the series and going back to 007’s origins, which includes a look at the doomed romance that paves the way for Bond’s hard heart, was a stroke of genius.
4. Borat – Don’t let anyone suggest this film is anything less than a masterpiece of satire. Yes, it’s packed full of fearlessly crude and outrageous moments (perhaps you’ve heard about the nude male wrestling) that leave you cringing even as you laugh out loud. But the real power of the film is that it's a hidden-camera social experiment – “Punk’d” with a PhD. Sasha Baron Cohen’s Borat character is a racist, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, homophobic, horny moron (surely a reflection of America’s raging xenophobia), but he’s so slyly sweet about it that his on-camera American citizen “co-stars” put up with for him far longer than they should. And it’s his search for the line of decency – that crass moment when Borat’s co-stars finally put their foot down (or should but don’t) – that makes the film so fascinating.
5. The Prestige – Writer-director Christopher Nolan has a thing for nonlinear narrative puzzles. He first strutted his backwards stuff with Memento and then with last year’s Batman Begins. The story here of two dueling illusionists (goody-goody Hugh Jackman and brooding Christian Bale) desperate to one-up the other by any means necessary is likewise told out of order. But because Nolan has immense respect for the audience, there’s no hand holding. You have to put the pieces together yourself, which is well worth the effort. As you slowly make the connections and realize the truths, everything builds to a final series of money shots that is as audacious and astonishing as anything you’ve seen. Seriously satisfying.
6. Little Miss Sunshine – The little, yellow, clutch-less bus that could. A perfect blend of gold-star acting, writing (Michael Arndt), and directing (Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris). What could have been a throwaway festival film about a crazy dysfunctional family’s crazy dysfunctional road trip winds up instead the Oscar-nominated, feel-good film of the year thanks to the sheer force of its effortless charm. It knows when to push the quirkiness and when to pull back, when to go for the sarcasm and when to go for emotion. Best of all is the hilarious and heartwarming ending – when we finally see little Olive on stage seeking the Little Miss Sunshine crown – which brings down the house.
7. United 93 – It’s probably not as harrowing or as tough as you may have heard, but it’s certainly a wrenching experience. Director Paul Greengrass creates a vivid “you are there” urgency and realism to this story of September 11, focusing on two stories: on the ground we have the bureaucratic confusion and decision-making vapor-lock in the military and FAA; in the air we see the goings-on in the cabin of United 93, the last plane to crash that morning following a hostage mutiny. The handheld camera, the no-name actors, the overlapping dialogue. It all feels very real, reopening old sorrow and outrage. Powerful and important, if not exactly “entertaining” in the usual sense of the word.
8. V for Vendetta – Another gripping, dark parable for these uncertain times. In a daring twist, however, this film – dynamic and eye-popping just as we’d expect from the director, Wachowski Brothers protégé James McTeigue (the Brothers wrote the script) – actually urges us to root for the terrorist to succeed. It’s a curious experience and an unsettling reminder that one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. It’s a variation (as is Children of Men) on George Orwell’s dystopian 1984, a bleak world of martial law and paranoia in which blindly following sheep (here, civilian Natalie Portman and cop Stephen Rea) slowly wake up to the evil lies of the government. Good stuff.
9. The Departed – Did director Martin Scorsese deserve an Oscar for this? Probably not. It’s not as operatic and scary as GoodFellas. This is much more of a shoot-em-up cops-and-robbers thriller. But it’s a very good one thanks to the high-concept premise of two moles (one in the police, one in the mob) trying to ferret one another out. The cast is outstanding, particularly Mark Wahlberg and Leonardo DiCaprio. Wahlberg gets all the good lines (and the best exit) while DiCaprio finally shakes loose that whiny man-boy thing he’s been hamstrung by for so long. The shocking ending is worth discussion if only because it almost derails everything. It’s not what happens so much as how it happens – one can imagine Scorsese rubbing his hands together in geeky anticipation of sucker-punching the audience. Some people love the ending. Maybe you will. But it’s a big reason why this film fell so far in this list.
10. (tie) The Devil Wears Prada and Apocalypto – For every polished popcorn audience pleaser like The Devil Wears Prada, there’s an equally twisted and misunderstood lump of coal like Apocalypto. These two films are the yin and yang of 2006, the witty, sophisticated Ambitious-Girl-Seduced-by-Fame urban comedy and the violent, primeval extremely-period Hero-Must-Save-His-Family action film. Both are worth a look. In Prada, we get not only Meryl Streep vamping it up in a deliciously acid role as a fashion mag editor but also the emergence of a possible successor to the Julia Roberts/Reese Witherspoon throne in bright-eyed Anne Hathaway. This is a writer’s film (thank you, Aline Brosh McKenna and the many script doctors) – the juice comes from the dialogue. Apocalypto, however, is very much a director’s film. It’s visual storytelling at its very best. Say what you will about Mel Gibson’s loony-tunes personality and outlook on life, the guy can direct the hell out of a movie. Yes, this film continues his strange obsession with dead languages and humanity’s cruelty. But it’s a rousing, if needlessly gruesome, ride.
Honorable Mention: 16 Blocks, Cars, Dreamgirls, An Inconvenient Truth, Inside Man, Invincible, The Lake House, Little Children, The Queen, Rocky Balboa, Stranger than Fiction, Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, X-Men: The Last Stand.
Click – The problem with this movie was the misleading ad campaign, so maybe the real blame rests with the studio marketing executives. Audiences were promised a typically screwball Adam Sandler comedy about a guy who can control his life with a remote control. That’s high-concept comedy gold. The movie starts out that way, sure, but then it get deeply dark (and deeply weird) as the Sandler character fast-forwards through his entire life and winds up all alone... in a sci-fi future... in old age makeup. No way this gets made if it’s anyone but Sandler.
The Da Vinci Code – Now you know what they mean when they say “That novel’s unfilmable.” The Dan Brown book was poorly written (surely he’s the most successful hack of our generation), but at least the guy did his research. The bare-bones plot was padded out with plenty of fascinating history lessons and arcane trivia, more textbook than novel. But put that on a movie screen and you’re stuck with two hours of endless, blathering exposition. Never has Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, and Ian McKellen been so utterly boring. Unwatchable.
Flags of Our Fathers – It’s hard to believe Clint Eastwood directed this. It’s that muddled and unsatisfying. There’s the confusing, disjointed battle scenes that never come close to replicating the horror of a Saving Private Ryan (or even a Children of Men); the cardboard performances of C-level actors like Jessie Bradford and Ryan Phillipe; the unexpectedly leaden script that keeps hammering home its Big Ideas about Heroism; and last, but not least, the excruciatingly long running time.
Freedomland – This is one humorless, depressing movie. The whole thing was shot in grays and browns. Julianne Moore, all tears and whines, is supremely annoying. And the movie puffs itself up with delusions of grandeur, believing this ham-handed story of a race riot (caused by a Susan Smith-style fake kidnapping in a fictionalization that feels very “Law & Order”) has Important Things to Say. As if. Consider yourself warned.
Superman Returns – We’ve already covered this film’s sins in a previous post. No need to rehash it. More than likely a casualty of a studio system that locks in a release date and then forces the filmmakers to work backward from there, whether there’s enough time to make a quality product or not.
2. Pan’s Labyrinth – It’s easy to dismiss this as an esoteric fantasy, one of those weirdo foreign films that appeal only to film snobs. Don’t make that mistake. It’s easily the best-written film of 2006, writer-director Guillermo del Toro cleverly and lyrically interweaving a complex, dangerous fantasy quest (or is it real?) of a young girl with the bloody, oppressive reality of her life with her ruthless Franco fascist stepfather. The political metaphors and fairy tale symbolism are piled on, giving the film a vividly literary – practically mythic – sensibility.
3. Casino Royale – We’ve already rendered a verdict on this one. The best James Bond film in 40 years thanks to a grittier, more down-and-dirty approach to the character and the world of espionage. Here, a clenched fist gets you farther than some expensive gadget and you’re always one wrong step (or drugged drink) away from certain death. Daniel Craig is the perfect Bond, steely and dangerous in a way none of the others have been, including – dare we say it – Sean Connery. Rebooting the series and going back to 007’s origins, which includes a look at the doomed romance that paves the way for Bond’s hard heart, was a stroke of genius.
4. Borat – Don’t let anyone suggest this film is anything less than a masterpiece of satire. Yes, it’s packed full of fearlessly crude and outrageous moments (perhaps you’ve heard about the nude male wrestling) that leave you cringing even as you laugh out loud. But the real power of the film is that it's a hidden-camera social experiment – “Punk’d” with a PhD. Sasha Baron Cohen’s Borat character is a racist, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, homophobic, horny moron (surely a reflection of America’s raging xenophobia), but he’s so slyly sweet about it that his on-camera American citizen “co-stars” put up with for him far longer than they should. And it’s his search for the line of decency – that crass moment when Borat’s co-stars finally put their foot down (or should but don’t) – that makes the film so fascinating.
5. The Prestige – Writer-director Christopher Nolan has a thing for nonlinear narrative puzzles. He first strutted his backwards stuff with Memento and then with last year’s Batman Begins. The story here of two dueling illusionists (goody-goody Hugh Jackman and brooding Christian Bale) desperate to one-up the other by any means necessary is likewise told out of order. But because Nolan has immense respect for the audience, there’s no hand holding. You have to put the pieces together yourself, which is well worth the effort. As you slowly make the connections and realize the truths, everything builds to a final series of money shots that is as audacious and astonishing as anything you’ve seen. Seriously satisfying.
6. Little Miss Sunshine – The little, yellow, clutch-less bus that could. A perfect blend of gold-star acting, writing (Michael Arndt), and directing (Jonathan Dayton and Valerie Faris). What could have been a throwaway festival film about a crazy dysfunctional family’s crazy dysfunctional road trip winds up instead the Oscar-nominated, feel-good film of the year thanks to the sheer force of its effortless charm. It knows when to push the quirkiness and when to pull back, when to go for the sarcasm and when to go for emotion. Best of all is the hilarious and heartwarming ending – when we finally see little Olive on stage seeking the Little Miss Sunshine crown – which brings down the house.
7. United 93 – It’s probably not as harrowing or as tough as you may have heard, but it’s certainly a wrenching experience. Director Paul Greengrass creates a vivid “you are there” urgency and realism to this story of September 11, focusing on two stories: on the ground we have the bureaucratic confusion and decision-making vapor-lock in the military and FAA; in the air we see the goings-on in the cabin of United 93, the last plane to crash that morning following a hostage mutiny. The handheld camera, the no-name actors, the overlapping dialogue. It all feels very real, reopening old sorrow and outrage. Powerful and important, if not exactly “entertaining” in the usual sense of the word.
8. V for Vendetta – Another gripping, dark parable for these uncertain times. In a daring twist, however, this film – dynamic and eye-popping just as we’d expect from the director, Wachowski Brothers protégé James McTeigue (the Brothers wrote the script) – actually urges us to root for the terrorist to succeed. It’s a curious experience and an unsettling reminder that one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter. It’s a variation (as is Children of Men) on George Orwell’s dystopian 1984, a bleak world of martial law and paranoia in which blindly following sheep (here, civilian Natalie Portman and cop Stephen Rea) slowly wake up to the evil lies of the government. Good stuff.
9. The Departed – Did director Martin Scorsese deserve an Oscar for this? Probably not. It’s not as operatic and scary as GoodFellas. This is much more of a shoot-em-up cops-and-robbers thriller. But it’s a very good one thanks to the high-concept premise of two moles (one in the police, one in the mob) trying to ferret one another out. The cast is outstanding, particularly Mark Wahlberg and Leonardo DiCaprio. Wahlberg gets all the good lines (and the best exit) while DiCaprio finally shakes loose that whiny man-boy thing he’s been hamstrung by for so long. The shocking ending is worth discussion if only because it almost derails everything. It’s not what happens so much as how it happens – one can imagine Scorsese rubbing his hands together in geeky anticipation of sucker-punching the audience. Some people love the ending. Maybe you will. But it’s a big reason why this film fell so far in this list.
10. (tie) The Devil Wears Prada and Apocalypto – For every polished popcorn audience pleaser like The Devil Wears Prada, there’s an equally twisted and misunderstood lump of coal like Apocalypto. These two films are the yin and yang of 2006, the witty, sophisticated Ambitious-Girl-Seduced-by-Fame urban comedy and the violent, primeval extremely-period Hero-Must-Save-His-Family action film. Both are worth a look. In Prada, we get not only Meryl Streep vamping it up in a deliciously acid role as a fashion mag editor but also the emergence of a possible successor to the Julia Roberts/Reese Witherspoon throne in bright-eyed Anne Hathaway. This is a writer’s film (thank you, Aline Brosh McKenna and the many script doctors) – the juice comes from the dialogue. Apocalypto, however, is very much a director’s film. It’s visual storytelling at its very best. Say what you will about Mel Gibson’s loony-tunes personality and outlook on life, the guy can direct the hell out of a movie. Yes, this film continues his strange obsession with dead languages and humanity’s cruelty. But it’s a rousing, if needlessly gruesome, ride.
Honorable Mention: 16 Blocks, Cars, Dreamgirls, An Inconvenient Truth, Inside Man, Invincible, The Lake House, Little Children, The Queen, Rocky Balboa, Stranger than Fiction, Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, X-Men: The Last Stand.
Click – The problem with this movie was the misleading ad campaign, so maybe the real blame rests with the studio marketing executives. Audiences were promised a typically screwball Adam Sandler comedy about a guy who can control his life with a remote control. That’s high-concept comedy gold. The movie starts out that way, sure, but then it get deeply dark (and deeply weird) as the Sandler character fast-forwards through his entire life and winds up all alone... in a sci-fi future... in old age makeup. No way this gets made if it’s anyone but Sandler.
The Da Vinci Code – Now you know what they mean when they say “That novel’s unfilmable.” The Dan Brown book was poorly written (surely he’s the most successful hack of our generation), but at least the guy did his research. The bare-bones plot was padded out with plenty of fascinating history lessons and arcane trivia, more textbook than novel. But put that on a movie screen and you’re stuck with two hours of endless, blathering exposition. Never has Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, and Ian McKellen been so utterly boring. Unwatchable.
Flags of Our Fathers – It’s hard to believe Clint Eastwood directed this. It’s that muddled and unsatisfying. There’s the confusing, disjointed battle scenes that never come close to replicating the horror of a Saving Private Ryan (or even a Children of Men); the cardboard performances of C-level actors like Jessie Bradford and Ryan Phillipe; the unexpectedly leaden script that keeps hammering home its Big Ideas about Heroism; and last, but not least, the excruciatingly long running time.
Freedomland – This is one humorless, depressing movie. The whole thing was shot in grays and browns. Julianne Moore, all tears and whines, is supremely annoying. And the movie puffs itself up with delusions of grandeur, believing this ham-handed story of a race riot (caused by a Susan Smith-style fake kidnapping in a fictionalization that feels very “Law & Order”) has Important Things to Say. As if. Consider yourself warned.
Superman Returns – We’ve already covered this film’s sins in a previous post. No need to rehash it. More than likely a casualty of a studio system that locks in a release date and then forces the filmmakers to work backward from there, whether there’s enough time to make a quality product or not.
3.22.2007
Don't cry for me, Sanjaya.
If you're a regular viewer of the Idol (obsessives drop the American and add a "the"), you witnessed this week the curious scene of a hysterical, sobbing tweener girl acting like she was at The Ed Sullivan Show circa 1963. Even more curious is that she seemed all atwitter over the incredibly untalented contestant Sanjaya. Who was this girl? Surely she wasn't for real. Well, it wasn't exactly a plant, but it wasn't exactly spontaneous, either.
3.21.2007
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
Like poor Winona Ryder in Reality Bites, we find "irony" to be an elusive term. You probably think you know it when you see it. But how do you spot it?
Last month John Winokur wrote a column for the Los Angeles Times:
When it was revealed in 2003 that William J. Bennett, author of "The Book of Virtues," had a secret gambling habit, more than one commentator termed it a delicious irony, and it was indeed a pleasure to see a sanctimonious scold get his comeuppance. But it wasn't irony, just hypocrisy.
It was ironic when, on "The Daily Show," Jon Stewart commended Bennett for his indignation, and for "standing up to the William Bennetts of the world."
Here's another example of irony: the 1959 episode of "The Twilight Zone" titled "Time Enough at Last," in which Burgess Meredith plays Henry Bemis, a bookish bank teller with thick glasses and an insatiable appetite for reading. One day, knocked unconscious by a giant explosion, he awakens to find that he's the last man on Earth.
Wandering the desolate city, overwhelmed with loneliness, he is about to kill himself when he notices the ruins of … a library! Cut to: stacks of books piled high on the library's steps and Henry, giddy with joy. But as he settles down on the curb with the first book, his glasses fall off and shatter on the ground, trapping him forever in a blurry world.
Now that's irony.
Irony is one of the most misused words in the English language. Much of the confusion comes from the existence of several distinct forms of irony. Verbal irony is the act of saying one thing but meaning the opposite with the intent of being understood as meaning the opposite, as in, "Nice weather we're having" on a rainy day.
Cosmic irony involves quirks of fate, as when a UPS driver on his way to deliver parts to a hospital has a serious accident, is taken to the same hospital by ambulance, but the hospital can't perform necessary tests because one of its machines is down and the parts to fix it are in the driver's wrecked van.
Socratic irony is a strategy for refuting dogma. In the Platonic dialogues, Socrates assumes the role of the eiron, a sly dissembler who feigns naivete by asking seemingly foolish questions that gradually hang his opponents by their own admissions. A modern practitioner is Sacha Baron Cohen, whose characters Borat and Ali G expose pomposity by pretending to be stupid.
Irony is about the interplay of opposites, not the random proximity of events. It's ironic that Beethoven was deaf, but merely coincidental that Brad Pitt tore his Achilles tendon while playing Achilles in Troy. People miss the distinction and say "ironic" when they mean "coincidental," an abuse encouraged by Alanis Morissette's 1996 hit single, "Ironic," in which situations purporting to be ironic are merely annoying ("a traffic jam when you're already late, a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break").
It is ironic that "Ironic" is an un-ironic song about irony. Is that perfectly clear?
In case you're confused, here are some more examples of irony:
• Brewing heir Adolph Coors III was allergic to beer.
• County supervisors in Pima County, Ariz., held a closed meeting to discuss Arizona's open meeting law.
• U.S. Border Patrol uniforms are manufactured in Mexico.
• When the Berlin Wall came down in 1989, so many visitors were taking souvenir pieces that a protective fence was installed, so that, yes, the Berlin Wall was guarded by a wall.
• Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe's 2005 state of the nation address, in which he promised to remedy his country's chronic electricity shortages, was blacked out by a power failure.
• A 17-year-old Amish boy was electrocuted by a downed power line that became tangled in the wheels of his horse-drawn buggy.
• The "Marlboro Man" died of lung cancer.
• A 2001 Father's Day tribute on ESPN featured "How Sweet It Is (to be Loved by You)," sung by Marvin Gaye, who was shot and killed by his father in 1984.
• Entries for the Florida Press Club's 2005 Excellence in Journalism Award for hurricane coverage were lost in Hurricane Katrina.
Last month John Winokur wrote a column for the Los Angeles Times:
When it was revealed in 2003 that William J. Bennett, author of "The Book of Virtues," had a secret gambling habit, more than one commentator termed it a delicious irony, and it was indeed a pleasure to see a sanctimonious scold get his comeuppance. But it wasn't irony, just hypocrisy.
It was ironic when, on "The Daily Show," Jon Stewart commended Bennett for his indignation, and for "standing up to the William Bennetts of the world."
Here's another example of irony: the 1959 episode of "The Twilight Zone" titled "Time Enough at Last," in which Burgess Meredith plays Henry Bemis, a bookish bank teller with thick glasses and an insatiable appetite for reading. One day, knocked unconscious by a giant explosion, he awakens to find that he's the last man on Earth.
Wandering the desolate city, overwhelmed with loneliness, he is about to kill himself when he notices the ruins of … a library! Cut to: stacks of books piled high on the library's steps and Henry, giddy with joy. But as he settles down on the curb with the first book, his glasses fall off and shatter on the ground, trapping him forever in a blurry world.
Now that's irony.
Irony is one of the most misused words in the English language. Much of the confusion comes from the existence of several distinct forms of irony. Verbal irony is the act of saying one thing but meaning the opposite with the intent of being understood as meaning the opposite, as in, "Nice weather we're having" on a rainy day.
Cosmic irony involves quirks of fate, as when a UPS driver on his way to deliver parts to a hospital has a serious accident, is taken to the same hospital by ambulance, but the hospital can't perform necessary tests because one of its machines is down and the parts to fix it are in the driver's wrecked van.
Socratic irony is a strategy for refuting dogma. In the Platonic dialogues, Socrates assumes the role of the eiron, a sly dissembler who feigns naivete by asking seemingly foolish questions that gradually hang his opponents by their own admissions. A modern practitioner is Sacha Baron Cohen, whose characters Borat and Ali G expose pomposity by pretending to be stupid.
Irony is about the interplay of opposites, not the random proximity of events. It's ironic that Beethoven was deaf, but merely coincidental that Brad Pitt tore his Achilles tendon while playing Achilles in Troy. People miss the distinction and say "ironic" when they mean "coincidental," an abuse encouraged by Alanis Morissette's 1996 hit single, "Ironic," in which situations purporting to be ironic are merely annoying ("a traffic jam when you're already late, a no-smoking sign on your cigarette break").
It is ironic that "Ironic" is an un-ironic song about irony. Is that perfectly clear?
In case you're confused, here are some more examples of irony:
• Brewing heir Adolph Coors III was allergic to beer.
• County supervisors in Pima County, Ariz., held a closed meeting to discuss Arizona's open meeting law.
• U.S. Border Patrol uniforms are manufactured in Mexico.
• When the Berlin Wall came down in 1989, so many visitors were taking souvenir pieces that a protective fence was installed, so that, yes, the Berlin Wall was guarded by a wall.
• Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe's 2005 state of the nation address, in which he promised to remedy his country's chronic electricity shortages, was blacked out by a power failure.
• A 17-year-old Amish boy was electrocuted by a downed power line that became tangled in the wheels of his horse-drawn buggy.
• The "Marlboro Man" died of lung cancer.
• A 2001 Father's Day tribute on ESPN featured "How Sweet It Is (to be Loved by You)," sung by Marvin Gaye, who was shot and killed by his father in 1984.
• Entries for the Florida Press Club's 2005 Excellence in Journalism Award for hurricane coverage were lost in Hurricane Katrina.
Geico cavemen are people, too
Slate's Seth Stevenson takes a look at the genius of the Geico Insurance cavemen ads, which may be turned into a television sitcom this fall. The therapist-speakerphone spot is good, as is the balcony party spot ("Tina's here - we're getting back together"), but the best is surely the moving-airport-sidewalk spot.
2.07.2007
W. vs. S.M.U.
Slate's David Greenberg takes a closer look at the controversy surrounding SMU's bid to host George W's presidential library. Is the moral price too high?
UPS pitchman unmasked
You've probably seen the ads. A scruffily charming guy with the swept back mop of hair standing at a whiteboard making squeaky drawings to illustrate the power of UPS shipping. Who is that guy? Adweek has the answer. Sometimes it's the quiet, simple ads that work best.
UPDATE: More analysis has been provided by Slate's Seth Stevenson. Maybe Andy Azula should have a fan club.
UPDATE: More analysis has been provided by Slate's Seth Stevenson. Maybe Andy Azula should have a fan club.
1.29.2007
Analyzing "State of the Union" addresses
An interesting website that examines in exhaustive detail - and with an ingenious graphic interface - every presidential "State of the Union" address since George Washington. At a glance, you can see (and compare) the word counts, the most frequently used words, and the relative grade-level of the language.
Hollywoodus celebritanius (Top 12 famous-person sightings to date)
For purposes of this survey, the Cheese Fry will only count sightings in a celebrity's natural everyday habitat (i.e. film festivals, screenings, red carpets, and backlot/production company appearances do not count).
1. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore at the Starbucks counter in Barnes & Noble at The Grove. She’s talking to her kids, he’s just sort of standing there.
2. Then-L.A. Laker Shaquille O’Neal, sitting alone at the counter and having some hot tea at Jerry’s Famous Deli in Beverly Hills. He doesn't seem to want to be bothered by fans.
3. Jack Black, wearing a ratty hooded poncho at Koo Koo Roo on Wilshire. Suprisingly low key.
4. Steve Martin, sporting a helmet and locking his bike to a stop sign at the King’s Road Café on Beverly Blvd. Polite and quiet.
5. James Caan, holding sweaty court on several occasions with a group of macho bodybuilders at the Koo Koo Roo in Venice. Gregarious in a Sonny Corleone sort of way.
6. Oscar winner Helen Hunt, asking the ticket taker a question in the lobby of a movie theater in Van Nuys.
7. Fred Savage, playing flag football (and talking serious trash) in the Marina.
8. Martin Landau, stepping off an elevator at the Hollywood Arclight theater parking garage.
9. Mr. Bean Rowan Atkinson, sipping from a bottle of water waiting for a screening of Apocalypto to begin at the Hollywood Arclight. Usher: “Hello everyone!” Rowan: “'Allo.”
10. Greg Brady himself, Barry Williams, carrying a drink across the lobby of the Loews Santa Monica Hotel in a grungy long-sleeved T-shirt.
11. Nashville power couple Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood, getting seated at the Jerry’s Famous Deli in Westwood. They look like two pudgy suburban parents.
12. Kung Fu’s Keith Carradine, standing in the X-ray line at the LAX airport. Snatch the boarding pass from my hand.
1. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore at the Starbucks counter in Barnes & Noble at The Grove. She’s talking to her kids, he’s just sort of standing there.
2. Then-L.A. Laker Shaquille O’Neal, sitting alone at the counter and having some hot tea at Jerry’s Famous Deli in Beverly Hills. He doesn't seem to want to be bothered by fans.
3. Jack Black, wearing a ratty hooded poncho at Koo Koo Roo on Wilshire. Suprisingly low key.
4. Steve Martin, sporting a helmet and locking his bike to a stop sign at the King’s Road Café on Beverly Blvd. Polite and quiet.
5. James Caan, holding sweaty court on several occasions with a group of macho bodybuilders at the Koo Koo Roo in Venice. Gregarious in a Sonny Corleone sort of way.
6. Oscar winner Helen Hunt, asking the ticket taker a question in the lobby of a movie theater in Van Nuys.
7. Fred Savage, playing flag football (and talking serious trash) in the Marina.
8. Martin Landau, stepping off an elevator at the Hollywood Arclight theater parking garage.
9. Mr. Bean Rowan Atkinson, sipping from a bottle of water waiting for a screening of Apocalypto to begin at the Hollywood Arclight. Usher: “Hello everyone!” Rowan: “'Allo.”
10. Greg Brady himself, Barry Williams, carrying a drink across the lobby of the Loews Santa Monica Hotel in a grungy long-sleeved T-shirt.
11. Nashville power couple Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood, getting seated at the Jerry’s Famous Deli in Westwood. They look like two pudgy suburban parents.
12. Kung Fu’s Keith Carradine, standing in the X-ray line at the LAX airport. Snatch the boarding pass from my hand.
1.28.2007
Shaken, Not Stirred: Ranking the James Bond films
The Best
1. Goldfinger (1964) – The obvious choice. The quintessential Bond film balanced perfectly between edgy grit and wink-wink spectacle. The gadget-laden Aston Martin (Bond: “An ejector seat? You’re joking.” Q: “I never joke about my work, 007.”) points to the campy direction the series will ultimately take, but Oddjob is still perhaps the most scary and formidable Bond villain ever. The Fort Knox vault climax is sublime, as is Bond’s almost-death by laser beam. A pitch-perfect classic.
2. Casino Royale (2006) – A clever, thrilling reboot of the series exploring how Bond came to be 007. Despite silly outcries by fans that Daniel Craig was too short or too blonde, he’s quite simply the best Bond since Sean Connery, period. His Bond will kick your ass. Yes, the film’s too long by probably 30 minutes, but it’s that lengthy epilogue that’s so crucial to Bond’s evolution: a sudden turn in Bond’s romantic relationship with hottie Vesper Lynd hardens his heart and sets him on a path to become the ruthless agent we all know he will be.
3. For Your Eyes Only (1981) – The high point of the Roger Moore films. After the delicious, so-bad-it’s-almost-good absurdity of Moonraker (see #9), the producers wisely thought it best to strip Bond to the basics and send him on a bare-knuckles mission. With its revenge motif, there’s an undercurrent of anger here that gives the movie unexpected gravitas. Bonus points, of course, for the Sheena Easton theme song.
4. From Russia With Love (1963) – Like Dr. No (#8), this second Bond film is much more a traditional sort of cloak-and-dagger Cold War espionage thriller with Russian defectors and assassination plots. A series highlight is the claustrophobic fistfight between Bond and bad guy Robert Shaw on the Orient Express. The producers do what they do best, casting as a “Bond girl” an actress no one hears from again – in this case, luminous Italian actress Daniela Bianchi.
5. Live and Let Die (1973) – A curious artifact of the 1970s, influenced clearly by that era’s pop culture interest in “black power,” whether it’s the mean streets of Harlem or the supernatural jungles of African voodoo. With its small scope – it’s almost entirely set in the U.S. and involves organized crime bosses rather than Dr. Evil-style megalomaniacs – it’s an unusual Bond film. It’s also a mixed bag. For every inspired touch, whether it’s the Paul McCartney theme or tragic psychic Solitaire, there are missteps, such as the cheesy inclusion of a Southern-fried Louisiana sheriff.
The Very Good
6. You Only Live Twice (1967) – Respect is due the film that features the villain’s lair in a phony volcano staffed with hundreds of loyal - and faceless - henchmen, all ready and willing to lay down their life for reasons unknown. All hail the birth of the spy movie cliché. This kind of ridiculous comic-book exaggeration – the bad guy, Bond nemesis Blofeld, is hijacking manned space capsules… while they’re in orbit (yes, you read that right) – is what people think of when you say James Bond.
7. Die Another Day (2002) – You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they like this film, the last one to star Pierce Brosnan. It all seems to come down to Bond’s invisible car. Do they embrace that fanciful gadget or roll their eyes and crave more realism? Though the invisible car is a symbol of excess to many, this is Brosnan’s best Bond film thanks to a plausible (and fairly coherent) plot preying on very real tensions between North and South Korea. Having Halle Berry doesn’t hurt either.
8. Dr. No (1962) – The one that started it all. A fairly small and simple spy movie with some topical space-race sci-fi thrown in, looking at it one would never guess that a 40-year film franchise was being born. Bond here is a pretty dark guy – after questioning a bad guy and extracting useful information, Bond kills him in cold blood. Ouch. Even with the fun touches, like the slinky introduction of Honey Ryder (it’s tame now, but apparently in 1962 Ursula Andress’ little white bikini was a huge deal) or Dr. No’s metal hands, this film is really more of a historical artifact than anything else.
9. Moonraker (1979) – File this one under so-bad-it’s-genius. The producers are desperately trying to cash in on the Star Wars craze and the result is a train wreck. It’s hard to know where to begin, whether it’s turning the previous film’s feared villain (Jaws) into a sappy good guy, mounting a ridiculous outer space laser battle with armies of astronauts, or simply going for a cheap laugh at every possible opportunity. Villain Drax may be the most insanely ambitious villain ever – his plan is nothing short of global Armageddon so he can repopulate the earth with his master race. Textbook definition of guilty pleasure.
10. Thunderball (1965) – An important film in the Bond canon because of complicated story rights that allowed producer Kevin McClory to remake the film as Never Say Never Again in the 1980s with Sean Connery. Seen today, there’s a lot that is familiar in the movie, particularly the brilliantly simple stolen-nuke-for-ransom plotline, and the climactic underwater battle doesn’t age particularly well. But in 1965, this film was incredibly successful around the world – in fact, by some measures it was the most popular film ever released up to that time. If Goldfinger suggested Bond could be huge, Thunderball showed how huge.
11. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) – The Pierce Brosnan films typically suffer from plot impenetrability (which is why the next two entries on this list are both Brosnan titles – exciting and slick, but mostly forgettable). The storylines are complicated, the villain’s motives convoluted. This one’s no exception. All one can really say is that the villain’s a Rupert Murdoch billionaire who’s trying to sell more of his newspaper tabloids by causing global trouble. The film does benefit from some extra oomph in Michelle Yeoh’s casting as Chinese agent Wai Lin (the producers are again chasing pop culture trends, here bowing to the popularity of martial arts and Asian cinema).
The Just Okay
12. Goldeneye (1995) – This is Pierce Brosnan’s first outing as Bond and he surely felt a lot of pressure to revive a series that had laid dormant for six years. But his easy charm and suave edge is the perfect antidote to Timothy Dalton’s sourpuss take on the character. This is a lot of people’s favorite Brosnan film, but the plot (evil agent wants to destroy London out of revenge) is needlessly dense, as if the filmmakers think to make a good spy thriller one had to confuse the audience. Extra credit for Famke Janssen’s great villain with an ever greater name (Xenia Onatopp).
13. The World Is Not Enough (1999) – Now we’re at that mushy middle point in the list where very little separates the good from the so-so. Yes, Sophie Marceau’s character Elektra provides a nice double-cross and there are some groovy action scenes, but one must also endure the improbability of Denise Richards as a physicist named Christmas Jones. Points must also be deducted for offering up a villain – Renard – who feels no pain (think of the possibilities!) and then relegating him to second-fiddle status. He really should have been the main bad guy.
14. Octopussy (1983) – The last great Cold War-inspired Bond film set around the tensions of divided Germany. The stakes are high, the action urgent, and the plot (for the most part – the whole Faberge egg thing sure takes a long time to pan out) dense enough to be engaging rather than confusing. Strangely, the title character and her India-based circus is perhaps the film’s weakest element. But poor old Roger Moore’s really starting to show his age.
15. License to Kill (1989) – Poor Timothy Dalton. So misunderstood, so unloved. After the increasing silliness of the Roger Moore films, especially A View to a Kill (see #21), there was really only one direction to take the franchise: serious and dark. The Living Daylights (see #19) came first, but this Dalton film is the better one. It’s a surprisingly satisfying movie but one that never fully connected with audiences. Maybe it was the darkness of the story – Bond quits MI5 to kill a South American crime lord (another craven attempt to cash in, this time it’s pop culture interest in the Colombian cartels) to avenge the torture of a friend. Or maybe it’s that Dalton is so stone-faced. Either way, it’s one of the more underrated Bond films.
16. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) – A mediocre entry in the Roger Moore era that shamelessly copies the basic plot of #6 You Only Live Twice (bad guy steals superpowers’ goods hoping each will blame the other and launch World War III). It’s a derivative formula, energized here only by the unusual (and terribly underutilized) element of Barbara Bach’s character, a KGB agent forced to work with Bond, who recently killed her Soviet lover in the line of duty. Extra points for the “Nobody Does It Better” theme song and the white Lotus Esprit that turns into a frickin’ submarine.
The Forgettable
17. Diamonds Are Forever (1971) – This one gets low marks simply because Sean Connery looks so out of place, what with his hairpiece and all. The producers lured him back after the failed Lazenby Experiment (see #21) and he really just seems to be going through the motions. It’s the same old thing. Again, supervillain Blofeld’s plotting a worldwide disaster (he’s building a giant laser) for his own financial gain. There’s a bit of fun to be had in a Las Vegas subplot, but it’s mostly a tired and mechanical exercise.
18. The Man with the Golden Gun (1974) – File this one under so-bad-it’s-terrible. This is one weird film. Just about every element is out of whack, from the shrill and ludicrous theme song (whatever happened to Lulu?) to the casting of blank-eyed bimbo Britt Ekland as the bumbling Bond girl to using, with a completely stone face, a third nipple of all things as the distinguishing characteristic of the film villain. There’s something in here about solar energy (a timely nod to 1970s energy politics) but it’s really a strange story of how a famous underworld hitman wants to kill 007 out of professional pride. Oh yeah, and "Fantasy Island’s" Herve Villechaize is in it. Must be seen to be believed.
19. The Living Daylights (1987) – The first film in the post-Roger Moore era is a fairly joyless affair. Timothy Dalton’s relentless frown doesn’t help. The plot (more defections, assassinations, and political backstabbing) is complicated the point of being absolutely baroque, so determined are the filmmakers in crafting a “real” spy thriller. Even reading a plot synopsis just now for this post, the Cheese Fry was hard pressed to figure out what the hell the point is. Trivia item: upon release, much was made of Bond’s out-of-character monogamy in the film, clearly influenced by the era’s AIDS fears.
20. A View to a Kill (1985) – Silly and pointless. There’s a lot that feels just wrong here, whether it’s Christopher Walken doing his usual weirdo schtick as a white-haired villain with a Lex Luthor-style plot to create earthquakes in California, Grace Jones strutting her weirdo look as Walken’s androgynous henchperson (who seems to belong in another, stranger movie), or the big climax taking place atop the Golden Gate Bridge with some very shoddy rear projection. And then there’s the sight of wrinkly 58-year-old Roger Moore macking with a sleek 31-year-old Tanya Roberts. Yes, the Moore era had to end here. The Duran Duran theme song is a guilty pleasure, however. Ed. note: here again a Bond film plot is echoing pop culture, this time it’s the booming PC craze that seems to have influenced the film’s Silicon Valley storyline – maybe it’s needlessly mean-spirited to suggest the Bond producers chase pop culture to maximize audience interest; perhaps instead one should look at the twists and turns of the series as an inevitable reflection of the time from which it came. If so, then the Bond films might offer an interesting way to chart evolving cultural concerns, interests, and fears of the West. Hmmm.
21. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) – It’s a part of the Saltzman-Broccoli-Eon canon, but it really doesn’t feel like a Bond movie, does it? It’s not George Lazenby’s fault. If he’d been allowed to continue, the Cheese Fry might have fonder feelings for this film. But his one-shot performance unavoidably makes this film the bastard stepchild of the series. Which is too bad, because Bond’s relationship and marriage (and eventual tragic widowhood) with Diana Rigg’s Tracy DiVincenzo gives this film an emotional center only Casino Royale ever successfully developed.
1. Goldfinger (1964) – The obvious choice. The quintessential Bond film balanced perfectly between edgy grit and wink-wink spectacle. The gadget-laden Aston Martin (Bond: “An ejector seat? You’re joking.” Q: “I never joke about my work, 007.”) points to the campy direction the series will ultimately take, but Oddjob is still perhaps the most scary and formidable Bond villain ever. The Fort Knox vault climax is sublime, as is Bond’s almost-death by laser beam. A pitch-perfect classic.
2. Casino Royale (2006) – A clever, thrilling reboot of the series exploring how Bond came to be 007. Despite silly outcries by fans that Daniel Craig was too short or too blonde, he’s quite simply the best Bond since Sean Connery, period. His Bond will kick your ass. Yes, the film’s too long by probably 30 minutes, but it’s that lengthy epilogue that’s so crucial to Bond’s evolution: a sudden turn in Bond’s romantic relationship with hottie Vesper Lynd hardens his heart and sets him on a path to become the ruthless agent we all know he will be.
3. For Your Eyes Only (1981) – The high point of the Roger Moore films. After the delicious, so-bad-it’s-almost-good absurdity of Moonraker (see #9), the producers wisely thought it best to strip Bond to the basics and send him on a bare-knuckles mission. With its revenge motif, there’s an undercurrent of anger here that gives the movie unexpected gravitas. Bonus points, of course, for the Sheena Easton theme song.
4. From Russia With Love (1963) – Like Dr. No (#8), this second Bond film is much more a traditional sort of cloak-and-dagger Cold War espionage thriller with Russian defectors and assassination plots. A series highlight is the claustrophobic fistfight between Bond and bad guy Robert Shaw on the Orient Express. The producers do what they do best, casting as a “Bond girl” an actress no one hears from again – in this case, luminous Italian actress Daniela Bianchi.
5. Live and Let Die (1973) – A curious artifact of the 1970s, influenced clearly by that era’s pop culture interest in “black power,” whether it’s the mean streets of Harlem or the supernatural jungles of African voodoo. With its small scope – it’s almost entirely set in the U.S. and involves organized crime bosses rather than Dr. Evil-style megalomaniacs – it’s an unusual Bond film. It’s also a mixed bag. For every inspired touch, whether it’s the Paul McCartney theme or tragic psychic Solitaire, there are missteps, such as the cheesy inclusion of a Southern-fried Louisiana sheriff.
The Very Good
6. You Only Live Twice (1967) – Respect is due the film that features the villain’s lair in a phony volcano staffed with hundreds of loyal - and faceless - henchmen, all ready and willing to lay down their life for reasons unknown. All hail the birth of the spy movie cliché. This kind of ridiculous comic-book exaggeration – the bad guy, Bond nemesis Blofeld, is hijacking manned space capsules… while they’re in orbit (yes, you read that right) – is what people think of when you say James Bond.
7. Die Another Day (2002) – You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they like this film, the last one to star Pierce Brosnan. It all seems to come down to Bond’s invisible car. Do they embrace that fanciful gadget or roll their eyes and crave more realism? Though the invisible car is a symbol of excess to many, this is Brosnan’s best Bond film thanks to a plausible (and fairly coherent) plot preying on very real tensions between North and South Korea. Having Halle Berry doesn’t hurt either.
8. Dr. No (1962) – The one that started it all. A fairly small and simple spy movie with some topical space-race sci-fi thrown in, looking at it one would never guess that a 40-year film franchise was being born. Bond here is a pretty dark guy – after questioning a bad guy and extracting useful information, Bond kills him in cold blood. Ouch. Even with the fun touches, like the slinky introduction of Honey Ryder (it’s tame now, but apparently in 1962 Ursula Andress’ little white bikini was a huge deal) or Dr. No’s metal hands, this film is really more of a historical artifact than anything else.
9. Moonraker (1979) – File this one under so-bad-it’s-genius. The producers are desperately trying to cash in on the Star Wars craze and the result is a train wreck. It’s hard to know where to begin, whether it’s turning the previous film’s feared villain (Jaws) into a sappy good guy, mounting a ridiculous outer space laser battle with armies of astronauts, or simply going for a cheap laugh at every possible opportunity. Villain Drax may be the most insanely ambitious villain ever – his plan is nothing short of global Armageddon so he can repopulate the earth with his master race. Textbook definition of guilty pleasure.
10. Thunderball (1965) – An important film in the Bond canon because of complicated story rights that allowed producer Kevin McClory to remake the film as Never Say Never Again in the 1980s with Sean Connery. Seen today, there’s a lot that is familiar in the movie, particularly the brilliantly simple stolen-nuke-for-ransom plotline, and the climactic underwater battle doesn’t age particularly well. But in 1965, this film was incredibly successful around the world – in fact, by some measures it was the most popular film ever released up to that time. If Goldfinger suggested Bond could be huge, Thunderball showed how huge.
11. Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) – The Pierce Brosnan films typically suffer from plot impenetrability (which is why the next two entries on this list are both Brosnan titles – exciting and slick, but mostly forgettable). The storylines are complicated, the villain’s motives convoluted. This one’s no exception. All one can really say is that the villain’s a Rupert Murdoch billionaire who’s trying to sell more of his newspaper tabloids by causing global trouble. The film does benefit from some extra oomph in Michelle Yeoh’s casting as Chinese agent Wai Lin (the producers are again chasing pop culture trends, here bowing to the popularity of martial arts and Asian cinema).
The Just Okay
12. Goldeneye (1995) – This is Pierce Brosnan’s first outing as Bond and he surely felt a lot of pressure to revive a series that had laid dormant for six years. But his easy charm and suave edge is the perfect antidote to Timothy Dalton’s sourpuss take on the character. This is a lot of people’s favorite Brosnan film, but the plot (evil agent wants to destroy London out of revenge) is needlessly dense, as if the filmmakers think to make a good spy thriller one had to confuse the audience. Extra credit for Famke Janssen’s great villain with an ever greater name (Xenia Onatopp).
13. The World Is Not Enough (1999) – Now we’re at that mushy middle point in the list where very little separates the good from the so-so. Yes, Sophie Marceau’s character Elektra provides a nice double-cross and there are some groovy action scenes, but one must also endure the improbability of Denise Richards as a physicist named Christmas Jones. Points must also be deducted for offering up a villain – Renard – who feels no pain (think of the possibilities!) and then relegating him to second-fiddle status. He really should have been the main bad guy.
14. Octopussy (1983) – The last great Cold War-inspired Bond film set around the tensions of divided Germany. The stakes are high, the action urgent, and the plot (for the most part – the whole Faberge egg thing sure takes a long time to pan out) dense enough to be engaging rather than confusing. Strangely, the title character and her India-based circus is perhaps the film’s weakest element. But poor old Roger Moore’s really starting to show his age.
15. License to Kill (1989) – Poor Timothy Dalton. So misunderstood, so unloved. After the increasing silliness of the Roger Moore films, especially A View to a Kill (see #21), there was really only one direction to take the franchise: serious and dark. The Living Daylights (see #19) came first, but this Dalton film is the better one. It’s a surprisingly satisfying movie but one that never fully connected with audiences. Maybe it was the darkness of the story – Bond quits MI5 to kill a South American crime lord (another craven attempt to cash in, this time it’s pop culture interest in the Colombian cartels) to avenge the torture of a friend. Or maybe it’s that Dalton is so stone-faced. Either way, it’s one of the more underrated Bond films.
16. The Spy Who Loved Me (1977) – A mediocre entry in the Roger Moore era that shamelessly copies the basic plot of #6 You Only Live Twice (bad guy steals superpowers’ goods hoping each will blame the other and launch World War III). It’s a derivative formula, energized here only by the unusual (and terribly underutilized) element of Barbara Bach’s character, a KGB agent forced to work with Bond, who recently killed her Soviet lover in the line of duty. Extra points for the “Nobody Does It Better” theme song and the white Lotus Esprit that turns into a frickin’ submarine.
The Forgettable
17. Diamonds Are Forever (1971) – This one gets low marks simply because Sean Connery looks so out of place, what with his hairpiece and all. The producers lured him back after the failed Lazenby Experiment (see #21) and he really just seems to be going through the motions. It’s the same old thing. Again, supervillain Blofeld’s plotting a worldwide disaster (he’s building a giant laser) for his own financial gain. There’s a bit of fun to be had in a Las Vegas subplot, but it’s mostly a tired and mechanical exercise.
18. The Man with the Golden Gun (1974) – File this one under so-bad-it’s-terrible. This is one weird film. Just about every element is out of whack, from the shrill and ludicrous theme song (whatever happened to Lulu?) to the casting of blank-eyed bimbo Britt Ekland as the bumbling Bond girl to using, with a completely stone face, a third nipple of all things as the distinguishing characteristic of the film villain. There’s something in here about solar energy (a timely nod to 1970s energy politics) but it’s really a strange story of how a famous underworld hitman wants to kill 007 out of professional pride. Oh yeah, and "Fantasy Island’s" Herve Villechaize is in it. Must be seen to be believed.
19. The Living Daylights (1987) – The first film in the post-Roger Moore era is a fairly joyless affair. Timothy Dalton’s relentless frown doesn’t help. The plot (more defections, assassinations, and political backstabbing) is complicated the point of being absolutely baroque, so determined are the filmmakers in crafting a “real” spy thriller. Even reading a plot synopsis just now for this post, the Cheese Fry was hard pressed to figure out what the hell the point is. Trivia item: upon release, much was made of Bond’s out-of-character monogamy in the film, clearly influenced by the era’s AIDS fears.
20. A View to a Kill (1985) – Silly and pointless. There’s a lot that feels just wrong here, whether it’s Christopher Walken doing his usual weirdo schtick as a white-haired villain with a Lex Luthor-style plot to create earthquakes in California, Grace Jones strutting her weirdo look as Walken’s androgynous henchperson (who seems to belong in another, stranger movie), or the big climax taking place atop the Golden Gate Bridge with some very shoddy rear projection. And then there’s the sight of wrinkly 58-year-old Roger Moore macking with a sleek 31-year-old Tanya Roberts. Yes, the Moore era had to end here. The Duran Duran theme song is a guilty pleasure, however. Ed. note: here again a Bond film plot is echoing pop culture, this time it’s the booming PC craze that seems to have influenced the film’s Silicon Valley storyline – maybe it’s needlessly mean-spirited to suggest the Bond producers chase pop culture to maximize audience interest; perhaps instead one should look at the twists and turns of the series as an inevitable reflection of the time from which it came. If so, then the Bond films might offer an interesting way to chart evolving cultural concerns, interests, and fears of the West. Hmmm.
21. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) – It’s a part of the Saltzman-Broccoli-Eon canon, but it really doesn’t feel like a Bond movie, does it? It’s not George Lazenby’s fault. If he’d been allowed to continue, the Cheese Fry might have fonder feelings for this film. But his one-shot performance unavoidably makes this film the bastard stepchild of the series. Which is too bad, because Bond’s relationship and marriage (and eventual tragic widowhood) with Diana Rigg’s Tracy DiVincenzo gives this film an emotional center only Casino Royale ever successfully developed.
1.15.2007
"Previously on Heroes..."
“Six Months Ago”
Cool: One of the more interesting moments in this flashback episode is getting a glimpse of Eden’s hedonistic life in which she does whatever she wants whenever she wants thanks to her Jedi Mind Trick skill. (Poor Matt suffers yet another indignity when she makes him go eat a box of donuts.) But then she meets HRG and his Haitian sidekick and for the first time, someone tells her no.
Huh?: The Niki/Jessica subplot continues to plumb new depths of tedium. Now we learn that Jessica is Niki’s dead sister, which suggest more of a strange Stephen-King-style supernatural possession element, rather than a genetic superpower mutation. At the very least, this Jessica personality would seem to be rather rationally explained as some kind of multiple personality disorder. Is she in the right show?
Best Line: “I wanted to be important.” – Gabriel Gray, who will soon dub himself Sylar and become a hero-killer. This one line sums up the show’s entire appeal in the way it cleverly taps into our daydreaming wonder – as we’re stuck in traffic, dealing with a broken photocopier at work, or scrounging for extra coins to buy fast food – about what it might be like to be truly extraordinary.
Rising: Matt, a sad-sack guy in desperate need of a break. His repeated failings of the detective test, it turns out, isn’t because he’s dim-witted. He’s lot dyslexia. Which makes one wonder if his mind-reading is a mutation designed to help compensate for an inherent limitation. Could the hero mutations be a kind of strange survival response (e.g. the first time Nathan flies is to escape a car accident)? Hmmm.
“Fallout”
Cool: Attention must be paid to the show’s appropriately moody music, with twangy Indian motifs surely designed to evoke Chandra and Mohinder Suresh.
Cooler: As Niki/Jessica’s found out, it can be hard to put a bullet into a shapeshifter like D.L. Darn things just pass right through. But the first bullet wounds D.L., which suggests he has to consciously decide to “liquefy” himself. It’s not a default setting. Yes, the Cheese Fry is a nerd.
Coolest: HRG, it seems, has a boss.
Best Lines: “I’ve died before. It’s no big deal.” – Claire, who has and it wasn’t.
Rising: Claire, who gains more audience sympathy in being so perfectly isolated by her dad’s efforts to put a lid on her secret. The Haitian’s wiped everyone’s memory of her healing ability, including Zack, who was presumably her one and only friend (a strange concept given her status as popular cheerleader, but we’ll let it go). A teenager’s worst nightmare: no one understands her.
Falling: Hiro, who’s getting a little too self consciously cute with his squishy teleporting face, wide-eyed gee-whiz innocence, and stereotypically clunky English (see last week’s exclamation of “Greato scott!”). It was charming at first, but it feels more and more like the writers – and actor Masi Oka – are in on the joke.
Cool: One of the more interesting moments in this flashback episode is getting a glimpse of Eden’s hedonistic life in which she does whatever she wants whenever she wants thanks to her Jedi Mind Trick skill. (Poor Matt suffers yet another indignity when she makes him go eat a box of donuts.) But then she meets HRG and his Haitian sidekick and for the first time, someone tells her no.
Huh?: The Niki/Jessica subplot continues to plumb new depths of tedium. Now we learn that Jessica is Niki’s dead sister, which suggest more of a strange Stephen-King-style supernatural possession element, rather than a genetic superpower mutation. At the very least, this Jessica personality would seem to be rather rationally explained as some kind of multiple personality disorder. Is she in the right show?
Best Line: “I wanted to be important.” – Gabriel Gray, who will soon dub himself Sylar and become a hero-killer. This one line sums up the show’s entire appeal in the way it cleverly taps into our daydreaming wonder – as we’re stuck in traffic, dealing with a broken photocopier at work, or scrounging for extra coins to buy fast food – about what it might be like to be truly extraordinary.
Rising: Matt, a sad-sack guy in desperate need of a break. His repeated failings of the detective test, it turns out, isn’t because he’s dim-witted. He’s lot dyslexia. Which makes one wonder if his mind-reading is a mutation designed to help compensate for an inherent limitation. Could the hero mutations be a kind of strange survival response (e.g. the first time Nathan flies is to escape a car accident)? Hmmm.
“Fallout”
Cool: Attention must be paid to the show’s appropriately moody music, with twangy Indian motifs surely designed to evoke Chandra and Mohinder Suresh.
Cooler: As Niki/Jessica’s found out, it can be hard to put a bullet into a shapeshifter like D.L. Darn things just pass right through. But the first bullet wounds D.L., which suggests he has to consciously decide to “liquefy” himself. It’s not a default setting. Yes, the Cheese Fry is a nerd.
Coolest: HRG, it seems, has a boss.
Best Lines: “I’ve died before. It’s no big deal.” – Claire, who has and it wasn’t.
Rising: Claire, who gains more audience sympathy in being so perfectly isolated by her dad’s efforts to put a lid on her secret. The Haitian’s wiped everyone’s memory of her healing ability, including Zack, who was presumably her one and only friend (a strange concept given her status as popular cheerleader, but we’ll let it go). A teenager’s worst nightmare: no one understands her.
Falling: Hiro, who’s getting a little too self consciously cute with his squishy teleporting face, wide-eyed gee-whiz innocence, and stereotypically clunky English (see last week’s exclamation of “Greato scott!”). It was charming at first, but it feels more and more like the writers – and actor Masi Oka – are in on the joke.
1.14.2007
Things you probably didn’t know about your local multiplex theater (c. 1989)
* Torn ticket stubs get saved. Each day’s stubs goes into a plastic bag. And there are a lot of little bags in one of the storerooms. Not sure why.
* It’s true – if you can befriend someone who works at a theater, they will be able to get you in for free. Easily.
* The oil used to make the popcorn is horrible for you. (A classic employee exchange: “That oil’s the second worst thing you could possibly put into your body.” “What’s the first?” “Poison.”) It comes in steel canisters and is the consistency of cold Crisco. You have to shove a giant heating rod into that goo to melt it down and liquefy it enough to pop corn in it. Mmm.
* You will get mercilessly mocked and ridiculed once you leave the concession stand counter, especially if commit one of these three sins:
1. Insist on getting the popcorn that’s coming out of the popper (even better, you want to wait for the next batch)
2. Complain about the prices, as if the minimum wage worker serving you has any control over that
3. Decide that the time to finally look at the selections and make a choice is now, standing at the register, rather than the previous 15 minutes when you were standing in line
* The “butter” is probably just butter-flavored oil. Yuck.
* The best time to theater-hop (buy one ticket, stay all day) is probably during the day when it’s slow. No one cares.
* Theater carpets have intricate patterns to hide popcorn crumbs.
* The big multiplexes have only one projectionist to handle multiple screens and projectors. And projectionists are often pretty weird people. One in particular often slept at the theater – one corner of the booth was set up with a cot and blanket. He was particularly weird.
* A lot of the people working in theaters aren’t to be trusted. They’re working long hours for very little pay. They’re desperate and unscrupulous. One disgusting (and ingeniously complicated) scam involved selling to customers drinks in paper cups pulled from the trash to steal candy. In other words, to get one of these knuckleheads a free box of Raisinettes, you’d be drinking your Mr. Pibb from a cup someone used earlier in the day.
* Cleaning the theaters is the worst job in the whole building. No one wants that job and it’s because people like you are so damn messy. What a bunch of pigs.
* The cheese sauce that goes with your nachos gets saved every night. It’s poured into a big plastic 5-gallon drum and stored in the refrigerator. And when you’re pouring that hot cheese sauce into the drum and the steam floats up into your face and fogs your glasses, it smells like vomit.
* The hot dogs get saved every night, too. They can sometimes become fossilized. If you want a hot dog, just go to a baseball game.
* This is the pecking order for employees. At the top are the managers and assistant managers, who usually wear dressy clothes (i.e. a cheap tie) rather than the polyester uniforms. The most skilled and trustworthy regular employees will work the box office where the highest volume of business happens. Below them, the next skillful and trustworthy people work the concession stand counters (and only the best of that group are assigned to run the cash registers). At the very bottom are the idiots, slackers, and new hires. These are the ushers who clean theaters, tear tickets, and float around doing odd jobs like bring you more ice during a big rush.
* Stories about finding used condoms in the theaters after a show, thankfully, seem to be apocryphal. But ushers do find wads of cash, sometimes a lot.
* For the last time, THX has nothing to do with the movie. It’s a quality-control system for the theater speakers and acoustics. Idiots.
* It’s true – if you can befriend someone who works at a theater, they will be able to get you in for free. Easily.
* The oil used to make the popcorn is horrible for you. (A classic employee exchange: “That oil’s the second worst thing you could possibly put into your body.” “What’s the first?” “Poison.”) It comes in steel canisters and is the consistency of cold Crisco. You have to shove a giant heating rod into that goo to melt it down and liquefy it enough to pop corn in it. Mmm.
* You will get mercilessly mocked and ridiculed once you leave the concession stand counter, especially if commit one of these three sins:
1. Insist on getting the popcorn that’s coming out of the popper (even better, you want to wait for the next batch)
2. Complain about the prices, as if the minimum wage worker serving you has any control over that
3. Decide that the time to finally look at the selections and make a choice is now, standing at the register, rather than the previous 15 minutes when you were standing in line
* The “butter” is probably just butter-flavored oil. Yuck.
* The best time to theater-hop (buy one ticket, stay all day) is probably during the day when it’s slow. No one cares.
* Theater carpets have intricate patterns to hide popcorn crumbs.
* The big multiplexes have only one projectionist to handle multiple screens and projectors. And projectionists are often pretty weird people. One in particular often slept at the theater – one corner of the booth was set up with a cot and blanket. He was particularly weird.
* A lot of the people working in theaters aren’t to be trusted. They’re working long hours for very little pay. They’re desperate and unscrupulous. One disgusting (and ingeniously complicated) scam involved selling to customers drinks in paper cups pulled from the trash to steal candy. In other words, to get one of these knuckleheads a free box of Raisinettes, you’d be drinking your Mr. Pibb from a cup someone used earlier in the day.
* Cleaning the theaters is the worst job in the whole building. No one wants that job and it’s because people like you are so damn messy. What a bunch of pigs.
* The cheese sauce that goes with your nachos gets saved every night. It’s poured into a big plastic 5-gallon drum and stored in the refrigerator. And when you’re pouring that hot cheese sauce into the drum and the steam floats up into your face and fogs your glasses, it smells like vomit.
* The hot dogs get saved every night, too. They can sometimes become fossilized. If you want a hot dog, just go to a baseball game.
* This is the pecking order for employees. At the top are the managers and assistant managers, who usually wear dressy clothes (i.e. a cheap tie) rather than the polyester uniforms. The most skilled and trustworthy regular employees will work the box office where the highest volume of business happens. Below them, the next skillful and trustworthy people work the concession stand counters (and only the best of that group are assigned to run the cash registers). At the very bottom are the idiots, slackers, and new hires. These are the ushers who clean theaters, tear tickets, and float around doing odd jobs like bring you more ice during a big rush.
* Stories about finding used condoms in the theaters after a show, thankfully, seem to be apocryphal. But ushers do find wads of cash, sometimes a lot.
* For the last time, THX has nothing to do with the movie. It’s a quality-control system for the theater speakers and acoustics. Idiots.
1.04.2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)