1 Slumdog Millionaire – There’s a lot going on in this epic story: star-crossed love, rags to riches redemption, brutal crimes, resilient orphans. It’s Charles Dickens meets Bollywood. You can spend a lot of time slicing and dicing the film’s layered themes and symbolism or the way it so skillfully shifts gears from comedy to tragedy. The lasting impact of this film in exporting Indian culture to a wide Western audience cannot be overestimated. Memorably indelible.
Our knee-jerk review
2 Wall-E – Pixar movies are so consistently smart and sleek that superlative adjectives begin to lose all meaning. This one, however, may be the best yet, mashing together a critique of all-American consumerism, a cautionary tale of ecological ruin, and – most satisfying of all – a poignant
romance between two robots far more endearing and vivid than most glossy Hollywood romantic comedies. The first half-hour, which is almost completely without dialogue, is particularly magical. An instant classic.
3 Iron Man – Imagine Bruce Wayne without all the psychological baggage, a multi-millionaire who might actually, like, you know, enjoy fighting crime with cool gizmos. The movie’s got a dark edge to it in that it deals with the morality of arms dealing and the mortality of the main character. But mostly it’s sunny, fizzy fun thanks to Robert Downey, Jr. in a role he was born to play. This one ranks up there with Spiderman 2 and X-Men as one of the best superhero movies ever. Far more humor than you’d expect.
Our knee-jerk review
4 Cloverfield – Godzilla from the point of view of the screaming citizens. How’s that for high concept? The first 15 minutes can be tedious as the (yes, we admit it, cardboard) characters get introduced, but once the monster attacks, it’s a powerhouse roller-coaster of a movie and a special effects tour de force. Dig that leaned-over skyscraper. Extra credit for a surprisingly downbeat, somber vibe where a happy ending is not a sure thing. Vastly underrated.
Our knee-jerk review
5 Rachel Getting Married– This is what’s so great about independent filmmaking. Flawed characters get together and talk about why they’re so flawed and how they might (or might not) get better, ugly dark family secrets are pushed into the daylight, editors don’t have to conform to trendy chop-chop-chop rapid-fire cuts, perky Hollywood stars like Anne Hathway get to prove that they really can act, and established talents like Debra Winger have a chance to remind us how good they can be.
Our knee-jerk review
6 Gran Torino – A lean, gritty little movie about letting go of hateful habits and embracing the possibility of redemption. Eastwood hits the jackpot playing a surly Korean War veteran who still has some ass-whooping left in the tank. Some have rightfully pointed out that had Eastwood’s character unleashed his slurs on African-Americans rather than Asian-Americans he might not be so amusing a character. In a strange way, that’s just the sort of uncomfortable question about race that drives the whole movie.
Our knee-jerk review
7 Hancock – A lot of movies pay lip service to exploring “what it would be like if superheroes were real,” but this film really runs with the idea. A cranky superhero who’s blamed for the property damage he causes, drinks to forget the weight of responsibility on his shoulders, and ultimately hires a PR flack to help rehab his image. And that’s just the first half of the film. Midway through, the story takes a wooly left turn that Changes Everything. But you have to go with it. Seriously. Don’t fight it. Embrace the plot twist. You won’t be disappointed.
Our knee-jerk review
8-9 Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Role Models– Don’t believe for a minute that the sloppy train wreck that was Tropic Thunder was the best comedy of the year. These two are more hilarious by a factor of at least five. And far more plausible. There’s comic alchemy at work here, matching actors playing to their persona strengths (e.g. Jason Segel’s sensitive shlub, Paul Rudd’s wiseass misanthrope) with comic filmmakers at the top of their form (Nicholas Stoller and David Wain).
10 The Dark Knight – Make no mistake: this is one extremely overrated movie. There’s too much story, the film straining at the seams to contain all of the subplots and characters and themes. Smaller would have been better. But we must begrudgingly admit that few “popcorn” summer movies would ever dare to tackle such epic ideas about justice and obsession. And there’s nothing overrated at all about Heath Ledger’s blistering performance as the Joker. He makes you forget all about Jack Nicholson’s take on the character. Ledger’s creative fire will be sorely missed.
Our knee-jerk review
11 The Visitor – The quietest, simplest, and most human film on the list. What would you do if you found a Muslim couple squatting in your apartment? It’s a look at how small choices can have big consequences, how the middle-aged can always start over, and, on a bigger scale, how American immigration policy can be aggressively (and perhaps needlessly) impersonal and heartless. The lead role was written specifically for Richard Jenkins and it shows. He’s pitch perfect.
12 The Reader – There’s indeed something tired about Holocaust movies, which often seem to have been designed to wow critics and win awards. And a lot of what happens in this movie is fairly familiar. It’s the tragic characters that make the story pop, locked as they are into self-destructive choices fueled by shameful secrets. The final 20 minutes pack a real punch. Stephen Daltry’s only directed three movies – all three have been nominated for Best Picture. That’s quite a track record.
Honorable Mention: Baby Mama, Frost/Nixon, The House Bunny, In Bruges, Kung Fu Panda, Marley and Me, Man on Wire, Milk, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Quantum of Solace, The Ruins, and Wanted.
The Worst of 2008 (in alphabetical order)
Changeling – If the Angelina Jolie character were played by Valerie Bertinelli, this would be right at home on Lifetime. You wouldn’t have to change a word. It was the best of times, it was the worst of time, huh, Clint? (See #6 above.)
Our knee-jerk review
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button – This is one of those stuffy, stiff movies that tries so very hard to be Important that it fails miserably to be engaging on any level other than the lush production design. We couldn’t wait for it to be over.
Our knee-jerk review
The Happening – It’s safe to say the bloom is off the M. Night Shyamalan rose. What was once a strong brand name is now a joke. A terribly silly movie with a ridiculous ending. Avoid it like the plague. You have been warned.
Our knee-jerk review
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls – We liked it at first, too. But upon further review, we cannot endorse this disappointing, lazy exercise in George Lucas ego stroking. He wanted aliens and by God, he got aliens over the objections of just about everyone involved. Thanks, George. Way to ruin one of our childhood icons. Aliens. Seriously?
Tropic Thunder – Robert Downey, Jr. is amazing, no doubt. And the “Simple Jack” bits are hilarious. This slapdash mess is never as funny as it thinks it is. It certainly could have been a great comedy, but that would have required more rewrites and a clearer, sharper vision than director Ben Stiller can bring to bear. The people making the movie seem to be having a lot more fun that you will be watching it.
Our knee-jerk review
Vantage Point – If you saw the kickass trailer, you probably wanted to see this movie. Sadly, the movie they sold is not the movie that they made. It’s something that happens a lot in Hollywood, but the transgression is never this insulting. It’s cheap, implausible trash that thinks it’s Three Days of the Condor.
Our knee-jerk review
X Files I Want to Believe – This is how you kill a movie franchise. It’s not even up to the level of a mediocre episode of the series.
The Cheese Fry wishes the above list were more exhaustive and comprehensive, but time and budget realities meant that we simply didn’t get a chance to see everything. Films we heard very good things about but have yet to find out first-hand: Doubt, Frozen River, Happy Go Lucky, I’ve Loved You So Long, Nothing But the Truth, and Vicky Christina Barcelona.
2.24.2009
2.22.2009
Knee-jerk review: 81st Annual Academy Awards
1. We think next year's hosts should be Tina Fey and Steve Martin.
2. For a second there, we thought we were watching the Tonys. What was the point of all of that nonsense with Beyonce?
3. Ben Stiller is quickly becoming very annoying. If we were a cinematographer about to get an Oscar, we wouldn't be at all pleased with Stiller schticking it up on stage as the nominees were being announced. Not everyone gets six figure paydays. For some of those DPs, this may be the highlight of their career. Jackass.
4. Sean Penn, huh? Interesting.
5. Poor Meryl Streep. No way does she win again until she's in her 70s or something, if she wins again at all. Folks just don't win three Oscars. She probably won her two too soon in her career. This is also why Tom Hanks may not get another one.
6. The "In Memoriam" bit is always creepily fascinating. But this year not only do we have to hear Queen Latifah singing, but we can't even get a good look at the dead filmmakers what with the theater camera swooping and spinning. How about just cutting to a direct feed of the video?
7. Zac Efron at the Oscars. Really?
8. There was something appealingly intimate about the acting awards, with past winners directly addressing the nominees. Then again, there was also something irritating about it as well, more egotistical self-congratulation between actors, the neediest, most messed-up people in show business. It would have been cool to have seen the same format for the directors and writers, but no one knows what they look like, huh?
9. The show still feels bloated with a lot of junk we don't need to see.
10. The right film won Best Picture.
2. For a second there, we thought we were watching the Tonys. What was the point of all of that nonsense with Beyonce?
3. Ben Stiller is quickly becoming very annoying. If we were a cinematographer about to get an Oscar, we wouldn't be at all pleased with Stiller schticking it up on stage as the nominees were being announced. Not everyone gets six figure paydays. For some of those DPs, this may be the highlight of their career. Jackass.
4. Sean Penn, huh? Interesting.
5. Poor Meryl Streep. No way does she win again until she's in her 70s or something, if she wins again at all. Folks just don't win three Oscars. She probably won her two too soon in her career. This is also why Tom Hanks may not get another one.
6. The "In Memoriam" bit is always creepily fascinating. But this year not only do we have to hear Queen Latifah singing, but we can't even get a good look at the dead filmmakers what with the theater camera swooping and spinning. How about just cutting to a direct feed of the video?
7. Zac Efron at the Oscars. Really?
8. There was something appealingly intimate about the acting awards, with past winners directly addressing the nominees. Then again, there was also something irritating about it as well, more egotistical self-congratulation between actors, the neediest, most messed-up people in show business. It would have been cool to have seen the same format for the directors and writers, but no one knows what they look like, huh?
9. The show still feels bloated with a lot of junk we don't need to see.
10. The right film won Best Picture.
2.21.2009
"Let's get outta here!"
Some sort of official cinematic study once said that "Let's get outta here" was the most common, most used line of movie dialogue ever. What movie doesn't use that line?
KevinLehane.com offers a long list of even more overused cliched dialogue.
KevinLehane.com offers a long list of even more overused cliched dialogue.
Threequels
Something called DanMeth.com offers an interesting graphic examining the quality of popular movie trilogies. The Cheese Fry would, of course, rate Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan much higher.
2.15.2009
Knee-jerk review: "He's Just Not That Into You"
1. It's cuter that we expected.
2. It's all very familiar. We've seen most of this before. But that doesn't mean it's a bad movie.
3. Sorry, Justin Long. No way did we believe you for a second as some kind of horndog expert on women. You look like the goofy kid brother of a real horndog expert on women.
4. It was fun to see how these many characters and subplot interlocked and overlapped. That's often the charm of these kinds of ensemble movies.
5. The filmmakers worked a little too hard to try and make Jennifer Connelly's character appear unlikable so that Bradley Cooper would appear somewhat sympathetic in his actions. We didn't fall for it.
6. The Actress Hotness Factor is way off the charts here. Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, and Ginnifer Goodwin.
7. How cool would it be to own and manage a hip bar like The Supper Club?
8. "You're my exception."
9. In typical glossy Hollywood romantic-comedy tradition, the characters all have exotic professions (see #7 above; three of the characters work in sales/marketing for a trendy spice company, for crying out loud) and live in ridiculously sleek and expensive lofts, townhomes, and/or yachts that would cost millions in the real world. This isn't how most American moviegoers live.
10. Drew Barrymore looks weird.
11. You can tell the movie's dated by all of the MySpace mentions and not a peep about Facebook.
12. The guy on the dock, the one giving his "testimonial" to the camera? Dude looks like he's reading cue cards. What the hell?
13. It's way more enjoyable than the vaguely mean-spirited and designer-labeled Sex in the City movie.
2. It's all very familiar. We've seen most of this before. But that doesn't mean it's a bad movie.
3. Sorry, Justin Long. No way did we believe you for a second as some kind of horndog expert on women. You look like the goofy kid brother of a real horndog expert on women.
4. It was fun to see how these many characters and subplot interlocked and overlapped. That's often the charm of these kinds of ensemble movies.
5. The filmmakers worked a little too hard to try and make Jennifer Connelly's character appear unlikable so that Bradley Cooper would appear somewhat sympathetic in his actions. We didn't fall for it.
6. The Actress Hotness Factor is way off the charts here. Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson, and Ginnifer Goodwin.
7. How cool would it be to own and manage a hip bar like The Supper Club?
8. "You're my exception."
9. In typical glossy Hollywood romantic-comedy tradition, the characters all have exotic professions (see #7 above; three of the characters work in sales/marketing for a trendy spice company, for crying out loud) and live in ridiculously sleek and expensive lofts, townhomes, and/or yachts that would cost millions in the real world. This isn't how most American moviegoers live.
10. Drew Barrymore looks weird.
11. You can tell the movie's dated by all of the MySpace mentions and not a peep about Facebook.
12. The guy on the dock, the one giving his "testimonial" to the camera? Dude looks like he's reading cue cards. What the hell?
13. It's way more enjoyable than the vaguely mean-spirited and designer-labeled Sex in the City movie.
Knee-jerk review: "The Wrestler"
1. Mickey Rourke is pretty convincing here. Believe the hype.
2. But, man, is this one grim and depressing story.
3. That last shot surely means what we think it means, but it'd be nice if somehow it didn't.
4. Barbed wire? Seriously?
5. If you think back on the real-world 1980s wrestlers, they really have all disappeared into the pop culture murk with the exception of Hulk Hogan. If Randy the Ram had a halfway decent agent or manager, surely he could have gotten himself a VH1 reality show.
6. But how is it that the movie's Ayatollah character transitioned into middle-class affluence while Randy the Ram spiraled down into blue-collar misery so tragically?
7. Marisa Tomei indeed does get topless (often) and does indeed look good for a 45-year-old. Believe the hype.
8. Looking at Randy the Ram's broken body and lonely soul craving the spotlight and you think: this is surely where most of the mid-level professional athletes eventually end up. Especially those who never made the multi-year, multi-million dollar contracts.
9. "What'll it be, spring chicken?" The deli counter scenes are great.
10. The wrestling scenes, by contrast, are tough to watch. These guys are bloodied and beaten for an adoring crowd whose cheers grow louder the more violent and outrageous the spectacle. God bless America.
2. But, man, is this one grim and depressing story.
3. That last shot surely means what we think it means, but it'd be nice if somehow it didn't.
4. Barbed wire? Seriously?
5. If you think back on the real-world 1980s wrestlers, they really have all disappeared into the pop culture murk with the exception of Hulk Hogan. If Randy the Ram had a halfway decent agent or manager, surely he could have gotten himself a VH1 reality show.
6. But how is it that the movie's Ayatollah character transitioned into middle-class affluence while Randy the Ram spiraled down into blue-collar misery so tragically?
7. Marisa Tomei indeed does get topless (often) and does indeed look good for a 45-year-old. Believe the hype.
8. Looking at Randy the Ram's broken body and lonely soul craving the spotlight and you think: this is surely where most of the mid-level professional athletes eventually end up. Especially those who never made the multi-year, multi-million dollar contracts.
9. "What'll it be, spring chicken?" The deli counter scenes are great.
10. The wrestling scenes, by contrast, are tough to watch. These guys are bloodied and beaten for an adoring crowd whose cheers grow louder the more violent and outrageous the spectacle. God bless America.
2.14.2009
She sees dead people
NBC's "Medium" is back, one of those off-the-radar bubble shows that quietly earns ratings and repeatedly (and rather surprisingly) squeaks by with a network renewal. It's an odd show. Especially stuck as it is in a marketplace packed full of homogeneous product that's often either A) dour police/forensic procedurals or B) snarky reality competitions.
"Medium" shares the basic premise of Jennifer Love Hewitt's "Ghost Whisperer," (cute psychic solves mysteries) but without the cheese and overwrought melodrama. In fact, strange as it sounds, what makes "Medium" so compelling is that so much of it seems so ordinary.
Yes, the show presents each week a grisly crime that would fit right in on "CSI," committed by the most diabolical and shameless characters the world has to offer, although all of them commit their misdeeds in the confines of sunny Phoenix, Arizona. And yes, there is a tired formula to the crime-solving thread of the show: psychic protagonist has dreams about the crime, misunderstands the dreams and begins to think she's Got It All Wrong, but in the end at the last minute realizes her dreams were right and uses them to help catch the bad guy. And her batting average is so high that it often feels very phony to witness her time and again face doubt and resistance among her police colleagues. Then again, it's also pretty phony to see how an ostensible jury consultant to the D.A.'s office is frequenty allowed to help question suspects.
But right alongside all that detective work and criminal mayhem is the suburban, middle-class existence of psychic mom (Patricia Arquette), mortal dad (Jake Weber), and their three blonde psychic daughters. But it's not a high-concept family out of Marvel Comics. This is a family struggling with bills, constantly making meals and washing the dishes, driving around in a beat-up Volvo, coping with the father's layoff, and - oh yeah - facing the inevitable fallout and stress caused by psychic mom's visions. And all of it with the charming crackle of writing you'd expect from Glenn Gordon Caron, the showrunner who also brought you the late, great 80s dramedy "Moonlighting." The casual, sexy chemistry between Arquette and Weber is particularly appealing, the most realistic and loving married couple on television now, second only perhaps to the Taylors on "Friday Night Lights." This is the kind of thing you just don't get on network television, where flirty coworkers is about as serious a relationship as viewers are typically allowed.
There's also a sense that because the show isn't a trendy, supersized hit the producers can take certain creative risks. They throw a lot at the wall to see what sticks. Many of the psychic visions are chilling and visual in striking ways, oftentimes with a genuine sense of poetry.
It's good stuff.
The two most recent episodes can be found at Hulu. The ending of "Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead" is especially satisfying.
"Medium" shares the basic premise of Jennifer Love Hewitt's "Ghost Whisperer," (cute psychic solves mysteries) but without the cheese and overwrought melodrama. In fact, strange as it sounds, what makes "Medium" so compelling is that so much of it seems so ordinary.
Yes, the show presents each week a grisly crime that would fit right in on "CSI," committed by the most diabolical and shameless characters the world has to offer, although all of them commit their misdeeds in the confines of sunny Phoenix, Arizona. And yes, there is a tired formula to the crime-solving thread of the show: psychic protagonist has dreams about the crime, misunderstands the dreams and begins to think she's Got It All Wrong, but in the end at the last minute realizes her dreams were right and uses them to help catch the bad guy. And her batting average is so high that it often feels very phony to witness her time and again face doubt and resistance among her police colleagues. Then again, it's also pretty phony to see how an ostensible jury consultant to the D.A.'s office is frequenty allowed to help question suspects.
But right alongside all that detective work and criminal mayhem is the suburban, middle-class existence of psychic mom (Patricia Arquette), mortal dad (Jake Weber), and their three blonde psychic daughters. But it's not a high-concept family out of Marvel Comics. This is a family struggling with bills, constantly making meals and washing the dishes, driving around in a beat-up Volvo, coping with the father's layoff, and - oh yeah - facing the inevitable fallout and stress caused by psychic mom's visions. And all of it with the charming crackle of writing you'd expect from Glenn Gordon Caron, the showrunner who also brought you the late, great 80s dramedy "Moonlighting." The casual, sexy chemistry between Arquette and Weber is particularly appealing, the most realistic and loving married couple on television now, second only perhaps to the Taylors on "Friday Night Lights." This is the kind of thing you just don't get on network television, where flirty coworkers is about as serious a relationship as viewers are typically allowed.
There's also a sense that because the show isn't a trendy, supersized hit the producers can take certain creative risks. They throw a lot at the wall to see what sticks. Many of the psychic visions are chilling and visual in striking ways, oftentimes with a genuine sense of poetry.
It's good stuff.
The two most recent episodes can be found at Hulu. The ending of "Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead" is especially satisfying.
Top five days of the week
1. Saturday - For obvious reasons.
2. Thursday - Sometimes getting there is half the fun.
3. Friday - The possibilities are endless, aren't they?
4. Wednesday - Some call it hump day.
5. Sunday - But only the morning and early afternoon.
2. Thursday - Sometimes getting there is half the fun.
3. Friday - The possibilities are endless, aren't they?
4. Wednesday - Some call it hump day.
5. Sunday - But only the morning and early afternoon.
2.08.2009
Knee-jerk review: "Taken"
1. It's pretty frakkin' awesome.
2. There's a lot of Hollywood actors we think could make for a good action hero. But Liam Neeson isn't one of them.
3. Until now.
4. The Cheese Fry wishes he could thrash anyone with just a few quick moves like Neeson's character. How much fun would that be?
5. Enough with the rapid, jittery chop-chop-chop editing and zooms and pans in action sequences. We get it. Things are all, like, crazy and kinetic when the adrenaline's flowing and asses are being kicked and cars are getting crashed. Woo hoo! Just remember that audiences sometimes, every so often, like to see what's happening on screen.
6. Famke Jannsen is 44 and still smoking hot.
7. Love the dropping-the-bullets-onto-the-table bit. Wow.
8. Would you let your 17-year-old daughter go unaccompanied to Paris? Neither would we.
9. A lot of folks get killed in this movie, but there's a surprising lack of blood. Credit the PG-13 rating.
10. The class warfare element of the story, in which the very rich prove to be very evil, will surely strike a chord in today's culture.
11. The script can be cheesy and simplistic, but it's also very efficient, especially in the first 20 minutes when we meet the characters and understand their situations.
12. It's a lot like the Mel Gibson movie Payback, but with more likable characters and less over-the-top violence.
13. Neeson has a number of great "don't mess with me" moments with scum and villainy that will make you want to clap your hands. It's that kind of movie.
14. It's also the kind of movie that works best if you disengage the logic portion of your brain. Neeson's success depends on a number of lucky happenstances and coincidences that fequently happen to dashing A-list actors. (Okay, maybe Neeson is B-list. You're so picky.)
15. Go see it.
2. There's a lot of Hollywood actors we think could make for a good action hero. But Liam Neeson isn't one of them.
3. Until now.
4. The Cheese Fry wishes he could thrash anyone with just a few quick moves like Neeson's character. How much fun would that be?
5. Enough with the rapid, jittery chop-chop-chop editing and zooms and pans in action sequences. We get it. Things are all, like, crazy and kinetic when the adrenaline's flowing and asses are being kicked and cars are getting crashed. Woo hoo! Just remember that audiences sometimes, every so often, like to see what's happening on screen.
6. Famke Jannsen is 44 and still smoking hot.
7. Love the dropping-the-bullets-onto-the-table bit. Wow.
8. Would you let your 17-year-old daughter go unaccompanied to Paris? Neither would we.
9. A lot of folks get killed in this movie, but there's a surprising lack of blood. Credit the PG-13 rating.
10. The class warfare element of the story, in which the very rich prove to be very evil, will surely strike a chord in today's culture.
11. The script can be cheesy and simplistic, but it's also very efficient, especially in the first 20 minutes when we meet the characters and understand their situations.
12. It's a lot like the Mel Gibson movie Payback, but with more likable characters and less over-the-top violence.
13. Neeson has a number of great "don't mess with me" moments with scum and villainy that will make you want to clap your hands. It's that kind of movie.
14. It's also the kind of movie that works best if you disengage the logic portion of your brain. Neeson's success depends on a number of lucky happenstances and coincidences that fequently happen to dashing A-list actors. (Okay, maybe Neeson is B-list. You're so picky.)
15. Go see it.
2.03.2009
"So say we all."
The acclaimed SciFi Channel series "Battlestar Galactica" is at last back on the air for its final handful of episodes. For the geeks who've been following the show, its return is cause for nerd celebration. If you've missed it thus far, you may find yourself hopelessly lost if you try to dive in now. Better to start from the beginning on DVD. The show is densely layered and serialized like few shows are.
"Battlestar Galactica" surely ranks among the very best that TV has to offer right now, but (like ABC's "Lost") it's often too inconsistent and frustrating to hit the home run. But when the show is clicking, as it was in last week's riveting mutiny episode "The Oath," no other show can touch it. The dialogue crackles, the plotting often surprises, and the acting is strong. Face it: if the show were running on HBO or NBC, it would have already won a clutch of Emmys.
This is what science fiction is all about - using a futuristic, otherworldly setting to explore problems in contemporary culture. For the last few years, "Battlestar" has raised sticky questions about terrorism, war crimes, martial law, and freedom. This season there's been an unexpected turn into racism and Nazi-style extermination. Without question, this is the grimmest, darkest show to have ever aired. There's often not much levity or charm to be found. Even "The Sopranos" often threw in black comedy. And bubbling in the background to all of this are deep questions about humanity. What does it mean to be human? Are humans defined purely by blood and flesh? If you've lived your whole life engaged in a friendship with someone you find out is a machine, does that make them any less human?
The show often loses its footing when it starts to dig into the convoluted religion of the characters. There's some pretty hoary double-talk dialogue to sort through, lines that sound cool but often don't really make sense. Even so, give the show credit for even trying to tackle those kinds of spiritual issues about God and fate.
Clearly, we're a long way from Dirk Benedict gambling on that Las Vegas spaceship back in 1978.
Come April, "Battlestar" will be off the air. And it will be missed.
This month, Los Angeles magazine's Steve Erickson offers a comprehensive look at the show's appeal.
"Battlestar Galactica" surely ranks among the very best that TV has to offer right now, but (like ABC's "Lost") it's often too inconsistent and frustrating to hit the home run. But when the show is clicking, as it was in last week's riveting mutiny episode "The Oath," no other show can touch it. The dialogue crackles, the plotting often surprises, and the acting is strong. Face it: if the show were running on HBO or NBC, it would have already won a clutch of Emmys.
This is what science fiction is all about - using a futuristic, otherworldly setting to explore problems in contemporary culture. For the last few years, "Battlestar" has raised sticky questions about terrorism, war crimes, martial law, and freedom. This season there's been an unexpected turn into racism and Nazi-style extermination. Without question, this is the grimmest, darkest show to have ever aired. There's often not much levity or charm to be found. Even "The Sopranos" often threw in black comedy. And bubbling in the background to all of this are deep questions about humanity. What does it mean to be human? Are humans defined purely by blood and flesh? If you've lived your whole life engaged in a friendship with someone you find out is a machine, does that make them any less human?
The show often loses its footing when it starts to dig into the convoluted religion of the characters. There's some pretty hoary double-talk dialogue to sort through, lines that sound cool but often don't really make sense. Even so, give the show credit for even trying to tackle those kinds of spiritual issues about God and fate.
Clearly, we're a long way from Dirk Benedict gambling on that Las Vegas spaceship back in 1978.
Come April, "Battlestar" will be off the air. And it will be missed.
This month, Los Angeles magazine's Steve Erickson offers a comprehensive look at the show's appeal.
2.02.2009
Playboy vs. reality
The fine folks at Wired magazine offer another clever graph analysis of pop culture. This one tracks the differences between Playboy centerfold body types and "civilian" body types. In the 1960s, the centerfolds were a fair approximation of the typical American woman. No more.
Open Letter to 28B
To the self-centered, dickhead passenger sitting across the aisle from us on Flight 2055:
You, sir, are a jackass of the first order.
Whereas you continued to conduct your lengthy cell phone call far after the announcement was made to turn off all electronic devices, a call that included such vital pieces of business as discussing Superbowl party plans, giving detailed driving directions to your children who presumably had never heard of Mapquest, and urging those same surely insufferable children to let you know what they decide to do about the Superbowl party.
Whereas you began the phone call with the pushy and irritating "Who's this?" when the person you were calling said "Hello?"
Whereas your likewise annoying wife also had to make similarly lengthy, pre-departure cell phone calls
Whereas anytime you spoke, you chose to do so as loudly as possible, not considering that perhaps those around you might not be so eager to hear anything you had to say
Whereas you asked the flight attendant serving beverages to please mix together two different kind of juices (but not tomato) so that your sophisticated and pampered palate might find the proper quenching, thinking perhaps you were at some snotty country club rather than crammed into coach like those of us who were okay with Diet Coke
Whereas you kept politely quiet until your pre-mixed beverage was delivered, but then decided to ask for the flight attendant's life story, thereby tying her up in your droning, uninteresting conversation and preventing anyone else from getting their beverage
Whereas you decided to intercept another passenger innocently passing by on his way to the bathroom to engage him in another of your now-patented pointless and asinine chit-chats about whatever came into your pea brain, again conducting this conversation in a loud speaking voice just inches from other passengers trying to sleep or read quietly
Whereas this loud conversation lasted 30 minutes and including fascinating details about your stupid jobs, your stupid colleges, and your stupid friends and family
Whereas this loud conversation also clogged the aisle and forced other passengers to squeeze past you and your new best friend forever
Whereas the "please fasten your seat belts" sign didn't apply to you
Together, these make you an expert in the fine art of jackassery. As a reward, we spent most of the flight wishing great harm to befall you. May a beating with a stick be in your future.
You, sir, are a jackass of the first order.
Whereas you continued to conduct your lengthy cell phone call far after the announcement was made to turn off all electronic devices, a call that included such vital pieces of business as discussing Superbowl party plans, giving detailed driving directions to your children who presumably had never heard of Mapquest, and urging those same surely insufferable children to let you know what they decide to do about the Superbowl party.
Whereas you began the phone call with the pushy and irritating "Who's this?" when the person you were calling said "Hello?"
Whereas your likewise annoying wife also had to make similarly lengthy, pre-departure cell phone calls
Whereas anytime you spoke, you chose to do so as loudly as possible, not considering that perhaps those around you might not be so eager to hear anything you had to say
Whereas you asked the flight attendant serving beverages to please mix together two different kind of juices (but not tomato) so that your sophisticated and pampered palate might find the proper quenching, thinking perhaps you were at some snotty country club rather than crammed into coach like those of us who were okay with Diet Coke
Whereas you kept politely quiet until your pre-mixed beverage was delivered, but then decided to ask for the flight attendant's life story, thereby tying her up in your droning, uninteresting conversation and preventing anyone else from getting their beverage
Whereas you decided to intercept another passenger innocently passing by on his way to the bathroom to engage him in another of your now-patented pointless and asinine chit-chats about whatever came into your pea brain, again conducting this conversation in a loud speaking voice just inches from other passengers trying to sleep or read quietly
Whereas this loud conversation lasted 30 minutes and including fascinating details about your stupid jobs, your stupid colleges, and your stupid friends and family
Whereas this loud conversation also clogged the aisle and forced other passengers to squeeze past you and your new best friend forever
Whereas the "please fasten your seat belts" sign didn't apply to you
Together, these make you an expert in the fine art of jackassery. As a reward, we spent most of the flight wishing great harm to befall you. May a beating with a stick be in your future.
1.23.2009
43 in 8
Can you name all 43 presidents in 8 minutes? We got all but 11. The late 19th century is the black hole of presidents. Courtesy Mental Floss.
1.20.2009
Knee-jerk review: "Slumdog Millionaire"
1. Overall, we'd have to say... yeah, it really is that good.
2. There's movies, there's films, and then there's cinema. This is cinema. Kinetic, lush, urgent, and wholly immersive. It really is a tour de force.
3. The artistry isn't really apparent until the last 20 minutes or so. Only at the end do the many pieces start to align, the themes come together, and the magic emerges. It's a cumulative effect. When the credits roll, you'll feel it. And it will stick with you.
4. Don't let the Fox Searchlight advertising campaign fool you, though. There are uplifting moments here. But it's also, you know, about life in the slums. Where survival isn't easy and is often harsh, unfair, and ruthless. It's rated R for a reason.
5. Freida Pinto? Wow.
6. Much is made about American director Steven Soderbergh (required viewing: Out of Sight, The Limey, Ocean's Eleven, Solaris) and the way he skillfully handles all kinds of genres and styles. Danny Boyle is surely the UK equivalent. The movie he made before this one was a brainy sci-fi thriller called Sunshine.
7. As expected, there's a debate starting to brew about the movie's artistic integrity. Look for more of this when the film gets Oscar nominations, as it surely will. Are the filmmakers honoring Indian culture by exporting it around the world or ripping off the fizzy Bollywood aesthetic and claiming it as their own? Is the movie exposing ugly realities about Indian slums or exploiting the poverty for drama? Does the movie make India look good or bad? Should that even be a concern for the filmmakers or should they focus on simply telling a good story?
8. On one hand, Salim is a really bad guy. Then again, it's only because he's willing to get his hands dirty that Jamal has a chance at a decent life.
9. The Cheese Fry hasn't yet seen The Wrestler, but so far, Slumdog is far and away a better film than the other supposed Best-Picture Oscar contenders The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, or Milk.
10. How can you not love the dance number?
11. Would you have said B or D? When you see it, you'll know what we're talking about.
2. There's movies, there's films, and then there's cinema. This is cinema. Kinetic, lush, urgent, and wholly immersive. It really is a tour de force.
3. The artistry isn't really apparent until the last 20 minutes or so. Only at the end do the many pieces start to align, the themes come together, and the magic emerges. It's a cumulative effect. When the credits roll, you'll feel it. And it will stick with you.
4. Don't let the Fox Searchlight advertising campaign fool you, though. There are uplifting moments here. But it's also, you know, about life in the slums. Where survival isn't easy and is often harsh, unfair, and ruthless. It's rated R for a reason.
5. Freida Pinto? Wow.
6. Much is made about American director Steven Soderbergh (required viewing: Out of Sight, The Limey, Ocean's Eleven, Solaris) and the way he skillfully handles all kinds of genres and styles. Danny Boyle is surely the UK equivalent. The movie he made before this one was a brainy sci-fi thriller called Sunshine.
7. As expected, there's a debate starting to brew about the movie's artistic integrity. Look for more of this when the film gets Oscar nominations, as it surely will. Are the filmmakers honoring Indian culture by exporting it around the world or ripping off the fizzy Bollywood aesthetic and claiming it as their own? Is the movie exposing ugly realities about Indian slums or exploiting the poverty for drama? Does the movie make India look good or bad? Should that even be a concern for the filmmakers or should they focus on simply telling a good story?
8. On one hand, Salim is a really bad guy. Then again, it's only because he's willing to get his hands dirty that Jamal has a chance at a decent life.
9. The Cheese Fry hasn't yet seen The Wrestler, but so far, Slumdog is far and away a better film than the other supposed Best-Picture Oscar contenders The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, or Milk.
10. How can you not love the dance number?
11. Would you have said B or D? When you see it, you'll know what we're talking about.
Knee-jerk review: "The Reader"
1. It's hard to think of another respected, A-list actress who likes to get naked on screen as much as Kate Winslet. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
2. The first half hour is fairly predictable. You've seen the older woman/younger man thing played out many times before. It's not that fresh.
3. But then the movie takes an unexpected turn that, as they say, Changes Everything.
4. The final half hour packs a big punch and raises sticky, complicated questions about justice, love, and morality.
5. Ralph Fiennes first got noticed playing a villainous Nazi in Schindler's List. It was a brave, riveting performance. Since then, however, he's made a career of playing milquetoast wallflowers. He continues that trend here.
6. The old age makeup for Winslet? Not so good.
7. It's definitely one of those movies that feels designed to win awards and wow critics. It's a textbook indie prestige movie: adapted from a book, European period setting, non-American actors, big important themes, tasteful (if explicit) nudity, tortured introspection, tragic death. If you like those kinds of movies, this is a good one.
8. The climactic scene with Fiennes and Lena Olin and the little tea tin is dynamite.
2. The first half hour is fairly predictable. You've seen the older woman/younger man thing played out many times before. It's not that fresh.
3. But then the movie takes an unexpected turn that, as they say, Changes Everything.
4. The final half hour packs a big punch and raises sticky, complicated questions about justice, love, and morality.
5. Ralph Fiennes first got noticed playing a villainous Nazi in Schindler's List. It was a brave, riveting performance. Since then, however, he's made a career of playing milquetoast wallflowers. He continues that trend here.
6. The old age makeup for Winslet? Not so good.
7. It's definitely one of those movies that feels designed to win awards and wow critics. It's a textbook indie prestige movie: adapted from a book, European period setting, non-American actors, big important themes, tasteful (if explicit) nudity, tortured introspection, tragic death. If you like those kinds of movies, this is a good one.
8. The climactic scene with Fiennes and Lena Olin and the little tea tin is dynamite.
1.10.2009
Knee-jerk review: "Frost/Nixon"
1. We thought we'd like it more than we did.
2. It's solid, expertly crafted as all of Ron Howard's films invariably are.
3. But it's lacking something. In our brains, we know it's a good movie. Smartly written, sharply acted, all that. But in our guts, we didn't connect.
4. When it was all over, you may find yourself just sort of shrugging.
5. That said, Frank Langella is most impressive as Nixon, doing what many would find impossible: making our 37th president seem likable and even somewhat sympathetic as a tragic, lonely figure full of regret and sadness for what might have been. He's at the top of his game, no question.
6. The highlight may be the drunken late-night phone call Nixon makes to David Frost. This phone call probably didn't even happen. But by the end of it, you realize that Nixon's angry tirade is unexpectedly giving Frost the pep talk he so desperately needed. It also clearly lays out for the climax just what these two men have at stake. That's good writing, people. Screenwriter Peter Morgan knows what he's doing.
7. Rebecca Hall? Hottie.
8. Los Angeles residents surely get a kick of seeing local sights circa the 1970s, like the Beverly Hills Hilton and the Cineramadome.
9. Supposedly, this and the overrated The Curious Case of Benjamin Button are Oscar front-runners. We cannot support nor endorse such a thing. The Dark Knight, which we also find overrated, is a far superior movie to both.
2. It's solid, expertly crafted as all of Ron Howard's films invariably are.
3. But it's lacking something. In our brains, we know it's a good movie. Smartly written, sharply acted, all that. But in our guts, we didn't connect.
4. When it was all over, you may find yourself just sort of shrugging.
5. That said, Frank Langella is most impressive as Nixon, doing what many would find impossible: making our 37th president seem likable and even somewhat sympathetic as a tragic, lonely figure full of regret and sadness for what might have been. He's at the top of his game, no question.
6. The highlight may be the drunken late-night phone call Nixon makes to David Frost. This phone call probably didn't even happen. But by the end of it, you realize that Nixon's angry tirade is unexpectedly giving Frost the pep talk he so desperately needed. It also clearly lays out for the climax just what these two men have at stake. That's good writing, people. Screenwriter Peter Morgan knows what he's doing.
7. Rebecca Hall? Hottie.
8. Los Angeles residents surely get a kick of seeing local sights circa the 1970s, like the Beverly Hills Hilton and the Cineramadome.
9. Supposedly, this and the overrated The Curious Case of Benjamin Button are Oscar front-runners. We cannot support nor endorse such a thing. The Dark Knight, which we also find overrated, is a far superior movie to both.
1.07.2009
Knee-jerk review: "Milk"
1. See, Sean Penn really can smile if he puts his mind to it. We always knew he was a good actor when it comes to scowling and yelling, but now his range seems complete. His sunny energy here is infectious.
2. Josh Brolin continues to impress. There's nothing he can't do, it seems.
3. The same goes, really, for Emile Hirsch and James Franco.
4. If anything, this is a movie that reminds one that the more things change (Prop 6, 1978), the more they stay the same (Prop 8, 2008).
5. Diego Luna's character is annoying and Luna does everything he can to be as annoying as possible. What purpose does this character serve in the story?
6. More of an important history lesson than a traditionally entertaining movie. But it's exceedingly well done.
7. The movie provides an unexpectedly interesting look at the maturation of a politician, as Milk repeatedly runs for office and fails... but learns from his mistakes and continues to fine-tune and improve his strategies and platform.
8. Credit goes to the filmmakers, who could have easily vilified assassin Dan White. Instead, he gets a fair and balanced depiction, making him almost as much of a tragic figure as Milk.
9. Could you walk up onto a stage in front of thousands of people just moments after getting a death threat?
10. Poignant epilogue in which we see the real-life people featured in the film.
2. Josh Brolin continues to impress. There's nothing he can't do, it seems.
3. The same goes, really, for Emile Hirsch and James Franco.
4. If anything, this is a movie that reminds one that the more things change (Prop 6, 1978), the more they stay the same (Prop 8, 2008).
5. Diego Luna's character is annoying and Luna does everything he can to be as annoying as possible. What purpose does this character serve in the story?
6. More of an important history lesson than a traditionally entertaining movie. But it's exceedingly well done.
7. The movie provides an unexpectedly interesting look at the maturation of a politician, as Milk repeatedly runs for office and fails... but learns from his mistakes and continues to fine-tune and improve his strategies and platform.
8. Credit goes to the filmmakers, who could have easily vilified assassin Dan White. Instead, he gets a fair and balanced depiction, making him almost as much of a tragic figure as Milk.
9. Could you walk up onto a stage in front of thousands of people just moments after getting a death threat?
10. Poignant epilogue in which we see the real-life people featured in the film.
"We're ready to believe you!"
The Den of Geek looks at the top 25 fictional ads in science fiction movies, which includes a nice nod to a 1980s guilty-pleasure cable staple called Looker.
1.02.2009
Five best movie summers of the 1980s
The Cheese Fry has fond memories of certain movie summers from his youth, most of them spent sitting in the uncomfortable molded plastic chairs at the Northtown Mall or Walnut Hill 6 theaters. (Both of which are long gone now, of course.) And this was all pre-stadium seating.
1. 1984 – Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (released May 23), Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (June 1), Gremlins (June 8), Ghostbusters (June 8), The Karate Kid (June 22)
2. 1983 – Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (May 20), Return of the Jedi (May 25), WarGames (June 3), Octopussy (June 10), Superman 3 (June 17), Twilight Zone – The Movie (June 24), Mr. Mom (July 22)
3. 1981 – Raiders of the Lost Ark (June 12), Clash of the Titans (June 12), Superman II (June 19), For Your Eyes Only (June 26)
4. 1982 – Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan (June 6), E.T. (June 11), Firefox (June 18)
5. 1985 – A View to a Kill (May 24), The Goonies (June 7), Pale Rider (June 28), Back to the Future (July 3), Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (July 12)
Remember the General Cinema "feature presentation" open? Dig the groovy high-hat.
1. 1984 – Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (released May 23), Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (June 1), Gremlins (June 8), Ghostbusters (June 8), The Karate Kid (June 22)
2. 1983 – Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone (May 20), Return of the Jedi (May 25), WarGames (June 3), Octopussy (June 10), Superman 3 (June 17), Twilight Zone – The Movie (June 24), Mr. Mom (July 22)
3. 1981 – Raiders of the Lost Ark (June 12), Clash of the Titans (June 12), Superman II (June 19), For Your Eyes Only (June 26)
4. 1982 – Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Khan (June 6), E.T. (June 11), Firefox (June 18)
5. 1985 – A View to a Kill (May 24), The Goonies (June 7), Pale Rider (June 28), Back to the Future (July 3), Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome (July 12)
Remember the General Cinema "feature presentation" open? Dig the groovy high-hat.
Five funniest sitcoms on the air right now
1. "30 Rock" (NBC) - With its jigsaw-puzzle plotting, extremely quirky minor characters, pop culture non-sequitirs, and taste for the deadpan absurd, it's "Seinfeld" with heart. I want to go to there.
2. "The Family Guy" (Fox) - You either think it's pure genius or you don't. We can't help you if you don't.
3. "How I Met Your Mother" (CBS) - This one takes the "Friends" mantle, looking at friendships and dating among five 20-somethings who are far better looking and wittier than you ever were. Surprisingly insightful and clever for a show that seems on the surface to be so ordinary.
4. "The Office" (NBC) - The elder statesman of the group, powered by a strong ensemble of weird-but-mostly-plausible characters. Though perhaps losing a step recently, it's still the king of the awkward moment where you're not sure whether to cringe or laugh.
5. "The Big Bang Theory" (CBS) - It'd be a funny show even without Jim Parsons' scene-stealing Sheldon character. The one show on this list we bet you've never seen.
For the record, CBS' "Two and Half Men" can be funny, but every episode is fixated on sex in a way that can be fairly creepy given the show's 12-year-old co-star. Some of the R-rated jokes they get away would have never been allowed on "Friends" just ten years ago.
2. "The Family Guy" (Fox) - You either think it's pure genius or you don't. We can't help you if you don't.
3. "How I Met Your Mother" (CBS) - This one takes the "Friends" mantle, looking at friendships and dating among five 20-somethings who are far better looking and wittier than you ever were. Surprisingly insightful and clever for a show that seems on the surface to be so ordinary.
4. "The Office" (NBC) - The elder statesman of the group, powered by a strong ensemble of weird-but-mostly-plausible characters. Though perhaps losing a step recently, it's still the king of the awkward moment where you're not sure whether to cringe or laugh.
5. "The Big Bang Theory" (CBS) - It'd be a funny show even without Jim Parsons' scene-stealing Sheldon character. The one show on this list we bet you've never seen.
For the record, CBS' "Two and Half Men" can be funny, but every episode is fixated on sex in a way that can be fairly creepy given the show's 12-year-old co-star. Some of the R-rated jokes they get away would have never been allowed on "Friends" just ten years ago.
1.01.2009
Knee-jerk review: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
1. Tedious, bordering on boring.
2. Technically, it's dazzling. Sumptuous production design spans 60 years with the kind of detail that suggests no expense was spared.
3. The New Orleans setting (taking place in the hours before Katrina hits, no less) is certainly trendy and fresh, but the flashback structure seems needless in a film that already feels overlong by 45 minutes. The same goes for the backstory involving Julia Ormond. And the business with the giant train station clock that runs backward. It's all too much, too indulgent. None of the subplots and narrative tangents really feel necessary. They just all sort of lay there.
4. The special effects that age Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett (making them seem at times younger and older) is impressive, to say the least.
5. Which is the problem with the movie. It's a clever gimmick (two lovers: one getting older, one getting younger) in search of a story.
6. Nothing really happens. It's all very episodic, a connection of moments without any real conflict or emotion to raise the stakes. Bad things happen and you probably won't even care.
7. Instead, you might be looking at your watch.
8. The submarine encounter is pretty cool, however.
9. We can't decide if Taraji P. Henson was brilliant or a complete ham.
10. It's just too long. Rambling and sprawling.
11. That said, the last 15 minutes or so are pretty poignant.
12. Let's recap: director David Fincher's best film remains 1995's Seven. If you haven't seen it, go do so immediately. Seven and Silence of the Lambs are the definitive serial killer movies - it's hard to imagine anyone ever finding a way to offer a fresh take on that genre. A close second is 1999's visionary Fight Club, followed by 2002's sweaty Panic Room. Number four would be 1997's The Game and then last year's Zodiac. That leaves Benjamin Button in the slot just above 1993's unsatisfying Alien3.
2. Technically, it's dazzling. Sumptuous production design spans 60 years with the kind of detail that suggests no expense was spared.
3. The New Orleans setting (taking place in the hours before Katrina hits, no less) is certainly trendy and fresh, but the flashback structure seems needless in a film that already feels overlong by 45 minutes. The same goes for the backstory involving Julia Ormond. And the business with the giant train station clock that runs backward. It's all too much, too indulgent. None of the subplots and narrative tangents really feel necessary. They just all sort of lay there.
4. The special effects that age Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett (making them seem at times younger and older) is impressive, to say the least.
5. Which is the problem with the movie. It's a clever gimmick (two lovers: one getting older, one getting younger) in search of a story.
6. Nothing really happens. It's all very episodic, a connection of moments without any real conflict or emotion to raise the stakes. Bad things happen and you probably won't even care.
7. Instead, you might be looking at your watch.
8. The submarine encounter is pretty cool, however.
9. We can't decide if Taraji P. Henson was brilliant or a complete ham.
10. It's just too long. Rambling and sprawling.
11. That said, the last 15 minutes or so are pretty poignant.
12. Let's recap: director David Fincher's best film remains 1995's Seven. If you haven't seen it, go do so immediately. Seven and Silence of the Lambs are the definitive serial killer movies - it's hard to imagine anyone ever finding a way to offer a fresh take on that genre. A close second is 1999's visionary Fight Club, followed by 2002's sweaty Panic Room. Number four would be 1997's The Game and then last year's Zodiac. That leaves Benjamin Button in the slot just above 1993's unsatisfying Alien3.
Knee-jerk review: "Gran Torino"
1. "Get off my lawn."
2. Clint Eastwood is a national treasure.
3. A case could be made that it's perhaps Eastwood's best film since Unforgiven. Unlike so many film snobs, we're big fans of the Oscar-winning Million Dollar Baby, but that film was operatic and exaggerated where Gran Torino is smaller and somehow subtler.
4. The ending is a bit of a letdown, but upon further review we do understand the reasoning behind it. It's not completely satisfying. But it stays true to the characters. And it plugs in nicely with the film's themes of violence and guilt.
5. There's a lot of humor here. And it's fun to see an Eastwood character show some real heart and levity, particularly as he warms to his immigrant neighbors. It can't all be the squinty scowls, can it?
6. The script is a little on-the-nose, the dialogue sometimes telling us things that Eastwood's camerawork has already communicated.
7. Much delight comes from seeing Eastwood threaten and beat up no-good street thugs. It's like 1983 all over again. Would you want to see him come after you with a big monkey wrench shoved in his belt? He can take you.
8. We haven't tried Pabst Blue Ribbon, but something tells us it's an acquired taste.
9. Who knew there were so many epithets for Asians?
2. Clint Eastwood is a national treasure.
3. A case could be made that it's perhaps Eastwood's best film since Unforgiven. Unlike so many film snobs, we're big fans of the Oscar-winning Million Dollar Baby, but that film was operatic and exaggerated where Gran Torino is smaller and somehow subtler.
4. The ending is a bit of a letdown, but upon further review we do understand the reasoning behind it. It's not completely satisfying. But it stays true to the characters. And it plugs in nicely with the film's themes of violence and guilt.
5. There's a lot of humor here. And it's fun to see an Eastwood character show some real heart and levity, particularly as he warms to his immigrant neighbors. It can't all be the squinty scowls, can it?
6. The script is a little on-the-nose, the dialogue sometimes telling us things that Eastwood's camerawork has already communicated.
7. Much delight comes from seeing Eastwood threaten and beat up no-good street thugs. It's like 1983 all over again. Would you want to see him come after you with a big monkey wrench shoved in his belt? He can take you.
8. We haven't tried Pabst Blue Ribbon, but something tells us it's an acquired taste.
9. Who knew there were so many epithets for Asians?
12.31.2008
44-6
The Dallas Cowboys are in real trouble, people. Serious trouble. Dogs-and-cats-living-together Ghostbusters trouble. The franchise isn't making progress. It's sliding backwards. Say what you will about the team not winning a playoff game since the 1990s, at least the last couple of seasons ended with the Cowboys, like, actually in the playoffs. Next month, the Cowboys will be watching football games on television like the rest of us. Get your popcorn ready, indeed.
Jerry Jones, he of the pompous "owner/president/general manager" title, better do something quick or he won't have much to show for his hundreds of millions of dollars, which includes his new gleaming Jerryworld stadium set to open next open. Dallas fans expect a Superbowl every year.
The humiliating 44-6 drubbing this past weekend by the Philadelphia Eagles merely confirms what many of have feared. This team is a complete disaster on just about every level. As Bill Parcells famously said, you are what your record says you are. That means the Cowboys at 9-7 are no better than fellow disappointing underachievers like the Chicago Bears, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the New York Jets.
Here's an eight-step plan to get the Cowboys back on track. It's what we'd do.
1. Fire Wade Phillips. He's done. Goodbye, God bless, and don't let your ass hit the doorknob. Savvy football fans knew back when he was hired in 2007 that he's no head coach. He's soft. He makes excuses for his team. He shrugs off criticism. He relies on a frustrating "nothing to worry about here" mantra. With the exception of Bill Parcells, Jerry Jones is an abject failure when it comes to picking head coaches not named Jimmy Johnson. Remember Chan Gailey? Dave Campo? Wade's runner-up for the job was Norv Turner for crying out loud. This season Norv ran a talented San Diego Chargers team into the ground and squeaked into the playoffs by the skin if his teeth. Until Jerry gives up control, he'll never recruit a real head coach. Note that the only real success the Cowboys have had in the recent past is under Parcells, who assumed a lot of control. Jerry may not know as much about football as he thinks he does.
2. Cut some veterans, too. This is a team that needs to feel fear. Players should worry that their jobs aren't safe unless they produce on the field. Obviously, you can't cut stars like Romo, but if a bubble player like Bobby Carpenter makes a dumb move on game day, show him the door. The other players will get the message.
3. No more "Hard Knocks." Tell HBO to find some other franchise to jinx. Fans love to see the inner-workings of training camp, but it sends the wrong signal. It tells the players that cameras and drama are not only tolerated, but desired. To Jerry, media exposure is everything. But shouldn't the win-loss record be everything?
4. Play with urgency and precision. This is one sloppy, lazy football team. How could the most penalized team in the NFL truly hope to compete for a Superbowl? If there's not a drinking game that calls for a shot to be taken every time Flozell Adams gets a false start penalty, there ought to be. Why can't this guy figure out the snap count or just watch the ball? And if it's not stupid penalties by the offense, it's poor tackling on the defense. You get the sense that after rolling to a 3-0 start this season, the players started believing the hype, figuring they'd just have to suit up and they'd get the W by default. You have to still play the game, idiots.
5. Fix the offense. Why did Jerry Jones pay all those millions (and give up draft picks) to Roy Williams if he wasn't going to be a factor in the passing game? Williams had one touchdown catch. That's one more than the Cheese Fry had and we're not even on the damn roster. You can gripe at Terrell Owens all you want, but the guy had a point about Romo's looks in the last few games. Romo, for whatever reason, doesn't trust his receivers. When the going gets tough, he throws it to Jason Witten. That makes the Cowboys very one-dimensional in he passing game. This leads us to...
6. Be willing to let Jason Garrett go. If the Detroit Lions want to hire the boy genius, let them take him. His play calling ain't what it was last season. Maybe those critics are right - maybe the rest of the league has figured out Garrett. He sure hasn't done a good job proving that he's figured out the rest of the league's defenses. In games where it counted against legitimate opponents, the offense rarely found a groove. For example, Garrett has a frustrating tendency to get clever in grave 3-and-short situations. When a simple running play would work, twice in two games Garrett called some kind of high-risk, weird trickery that failed to get the first down. Those decisions raise real concerns, concerns that even Romo has started to voice. If the players don't believe in the system, they won't execute. And we already know from #4 above that execution isn't their strong point.
7. Reduce the turnovers. No good team should tolerate this many turnovers. Romo is the worst offender. He's got to take care of the ball. He makes too many mistakes still, whether it's an inexplicable (and inexcusable) miscommunication with the center, a fumble on a sack, or an ill-advised throw. This has got to be an off-season priority for him. Romo has to ratchet his game up to the next level. As we learned from the awful Brad Johnson Experiment, the Cowboys need Romo's A-game to win.
8. Get angry. The Cowboys are not a come-from-behind rally team. They can protect a lead. But when they get down, they tend to lose their confidence. They get glum. They point fingers. They pout. A good coach, however, (and good players, too) should be able to turn that emotion into rage and determination. Pissed-off teams with chips on their shoulders play smart and win ballgames. Bill Belichick has been a master at this - he managed to make his peerless mid-2000s Patriot teams feel like underdogs. The Cowboys, like the Tin Man, are in dire need of some heart. More proud athlete, less spoiled children.
The sad truth is that it may already be too late. Last season may have been the best chance for the Cowboys to go all the way. Football 101 suggests that teams flourish best the first season after a coaching philosophy change. That is, teams that move from the hard-nosed disciplinarian coach to a laid-back father figure coach (or vice versa) have their best chance at success that first season in the new regime. 2007 was that season for the Cowboys. They went an amazing 13-3 and got home-field advantage and a first-round bye. But the wheels came off, thanks in part of Wade Phillips' lackadasical approach to December. Rather than keep the foot on the gas, he let the Cowboys get complacent and lazy and sloppy, figuring they could turn it on again in January. They didn't.
And now here we are.
Jerry Jones, he of the pompous "owner/president/general manager" title, better do something quick or he won't have much to show for his hundreds of millions of dollars, which includes his new gleaming Jerryworld stadium set to open next open. Dallas fans expect a Superbowl every year.
The humiliating 44-6 drubbing this past weekend by the Philadelphia Eagles merely confirms what many of have feared. This team is a complete disaster on just about every level. As Bill Parcells famously said, you are what your record says you are. That means the Cowboys at 9-7 are no better than fellow disappointing underachievers like the Chicago Bears, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the New York Jets.
Here's an eight-step plan to get the Cowboys back on track. It's what we'd do.
1. Fire Wade Phillips. He's done. Goodbye, God bless, and don't let your ass hit the doorknob. Savvy football fans knew back when he was hired in 2007 that he's no head coach. He's soft. He makes excuses for his team. He shrugs off criticism. He relies on a frustrating "nothing to worry about here" mantra. With the exception of Bill Parcells, Jerry Jones is an abject failure when it comes to picking head coaches not named Jimmy Johnson. Remember Chan Gailey? Dave Campo? Wade's runner-up for the job was Norv Turner for crying out loud. This season Norv ran a talented San Diego Chargers team into the ground and squeaked into the playoffs by the skin if his teeth. Until Jerry gives up control, he'll never recruit a real head coach. Note that the only real success the Cowboys have had in the recent past is under Parcells, who assumed a lot of control. Jerry may not know as much about football as he thinks he does.
2. Cut some veterans, too. This is a team that needs to feel fear. Players should worry that their jobs aren't safe unless they produce on the field. Obviously, you can't cut stars like Romo, but if a bubble player like Bobby Carpenter makes a dumb move on game day, show him the door. The other players will get the message.
3. No more "Hard Knocks." Tell HBO to find some other franchise to jinx. Fans love to see the inner-workings of training camp, but it sends the wrong signal. It tells the players that cameras and drama are not only tolerated, but desired. To Jerry, media exposure is everything. But shouldn't the win-loss record be everything?
4. Play with urgency and precision. This is one sloppy, lazy football team. How could the most penalized team in the NFL truly hope to compete for a Superbowl? If there's not a drinking game that calls for a shot to be taken every time Flozell Adams gets a false start penalty, there ought to be. Why can't this guy figure out the snap count or just watch the ball? And if it's not stupid penalties by the offense, it's poor tackling on the defense. You get the sense that after rolling to a 3-0 start this season, the players started believing the hype, figuring they'd just have to suit up and they'd get the W by default. You have to still play the game, idiots.
5. Fix the offense. Why did Jerry Jones pay all those millions (and give up draft picks) to Roy Williams if he wasn't going to be a factor in the passing game? Williams had one touchdown catch. That's one more than the Cheese Fry had and we're not even on the damn roster. You can gripe at Terrell Owens all you want, but the guy had a point about Romo's looks in the last few games. Romo, for whatever reason, doesn't trust his receivers. When the going gets tough, he throws it to Jason Witten. That makes the Cowboys very one-dimensional in he passing game. This leads us to...
6. Be willing to let Jason Garrett go. If the Detroit Lions want to hire the boy genius, let them take him. His play calling ain't what it was last season. Maybe those critics are right - maybe the rest of the league has figured out Garrett. He sure hasn't done a good job proving that he's figured out the rest of the league's defenses. In games where it counted against legitimate opponents, the offense rarely found a groove. For example, Garrett has a frustrating tendency to get clever in grave 3-and-short situations. When a simple running play would work, twice in two games Garrett called some kind of high-risk, weird trickery that failed to get the first down. Those decisions raise real concerns, concerns that even Romo has started to voice. If the players don't believe in the system, they won't execute. And we already know from #4 above that execution isn't their strong point.
7. Reduce the turnovers. No good team should tolerate this many turnovers. Romo is the worst offender. He's got to take care of the ball. He makes too many mistakes still, whether it's an inexplicable (and inexcusable) miscommunication with the center, a fumble on a sack, or an ill-advised throw. This has got to be an off-season priority for him. Romo has to ratchet his game up to the next level. As we learned from the awful Brad Johnson Experiment, the Cowboys need Romo's A-game to win.
8. Get angry. The Cowboys are not a come-from-behind rally team. They can protect a lead. But when they get down, they tend to lose their confidence. They get glum. They point fingers. They pout. A good coach, however, (and good players, too) should be able to turn that emotion into rage and determination. Pissed-off teams with chips on their shoulders play smart and win ballgames. Bill Belichick has been a master at this - he managed to make his peerless mid-2000s Patriot teams feel like underdogs. The Cowboys, like the Tin Man, are in dire need of some heart. More proud athlete, less spoiled children.
The sad truth is that it may already be too late. Last season may have been the best chance for the Cowboys to go all the way. Football 101 suggests that teams flourish best the first season after a coaching philosophy change. That is, teams that move from the hard-nosed disciplinarian coach to a laid-back father figure coach (or vice versa) have their best chance at success that first season in the new regime. 2007 was that season for the Cowboys. They went an amazing 13-3 and got home-field advantage and a first-round bye. But the wheels came off, thanks in part of Wade Phillips' lackadasical approach to December. Rather than keep the foot on the gas, he let the Cowboys get complacent and lazy and sloppy, figuring they could turn it on again in January. They didn't.
And now here we are.
Food that makes life worth living
* fried shrimp with tartar sauce
* Snuffers Cheese Fries (with bacon and chives, of course)
* crisp, crunchy Red Delicious apple
* Kentucky Derby pie
* seedless grapes
* green bean casserole with the crunchy fried onions on top
* pepperoni pizza
* Jack's Burger House french fries
* prime rib
* club sandwich
* cranberry whip
* you make a sandwich out of a biscuit, scrambled egg, and a sausage patty
* DISD's fiesta salad
* Zankou Chicken's garlic paste
* cornbread/sage dressing
* Plain M&Ms
* mackerel nigiri sushi
* Chili's Bottomless Chips and Salsa
* Lays potato chips, barbecue flavored
* guacamole
* Hostess Cupcakes
* hot beef chili on a cold day
* PBJ
* Cracklin Oat Bran
* Father's Office sweet potato fries
* fajitas, heavy on the sour cream and grilled onions
Previously on the Cheese Fry: Beverages that make life worth living.
* Snuffers Cheese Fries (with bacon and chives, of course)
* crisp, crunchy Red Delicious apple
* Kentucky Derby pie
* seedless grapes
* green bean casserole with the crunchy fried onions on top
* pepperoni pizza
* Jack's Burger House french fries
* prime rib
* club sandwich
* cranberry whip
* you make a sandwich out of a biscuit, scrambled egg, and a sausage patty
* DISD's fiesta salad
* Zankou Chicken's garlic paste
* cornbread/sage dressing
* Plain M&Ms
* mackerel nigiri sushi
* Chili's Bottomless Chips and Salsa
* Lays potato chips, barbecue flavored
* guacamole
* Hostess Cupcakes
* hot beef chili on a cold day
* PBJ
* Cracklin Oat Bran
* Father's Office sweet potato fries
* fajitas, heavy on the sour cream and grilled onions
Previously on the Cheese Fry: Beverages that make life worth living.
12.29.2008
Knee-jerk review: "Marley & Me"
1. Way better that you think it will be. Way better than it probably should be.
2. It's quite good.
3. Be warned, though. By the closing credits, the theater will be filled with the sounds of sniffling. It's that kind of movie.
4. Which can be a very good thing.
5. A lot of movies try to explore the old adage about life being what happens to you while you're making plans. It's not an easy thing to dramatize. Life is boring. That's why we go to the movies. But this film succeeds about as well as any. There are no cops, no shootouts, no blood, no witty courtship dances. It's just a sophisticated, adult look at what happens when you're 40 years old and life hasn't followed the plan you had in mind when you were 20. It's about the simple joys and unexpected tragedies of life.
6. The PG-rating usually means simple-minded and dumb. Not here.
7. It's probably the best Owen Wilson's ever been. He's dialed down the quirky snark he typically uses as a crutch. He's playing a real character here.
8. Jennifer Aniston's good, as well. She's also a total babe. But we'll save that for another post.
9. Highlight of the movie is a very fresh, very energetic montage in which Owen Wilson's character tells us how he spends his weeks. You really don't expect this kind of bracing creativity in a big Hollywood movie.
10. Oh, yeah. And the dog is very cute.
2. It's quite good.
3. Be warned, though. By the closing credits, the theater will be filled with the sounds of sniffling. It's that kind of movie.
4. Which can be a very good thing.
5. A lot of movies try to explore the old adage about life being what happens to you while you're making plans. It's not an easy thing to dramatize. Life is boring. That's why we go to the movies. But this film succeeds about as well as any. There are no cops, no shootouts, no blood, no witty courtship dances. It's just a sophisticated, adult look at what happens when you're 40 years old and life hasn't followed the plan you had in mind when you were 20. It's about the simple joys and unexpected tragedies of life.
6. The PG-rating usually means simple-minded and dumb. Not here.
7. It's probably the best Owen Wilson's ever been. He's dialed down the quirky snark he typically uses as a crutch. He's playing a real character here.
8. Jennifer Aniston's good, as well. She's also a total babe. But we'll save that for another post.
9. Highlight of the movie is a very fresh, very energetic montage in which Owen Wilson's character tells us how he spends his weeks. You really don't expect this kind of bracing creativity in a big Hollywood movie.
10. Oh, yeah. And the dog is very cute.
12.22.2008
"Saturday Night" resurgence?
We're not ready to claim that "Saturday Night Live" has returned to its glory days. Too often the show fails to hit on any cylinders whatsoever, such as the painfully lame Tim McGraw show back on November 22, an episode packed full of unfunny sketches and underdeveloped ideas. You see episodes like that and you wonder how much better "SNL" might be it weren't working under such an ambitious schedule. For example, what if it limited itself to 60 minutes every other week? Any regular viewer knows that the final half-hour of the show is a wasteland where bad sketches go to die.
But the recent presidential election showed us all how inspired and genius "SNL" can be when it really digs in, thanks mostly to the serendipitous emergence of an easy-to-mock vice presidential candidate who looked like Tina Fey. But the last couple of seasons have also seen the rise of memorably oddball performers like Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg. And Amy Poehler will be a hard cast member to replace.
But most of all, this newest "SNL" incarnation has given us the "SNL Digital Short" feature. They aren't all funny, but they're often unusual and odd in ways the rest of the show isn't. "Lazy Sunday" started it all back in 2005 and "Dick in a Box" in 2006 continued the trend.
But now we have a new champ:
But the recent presidential election showed us all how inspired and genius "SNL" can be when it really digs in, thanks mostly to the serendipitous emergence of an easy-to-mock vice presidential candidate who looked like Tina Fey. But the last couple of seasons have also seen the rise of memorably oddball performers like Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg. And Amy Poehler will be a hard cast member to replace.
But most of all, this newest "SNL" incarnation has given us the "SNL Digital Short" feature. They aren't all funny, but they're often unusual and odd in ways the rest of the show isn't. "Lazy Sunday" started it all back in 2005 and "Dick in a Box" in 2006 continued the trend.
But now we have a new champ:
Holiday knee-jerk review: "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town"
1. We remember well the snowmobile delivery man voiced by Fred Astaire...
2. ...but we don't remember much else. All in all, it's a pretty weird holiday special.
3. This was made by Rankin-Bass several years before "Year Without a Santa Claus" and the stop-motion animation is indeed much cruder and clunkier. The figures jerk and move with such little fluidity that it feels like you're having a mild seizure just watching it.
4. The special is pretty clever, however, in creating a detailed backstory to Santa Claus that explains the details of the Santa myth, much of it involving Santa's status as a fugitive wanted by the head of Sombertown (i.e. to escape detection he starts entering children's home via the chimney).
5. For some reason the Sombertown bad guys all have German accents, but "funny" ones that call to mind "Hogan's Heroes."
6. That odd German slant plus the fugitive subplot lends the story a strange World War II vibe with Santa acting as some kind of underground resistance leader to the anti-toy Nazi rule.
7. Mrs. Claus is a hot dish until she married Santa, then she really lets herself go. He must be a poor influence on healthy living.
8. If you ever face death by a Winter Warlock, just offer him a toy train.
2. ...but we don't remember much else. All in all, it's a pretty weird holiday special.
3. This was made by Rankin-Bass several years before "Year Without a Santa Claus" and the stop-motion animation is indeed much cruder and clunkier. The figures jerk and move with such little fluidity that it feels like you're having a mild seizure just watching it.
4. The special is pretty clever, however, in creating a detailed backstory to Santa Claus that explains the details of the Santa myth, much of it involving Santa's status as a fugitive wanted by the head of Sombertown (i.e. to escape detection he starts entering children's home via the chimney).
5. For some reason the Sombertown bad guys all have German accents, but "funny" ones that call to mind "Hogan's Heroes."
6. That odd German slant plus the fugitive subplot lends the story a strange World War II vibe with Santa acting as some kind of underground resistance leader to the anti-toy Nazi rule.
7. Mrs. Claus is a hot dish until she married Santa, then she really lets herself go. He must be a poor influence on healthy living.
8. If you ever face death by a Winter Warlock, just offer him a toy train.
12.14.2008
Ingredients: "Law and Order"
"Law and Order" debuted on NBC way back in the fall of 1990. George H.W. Bush was president and the Gulf War hadn't even started yet. With so many episodes now in the can and airing around the clock on various cable outlets, certain narrative "Law and Order" tendencies have become very apparent.
Here's a quick primer in how to make an episode.
1. Honor the show's "ripped from the headline" sales pitch. Use as a jumping-off point some salacious real-world crime or criminal situation that viewers will immediately recognize (i.e. fundamentalist Mormon polygamists, a construction crane collapse, Jack Kevorkian's assisted suicides, dogfighting rings, crooked athletes, Scientology)...
2. ...but change the facts around enough to avoid any pesky real-world lawsuits. If needed, kick off the episode with one of those ominous "any connection to real-life people is coincidental" disclaimers.
3. Be sure that the aforementioned real-world crime or situation in the first-half "Law" portion has little to do with the second-half "Order" portion. Things are never what they seem in any good "Law and Order" episode. What begins as a murder investigation must lead our heroes to a bigger crime, a shocking conspiracy, or a ruthless villain.
4. The prologue must feature some mundane (yet colorful and possibly ethnic and/or blue-collar) New Yorker tableaux suddenly interrupted by the discovery of a bloody corpse.
5. The detective characters examining the corpse should offer some pithy (possibly funny) one-liner that will take us to the opening credits. In screenwriting they call this a scene's "button." Jerry Orbach always got the best ones.
6. Whoever the detective characters first consider a suspect must be a dead-end red herring. The real culprit should be someone they meet in the first 10 minutes of the show but who seems at first completely inconsequential.
7. A detective character will use "LUDs" to uncover a vital piece of evidence.
8. Another good source of evidence are video surveillance cameras, whether at an ATM or a toll booth or a subway.
9. A defense lawyer will arrive to stop any interrogation.
10. The detectives' boss will order them to check another angle or ask more questions.
11. The detective characters must talk to the coroner character, preferably over the body of the victim. Some arcane, CSI-style bit of forensics will come into play here, helping steer the detectives to the truth.
12. If at any point in the investigation, special knowledge is called for (about teen subculture, about military protocol, about international diplomacy), one of the detective characters will have it, no matter how implausible it might seem. And this knowledge should be delivered in a clunky speech that might as well have the word "exposition" flashing underneath it.
13. If anyone's going to be arrested, the arrest must happen in a public forum to make it as humiliating as possible for the suspect. In "Law and Order" no one's allowed to turn himself in and detectives exercise zero discretion.
14. Something the detective characters did (or didn't do) will be tossed out by the trial judge and ruled inadmissable. This will make things very difficult for the D.A. characters. This will typically occur shortly after...
15. ...a defense attorney serve the D.A. characters with one of those blue motion forms. It's never good news.
16. The female D.A. character will conduct her own investigation. Why this is necessary isn't always clear. Didn't the detectives spend 30 minutes on this case already?
17. The male D.A. character - who never conducts investigations - will face a big setback (because of the judge, a witness, or the accused) and devise a very creative, possibly unethical, solution to get around the setback. This new solution will be conceived either on the courthouse steps or in his wood-paneled office.
18. Include a scene in the caged witness room on Riker's Island. Hopefully this will involve a defense attorney asking the D.A. characters "What are you offering?"
19. The offer is never appealing to the defense.
20. At trial, the D.A. characters will do more arguing than questioning when there's a witness on the stand. Your lawyer friends hate this part of the show.
21. Include this dialogue: "Objection!" "Withdrawn." Also good to use: the judge growling "Watch it, counselor."
22. At trial, one of the witnesses will reveal something he/she didn't intend thanks to the cross-examination skill of the D.A. characters. When this happens, it's a good idea to show the jury box's reaction.
23. About 45 minutes into the episode, all hope will seem lost. The case falls completely apart. The accused looks like he'll get away with it.
24. But the D.A. characters go back to a part of the case (a witness or a piece of evidence) that had been previously neglected and find a new way to use it.
25. When the truth about the crime is at last going to be fully revealed, slowly, slowly fade in the volume on the violin soundtrack. Often this will occur in the D.A.'s conference room or on the witness stand.
26. End the episode with a final pithy one-liner from one of the D.A. characters that perfectly sums up how A) justice always prevails or B) the real bad guy got away.
Here's a quick primer in how to make an episode.
1. Honor the show's "ripped from the headline" sales pitch. Use as a jumping-off point some salacious real-world crime or criminal situation that viewers will immediately recognize (i.e. fundamentalist Mormon polygamists, a construction crane collapse, Jack Kevorkian's assisted suicides, dogfighting rings, crooked athletes, Scientology)...
2. ...but change the facts around enough to avoid any pesky real-world lawsuits. If needed, kick off the episode with one of those ominous "any connection to real-life people is coincidental" disclaimers.
3. Be sure that the aforementioned real-world crime or situation in the first-half "Law" portion has little to do with the second-half "Order" portion. Things are never what they seem in any good "Law and Order" episode. What begins as a murder investigation must lead our heroes to a bigger crime, a shocking conspiracy, or a ruthless villain.
4. The prologue must feature some mundane (yet colorful and possibly ethnic and/or blue-collar) New Yorker tableaux suddenly interrupted by the discovery of a bloody corpse.
5. The detective characters examining the corpse should offer some pithy (possibly funny) one-liner that will take us to the opening credits. In screenwriting they call this a scene's "button." Jerry Orbach always got the best ones.
6. Whoever the detective characters first consider a suspect must be a dead-end red herring. The real culprit should be someone they meet in the first 10 minutes of the show but who seems at first completely inconsequential.
7. A detective character will use "LUDs" to uncover a vital piece of evidence.
8. Another good source of evidence are video surveillance cameras, whether at an ATM or a toll booth or a subway.
9. A defense lawyer will arrive to stop any interrogation.
10. The detectives' boss will order them to check another angle or ask more questions.
11. The detective characters must talk to the coroner character, preferably over the body of the victim. Some arcane, CSI-style bit of forensics will come into play here, helping steer the detectives to the truth.
12. If at any point in the investigation, special knowledge is called for (about teen subculture, about military protocol, about international diplomacy), one of the detective characters will have it, no matter how implausible it might seem. And this knowledge should be delivered in a clunky speech that might as well have the word "exposition" flashing underneath it.
13. If anyone's going to be arrested, the arrest must happen in a public forum to make it as humiliating as possible for the suspect. In "Law and Order" no one's allowed to turn himself in and detectives exercise zero discretion.
14. Something the detective characters did (or didn't do) will be tossed out by the trial judge and ruled inadmissable. This will make things very difficult for the D.A. characters. This will typically occur shortly after...
15. ...a defense attorney serve the D.A. characters with one of those blue motion forms. It's never good news.
16. The female D.A. character will conduct her own investigation. Why this is necessary isn't always clear. Didn't the detectives spend 30 minutes on this case already?
17. The male D.A. character - who never conducts investigations - will face a big setback (because of the judge, a witness, or the accused) and devise a very creative, possibly unethical, solution to get around the setback. This new solution will be conceived either on the courthouse steps or in his wood-paneled office.
18. Include a scene in the caged witness room on Riker's Island. Hopefully this will involve a defense attorney asking the D.A. characters "What are you offering?"
19. The offer is never appealing to the defense.
20. At trial, the D.A. characters will do more arguing than questioning when there's a witness on the stand. Your lawyer friends hate this part of the show.
21. Include this dialogue: "Objection!" "Withdrawn." Also good to use: the judge growling "Watch it, counselor."
22. At trial, one of the witnesses will reveal something he/she didn't intend thanks to the cross-examination skill of the D.A. characters. When this happens, it's a good idea to show the jury box's reaction.
23. About 45 minutes into the episode, all hope will seem lost. The case falls completely apart. The accused looks like he'll get away with it.
24. But the D.A. characters go back to a part of the case (a witness or a piece of evidence) that had been previously neglected and find a new way to use it.
25. When the truth about the crime is at last going to be fully revealed, slowly, slowly fade in the volume on the violin soundtrack. Often this will occur in the D.A.'s conference room or on the witness stand.
26. End the episode with a final pithy one-liner from one of the D.A. characters that perfectly sums up how A) justice always prevails or B) the real bad guy got away.
Ars gratia artis
Neatorama.com takes a look at the origins of the Hollywood movie studio logos. Probably for shameless movie nerds only. That is, those of you who know who Alfred Newman is and why he's so important to movie logos.
"The world's biggest toy store"
Us Generation Xers all grew up with this TV spot. Images of Star Wars action figures dancing in our heads. Happy holidays!
12.09.2008
Holiday knee-jerk review: "The Year Without a Santa Claus"
1. You know this one. It's the stop-motion 1970s Christmas special with the Heat Miser and Snow Miser.
2. They're the best part of the show, although their whole subplot is effectively moot: our heroes visit the Snow Miser and Heat Miser to try and make it snow in South Town, which will in turn free reindeer Vixen from the dogcatcher. (When we write it all out like this, it really seems ridiculous but it sorta works in the show.) But by the time they make their case to the Miser Brothers, Vixen's already free so the whole thing was pointless. Makes you wish they'd just done one more rewrite on the script.
3. Interesting how active Mrs. Claus is here in trying to save the day and go behind Santa's back.
4. Also interesting that Santa's doctor is such a crabby anti-Christmas jerk. Can't they fire that guy? How'd he get this job?
5. The melancholic "Blue Christmas" song at the end, paired with kids' crayon drawings, is cheesy stuff. But good cheese.
6. But the real showstopper is of course, the Miser Brothers' songs.
7. "I'm Mister White Christmas, I'm Mister Snow. I'm Mister Icicle, I'm Mister Ten Below. Friends call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch turns to snow in my clutch... I'm too much!"
8. "I'm Mister Green Christmas, I'm Mister Sun. I'm Mister Heat Blister, I'm Mister Hundred and One. They call me Heat Miser, whatever I touch starts to melt in my clutch... I'm too much!"
9. As sleek and beautiful as Pixar-style computer animation may be nowadays, there's still something cozy and tactile about these sorts of old-school stop-motion specials, with their moth-eaten wire-frame dolls and schmaltzy songs.
10. Or maybe it's just another example of lame Generation X nostalgia.
2. They're the best part of the show, although their whole subplot is effectively moot: our heroes visit the Snow Miser and Heat Miser to try and make it snow in South Town, which will in turn free reindeer Vixen from the dogcatcher. (When we write it all out like this, it really seems ridiculous but it sorta works in the show.) But by the time they make their case to the Miser Brothers, Vixen's already free so the whole thing was pointless. Makes you wish they'd just done one more rewrite on the script.
3. Interesting how active Mrs. Claus is here in trying to save the day and go behind Santa's back.
4. Also interesting that Santa's doctor is such a crabby anti-Christmas jerk. Can't they fire that guy? How'd he get this job?
5. The melancholic "Blue Christmas" song at the end, paired with kids' crayon drawings, is cheesy stuff. But good cheese.
6. But the real showstopper is of course, the Miser Brothers' songs.
7. "I'm Mister White Christmas, I'm Mister Snow. I'm Mister Icicle, I'm Mister Ten Below. Friends call me Snow Miser, whatever I touch turns to snow in my clutch... I'm too much!"
8. "I'm Mister Green Christmas, I'm Mister Sun. I'm Mister Heat Blister, I'm Mister Hundred and One. They call me Heat Miser, whatever I touch starts to melt in my clutch... I'm too much!"
9. As sleek and beautiful as Pixar-style computer animation may be nowadays, there's still something cozy and tactile about these sorts of old-school stop-motion specials, with their moth-eaten wire-frame dolls and schmaltzy songs.
10. Or maybe it's just another example of lame Generation X nostalgia.
Progressive Flo
Is it just us, or is there is something strangely beguiling about Flo, the chatterbox spokesperson for Progressive Insurance with the "tricked out namebadge"?
Just us, then?
Just us and a reporter at WSBTV in Atlanta, apparently. They tracked down the actress who plays Flo... Stephanie Courtney.
Just us, then?
Just us and a reporter at WSBTV in Atlanta, apparently. They tracked down the actress who plays Flo... Stephanie Courtney.
Knee-jerk review: "Australia"
1. This is a whole lot of movie. Chock full of subplots and themes and homages and characters. Probably a few too many, truth be told. It's a little fuzzy around the edges.
2. The idea is clearly to offer the romantic sweep and thrilling historical action of Gone with the Wind. Give director Baz Luhrmann credit for ambition.
3. Nicole Kidman in the real world is becoming more plastic-looking with every passing day. And that smug little smirk she always wears doesn't do her any favors. But in the movie here she resembles an actual human being. And a likable one at that.
4. The cattle drive sequence is probably the highlight. Despite what the TV spots may suggest, this is in many ways an old-school Western.
5. Luhrmann, as usual, is very interested in filling his work with pop culture allusions. The Wizard of Oz plays a big role in the action here. It's not just discussed, but characters are shown watching it, and the tune "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" features prominently. More interesting, though, is the way Luhrmann's cinematography often calls to mind the big Technicolor epics of the 1930s.
6. Yeah, the kid who plays little Nullah is pretty good.
7. Hugh Jackman's solid as always. Why isn't he a bigger star? He only draws crowds when he's playing Wolverine, which is odd.
8. The opening few minutes is pretty weird tonally and formally, but the movie settles down soon enough.
9. A lot of it is familiar, but still fun. The freshest element is the class/race subplot involving the cruel treatment of Australian aborigines and the half-caste offspring of whites and Aborigines.
2. The idea is clearly to offer the romantic sweep and thrilling historical action of Gone with the Wind. Give director Baz Luhrmann credit for ambition.
3. Nicole Kidman in the real world is becoming more plastic-looking with every passing day. And that smug little smirk she always wears doesn't do her any favors. But in the movie here she resembles an actual human being. And a likable one at that.
4. The cattle drive sequence is probably the highlight. Despite what the TV spots may suggest, this is in many ways an old-school Western.
5. Luhrmann, as usual, is very interested in filling his work with pop culture allusions. The Wizard of Oz plays a big role in the action here. It's not just discussed, but characters are shown watching it, and the tune "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" features prominently. More interesting, though, is the way Luhrmann's cinematography often calls to mind the big Technicolor epics of the 1930s.
6. Yeah, the kid who plays little Nullah is pretty good.
7. Hugh Jackman's solid as always. Why isn't he a bigger star? He only draws crowds when he's playing Wolverine, which is odd.
8. The opening few minutes is pretty weird tonally and formally, but the movie settles down soon enough.
9. A lot of it is familiar, but still fun. The freshest element is the class/race subplot involving the cruel treatment of Australian aborigines and the half-caste offspring of whites and Aborigines.
11.24.2008
Ode to the "Real World/Road Rules Challenge"
Last month, the latest cycle of MTV's "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" concluded with its usual paroxysm of backstabbing duplicity. You see, the guys had told Paula all along that they'd be keeping her as part of their alliance but then at the last minute they flipped on her and picked Evelyn instead because she was going to... Well, you get the point.
The "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" series ("RWRRC" for short) is like a king-sized bag of Chili Cheese Fritos. There's nothing of value there, and it may even be killing brain cells, but you can't stop consuming it
The "RWRRC" series is a rip-off of "Survivor." Two teams live together at some exotic location and compete for rewards and immunity every couple of days. One person gets eliminated each week with the ultimate goal being that the final handful of contestants left standing get a chance to compete in one last huge challenge for a big pot of cash. As for us viewers, we get front-row seats for the resultant alliance-building and double-crossing, all of it peppered with four-letter words bleeped by MTV. But because mouths aren't pixilated, you learn quick how to read lips.
Why is this show so addictive? We don't know... and we're not sure we care. But in the interests of self-improvement, we tried to analyze the show's allure. Why can't we change the channel?
1. The repertory effect. Unlike shows like "Survivor" in which each season introduces a new cast of characters, for "RWRRC" there's an awful lot of repeat appearances among a small pool of contestants. Some of these people we've watched compete in four or five "Challenge" cycles, making them as familiar as scripted show characters. Just as you know Jack McCoy's hard-nosed idiosyncracies on "Law and Order," so too do regular "RWRRC" viewers know these contestants: flirty Kenny, unstable Robin, stubborn Evelyn, honorable Derrick. There's also the catty bonus element of seeing how the contestants have changed since we last saw them. This often involves ridiculous plastic surgery for the girls.
2. Familiarity breeds contempt. This is a big one. You have to understand that "RWRRC" contestants have tangled off-screen lives that are more salacious than most soap operas. They date each other, break up with each other, cheat on each other (with each other), start lame dead-end businesses with each other. And they know everything about each other. When you join the cast of "The Real World" or "Road Rules" it's like you're becoming a part of the world's most dysfunctional family. So when contestants gather to compete for "RWRRC," they're coming into it with pre-existing relationships, friendships, and grudges. It's not like "Survivor" where total strangers must trust each other from scratch. For this reason alone, the alliances on "RWRRC" have a subtext you don't find on other shows. Every strategic decision seems all the more dramatic and emotional (e.g. players refuse to backstab a friend even if it means losing the game; players eagerly conspire to find creative ways to double-cross enemies; players find it difficult to show contrition or apologize to enemies even if it means winning the game) because of the long-term relationships the contestants have outside of the show. It's "Survivor" on crack.
3. The appeal of snobbery. The "RWRRC" contestants are all in their 20s and they do what all 20-year-olds do on MTV. They have sex, they drink, and they curse. And sometimes in the midst of all of this, especially when alcohol is involved, things get heated. Insults fly (the best being when the older contestants are jeered for being, gulp, 30), fists are sometimes thrown, and you're sitting at home gobsmocked that people actually act this way. On purpose. With a camera in their face. There's a delicious feeling of smug superiority watching "RWRRC" because these people are all completely nuts in a way that you can only vaguely comprehend. It's the theater of the rude and the lewd.
4. Envy. We're not going to lie. These are all very attractive people, in far better shape than you, getting a lot more action than you ever did. And they're getting paid, maybe even earning a living, to run on obstacle courses in the warm sand of a Central American beach every six months.
Okay, so what have we learned? We're not proud of our devotion. "RWRRC" is the guiltiest of guilty pleasures. And if you ask us about it in person, we'll pretend we don't watch.
The "Real World/Road Rules Challenge" series ("RWRRC" for short) is like a king-sized bag of Chili Cheese Fritos. There's nothing of value there, and it may even be killing brain cells, but you can't stop consuming it
The "RWRRC" series is a rip-off of "Survivor." Two teams live together at some exotic location and compete for rewards and immunity every couple of days. One person gets eliminated each week with the ultimate goal being that the final handful of contestants left standing get a chance to compete in one last huge challenge for a big pot of cash. As for us viewers, we get front-row seats for the resultant alliance-building and double-crossing, all of it peppered with four-letter words bleeped by MTV. But because mouths aren't pixilated, you learn quick how to read lips.
Why is this show so addictive? We don't know... and we're not sure we care. But in the interests of self-improvement, we tried to analyze the show's allure. Why can't we change the channel?
1. The repertory effect. Unlike shows like "Survivor" in which each season introduces a new cast of characters, for "RWRRC" there's an awful lot of repeat appearances among a small pool of contestants. Some of these people we've watched compete in four or five "Challenge" cycles, making them as familiar as scripted show characters. Just as you know Jack McCoy's hard-nosed idiosyncracies on "Law and Order," so too do regular "RWRRC" viewers know these contestants: flirty Kenny, unstable Robin, stubborn Evelyn, honorable Derrick. There's also the catty bonus element of seeing how the contestants have changed since we last saw them. This often involves ridiculous plastic surgery for the girls.
2. Familiarity breeds contempt. This is a big one. You have to understand that "RWRRC" contestants have tangled off-screen lives that are more salacious than most soap operas. They date each other, break up with each other, cheat on each other (with each other), start lame dead-end businesses with each other. And they know everything about each other. When you join the cast of "The Real World" or "Road Rules" it's like you're becoming a part of the world's most dysfunctional family. So when contestants gather to compete for "RWRRC," they're coming into it with pre-existing relationships, friendships, and grudges. It's not like "Survivor" where total strangers must trust each other from scratch. For this reason alone, the alliances on "RWRRC" have a subtext you don't find on other shows. Every strategic decision seems all the more dramatic and emotional (e.g. players refuse to backstab a friend even if it means losing the game; players eagerly conspire to find creative ways to double-cross enemies; players find it difficult to show contrition or apologize to enemies even if it means winning the game) because of the long-term relationships the contestants have outside of the show. It's "Survivor" on crack.
3. The appeal of snobbery. The "RWRRC" contestants are all in their 20s and they do what all 20-year-olds do on MTV. They have sex, they drink, and they curse. And sometimes in the midst of all of this, especially when alcohol is involved, things get heated. Insults fly (the best being when the older contestants are jeered for being, gulp, 30), fists are sometimes thrown, and you're sitting at home gobsmocked that people actually act this way. On purpose. With a camera in their face. There's a delicious feeling of smug superiority watching "RWRRC" because these people are all completely nuts in a way that you can only vaguely comprehend. It's the theater of the rude and the lewd.
4. Envy. We're not going to lie. These are all very attractive people, in far better shape than you, getting a lot more action than you ever did. And they're getting paid, maybe even earning a living, to run on obstacle courses in the warm sand of a Central American beach every six months.
Okay, so what have we learned? We're not proud of our devotion. "RWRRC" is the guiltiest of guilty pleasures. And if you ask us about it in person, we'll pretend we don't watch.
Knee-jerk review: "Twilight"
1. For the uninitiated, don't worry. It's not as bad as you might think.
2. In fact, it's pretty good for what it is.
3. Robert Pattinson could have dialed down his tortured, angst-ridden James Dean impersonation, though. You're a loner. We get it.
4. It's easy to see why the story appeals to tween girls (and the tween girl inside every adult woman): forbidden love, mysterious hunk protector, the adolescent melodramatic belief that first love is everlasting love. It's romantic, okay?
5. The movie was made cheap and it does sometimes show, but that only adds to its charm. There's a unity to the vision here, as opposed to the storytelling-by-committee vanilla pointlessness that sometimes infects big budget movies.
6. Billy Burke makes the most of his part as a small town cop. He's a lot of fun to watch.
7. Catherine Hardwicke, who directed the underrated 2003 teen drama Thirteen, shows again that she has a genuine knack for infusing teen stories, no matter how over-the-top, with a level of realism, especially with the high school student characters.
8. Kristen Stewart does a pretty goob job until that last hospital scene when she starts to "act."
9. Loved the mortar board gag.
10. The baseball game is pretty cheesy, all cornball fast-forwards and slow-motions, but the showdown that comes right after it (bad vampires meet good vampires) is the best part of the movie.
11. There's a very literary feel to the story, which is all broad strokes and big symbolism. For the most part, it works.
2. In fact, it's pretty good for what it is.
3. Robert Pattinson could have dialed down his tortured, angst-ridden James Dean impersonation, though. You're a loner. We get it.
4. It's easy to see why the story appeals to tween girls (and the tween girl inside every adult woman): forbidden love, mysterious hunk protector, the adolescent melodramatic belief that first love is everlasting love. It's romantic, okay?
5. The movie was made cheap and it does sometimes show, but that only adds to its charm. There's a unity to the vision here, as opposed to the storytelling-by-committee vanilla pointlessness that sometimes infects big budget movies.
6. Billy Burke makes the most of his part as a small town cop. He's a lot of fun to watch.
7. Catherine Hardwicke, who directed the underrated 2003 teen drama Thirteen, shows again that she has a genuine knack for infusing teen stories, no matter how over-the-top, with a level of realism, especially with the high school student characters.
8. Kristen Stewart does a pretty goob job until that last hospital scene when she starts to "act."
9. Loved the mortar board gag.
10. The baseball game is pretty cheesy, all cornball fast-forwards and slow-motions, but the showdown that comes right after it (bad vampires meet good vampires) is the best part of the movie.
11. There's a very literary feel to the story, which is all broad strokes and big symbolism. For the most part, it works.
"Survivor Gabon": Contestant most likely to win
Sugar, 3:1
Kenny, 4:1
Mattie, 5:2
Susie, 7:1
Bob, 10:1
Corrine, 15:1
Crystal, 20:1
Kenny, 4:1
Mattie, 5:2
Susie, 7:1
Bob, 10:1
Corrine, 15:1
Crystal, 20:1
11.18.2008
Ice or no ice?
The October issue of Wired magazine took a scientific approach to the age-old question of how much ice is enough ice when you're paying $5 for a soft drink at the movie theater.
Factoring in volume, temperature, and cost, the answer is that an "easy on the ice" approach is the best approach.
Click on the image below to get a closer look at the figures.
Factoring in volume, temperature, and cost, the answer is that an "easy on the ice" approach is the best approach.
Click on the image below to get a closer look at the figures.
Knee-jerk review: "Role Models"
1. Forgetting Sarah Marshall remains 2008's funniest comedy, but it's practically a photo finish with this one. It's definitely funnier than Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express.
2. Paul Rudd remains extremely underrated. No one can do deadpan bitter misanthropy quite like him. This is his movie, especially the scene where he viciously insults a Starbucks-like barista.
3. "And your whispering eye."
4. In addition to the comedy going on front and center, this is also a movie full of small background moments of inspired insanity, especially the many minor characters who all seem to be fully-realized (if weirdo) characters.
5. You will laugh out loud. Guaranteed.
6. Unless you're easily offended by profane, R-rated humor. In which case we can make no guarantees.
7. You know the KISS reference will circle back around in time to contribute to the climax, but that doesn't make it any less enjoyable.
8. A great reminder of how critical perfect casting is. Every role pops.
2. Paul Rudd remains extremely underrated. No one can do deadpan bitter misanthropy quite like him. This is his movie, especially the scene where he viciously insults a Starbucks-like barista.
3. "And your whispering eye."
4. In addition to the comedy going on front and center, this is also a movie full of small background moments of inspired insanity, especially the many minor characters who all seem to be fully-realized (if weirdo) characters.
5. You will laugh out loud. Guaranteed.
6. Unless you're easily offended by profane, R-rated humor. In which case we can make no guarantees.
7. You know the KISS reference will circle back around in time to contribute to the climax, but that doesn't make it any less enjoyable.
8. A great reminder of how critical perfect casting is. Every role pops.
Knee-jerk review: "Quantum of Solace"
1. We weren't always exactly sure what was going on with the plot, but we got the gist.
2. Daniel Craig remains the best James Bond. Sorry, Connery loyalists. Now if only he'd lighten up just a little.
3. On one hand, yeah, it's a little annoying the way that these reboots are so brazenly mimicking the gritty chop-kick-smash action of the Bourne movies. On the other hard, if anyone gets a free pass in ripping off a spy movie, it's James Bond.
4. The opera scene is probably the best part of the movie, with the desert climax a close second.
5. Also cool is the rooftop footchase.
6. Judi Dench gets all the best lines.
7. Some of the action, however, is sliced and diced in such a way that it's impossible to follow. Rapid cuts of extreme close ups and overmodulated sound effects isn't how you put together an exciting action sequence.
8. Great allusion to Goldfinger. Poor Strawberry Fields.
9. Agreed. That's one weird title.
10. Let's not spoil it, but the ending is exceedingly kick-ass in the way it brings back a very familiar James Bond element for the first time in the reboots.
11. Maxim magazine calls Olga Kurylenko the hottest Bond girl ever. At this time the Cheese Fry cannot argue with that.
12. Then again, the movie's most engaging relationship has nothing to do with Kurylenko. The only real warmth in the movie comes from the dynamic of Bond and M.
13. James Bond has most definitely never before been this cold-blooded. He seems very eager to use deadly force.
14. Why must the Bond theme songs all be so lame? How is this possible? Honestly, you'd have to go all the way back to the 1980s to find a truly memorable theme song (For Your Eyes Only and A View to a Kill aren't musical classics, but you can hum them). If Miley Cyrus can dig up songwriters who can put together a hooky single, why can't the James Bond producers?
15. Dig that Universal Exports business card.
In January 2007, the Cheese Fry ranked all of the Eon-MGM James Bond movies.
2. Daniel Craig remains the best James Bond. Sorry, Connery loyalists. Now if only he'd lighten up just a little.
3. On one hand, yeah, it's a little annoying the way that these reboots are so brazenly mimicking the gritty chop-kick-smash action of the Bourne movies. On the other hard, if anyone gets a free pass in ripping off a spy movie, it's James Bond.
4. The opera scene is probably the best part of the movie, with the desert climax a close second.
5. Also cool is the rooftop footchase.
6. Judi Dench gets all the best lines.
7. Some of the action, however, is sliced and diced in such a way that it's impossible to follow. Rapid cuts of extreme close ups and overmodulated sound effects isn't how you put together an exciting action sequence.
8. Great allusion to Goldfinger. Poor Strawberry Fields.
9. Agreed. That's one weird title.
10. Let's not spoil it, but the ending is exceedingly kick-ass in the way it brings back a very familiar James Bond element for the first time in the reboots.
11. Maxim magazine calls Olga Kurylenko the hottest Bond girl ever. At this time the Cheese Fry cannot argue with that.
12. Then again, the movie's most engaging relationship has nothing to do with Kurylenko. The only real warmth in the movie comes from the dynamic of Bond and M.
13. James Bond has most definitely never before been this cold-blooded. He seems very eager to use deadly force.
14. Why must the Bond theme songs all be so lame? How is this possible? Honestly, you'd have to go all the way back to the 1980s to find a truly memorable theme song (For Your Eyes Only and A View to a Kill aren't musical classics, but you can hum them). If Miley Cyrus can dig up songwriters who can put together a hooky single, why can't the James Bond producers?
15. Dig that Universal Exports business card.
In January 2007, the Cheese Fry ranked all of the Eon-MGM James Bond movies.
11.08.2008
Knee-jerk review: "Rachel Getting Married"
1. Anne Hathaway really can act. She's a revelation here, set free of her usual aw-shucks cutesy romantic comedy roles.
2. It calls to mind last year's Margot at the Wedding (upper-class wedding disrupted by family dysfunction), but this movie's way more entertaining if only because it's got some real humor in it. A closer cousin would be 2003's underrated Pieces of April.
3. Also a big plus is the way that there are no easy answers here. The family is a mess, but a completely understandable mess given the tragic shared history. You get why these people act the way they do.
4. But enough with the long indulgent sequences of singing and dancing. We get it: everyone's enjoying the wedding. Let's just keep things moving, okay? The movie could have lost 15 minutes of this stuff, easy.
5. The dishwasher contest is the best scene of the movie. From humor to tragedy in five second flat. Outstanding.
6. God bless Debra Winger, who's decided it's okay to look her age. And she looks great.
7. Mather Zickel looks just like Clive Owen. Uncanny.
8. The only real suspension of disbelief comes from buying that Rosemary DeWitt's character would fall for Tunde Adebimpe's character.
9. Most movies might focus on the events surrounding a tragic family event. Here, though, the movie's about what happens ten years later. Very interesting.
10. Top notch.
2. It calls to mind last year's Margot at the Wedding (upper-class wedding disrupted by family dysfunction), but this movie's way more entertaining if only because it's got some real humor in it. A closer cousin would be 2003's underrated Pieces of April.
3. Also a big plus is the way that there are no easy answers here. The family is a mess, but a completely understandable mess given the tragic shared history. You get why these people act the way they do.
4. But enough with the long indulgent sequences of singing and dancing. We get it: everyone's enjoying the wedding. Let's just keep things moving, okay? The movie could have lost 15 minutes of this stuff, easy.
5. The dishwasher contest is the best scene of the movie. From humor to tragedy in five second flat. Outstanding.
6. God bless Debra Winger, who's decided it's okay to look her age. And she looks great.
7. Mather Zickel looks just like Clive Owen. Uncanny.
8. The only real suspension of disbelief comes from buying that Rosemary DeWitt's character would fall for Tunde Adebimpe's character.
9. Most movies might focus on the events surrounding a tragic family event. Here, though, the movie's about what happens ten years later. Very interesting.
10. Top notch.
"I, Barack Obama, do solemnly swear..."
History was made this past Tuesday, but the significance of Obama's landslide victory probably won't sink in for a while. How cool is it going to be to watch Obama hold a Rose Garden press conference?
Likewise, it will probably also take a while to realize that come January 20 the world will at last be safe from further geopolitical damage inflicted by the likes of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Paul Wolfowitz. May they all swiftly fade into irrelevant obscurity.
One big lesson the Cheese Fry learned over the last couple of weeks was how news organizations are so motivated more by advertising than by journalism. Yes, we can be very idealistic. If you read newspapers or watched pundits on TV, you might have been expecting a close election due to pre-election poll analyses. Looking back in hindsight, Obama's rout of the hapless McCain was probably a done deal by the middle of October. But that sort of thing doesn't draw audiences. A far more interesting story - one that begs repeat viewing, drives up ratings, and raises ad dollars - is one that talks about how the race is tightening up and that McCain could still win it. Whatever, people.
So why did McCain lose? A very unscientific think tank study commissioned by the Cheese Fry points to five keys to the Obama mandate.
1. Sarah Palin. Do you know anyone who truly and honestly liked or respected her? We don't. McCain's first presidential-level decision and this was how he responded. Aside from being hopelessly inexperienced, Palin was George W.-like in her smug confidence and phony down-home charm. She surely cost McCain votes.
2. Appearance. People often vote instinctually, choosing the more presidential-looking candidate. And that means the more polished, the taller, and the more charming candidate carries the day. Reagan over Carter. Reagan over Mondale. Bush over Dukakis. Clinton over Bush and Perot. Clinton over Dole. Bush over Kerry (you know it's true). And now Obama over McCain. Did you see the debates? McCain looked okay in the second one, a town hall forum requiring the candidates walk around a stage and perch on stools. A lot of long shots and medium shots. But in the third debate where both candidates were sitting at a table, it was all close-ups and McCain looked absolutely terrible. This was the Kennedy-Nixon debate all over again. Only in high-definition digital.
3. The economy. Had the Iraq war stayed on the front burner and allowed McCain to flex his foreign policy muscles more, things might have been a lot different for this election.
4. George W. If anyone deserves credit for Obama's win, it's not David Plouffe, it's President Bush. Voters may have confidence in Obama, but what happened Tuesday was also partially a show of zero confidence in Bush. It would have been hard for any Republican to win the White House in 2008.
5. Money. Obama's financial resources dwarfed McCain's and in a country where campaigns live and die by TV spots, McCain was at a severe disadvantage. It almost wasn't even fair. Obama had so much money he didn't know what to do with that he ended up creating a million-dollar prime-time infomercial.
Likewise, it will probably also take a while to realize that come January 20 the world will at last be safe from further geopolitical damage inflicted by the likes of George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Paul Wolfowitz. May they all swiftly fade into irrelevant obscurity.
One big lesson the Cheese Fry learned over the last couple of weeks was how news organizations are so motivated more by advertising than by journalism. Yes, we can be very idealistic. If you read newspapers or watched pundits on TV, you might have been expecting a close election due to pre-election poll analyses. Looking back in hindsight, Obama's rout of the hapless McCain was probably a done deal by the middle of October. But that sort of thing doesn't draw audiences. A far more interesting story - one that begs repeat viewing, drives up ratings, and raises ad dollars - is one that talks about how the race is tightening up and that McCain could still win it. Whatever, people.
So why did McCain lose? A very unscientific think tank study commissioned by the Cheese Fry points to five keys to the Obama mandate.
1. Sarah Palin. Do you know anyone who truly and honestly liked or respected her? We don't. McCain's first presidential-level decision and this was how he responded. Aside from being hopelessly inexperienced, Palin was George W.-like in her smug confidence and phony down-home charm. She surely cost McCain votes.
2. Appearance. People often vote instinctually, choosing the more presidential-looking candidate. And that means the more polished, the taller, and the more charming candidate carries the day. Reagan over Carter. Reagan over Mondale. Bush over Dukakis. Clinton over Bush and Perot. Clinton over Dole. Bush over Kerry (you know it's true). And now Obama over McCain. Did you see the debates? McCain looked okay in the second one, a town hall forum requiring the candidates walk around a stage and perch on stools. A lot of long shots and medium shots. But in the third debate where both candidates were sitting at a table, it was all close-ups and McCain looked absolutely terrible. This was the Kennedy-Nixon debate all over again. Only in high-definition digital.
3. The economy. Had the Iraq war stayed on the front burner and allowed McCain to flex his foreign policy muscles more, things might have been a lot different for this election.
4. George W. If anyone deserves credit for Obama's win, it's not David Plouffe, it's President Bush. Voters may have confidence in Obama, but what happened Tuesday was also partially a show of zero confidence in Bush. It would have been hard for any Republican to win the White House in 2008.
5. Money. Obama's financial resources dwarfed McCain's and in a country where campaigns live and die by TV spots, McCain was at a severe disadvantage. It almost wasn't even fair. Obama had so much money he didn't know what to do with that he ended up creating a million-dollar prime-time infomercial.
11.04.2008
Knee-jerk review: "Changeling"
1. "Unpleasant" is the word that comes to mind.
2. If you enjoy watching stock villains full of sexist superiority (e.g. the condescending cop, the cruel doctor) humiliate, insult, and berate trembly Angelina Jolie, then this may be the movie for you.
3. Mostly, though, it's a Lifetime woman-in-peril cable movie with a big Hollywood budget.
4. Yes, terrible things happened in 1920s mental hospitals. But that doesn't make it entertaining to watch. Especially when the filmmakers are so manipulative in making the patients as helpless and hopeless as possible and the doctors and nurses as evil and unredeeming as possible.
5. There is an electroshock scene. It's that kind of movie.
6. And don't forget about the child axe murders. It's also that kind of movie.
7. Is there anything to recommend? Well, three performances pop off the screen. Jolie's is not one of them, if only because she spends most of the movie crying and suffering. Reactive, passive roles like this are what Oscar-winning actresses have to take sometimes. No, the performances that pop are Michael Kelly's decent cop, Geoffrey Pierson's bad-ass lawyer, and Jason Butler Harner's creepy killer.
8. The production design is sumptuous. This is surely how 1920s Los Angeles looked and felt, all sunshine, fancy hats, and public transportation.
9. The movie's probably 30 minutes too long.
10. Director Clint Eastwood gets a mulligan on this one. His next film, Gran Tarino, will be in theaters soon. It looks fun. Eastwood's cranking out almost two films a year these days, acting like a contract director at MGM in 1941.
11. Jolie is way too skinny here. Sickly, in fact.
2. If you enjoy watching stock villains full of sexist superiority (e.g. the condescending cop, the cruel doctor) humiliate, insult, and berate trembly Angelina Jolie, then this may be the movie for you.
3. Mostly, though, it's a Lifetime woman-in-peril cable movie with a big Hollywood budget.
4. Yes, terrible things happened in 1920s mental hospitals. But that doesn't make it entertaining to watch. Especially when the filmmakers are so manipulative in making the patients as helpless and hopeless as possible and the doctors and nurses as evil and unredeeming as possible.
5. There is an electroshock scene. It's that kind of movie.
6. And don't forget about the child axe murders. It's also that kind of movie.
7. Is there anything to recommend? Well, three performances pop off the screen. Jolie's is not one of them, if only because she spends most of the movie crying and suffering. Reactive, passive roles like this are what Oscar-winning actresses have to take sometimes. No, the performances that pop are Michael Kelly's decent cop, Geoffrey Pierson's bad-ass lawyer, and Jason Butler Harner's creepy killer.
8. The production design is sumptuous. This is surely how 1920s Los Angeles looked and felt, all sunshine, fancy hats, and public transportation.
9. The movie's probably 30 minutes too long.
10. Director Clint Eastwood gets a mulligan on this one. His next film, Gran Tarino, will be in theaters soon. It looks fun. Eastwood's cranking out almost two films a year these days, acting like a contract director at MGM in 1941.
11. Jolie is way too skinny here. Sickly, in fact.
10.29.2008
The Cheese Fry Endorses...
Esquire magazine recently devoted an issue to endorsements, offering its stamp of approval on select people, places, and things to help its readers make more informed decisions.
Now it's the Cheese Fry's turn.
We proudly offer our endorsement to...
* Newcastle Pale Ale
* green left turn arrows
* Cambria, California
* Wired magazine
* avocados
* CBS' Monday night comedies "How I Met Your Mother" and "The Big Bang Theory"
* Sugarland
* Sirius Satellite Radio
* Galveston, Texas
* the Arclight Hollywood theater
* the end of the George W. Bush presidency
* The Onion
* Chili's "Bottomless Chips and Salsa"
* Amy Poehler
* Dazed and Confused (the movie, not the song)
* Tennessee Titans head coach Jeff Fisher
* Tivo
* "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart"
* Ikea
* The Stand by Stephen King
* Barack Obama
* Apple
* the slant pass
* Jack and Coke
* Madonna's "Into the Groove"
* Han Solo
* central air conditioning
* Wikipedia
Now it's the Cheese Fry's turn.
We proudly offer our endorsement to...
* Newcastle Pale Ale
* green left turn arrows
* Cambria, California
* Wired magazine
* avocados
* CBS' Monday night comedies "How I Met Your Mother" and "The Big Bang Theory"
* Sugarland
* Sirius Satellite Radio
* Galveston, Texas
* the Arclight Hollywood theater
* the end of the George W. Bush presidency
* The Onion
* Chili's "Bottomless Chips and Salsa"
* Amy Poehler
* Dazed and Confused (the movie, not the song)
* Tennessee Titans head coach Jeff Fisher
* Tivo
* "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart"
* Ikea
* The Stand by Stephen King
* Barack Obama
* Apple
* the slant pass
* Jack and Coke
* Madonna's "Into the Groove"
* Han Solo
* central air conditioning
* Wikipedia
Knee-jerk review: "Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist"
1. It's really more cute and sweet that laugh-out-loud funny.
2. You've already seen the funniest bit in the movie: "It's not a cab, my friend. I promise you."
3. The chewing gum bit is disgusting, but funny. Especially the toilet part.
4. Michael Cera's soft-spoken stammering persona may get old eventually, but not yet. The guy is gold.
5. Although no way do we buy him as a bass guitar player. Sorry, dude.
6. Do New York City high schoolers really walk around Manhattan all night like this?
7. The Cheese Fry has always been unimpressed by the whole underground indie music scene, especially that air of smug superiority you see in those who love to follow no-name bands no one's heard of. The kind of person who, once a band gets big, suddenly brands that band an uncool sell-out. Do you like the band or do you like impressing people by saying you like the band?
8. Does anyone really still make mix CDs?
9. Another reviewer made a good point: how could Michael Cera's vanilla shlub ever have developed a relationship with Alexis Dziena's trendy bitch? The answer: he couldn't.
10. The Supercuts joke is a good one.
11. It's trying hard to be a cool, hip teen romance. May be trying too hard.
12. It's fun and breezy, yes, but also fairly forgettable.
2. You've already seen the funniest bit in the movie: "It's not a cab, my friend. I promise you."
3. The chewing gum bit is disgusting, but funny. Especially the toilet part.
4. Michael Cera's soft-spoken stammering persona may get old eventually, but not yet. The guy is gold.
5. Although no way do we buy him as a bass guitar player. Sorry, dude.
6. Do New York City high schoolers really walk around Manhattan all night like this?
7. The Cheese Fry has always been unimpressed by the whole underground indie music scene, especially that air of smug superiority you see in those who love to follow no-name bands no one's heard of. The kind of person who, once a band gets big, suddenly brands that band an uncool sell-out. Do you like the band or do you like impressing people by saying you like the band?
8. Does anyone really still make mix CDs?
9. Another reviewer made a good point: how could Michael Cera's vanilla shlub ever have developed a relationship with Alexis Dziena's trendy bitch? The answer: he couldn't.
10. The Supercuts joke is a good one.
11. It's trying hard to be a cool, hip teen romance. May be trying too hard.
12. It's fun and breezy, yes, but also fairly forgettable.
10.19.2008
Knee-jerk review: "W."
1. Well made, of course. But what was the point exactly? Why make it?
2. There's a number of interesting moments in W's early years, especially the turbulent relationship with his father and the tension surrounding George H.W.'s favoring of W's brother Jeb. That all works fairly well. It's practically Shakespearean.
3. But the movie also spends a good chunk of time dramatizing events of W's presidency in the run-up to the Iraq war. We all know how that turned out. We also know how wrong W and his merry band of cabinet members turned out to be on Iraq. Those scenes can't shake a lazy "been there, done that" vibe.
4. Josh Brolin is uncanny in his portrayal of W. It's not an impression, but it's very close. He's far better than the material he's been given. In many ways, Brolin's W seems more human and charming than the real W.
5. The one person who comes out looking awful is Condoleeza Rice. The way Thandie Newton plays her, Rice seems like a empty-headed piece of furniture, eagerly nodding and cooing her assent whenever needed.
6. Bruce McGill is always fun to watch, huh?
7. Can Dick Cheney really be this transparently reptilian? One can't help but wonder if things might have been different if Cheney didn't have the ear of W.
8. Conversely, could Colin Powell really have been this wise and prescient on the problems with invading Iraq? Hopelessly trying to be a voice of reason in a room full of short-sighted fools, all he needs is a halo.
9. Oliver Stone could have probably done a much better job if he'd just waited until 2010 to make this movie. Distance would have likely added more definition to the characters and events. Everything feels half-baked here. It's too immediate, too close.
10. And of course, there is no ending. Real life isn't so neat and tidy. The movie doesn't know when (or how) to stop. Might have been better to just end with W's 2001 inauguration. We all know the rest of the story (see #3 above).
11. It's the more poetic, more cinematic moments that pop, like Bush leading his cabinet on a hike in Crawford and getting them all lost. Or an aide offering his resignation for being so wrong on WMDs in Irag while surrounded by equally guilty cabinet members who refuse to join him.
12. More a novelty than anything.
2. There's a number of interesting moments in W's early years, especially the turbulent relationship with his father and the tension surrounding George H.W.'s favoring of W's brother Jeb. That all works fairly well. It's practically Shakespearean.
3. But the movie also spends a good chunk of time dramatizing events of W's presidency in the run-up to the Iraq war. We all know how that turned out. We also know how wrong W and his merry band of cabinet members turned out to be on Iraq. Those scenes can't shake a lazy "been there, done that" vibe.
4. Josh Brolin is uncanny in his portrayal of W. It's not an impression, but it's very close. He's far better than the material he's been given. In many ways, Brolin's W seems more human and charming than the real W.
5. The one person who comes out looking awful is Condoleeza Rice. The way Thandie Newton plays her, Rice seems like a empty-headed piece of furniture, eagerly nodding and cooing her assent whenever needed.
6. Bruce McGill is always fun to watch, huh?
7. Can Dick Cheney really be this transparently reptilian? One can't help but wonder if things might have been different if Cheney didn't have the ear of W.
8. Conversely, could Colin Powell really have been this wise and prescient on the problems with invading Iraq? Hopelessly trying to be a voice of reason in a room full of short-sighted fools, all he needs is a halo.
9. Oliver Stone could have probably done a much better job if he'd just waited until 2010 to make this movie. Distance would have likely added more definition to the characters and events. Everything feels half-baked here. It's too immediate, too close.
10. And of course, there is no ending. Real life isn't so neat and tidy. The movie doesn't know when (or how) to stop. Might have been better to just end with W's 2001 inauguration. We all know the rest of the story (see #3 above).
11. It's the more poetic, more cinematic moments that pop, like Bush leading his cabinet on a hike in Crawford and getting them all lost. Or an aide offering his resignation for being so wrong on WMDs in Irag while surrounded by equally guilty cabinet members who refuse to join him.
12. More a novelty than anything.
Mayday, mayday. This team is going down.
The Dallas Cowboys, a Superbowl favorite as of late August, will now be lucky to drag themselves across the finish line with a playboff berth.
People, this is what they call a Texas-sized train wreck.
A cohesive, selfless team maybe could perhaps stand losing its quarterback for a month, suffering the embarrassment of off-field fistfights and indefinite player suspensions, grappling with a Swiss-cheese secondary lacking veterans, squinting in the glare of HBO cameras, or the dubious high-profile signing of another boderline malcontent receiver.
But this is not such a team.
The Dallas Cowboys have lost all of their swagger and confidence. They play with sloppy inefficiency and an abject lack of discipline. Turnovers, penalties, false starts, blown coverage, sideline tantrums, and - worst of all - denial that they're mediocre at best. Someone forgot to tell these guys that you have to actually win games to make it into the Superbowl. Showing up isn't enough to earn a W. The teams you're playing? They want to beat you. That means you have to kind of, like, try to beat them.
There's blame to go around, but the Cheese Fry would like to single out head coach Wade Phillips. When he was hired two years ago, anyone who knew anything about the Cowboys' awful history with nice-guy coaches should have seen this coming. Phillips is not a disciplinarian. He's one of those stupid-ass "player's coaches." Players need iron leadership, not soft-focus grinning companionship. This guy doesn't even wear a headset on the sidelines and by now he seems incapable of getting the Cowboys ready to play on Sundays. Whatever he's been doing, one wonder if maybe they should doing the exact opposite. The last time the Cowboys had this kind of coach was a horrific streak of three 5-11 seasons under the guidance of grandfatherly teddy bear by the name of Dave Campo.
The Cowboys have now lost 3 of their last 4 games. You'd think with each loss that they'd have some kind of epiphany, that these embarrassing defeats would serve as a textbook "wake up call" to get it together. So far that hasn't happened.
We're not sure it will.
People, this is what they call a Texas-sized train wreck.
A cohesive, selfless team maybe could perhaps stand losing its quarterback for a month, suffering the embarrassment of off-field fistfights and indefinite player suspensions, grappling with a Swiss-cheese secondary lacking veterans, squinting in the glare of HBO cameras, or the dubious high-profile signing of another boderline malcontent receiver.
But this is not such a team.
The Dallas Cowboys have lost all of their swagger and confidence. They play with sloppy inefficiency and an abject lack of discipline. Turnovers, penalties, false starts, blown coverage, sideline tantrums, and - worst of all - denial that they're mediocre at best. Someone forgot to tell these guys that you have to actually win games to make it into the Superbowl. Showing up isn't enough to earn a W. The teams you're playing? They want to beat you. That means you have to kind of, like, try to beat them.
There's blame to go around, but the Cheese Fry would like to single out head coach Wade Phillips. When he was hired two years ago, anyone who knew anything about the Cowboys' awful history with nice-guy coaches should have seen this coming. Phillips is not a disciplinarian. He's one of those stupid-ass "player's coaches." Players need iron leadership, not soft-focus grinning companionship. This guy doesn't even wear a headset on the sidelines and by now he seems incapable of getting the Cowboys ready to play on Sundays. Whatever he's been doing, one wonder if maybe they should doing the exact opposite. The last time the Cowboys had this kind of coach was a horrific streak of three 5-11 seasons under the guidance of grandfatherly teddy bear by the name of Dave Campo.
The Cowboys have now lost 3 of their last 4 games. You'd think with each loss that they'd have some kind of epiphany, that these embarrassing defeats would serve as a textbook "wake up call" to get it together. So far that hasn't happened.
We're not sure it will.
May 8, 2009
The Cheese Fry is so there.
Previously, we discussed the best episodes of "Next Generation" and memorable dialogue from The Wrath of Khan.
Previously, we discussed the best episodes of "Next Generation" and memorable dialogue from The Wrath of Khan.
10.11.2008
"I need a CBC and chem-7, stat!"
It's been a long 14 years since NBC premiered a gritty little hospital drama called ER in September of 1994. Over three hundred episodes later, it's difficult to remember what couch potato life was like before the show became a Thursday night staple. While a smash success in its time, winning Emmys and big Neilsen numbers alike, the show has not aged well. Mercifully the proverbial plug will be pulled next spring amid much fanfare from the NBC promo people.
If you've caught ER in the last few seasons you'll see that it's very much stuck in the 1990s. You haven't missed much.
It's not the show's fault. There are only so many stories you can tell in Cook County General's emergency room (especially when you're juggling at least four subplots in every episode for 15 seasons) and this show has told them all.
Several times.
* Co-workers sleeping together and then breaking up, then getting back together.
* Doctors under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, which leads to Difficult Questions for coworkers regarding whether or not to blow the whistle.
* Ugly bureaucratic politics as unpopular doctors get promoted while the truly skilled doctors get the finger.
* Movie stars making a guest appearance to play a patient dying of a terminal illness. The hope for an Emmy nomination is painfully obvious.
* A very dire situation involving a lack of resources, whether it's beds, blood, or staff.
* Shootouts, explosions, virus outbreaks... in the hospital lobby where no security guard has ever proved useful.
* Train crashes, plane crashes, car crashes, all of them bringing in mass casualties and the frantic shout "We have to shut the ER down to triage!"
* Extreme weather that Makes Things Even Worse, from blizzards to heavy rains to heat waves.
* Messy domestic situations for the main characters, particularly those involving dying, crazy, addicted, or pushy parents. Immature siblings and bratty children also count.
* The tragic, unexpected (and ideally quite gory) death of a major character, typically in sweeps weeks. This is an emergency that has surely been marked with a gypsy curse.
* The miraculous recovery of a hopeless cause, reminding us that You Have to Have Faith...
* ...and the sudden demise of a seemingly simple case, reminding us that You Just Never Know.
* Patients in adjoining rooms that Share a Dramatic Connection (rival gangbagers, drunk drivers and victims, parent and child, husband and wife). Hopefully, one is worse off than the other so the one who's still conscious can look over through the glass doors and see the frantic, hopeless work being done on the other.
* Difficult personal choices involving mutually exclusive dichotomies (work-vs.-personal-life, following-hospital-rules vs. saving-the-patient).
* Dangerous procedures that have to be performed immediately (there's no time to get the patient to the OR) by a doctor who's Never Done This Before.
* An underage girl who's pregnant and can't tell her parents, the boyfriend, or both.
* The administering of a central line. Or the bungled administering of a central line.
* A strange object impaled somewhere strange.
* The arrival of a new doctor, who immediately rubs everyone the wrong way because of his/her A) incompetence or B) arrogance. Even better, this new doctor will be someone's new boss, thus adding to the friction.
It all sounds so familiar, huh?
Even the more shocking elements of the past have been recycled recently out of necessity. The 2002 twist in which Dr. Romano lost one arm in a freak accident thus becomes the 2007 "twist" in which poor Dr. Barnett's loses both legs. (I see your arm and raise you two legs.)
It's impossible to pick the best episodes, not out of a list of 300. But we can think back and remember the more memorable episodes, those that still stick out.
"Love's Labor Lost" (1995) - The one where Mark really screws up a baby delivery and the mother's dies. Still the best episode of the series.
"Hell and High Water" (1995) - The one where Dr. Ross finds some redemption for his self-destructive ways by saving a kid who's drowning in a culvert pipe during a flash flood.
"The Healers" (1996) - The one where Shep's paramedic partner suffers fatal burns.
"Ambush" (1997) - The gimmicky one that was shown live and had Dr. Ross watching a baseball game on TV in real time.
"Fathers and Sons" (1997) - The one where Mark Greene and Doug Ross go on a road trip together and deal with their strained relationships with their fathers.
"Night Shift" (1997) - The one where Dr. Gant dies and the only way they know he's dead is that they page him for help and the beeper sounds on the mangled patient on their gurney.
"All in the Family" (2000) - The one where perky little Lucy Knight dies on the operating table of her stab wounds moments after Dr. Romano actually shows some real emotion and promises her she'll be fine.
"Such Sweet Sorrow" (2000) - The one where Carol reunites with Doug and viewers get to see a special surprise return by George Clooney in the last shot.
"Damage is Done" (2002) - The one where Abby tries to help a battered neighbor and gets herself beat up by the abusive husband... which leads Luca to beat the hell out of him in a pool hall.
"On the Beach" (2002) - The one where Mark Greene dies of a brain tumor while sleeping in a bed in Hawaii.
Notice that none of these moments occurred after 2002. The death of Mark Greene is without a doubt ER's jump-the-shark moment. It's been all downhill from there. Just look at the character of Dr. Morris, the kind of goofy knucklehead that Ross and Benton would have taken out back and beat to hell had he dared to show his face in 1999.
That's not say the show was perfect pre-2002. With so big and sweeping a show, there were always imperfections. Case in point is the irritating surly character of Dr. Benton, who never met a patient or fellow doctor he didn't loathe. Special mention goes to the interminably tedious storyline involving his dying mother and his romance with nurse Jeanie Boulet.
And so the Cheese Fry bids a fond goodbye to ER. When it was good, it was great.
Now if you'll excuse us, we have a CT and C-spine to order.
If you've caught ER in the last few seasons you'll see that it's very much stuck in the 1990s. You haven't missed much.
It's not the show's fault. There are only so many stories you can tell in Cook County General's emergency room (especially when you're juggling at least four subplots in every episode for 15 seasons) and this show has told them all.
Several times.
* Co-workers sleeping together and then breaking up, then getting back together.
* Doctors under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, which leads to Difficult Questions for coworkers regarding whether or not to blow the whistle.
* Ugly bureaucratic politics as unpopular doctors get promoted while the truly skilled doctors get the finger.
* Movie stars making a guest appearance to play a patient dying of a terminal illness. The hope for an Emmy nomination is painfully obvious.
* A very dire situation involving a lack of resources, whether it's beds, blood, or staff.
* Shootouts, explosions, virus outbreaks... in the hospital lobby where no security guard has ever proved useful.
* Train crashes, plane crashes, car crashes, all of them bringing in mass casualties and the frantic shout "We have to shut the ER down to triage!"
* Extreme weather that Makes Things Even Worse, from blizzards to heavy rains to heat waves.
* Messy domestic situations for the main characters, particularly those involving dying, crazy, addicted, or pushy parents. Immature siblings and bratty children also count.
* The tragic, unexpected (and ideally quite gory) death of a major character, typically in sweeps weeks. This is an emergency that has surely been marked with a gypsy curse.
* The miraculous recovery of a hopeless cause, reminding us that You Have to Have Faith...
* ...and the sudden demise of a seemingly simple case, reminding us that You Just Never Know.
* Patients in adjoining rooms that Share a Dramatic Connection (rival gangbagers, drunk drivers and victims, parent and child, husband and wife). Hopefully, one is worse off than the other so the one who's still conscious can look over through the glass doors and see the frantic, hopeless work being done on the other.
* Difficult personal choices involving mutually exclusive dichotomies (work-vs.-personal-life, following-hospital-rules vs. saving-the-patient).
* Dangerous procedures that have to be performed immediately (there's no time to get the patient to the OR) by a doctor who's Never Done This Before.
* An underage girl who's pregnant and can't tell her parents, the boyfriend, or both.
* The administering of a central line. Or the bungled administering of a central line.
* A strange object impaled somewhere strange.
* The arrival of a new doctor, who immediately rubs everyone the wrong way because of his/her A) incompetence or B) arrogance. Even better, this new doctor will be someone's new boss, thus adding to the friction.
It all sounds so familiar, huh?
Even the more shocking elements of the past have been recycled recently out of necessity. The 2002 twist in which Dr. Romano lost one arm in a freak accident thus becomes the 2007 "twist" in which poor Dr. Barnett's loses both legs. (I see your arm and raise you two legs.)
It's impossible to pick the best episodes, not out of a list of 300. But we can think back and remember the more memorable episodes, those that still stick out.
"Love's Labor Lost" (1995) - The one where Mark really screws up a baby delivery and the mother's dies. Still the best episode of the series.
"Hell and High Water" (1995) - The one where Dr. Ross finds some redemption for his self-destructive ways by saving a kid who's drowning in a culvert pipe during a flash flood.
"The Healers" (1996) - The one where Shep's paramedic partner suffers fatal burns.
"Ambush" (1997) - The gimmicky one that was shown live and had Dr. Ross watching a baseball game on TV in real time.
"Fathers and Sons" (1997) - The one where Mark Greene and Doug Ross go on a road trip together and deal with their strained relationships with their fathers.
"Night Shift" (1997) - The one where Dr. Gant dies and the only way they know he's dead is that they page him for help and the beeper sounds on the mangled patient on their gurney.
"All in the Family" (2000) - The one where perky little Lucy Knight dies on the operating table of her stab wounds moments after Dr. Romano actually shows some real emotion and promises her she'll be fine.
"Such Sweet Sorrow" (2000) - The one where Carol reunites with Doug and viewers get to see a special surprise return by George Clooney in the last shot.
"Damage is Done" (2002) - The one where Abby tries to help a battered neighbor and gets herself beat up by the abusive husband... which leads Luca to beat the hell out of him in a pool hall.
"On the Beach" (2002) - The one where Mark Greene dies of a brain tumor while sleeping in a bed in Hawaii.
Notice that none of these moments occurred after 2002. The death of Mark Greene is without a doubt ER's jump-the-shark moment. It's been all downhill from there. Just look at the character of Dr. Morris, the kind of goofy knucklehead that Ross and Benton would have taken out back and beat to hell had he dared to show his face in 1999.
That's not say the show was perfect pre-2002. With so big and sweeping a show, there were always imperfections. Case in point is the irritating surly character of Dr. Benton, who never met a patient or fellow doctor he didn't loathe. Special mention goes to the interminably tedious storyline involving his dying mother and his romance with nurse Jeanie Boulet.
And so the Cheese Fry bids a fond goodbye to ER. When it was good, it was great.
Now if you'll excuse us, we have a CT and C-spine to order.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)