Best Actor
Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
>>The kind of lifetime achievement award Oscar loves to bestow. Bridges has already been sweeping other award shows. Consider this a lock.
George Clooney, Up in the Air
>>Already won one for Syriana a couple of years ago. He probably won’t get another until he provides a showstopper performance that’s impossible to ignore.
Colin Firth, A Single Man
>>Should be happy to be here since no one saw his movie.
Morgan Freeman, Invictus
>>Ditto.
Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker
>>A good performance, but the star of that movie is really the directing.
Best Actress
Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
>>We’ll have to see the movie to offer an informed opinion on the groundswell of support for Bullock. As of now, we remain dubious. Oscar loves rewarding movie stars, but we can’t believe that this is Bullock's Erin Brockovich. From the outside, it looks like a Lifetime movie, too small, too fluffy.
Helen Mirren, The Last Station
>>She rather recently won for The Queen. It seems doubtful she’ll ever win again. Oscar loves to spread the wealth.
Carey Mulligan, An Education
>>No way. Oscar gives Best Actress awards to name actors, not ingénues.
Gabourney Sidibe, Precious
>>Ditto.
Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia
>>The Oscar love affair with Streep has become something of a joke to the Cheese Fry. She’s amazing, yes. But this is getting silly. Streep racks up nomination after nomination but hasn’t won in over 25 years. It’s practically an automatic nomination, like Kelsey Grammer at the Emmys in the 1990s. We think her problem is that she won two Oscars very early in her career (Kramer vs. Kramer and Sophie's Choice) and now the Academy isn’t sure what to do with her. We think they’re waiting for a huge, career-defining performance to give her a third Oscar (to join the rarefied ranks of three-peats Ingrid Bergman and Jack Nicholson). This ain’t it.
Best Supporting Actor
Matt Damon, Invictus
>>No one saw the movie.
Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
>>Ditto.
Christopher Plummer, The Last Station
>>Double ditto.
Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
>>He was good and it’s his first nomination, so it could be a make-good on past slights, but…
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
>>..everyone seems to agree that he’s the best thing in the movie. A lock.
Best Supporting Actress
Penelope Cruz, Nine
>>No way. No one saw it.
Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air
>>Very strong, but may split votes with her co-star. If Oscar wants to follow tradition and use this award to anoint a glamorous newcomer (see also: Marisa Tomei, Mira Sorvino, Jennifer Hudson, Penelope Cruz, Renee Zellweger), this is the best chance to do so.
Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart
>>We think the Bridges win will be all that Oscar chooses to offer for that movie.
Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
>>See above, though we give the glamour nod to the more seasoned Farmiga.
Mo’Nique, Precious
>>She’s riding a wave of buzz and liberal Hollywood likely can’t pass up a chance to congratulate themselves on being color blind and supporting such an Important Film. Very close to a lock.
Director
Avatar
>>As groundbreaking as the film may be, Hollywood considers Jim Cameron a jackass. A win here would be a surprise.
The Hurt Locker
>>Oscar likely can’t pass up the chance to bestow its first directing award to a woman. Bonus points because Kathryn Bigelow actually, like, deserves it.
Inglourious Basterds
>>We honestly can’t ever imagine Tarantino winning this category. Flashforward to 2040 when he wins a lifetime achievement Oscar. That's what seems more likely.
Precious
>>No way. An honor to be here.
Up in the Air
>>Ditto, though Jason Reitman has an incredible track record (Thank You for Smoking, Juno). He’ll be back. His films so far have gotten exponentially better each time.
Best Original Screenplay
The Hurt Locker
>>The directing award may be enough, though this one is deserving. It's the odds-on-favorite since it's also in the running for the Writers Guild award, always a strong indicator of who wins the Oscar. Only this and A Serious Man were also nominated for the WGA award.
Inglourious Basterds
>>The supporting actor award may be enough, though this one is deserving.
The Messenger
>>No one’s seen it.
A Serious Man
>>Ditto.
Up
>>This is intriguing. Could this be a way to honor Pixar? If so, it’d leave a bad taste in our mouths. Up isn’t nearly as well-written as The Incredibles or Ratatouille.
Best Adapted Screenplay
District 9
>>We’d love a world where Oscar rewards science fiction, but we can’t see it.
An Education
>>No one saw this movie.
In the Loop
>>Ditto.
Precious
>>It would seem to be a run-off between Precious and Up in the Air. Both are the only ones from this list also nominated for a WGA award.
Up in the Air
>>We loved this script and hope it wins.
Best Picture
>>For the record, consider us among those who hate this new format that allows ten nominees rather than five. It's clearly a decision based solely on Oscar’s craven need to pander to the TV audiences and do everything it can to get in “popular” movies as possible – history tells us that in the years that populist movies win Best Picture (Titanic in 1998, Lord of the Rings in 2004), the TV ratings go up. The real problem, perhaps, is the disconnect between high-minded, slightly snobby Oscar voters and the moviegoing masses who can actually enjoy a big popcorn spectacle without feeling guilty in the morning (see: The Dark Knight or Star Trek).
Avatar
>>The likely winner, if only because the Academy may want to avoid repeating past mistakes that embarrassingly gave the win to the lesser of two frontrunners, like Gandhi over ET or Shakespeare in Love over Saving Private Ryan. Avatar changed filmmaking and has broken all box office records. That may be tough to ignore.
The Blind Side
>>No way, people.
District 9
>>Science fiction doesn’t win... unless it changes filmmaking and breaks all box office records.
An Education
>>We didn’t see it, either.
The Hurt Locker
>>The supposed other frontrunner is peaking at just the right time in terms of buzz and popularity, but we’re figuring the Bigelow win for director will be all that Oscar allows. Without Avatar, would have been a probable lock.
Inglorious Basterds
>>In the old days, this would have been the classic “fifth slot” surprise, the unexpected nomination that fills out the list. The nomination is reward enough.
Precious
>>Worthy, respectable, deserved. Won’t win.
A Serious Man
>>The esoteric, British-themed, stoic drama. There’s one every year. Won’t win.
Up
>>Kudos to Pixar for getting its first Best Picture nomination. Only the second animated film to ever get nominated. Won’t win.
Up in the Air
>>The kind of finely-crafted, smart drama that Oscar loves, though it’s been suffering a strange sort of backlash (“It’s not that great”) at the wrong time. This is the dark horse.
2.16.2010
A word about "Fringe"
Last season, when “Fringe” premiered, we weren’t interested. Not only did it look like a rip-off of the late, great “X-Files” (or at least the first few seasons before Duchovny and Anderson lost interest), but we were neck-deep in a seemingly unending commitment to the serialized mystery of “Lost.” As one fellow “Lost”-ie so aptly puts it, watching “Lost” is like dealing with a bad relationship: you hang in there hoping the good times outnumber the bad times, praying for a satisfying resolution deep down you know will never come. In short, the Cheese Fry was not willing to invest in another TV show from J.J. Abrams (is he a hack or a genius? we can't decide) that would spend five years teasing us with little reveals that raised more questions than they answered, slowly revealing a byzantine backstory that could not possibly be answered in a satisfying way because the writers were making it up as they went along.
But then we learned that last season’s "Fringe" finale involved the series’ big twist: parallel universes. As in, another universe – full of strange alien technology including shapeshifters – is plotting an invasion of our universe.
Hmm.
We tentatively sampled “Fringe” this season. If we’re not exactly hooked, we do look forward to the episodes. Our fears about the show being an “X-Files” rip-off were indeed well founded. The show alternates between stand-alone supernatural-mystery-of-the-week episodes and serialized parallel-universe mythology episodes. And a lot of the supernatural science stuff seems lifted wholesale from “The X-Files.”
But “Fringe” has a secret weapon and that is John Noble as Dr. Walter Bishop, the brilliant, slightly agoraphobic scientist with a nebulous past involving black-book government projects in what the show calls “fringe science.” Today, he’s a consultant for the FBI unit charged with investigating paranormal activities (sound familiar?).
Part of Walter’s charm is surely his eccentric genius. He knows a lot about a great many subjects... but he also insists on keeping a live dairy cow in his lab so he can enjoy fresh milk... and he makes frequent mention of the many enjoyable psychotropic drugs he’s tried over the years. We stipulate that he’s the kind of quirky character, full of amusing idiosyncrasies, that exists more in TV shows than in real life. Doesn’t make him any less fun to watch.
More important, perhaps, is Walter’s vulnerability. He’s oftentimes like a helpless 8-year-old or, read another way, a senior citizen in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. Walter is still grappling with the fallout of a recent mental breakdown (we think – that stuff was probably explained more clearly in season 1 but we get the gist) that’s turned him into a kind of child prodigy: all intellect, no common sense. Walter can suss out the inner workings of the human brain’s natural ability to receive psychic signals, but gets hopelessly lost after a bus ride and can't remember how to call for help. Walter deduces the natural cause of a seemingly unnatural spontaneous combustion death, but displays a petulant tendency to pout if he doesn’t get his way.
What this means is that Walter needs a guardian, someone to act as his parent. And that person, of course, is his estranged son Peter (Joshua Jackson), who as a boy Walter essentially abandoned as Walter threw himself into his work. The heart of the show is Walter and Peter’s rocky reconciliation as they draw boundaries, forgive past sins, and develop a familial bond that they never before shared (e.g. Peter calls his father by his first name). Those family moments form the heart of the show, just as the sexual tension of Mulder and Scully gave “The X-Files” its emotional center. Clever plotting may be fun, but it’s always the characters that make a show resonate with viewers.
“Fringe,” we’re sorry we didn’t watch you sooner. But that’s why they make DVD box sets.
But then we learned that last season’s "Fringe" finale involved the series’ big twist: parallel universes. As in, another universe – full of strange alien technology including shapeshifters – is plotting an invasion of our universe.
Hmm.
We tentatively sampled “Fringe” this season. If we’re not exactly hooked, we do look forward to the episodes. Our fears about the show being an “X-Files” rip-off were indeed well founded. The show alternates between stand-alone supernatural-mystery-of-the-week episodes and serialized parallel-universe mythology episodes. And a lot of the supernatural science stuff seems lifted wholesale from “The X-Files.”
But “Fringe” has a secret weapon and that is John Noble as Dr. Walter Bishop, the brilliant, slightly agoraphobic scientist with a nebulous past involving black-book government projects in what the show calls “fringe science.” Today, he’s a consultant for the FBI unit charged with investigating paranormal activities (sound familiar?).
Part of Walter’s charm is surely his eccentric genius. He knows a lot about a great many subjects... but he also insists on keeping a live dairy cow in his lab so he can enjoy fresh milk... and he makes frequent mention of the many enjoyable psychotropic drugs he’s tried over the years. We stipulate that he’s the kind of quirky character, full of amusing idiosyncrasies, that exists more in TV shows than in real life. Doesn’t make him any less fun to watch.
More important, perhaps, is Walter’s vulnerability. He’s oftentimes like a helpless 8-year-old or, read another way, a senior citizen in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. Walter is still grappling with the fallout of a recent mental breakdown (we think – that stuff was probably explained more clearly in season 1 but we get the gist) that’s turned him into a kind of child prodigy: all intellect, no common sense. Walter can suss out the inner workings of the human brain’s natural ability to receive psychic signals, but gets hopelessly lost after a bus ride and can't remember how to call for help. Walter deduces the natural cause of a seemingly unnatural spontaneous combustion death, but displays a petulant tendency to pout if he doesn’t get his way.
What this means is that Walter needs a guardian, someone to act as his parent. And that person, of course, is his estranged son Peter (Joshua Jackson), who as a boy Walter essentially abandoned as Walter threw himself into his work. The heart of the show is Walter and Peter’s rocky reconciliation as they draw boundaries, forgive past sins, and develop a familial bond that they never before shared (e.g. Peter calls his father by his first name). Those family moments form the heart of the show, just as the sexual tension of Mulder and Scully gave “The X-Files” its emotional center. Clever plotting may be fun, but it’s always the characters that make a show resonate with viewers.
“Fringe,” we’re sorry we didn’t watch you sooner. But that’s why they make DVD box sets.
Non-knee-jerk review: "The Lovely Bones"
1. We can’t be sure (because we read the novel so long ago), but it seems like the filmmakers changed quite a bit of the story.
2. Sorry, Rachel Weisz. We cared not a whit about your annoying character. We're not even completely convinced you didn't have an affair with the detective.
3. Some truly amazing, beautiful imagery in Susie’s limbo afterlife. Example: the tree whose leaves turn into birds that fly away. Like, wow.
4. We liked it, but we can’t say that we loved it. Every beat felt so… very... drawn… out. Didn’t need be so long. As David Spade once famously joked about Malcolm X: “It’s called an editor. Hire one.”
5. Susan Sarandon sure looked like she was having fun. How old is she now, anyway?
6. No way Susie’s classmate crush was anywhere near her in age. Dude looked 25 at least. That’s the kind of poor casting choice that drives us crazy.
7. We think the killer got off kind of easy, too.
8. What was the purpose of the fake-looking contacts for Stanley Tucci? Distracting.
9. Remember the days of having to go get your film developed?
10. Without question, a movie about the rape and murder of a teen girl isn’t as escapist as it might have been a year ago, before we had a daughter of our own.
2. Sorry, Rachel Weisz. We cared not a whit about your annoying character. We're not even completely convinced you didn't have an affair with the detective.
3. Some truly amazing, beautiful imagery in Susie’s limbo afterlife. Example: the tree whose leaves turn into birds that fly away. Like, wow.
4. We liked it, but we can’t say that we loved it. Every beat felt so… very... drawn… out. Didn’t need be so long. As David Spade once famously joked about Malcolm X: “It’s called an editor. Hire one.”
5. Susan Sarandon sure looked like she was having fun. How old is she now, anyway?
6. No way Susie’s classmate crush was anywhere near her in age. Dude looked 25 at least. That’s the kind of poor casting choice that drives us crazy.
7. We think the killer got off kind of easy, too.
8. What was the purpose of the fake-looking contacts for Stanley Tucci? Distracting.
9. Remember the days of having to go get your film developed?
10. Without question, a movie about the rape and murder of a teen girl isn’t as escapist as it might have been a year ago, before we had a daughter of our own.
Magazine subscription evolution
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GQ (c. 1989-1993)
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Maxim (c. 1999-2002)
Sporting News (c. 2000-2002)
Consumer Reports (c. 2004-2006)
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1.23.2010
The NBC charlie-foxtrot
In the wake of Conan O'Brien's sad goodbye last night from NBC's airwaves as host of "The Tonight Show," let's take a moment to review the huge, and - we'll admit it - hugely amusing, mess NBC executives created these last few weeks. Anyone with a cursory knowledge of television could see that the clumsy handling and piss-poor strategizing of last summer's Jay Leno/Conan O'Brien shuffling would end badly. "The Tonight Show" is a cash cow and keeping it humming is of paramount importance to the network. Yet the only people who perhaps didn't know this whole plan was a disaster waiting to happen were the ones smugly sitting in NBC's executive offices in Burbank patting each other on the back for a job well done.
Where did it all go wrong?
1. Giving Jay Leno an end date. Several years ago, NBC was so worried about losing Conan O'Brien to a rival network that they promised Conan the "Tonight Show" desk and told Jay he'd have to retire to make way. At the time, it made sense in a weird sort of way. 2009 seemed so far into the future. The network had been badly burned by the fumbled transition from Johnny Carson to Jay Leno (interested parties should read Bill Carter's book The Late Shift) and clearly were trying to avoid a similar skirmish in installing the next host. But five years in television is an eternity. Anything can happen. Audiences change. Stars rise. Networks stumble. NBC was clearly banking on Leno's popularity fading and O'Brien's strengthening by the time 2009 rolled around. Neither happened and so NBC wound up having to kick out late-night's number one host and replace him with a well-liked, but niche host. The obvious lesson here: networks should ride the gravy train as long as possible. Can you imagine Fox giving the producers of "American Idol" an end date? Or CBS telling the "CSI" folks they have to pack it in to make room for a new show? It was a ridiculous move.
2. Keeping Jay Leno around. NBC made a bad decision back in 2004, then made it worse in 2009 by scrambling to find a place on their schedule for Jay Leno. You could practically smell the panic. Once they realized Leno was still number one, they crapped their collective pants. They couldn't let Leno go. But the guy isn't exactly the most versatile performer. He can host a talk show... and that's about it. So NBC gave him... another talk show. Which meant that NBC started running three hours of talk shows each night: Leno, O'Brien, and the poor forgotten stepchild Jimmy Fallon. If you ever watched Leno and O'Brien (and okay, Fallon) in the same night, you could quickly see the folly of this move: these shows are all essentially the same. Same punchlines about the same current events, the same wacky comedy bits, the same dull banter of celebrity interviews. If variety is the spice of life, NBC's schedule threw the spice rack right into the garbage.
3. Thinking audiences craved a talk show at 10pm, 9pm central. NBC made a big deal about how Jay would be fresh each and every night, especially during those long months when the other networks were airing dramas. Looks good on paper. Why watch a rerun of "The Mentalist" if you could see a new Jay Leno monologue? But audiences are creatures of habit. Sixty years of television viewing told us that talk shows come on after the local news, not before. NBC also seemed to misunderstand the purpose of those late-night shows. It's not completely about the talent of the host or the star power of the guests. It's about watching a show from your bed and falling asleep to its flickering blue glow. If you have any experience watching Jay Leno or Johnny Carson or David Letterman, chances are you were probably asleep midway through the first guest. It's a sleep aid, not appointment television. NBC made a big misstep in expecting audiences to show any interst in watching an entire talk show while still wide awake.
4. Proudly announcing that ratings didn't matter. Before everything crumbled, NBC was gloating in a way that suggested they had invented a new way of doing business. The new Jay Leno show, evocatively called "The Jay Leno Show," was developed with the full knowledge that Leno would not pull big numbers (so maybe they did sort of understand #3 above). Executives actually said this. Out loud. On the record. But since the show was so cheap to produce - in comparison to something like the late, great "ER" - they could still turn a nice little profit. Small ratings were acceptable. Unfortunately for NBC, one group of people who had a higher standard were local NBC stations around the country who rely on network lead-ins for their local evening news. NBC may have been okay with small audiences, but the Oklahoma Citys and Richmond, Virginias of the world - whose nightly news numbers were dropping like a rock - were sure as hell not okay with it. It was that local affiliate revolt that ultimately led to the cancellation of "The Jay Leno Show."
5. Refusing to give Conan a chance. Whether you like Conan's humor or not, you have to admit that NBC showed zero patience with him. Seven months in and they shut him down. We stipulate that his ratings were not good. But even the great Jay Leno had many many months to polish his show and develop a following. Back in the day, before his legendary post-hooker-arrest interview with Hugh Grant, Leno lost to David Letterman time and again. But Conan would get no such allowance to fine-tune his quirkiness and figure out what worked best. In fact, NBC gave Conan a big middle finger by sticking his predecessor 90 minutes before him. Why would old Jay Leno fans ever sample Conan if Jay Leno was, like, still on the air? Rather than directing "Tonight Show" fans to a single host, now those fans had their attention divided between the old host and the new host. What a mess. [By the way, we give some of the blame to Jay Leno. He loves to portray himself as a good-natured, likable guy, but he had to understand that he was undercutting Conan by airing 90 minutes before Conan. Worse, he says now he knew "The Jay Leno Show" would fail. So why would be agree to do it? If we indulge our cynical side, the answer is easy: we believe Leno was hanging around NBC in the hopes that Conan would stumble, his show would suck, and NBC would give him "The Tonight Show" back. Dick move. ]
6. Sabotaging prime time. The collateral damage in all of this is the NBC prime time schedule. Now that "The Jay Leno Show" is history, NBC has five hours of prime-time real estate to fill. And they have nothing to put on the air, people. This is a network in freefall, whose only hits are NFL football, "The Biggest Loser," two critically-acclaimed but low-rated comedies ("The Office" and "30 Rock"), and the very creaky, very old "Law & Order" franchise. Years of mismanagement and penny-pinching (i.e. the collapse of "Heroes" or the lame retreads like "Knight Rider" and "Bionic Woman") have led to a creative and economic wasteland. Ironically enough, it's those dire straits that partially led to "The Jay Leno Show" experiment - NBC was losing so much money on bad shows that it figured it might as well try and change the game by airing a show too cheap to lose money on.
We would argue that Conan is the victim in all of this, but how horrible can the crime be if you walk away with a $35 million check? He's a funny guy. Pointy and odd where Leno is so smooth and fake.
We're very curious to see how Jay Leno fares when he goes back to "The Tonight Show" next month. Will audiences welcome him back? Or will there be some backlash? He's suffered some big PR hits these last few days. Indeed, this week he's shuffling off to do some image rehabbing on Oprah's couch, where he'll surely plead innocence and befuddled confusion.
The funny part, of course, is that the drama behind all of these show moves is far more entertaining than the shows themselves. As more than one critic has noted, if everyone who's so fixated (us included) on the Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien machinations actually watched their shows, none of this probably would have happened.
Where did it all go wrong?
1. Giving Jay Leno an end date. Several years ago, NBC was so worried about losing Conan O'Brien to a rival network that they promised Conan the "Tonight Show" desk and told Jay he'd have to retire to make way. At the time, it made sense in a weird sort of way. 2009 seemed so far into the future. The network had been badly burned by the fumbled transition from Johnny Carson to Jay Leno (interested parties should read Bill Carter's book The Late Shift) and clearly were trying to avoid a similar skirmish in installing the next host. But five years in television is an eternity. Anything can happen. Audiences change. Stars rise. Networks stumble. NBC was clearly banking on Leno's popularity fading and O'Brien's strengthening by the time 2009 rolled around. Neither happened and so NBC wound up having to kick out late-night's number one host and replace him with a well-liked, but niche host. The obvious lesson here: networks should ride the gravy train as long as possible. Can you imagine Fox giving the producers of "American Idol" an end date? Or CBS telling the "CSI" folks they have to pack it in to make room for a new show? It was a ridiculous move.
2. Keeping Jay Leno around. NBC made a bad decision back in 2004, then made it worse in 2009 by scrambling to find a place on their schedule for Jay Leno. You could practically smell the panic. Once they realized Leno was still number one, they crapped their collective pants. They couldn't let Leno go. But the guy isn't exactly the most versatile performer. He can host a talk show... and that's about it. So NBC gave him... another talk show. Which meant that NBC started running three hours of talk shows each night: Leno, O'Brien, and the poor forgotten stepchild Jimmy Fallon. If you ever watched Leno and O'Brien (and okay, Fallon) in the same night, you could quickly see the folly of this move: these shows are all essentially the same. Same punchlines about the same current events, the same wacky comedy bits, the same dull banter of celebrity interviews. If variety is the spice of life, NBC's schedule threw the spice rack right into the garbage.
3. Thinking audiences craved a talk show at 10pm, 9pm central. NBC made a big deal about how Jay would be fresh each and every night, especially during those long months when the other networks were airing dramas. Looks good on paper. Why watch a rerun of "The Mentalist" if you could see a new Jay Leno monologue? But audiences are creatures of habit. Sixty years of television viewing told us that talk shows come on after the local news, not before. NBC also seemed to misunderstand the purpose of those late-night shows. It's not completely about the talent of the host or the star power of the guests. It's about watching a show from your bed and falling asleep to its flickering blue glow. If you have any experience watching Jay Leno or Johnny Carson or David Letterman, chances are you were probably asleep midway through the first guest. It's a sleep aid, not appointment television. NBC made a big misstep in expecting audiences to show any interst in watching an entire talk show while still wide awake.
4. Proudly announcing that ratings didn't matter. Before everything crumbled, NBC was gloating in a way that suggested they had invented a new way of doing business. The new Jay Leno show, evocatively called "The Jay Leno Show," was developed with the full knowledge that Leno would not pull big numbers (so maybe they did sort of understand #3 above). Executives actually said this. Out loud. On the record. But since the show was so cheap to produce - in comparison to something like the late, great "ER" - they could still turn a nice little profit. Small ratings were acceptable. Unfortunately for NBC, one group of people who had a higher standard were local NBC stations around the country who rely on network lead-ins for their local evening news. NBC may have been okay with small audiences, but the Oklahoma Citys and Richmond, Virginias of the world - whose nightly news numbers were dropping like a rock - were sure as hell not okay with it. It was that local affiliate revolt that ultimately led to the cancellation of "The Jay Leno Show."
5. Refusing to give Conan a chance. Whether you like Conan's humor or not, you have to admit that NBC showed zero patience with him. Seven months in and they shut him down. We stipulate that his ratings were not good. But even the great Jay Leno had many many months to polish his show and develop a following. Back in the day, before his legendary post-hooker-arrest interview with Hugh Grant, Leno lost to David Letterman time and again. But Conan would get no such allowance to fine-tune his quirkiness and figure out what worked best. In fact, NBC gave Conan a big middle finger by sticking his predecessor 90 minutes before him. Why would old Jay Leno fans ever sample Conan if Jay Leno was, like, still on the air? Rather than directing "Tonight Show" fans to a single host, now those fans had their attention divided between the old host and the new host. What a mess. [By the way, we give some of the blame to Jay Leno. He loves to portray himself as a good-natured, likable guy, but he had to understand that he was undercutting Conan by airing 90 minutes before Conan. Worse, he says now he knew "The Jay Leno Show" would fail. So why would be agree to do it? If we indulge our cynical side, the answer is easy: we believe Leno was hanging around NBC in the hopes that Conan would stumble, his show would suck, and NBC would give him "The Tonight Show" back. Dick move. ]
6. Sabotaging prime time. The collateral damage in all of this is the NBC prime time schedule. Now that "The Jay Leno Show" is history, NBC has five hours of prime-time real estate to fill. And they have nothing to put on the air, people. This is a network in freefall, whose only hits are NFL football, "The Biggest Loser," two critically-acclaimed but low-rated comedies ("The Office" and "30 Rock"), and the very creaky, very old "Law & Order" franchise. Years of mismanagement and penny-pinching (i.e. the collapse of "Heroes" or the lame retreads like "Knight Rider" and "Bionic Woman") have led to a creative and economic wasteland. Ironically enough, it's those dire straits that partially led to "The Jay Leno Show" experiment - NBC was losing so much money on bad shows that it figured it might as well try and change the game by airing a show too cheap to lose money on.
We would argue that Conan is the victim in all of this, but how horrible can the crime be if you walk away with a $35 million check? He's a funny guy. Pointy and odd where Leno is so smooth and fake.
We're very curious to see how Jay Leno fares when he goes back to "The Tonight Show" next month. Will audiences welcome him back? Or will there be some backlash? He's suffered some big PR hits these last few days. Indeed, this week he's shuffling off to do some image rehabbing on Oprah's couch, where he'll surely plead innocence and befuddled confusion.
The funny part, of course, is that the drama behind all of these show moves is far more entertaining than the shows themselves. As more than one critic has noted, if everyone who's so fixated (us included) on the Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien machinations actually watched their shows, none of this probably would have happened.
1.18.2010
"I'm not missing Happy Pony."
Despite its heavy rotation, this AT&T spot makes us laugh every time. A clever idea perfect in its execution. It's a funny riff on hard-boiled cop-dramas Mexican standoffs ("Drop 'em. Both of you."). But it's also a timely commentary on the way DVRs have changed our household interactions - who hasn't had an argument about a show conflict? - in a way that no one could have imagined just five years ago.
Plus there's all of the little details. The fearful look on mom's face as she dares to pull her remote on dad. The assertive way Billy stands up into the frame to get the drop on mom and dad - mom may be scared, but he's not. The way grandma dismisses the whole thing with a disgusted wave of her hand; DVRs are not a part of her generation - she can't possibly understand the dire, urgent showdown she's stumbled onto. The deadpan money line "And I'm not missing Happy Pony" delivered in a slow tracking shot that would be right at home in a cheesy 80s action movie. And for those with, ahem, DVRs, there's the fun of freeze-framing the shot of the TV as it scrolls through the details of the programs our family has presumably been arguing about: "Kung Fu Island," "Wheel of Fun," and - of course - "Happy Pony."
1.12.2010
Please go away and don't ever come back
Wouldn't the sudden and irrevocable disappearance of the following characters make for a more enjoyable 2010? Not to mention 2011.
* The New York Yankees
* lazy post office clerks
* Dick Cheney, obviously
* Jay Leno
* Paula Abdul
* people who talk on their cell phone while in line at the supermarket checkout
* Jon and Kate Gosselin and whatever skanks they have dated or will date or might date
* Brett Favre
* Sarah Palin, obviously
* Paris Hilton, always on lists like these
* the producers and insufferable hosts of "TMZ," "Extra," "Entertainment Tonight," "The Insider," et al
* Raiders owner Al Davis
* people who inexplicably refuse to move their stalled car out of the traffic
* Penelope Cruz (search your feelings - you know it to be true)
* the people who keep renewing the CW's "One Tree Hill"
* Whoopi Goldberg
* The New York Yankees
* lazy post office clerks
* Dick Cheney, obviously
* Jay Leno
* Paula Abdul
* people who talk on their cell phone while in line at the supermarket checkout
* Jon and Kate Gosselin and whatever skanks they have dated or will date or might date
* Brett Favre
* Sarah Palin, obviously
* Paris Hilton, always on lists like these
* the producers and insufferable hosts of "TMZ," "Extra," "Entertainment Tonight," "The Insider," et al
* Raiders owner Al Davis
* people who inexplicably refuse to move their stalled car out of the traffic
* Penelope Cruz (search your feelings - you know it to be true)
* the people who keep renewing the CW's "One Tree Hill"
* Whoopi Goldberg
1.03.2010
Knee-jerk review: “Avatar”
1. Too long, people. Too long.
2. We can’t say we loved it, but we also can’t say we didn’t like it. Reckon that means it falls somewhere in the middle. High expectations surely played a role.
3. One thing’s for sure – the Cheese Fry got a migraine watching it.
4. There’s probably no one better than writer-director James Cameron when it comes to ratcheting up the third-act tension and creating those suspenseful “oh crap!” moments in which it seems like there’s no possible way out for the characters. The last 20 minutes are the film’s best.
5. Some familiar Western archetypes here, cleverly transplanted to the science-fiction genre, whether it’s a hero-breaks-the-wild-bronco scene or the whole Native-American-genocide allegory (which is itself tied to the bullets-versus-longbows battle and the suggestion that superior technology does not always equal guaranteed victory).
6. You really do forget you’re watching giant blue aliens that live only in Weta’s computer servers. The whole movie is essentially one long visual effect. How can this not win a clutch of Oscars?
7. There’s some uncomfortable allusions to terrorism, but here the terrorists are the “good guy” humans. Creepiest moment involves ash falling gently after a 9/11-style surprise attack.
8. Much has been made about lead actor Sam Worthington. We’re not all that impressed, truth be told.
9. It’s by far one of the most imaginative and visually arresting science fiction films. Cameron and his team clearly spent a lot of time designing the indigenous plants and animals of planet Pandora. It’s got the complex level of detail you might expect from Star Wars or Star Trek, but not a one-off title that isn’t part of some larger, pre-established franchise title.
10. “My job is to keep you safe. I will not succeed.”
11. On one hand, we appreciate the environmental, we-are-one-with-the-planet message. On the other hand, it’s all perhaps a bit too sticky sentimental and self-important.
12. No, we didn’t see it in 3D. Or in Imax. We must be old-school traditionalists that way.
13. For the record, the best James Cameron films remains Aliens.
2. We can’t say we loved it, but we also can’t say we didn’t like it. Reckon that means it falls somewhere in the middle. High expectations surely played a role.
3. One thing’s for sure – the Cheese Fry got a migraine watching it.
4. There’s probably no one better than writer-director James Cameron when it comes to ratcheting up the third-act tension and creating those suspenseful “oh crap!” moments in which it seems like there’s no possible way out for the characters. The last 20 minutes are the film’s best.
5. Some familiar Western archetypes here, cleverly transplanted to the science-fiction genre, whether it’s a hero-breaks-the-wild-bronco scene or the whole Native-American-genocide allegory (which is itself tied to the bullets-versus-longbows battle and the suggestion that superior technology does not always equal guaranteed victory).
6. You really do forget you’re watching giant blue aliens that live only in Weta’s computer servers. The whole movie is essentially one long visual effect. How can this not win a clutch of Oscars?
7. There’s some uncomfortable allusions to terrorism, but here the terrorists are the “good guy” humans. Creepiest moment involves ash falling gently after a 9/11-style surprise attack.
8. Much has been made about lead actor Sam Worthington. We’re not all that impressed, truth be told.
9. It’s by far one of the most imaginative and visually arresting science fiction films. Cameron and his team clearly spent a lot of time designing the indigenous plants and animals of planet Pandora. It’s got the complex level of detail you might expect from Star Wars or Star Trek, but not a one-off title that isn’t part of some larger, pre-established franchise title.
10. “My job is to keep you safe. I will not succeed.”
11. On one hand, we appreciate the environmental, we-are-one-with-the-planet message. On the other hand, it’s all perhaps a bit too sticky sentimental and self-important.
12. No, we didn’t see it in 3D. Or in Imax. We must be old-school traditionalists that way.
13. For the record, the best James Cameron films remains Aliens.
The good and the bad of "The Howard Stern Show"
What we like:
* J.D.
* Eric the Midget’s indignant phone calls
* Fred’s sound effects
* Mr. Skin's visits
* “Stump the Booey”
* “Win Fred’s Money”
* Howard yelling at Scott the Engineer
* parody songs about Robin
* “The Wrap Up Show”
* Artie’s Laughing Man character
* the genius of Sourshoes
* Medicated Pete
* Ralph calling in
* the lack of FCC-mandated content rules
* Jeff the Drunk
* Howard hanging up on boring, stupid callers
What we don’t like:
* the mean-spirited “Jack and Rod Show” pranks
* Robin’s insufferable snobbery and know-it-all attitude
* stripper and/or porn star interviews
* the unending drama surrounding Artie’s mental health and addiction struggles
* the “Benji Vortex”
* Ronnie the Limo Driver
* any sort of beauty pageant - interns, strippers, or otherwise
* Scott DePace’s ridiculous right-wing statements
* Crazy Alice
* Steve Langford’s obsession with the legal problems of High Pitch Eric and Captain Jenks
* Maryann from Brooklyn
* appearances by washed-up musicians from Howard’s generation
* J.D.
* Eric the Midget’s indignant phone calls
* Fred’s sound effects
* Mr. Skin's visits
* “Stump the Booey”
* “Win Fred’s Money”
* Howard yelling at Scott the Engineer
* parody songs about Robin
* “The Wrap Up Show”
* Artie’s Laughing Man character
* the genius of Sourshoes
* Medicated Pete
* Ralph calling in
* the lack of FCC-mandated content rules
* Jeff the Drunk
* Howard hanging up on boring, stupid callers
What we don’t like:
* the mean-spirited “Jack and Rod Show” pranks
* Robin’s insufferable snobbery and know-it-all attitude
* stripper and/or porn star interviews
* the unending drama surrounding Artie’s mental health and addiction struggles
* the “Benji Vortex”
* Ronnie the Limo Driver
* any sort of beauty pageant - interns, strippers, or otherwise
* Scott DePace’s ridiculous right-wing statements
* Crazy Alice
* Steve Langford’s obsession with the legal problems of High Pitch Eric and Captain Jenks
* Maryann from Brooklyn
* appearances by washed-up musicians from Howard’s generation
12.24.2009
Holiday knee-jerk review: "A Charlie Brown Christmas"
1. We're very sad if a holiday season goes by and we don't catch this on TV. Which is why this year, the Cheese Fry bought the DVD.
2. But we freely admit that part of the appeal lies in wistful nostalgia and remembering the first time we saw the show (probably on CBS) as a student at F.P. Caillet Elementary and feeling a strong affinity for the characters, who - at the time - were our peers.
3. Vince Guaraldi is a genius. But you already knew that, right?
4. We knew Lucy had a problem with Charlie Brown, but it's clear that minor character Violet harbors the most ill will. She's the one who utters the classic line "Oh no, we're doomed" when she finds out Charlie Brown is going to direct their Christmas play.
5. The funniest bit: Snoopy mocking Lucy as she's giving orders to everyone.
6. "All I want is what I have coming to me. All I want is my fair share." Clever encapsulation by Sally Brown of everything that's "wrong" with the holiday season.
7. The show just isn't the same without all of the Dolly Madison commercials, the sponsor of the show back in the late 1970s. Whatever happened to the Zinger Zapper?
8. Weird that Peppermint Patty doesn't appear in the show. But she always was our least favorite Peanuts character. Abrasive. Annoying.
9. The bit where the gang dance to Snoopy and Pig Pen (who knew he could play the string bass?) and Schroeder's music is certainly memorable. The kids are all looped in a very cheap and crude sort of way, doing the same thing over and over again, but the dance moves are so charming. You have the twin girls in purple slinging their heads back and forth, the other boy doing the shoulder roll. Cute.
10. Love the gag where Linus Van Pelt and Charlie Brown rap their knuckles against an aluminum tree and hear it clang.
11. Thanks to Charles Schultz for making "good grief" such a useful multi-purpose exclamation.
12. If you don't feel a little fuzzy warmth in your heart when the show ends with the kids all shouting "Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!" and then singing "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing," then you may not have a heart.
10.31.2009
The missing "Knee-jerks"
Were it not for the demands of caring for the littlest Cheese Fry, born June 17, we would have likely provided invaluable "Knee-Jerk Reviews" for the following films. We regret these omissions.
(500) Days of Summer
Black Dynamite
Black Dynamite
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Couples Retreat
The Hangover
The Informant!
Moon
Paranormal Activity
The Proposal
The Time Traveler's Wife
Up
Where the Wild Things Are
Whip It
Zombieland
We can only assume some of these are really good, some not so good. But that's why God made Netflix.
As is, we've been able to review just two movies post-June 17: District 9 and Inglorious Basterds.
Our 300th post
The Cheese Fry has been live in (on?) the blogosphere since May of 2005. This is our 300th post for those of you out there who are counting. Such a momentous milestone deserves an important post, a reflective post.
We're often asked, "Why not post more personal entries about friends and family?" Sadly, that is not what The Cheese Fry is about. So what makes the cut for The Cheese Fry? What's the prototypical post?
There are three guidelines, all of which have evolved over the years. When we started the blog, we weren't sure how we would fill two posts, let alone 300. Luckily, like any good creative endeavor, The Cheese Fry has assumed a personality of its own. We're just following its lead.
The guidelines, as of now...
1. A post must deal with popular culture. Usually, this will involve movies, television, and music. But anything is fair game.
2. If not #1, then a post must offer some sort of tidbit, rant, or insight into the world around us.
3. If #1 and #2 can take the form of a numbered or bullet-pointed list, so much the better.
4. Nostalgic, 1980s-1990s reminiscence will be added as often as possible.
And now back to the blog.
10.19.2009
AFI 100's 26 that we never saw
In 1998, the American Film Institute - in an attempt to make itself more relevant by giving morning talk shows something to talk about between serious stories and to create a new source of revenue by creating glitzy TV specials - created its top 100 American films of all time.
Below are the 26 top 100 films the Cheese Fry never saw. In some cases, we're quite embarrassed (every snobbish cineaste, I know, has to see Lawrence of Arabia). In other cases, we're quite proud of our avoidance (who the hell wants to see Doctor Zhivago? and is it really one of the top 100?).
Lawrence of Arabia
The Bridge on the River Kwai
The Grapes of Wrath
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
Treasure of Sierra Madre
The Best Years of Our Lives
Doctor Zhivago
West Side Story
The Birth of a Nation
From Here to Eternity
Rebel without a Cause
Stagecoach
An American in Paris
Wuthering Heights
Dances with Wolves
The Wild Bunch
Giant
Duck Soup
Mutiny on the Bounty
Easy Rider
Patton
The Jazz Singer
A Place in the Sun
The Searchers
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Yankee Doodle Dandy
Below are the 26 top 100 films the Cheese Fry never saw. In some cases, we're quite embarrassed (every snobbish cineaste, I know, has to see Lawrence of Arabia). In other cases, we're quite proud of our avoidance (who the hell wants to see Doctor Zhivago? and is it really one of the top 100?).
Lawrence of Arabia
The Bridge on the River Kwai
The Grapes of Wrath
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
Treasure of Sierra Madre
The Best Years of Our Lives
Doctor Zhivago
West Side Story
The Birth of a Nation
From Here to Eternity
Rebel without a Cause
Stagecoach
An American in Paris
Wuthering Heights
Dances with Wolves
The Wild Bunch
Giant
Duck Soup
Mutiny on the Bounty
Easy Rider
Patton
The Jazz Singer
A Place in the Sun
The Searchers
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner
Yankee Doodle Dandy
Top five months of the year
1. November - Our favorite holiday is Thanksgiving since it combines our two favorite activities: eating copious amounts of starchy foods and watching football.
2. December - For obvious reasons.
3. October - The first crisp, chilly day of fall.
4. July - Summer's in full swing. Barbecues, baseball, big noisy popcorn movies.
5. May - Memorial Day, the gateway holiday ushering in another summer. Had a 10-year-old Cheese Fry written this list, May would probably clock in at number 2, right behind December. For obvious reasons.
2. December - For obvious reasons.
3. October - The first crisp, chilly day of fall.
4. July - Summer's in full swing. Barbecues, baseball, big noisy popcorn movies.
5. May - Memorial Day, the gateway holiday ushering in another summer. Had a 10-year-old Cheese Fry written this list, May would probably clock in at number 2, right behind December. For obvious reasons.
10.09.2009
"Pistons popping, ain't no stoppin' now..."
The Cheese Fry has again embraced his inner 20-year-old with the acquisition of Guitar Hero 5. But better than that is the bonus included with that purchase: an advance copy of the upcoming Guitar Hero Van Halen.
Van Halen contributed important songs to our middle-school and high-school soundtrack. And because we were getting into music (1984 was one of the first three cassette tapes we bought at the Bachman Lake branch of the dearly departed Sound Warehouse chain - the other two: The Police's Synchronicity and Huey Lewis and the News' Sports) right as the band transitioned from David Lee Roth to Sammy Hagar, the Cheese Fry is unafraid to embrace the "Van Hagar" era.
Anticipating Guitar Hero Van Halen made us reminisce through the Van Halen catalog and do what we do best: make a list.
The best Van Halen songs are as follows:
1. "Hot for Teacher" (from 1984) - The intro's machine gun-drums and scorching guitar arpeggio would probably be enough for the top seed, but then you add in the lyric's taboo subject matter and overall raw vibe of good times gone very very good. When you're a seventh grader seeing the video on MTV for the first time, there's no doubt that this is most bad-ass song ever made.
2. "Panama" (1984) - The lyrics make no sense, but this is rock (would you call Van Halen heavy metal? we think not, but let's call it a photo-finish) at its most bare bones: crashing drums, grinding guitars, guttural vocals packed with double entendres. The prototypical Roth-era Van Halen song.
3. "Finish What Ya Started" (OU812) - A funky, twangy, jangling song in some kind of exotic time signature and with lots of sharp, clean vocal harmonies. It defies easy description. Which makes it very, very memorable.
4. "Dance the Night Away" (Van Halen II) - The kind of upbeat pop you'd expect from the Hagar years, but here it is on the band's second album. Probably the band's most catchy chorus, again with those backing chorus melodies. Take a chance, you're old enough to dance... the night away.
5. "Why Can't This Be Love" (5150) - Significant because it was the first single off the band's 5150 album, its first with Hagar replacing Roth. Because the song didn't suck, fans could more or less relax, or last least begin in earnest the debate as to which incarnation was better - the hard-rocking Roth band or more pop-radio friendly Hagar band. (Lest anyone forget, though, the band is called Van Halen. It was always Eddie's band and nothing happened without his okay.) And now music history class is over.
6. "Love Walks In" (5150) - Another synthesizer-meets-electric guitar top-40 groove that David Lee Roth would have hated. A freshman year favorite of ours, thanks perhaps to how its sentimental, optimistic vibe so perfectly meshed with the young Cheese Fry's homornal longings and ineffectual social skills. Love comes walking in and all of that stuff.
7. "Runnin' with the Devil" (Van Halen) - The first song off their first album, definitively setting the stage what with all the Roth howls and slow-and-steady grinding Eddie guitar riffs. When you're 12, it's the epitome of edgy rebellion to listen to a song with the word "devil" in it.
8. "Summer Nights" (5150) - We didn't think we liked the 5150 album all that much, but here's a third song. Go figure. More fuzzy guitars, more sing-song melodies, this one a blue-collar celebration of doing nothing in the summertime.
9. "Cabo Wabo" (OU812) - A sun-soaked ode to Mexican fun, this is the perfect embodiment of Hagar's laid-back, what-me-worry outlook. If Jimmy Buffet wrote songs for Van Halen, this is what it would sound like.
10. "Beautiful Girls" (Van Halen II) - Here I am, ain't no man of the world. All I need is a beautiful girl. Amen.
You'll note "Jump" appears nowhere on this list. That's because it's overplayed and, frankly, completely overrated.
Van Halen contributed important songs to our middle-school and high-school soundtrack. And because we were getting into music (1984 was one of the first three cassette tapes we bought at the Bachman Lake branch of the dearly departed Sound Warehouse chain - the other two: The Police's Synchronicity and Huey Lewis and the News' Sports) right as the band transitioned from David Lee Roth to Sammy Hagar, the Cheese Fry is unafraid to embrace the "Van Hagar" era.
Anticipating Guitar Hero Van Halen made us reminisce through the Van Halen catalog and do what we do best: make a list.
The best Van Halen songs are as follows:
1. "Hot for Teacher" (from 1984) - The intro's machine gun-drums and scorching guitar arpeggio would probably be enough for the top seed, but then you add in the lyric's taboo subject matter and overall raw vibe of good times gone very very good. When you're a seventh grader seeing the video on MTV for the first time, there's no doubt that this is most bad-ass song ever made.
2. "Panama" (1984) - The lyrics make no sense, but this is rock (would you call Van Halen heavy metal? we think not, but let's call it a photo-finish) at its most bare bones: crashing drums, grinding guitars, guttural vocals packed with double entendres. The prototypical Roth-era Van Halen song.
3. "Finish What Ya Started" (OU812) - A funky, twangy, jangling song in some kind of exotic time signature and with lots of sharp, clean vocal harmonies. It defies easy description. Which makes it very, very memorable.
4. "Dance the Night Away" (Van Halen II) - The kind of upbeat pop you'd expect from the Hagar years, but here it is on the band's second album. Probably the band's most catchy chorus, again with those backing chorus melodies. Take a chance, you're old enough to dance... the night away.
5. "Why Can't This Be Love" (5150) - Significant because it was the first single off the band's 5150 album, its first with Hagar replacing Roth. Because the song didn't suck, fans could more or less relax, or last least begin in earnest the debate as to which incarnation was better - the hard-rocking Roth band or more pop-radio friendly Hagar band. (Lest anyone forget, though, the band is called Van Halen. It was always Eddie's band and nothing happened without his okay.) And now music history class is over.
6. "Love Walks In" (5150) - Another synthesizer-meets-electric guitar top-40 groove that David Lee Roth would have hated. A freshman year favorite of ours, thanks perhaps to how its sentimental, optimistic vibe so perfectly meshed with the young Cheese Fry's homornal longings and ineffectual social skills. Love comes walking in and all of that stuff.
7. "Runnin' with the Devil" (Van Halen) - The first song off their first album, definitively setting the stage what with all the Roth howls and slow-and-steady grinding Eddie guitar riffs. When you're 12, it's the epitome of edgy rebellion to listen to a song with the word "devil" in it.
8. "Summer Nights" (5150) - We didn't think we liked the 5150 album all that much, but here's a third song. Go figure. More fuzzy guitars, more sing-song melodies, this one a blue-collar celebration of doing nothing in the summertime.
9. "Cabo Wabo" (OU812) - A sun-soaked ode to Mexican fun, this is the perfect embodiment of Hagar's laid-back, what-me-worry outlook. If Jimmy Buffet wrote songs for Van Halen, this is what it would sound like.
10. "Beautiful Girls" (Van Halen II) - Here I am, ain't no man of the world. All I need is a beautiful girl. Amen.
You'll note "Jump" appears nowhere on this list. That's because it's overplayed and, frankly, completely overrated.
10.07.2009
The ten worst neighbors
1. The horrible, awful people across the street with the yipping, barking, utterly useless dog. If we had the technology to kill that dog without worry of being caught, we would do so. There is no purpose for its existence as far as we can tell.
2. The weird hippie woman downstairs who hosted numerous mysterious roommates, including a teenaged girl who liked to play her keyboard loud in the middle of the night. The same six chords over and over and over.
3. The chatterbox old man who was perfectly nice and harmless, but who enjoyed cornering you by your car to carry on a 30 minute conversation.
4. The Russians who like to argue with their windows open. Is it better that we can't understand what they're saying?
5. The girl next door who always parked her stupid Volkswagen so close to the gate that we could barely squeeze through. Those times we accidentally scuffed and scratched your paintjob trying to slither past with arms full of laundry or groceries? Don't care.
6. The oh-so-hip twentysomethings who seemed to all have apartments behind our building and liked to have loud parties until 3am on the weekends that featured angry, drunken arguments on their balconies about ex-boyfriends or current girlfriends or some such crap. Yes, it is better when you can't understand them.
7. The creepy tattooed Goth couple who liked to have sex with their window open. We're not making this up.
8. The girl upstairs who refused to loan us 50 cents to call our roommate when we got locked out, even though she was surrounded by stacks and stacks of quarters. But, as she put it, "that's for my laundry." How could we argue with that?
9. The guy upstairs who peed so loud you could hear it through the ceiling.
10. The couple across the courtyard with the crying baby. Yes, we see the irony.
Essential ingredients for "COPS"
It's hard to imagine a world without "COPS," the addictive, ubiquitous half-hour show filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement that not only helped usher in the current reality-show craze but also helped launch the Fox television network way back in 1989. The show recently began its 22nd season, suggesting that the show's novelty (or that of the "Bad Boys" theme song) has yet to wear off.
What makes this show so captivating? Why are we always so eager to watch it?
Is it that undeniable sense of superiority we get from looking down our nose at the often illiterate, poorly-dressed knuckleheads who have to explain themselves to the police? Is it the red-state conservative in us that craves swift and certain justice, that assumes that these folks are surely guilty (even though they've been in police custody for a matter of minutes) and will soon get what they have coming, extenuating circumstances be damned? Is it an armchair law enforcement curiosity factor at work, an interest in seeing the "everyday" experiences of uniform cops which is so far removed from the fictional blood-soaked thrills of the "CSI" and "Law and Order" franchises? Or does the show serve a purely instructional purpose, a vivid what-would-I-do lesson in how best to handle (or to not handle) unexpected situations like traffic stops or domestic violence?
Nah, it's probably just the car chases and fistfights.
Most episodes of "COPS" have several of the following elements. The very best episodes have all of them.
* "That's not mine, officer."
* A bumpy through-the-windshield shot of a fleeing car, accompanied by the sound of the police car's revving engine. Bonus points for the police car's headlights slicing through clouds of dust.
* A suspect without a shirt, preferably revealing bad tattoos.
* A suspect without a tooth.
* "I only had two beers."
* A grotesque prostitute, paired with a surprisingly normal-looking john. Ew.
* Even better, the normal-looking john coming up with all kinds of implausible reasons why he has a grotesque prostitute in his car.
* "Why did you run?"
* The boss sergeant who shows up after the situation's fully under control, who then proceeds to stand there impassively while the patrol cops explain everything that's happened.
* "What'd I do?" asked by a suspect after he just ran for six blocks from the police.
* A scraggly woman with more kids than she can handle.
* A suspect who says he doesn't have anything in the car, but who - in fact - does indeed some something in the car.
* Little baggies of drugs. Where do they get those tiny little baggies?
* A cop behind the wheel, typically at the top of the episode, giving us a quick little summary of either A) why he's in law enforcement, B) what a great community it is he lives in, or C) how much he enjoys his job.
* A domestic violence situation, with each person involved insisting that it's the other one who started it, the other one who should go to jail, the other one who won't stay away. Extra credit if one of them is bloodied somehow.
* Relatives of the suspect gathering around to yell at the police and defend the suspect, inevitably followed by some variation of "Get back or you're going to jail too!"
* A suspect who can't seem to follow directions that require he simply sit still on the curb.
* A drunk and/or crazy suspect kicking and/or head-butting the window of a patrol car's back seat.
* The tell-tale used crack pipe.
* Two or more cops analyzing their brief moment of excitement and adrenaline in apprehending the suspect as if discussing a touchdown in flag football.
* A broken tail light.
* "Get down on the ground now!"
* Bleeped profanity.
* One last catchy, pithy line from a victorious cop as we dissolve to the blue and red flashing "COPS" logo. It has to be a clever phrase that sums it all up, something along the lines of "Too bad tonight he's going to jail" or "This is just another day on the job" or "That's one more bad guy off the street."
9.21.2009
Top 10 "I Love Lucy" episodes
We're always amazed by how well this 1950s sitcom continues to hold up. Then again, this show practically invented the format. Time has been quite kind to Ricardos and the Mertzes, thanks perhaps to the fact that almost every episode was written by the same three people: Madelyn Pugh Davis, Bob Carroll Jr,. and Jess Oppenheimer. Geniuses all.
1. The one with Vitameetavegamin. "Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular?" ("Lucy Does a TV Commercial")
2. The one where Lucy and Ethel tear down and then rebuild Ricky's barbecue. "If I'd have know this is what friends are for, I'd have signed up as an enemy." ("Building a Barbecue")
3. The one where Lucy keeps stopping the train. "Did you pull that cord?" ("The Great Train Robbery")
4. The one with the wax tulips and the runaway lawn mower. ("Lucy Raises Tulips")
5. The one where the boys dance with the hot young girl at the country club. ("Country Club Dance")
6. The one where Lucy gets stuck in the freezer. ("The Freezer")
7. The one where Lucy meets with a Hollywood studio head and pretends to be Ricky's agent.
"Released?" "Released." ("Ricky Needs an Agent")
8. The one where Lucy switches all of the clocks in the apartment so she won't be late, but then they're late for an important event anyway. ("Lucy's Schedule")
9. The one at the chocolate factory. "Speed it up, boys!" ("Job Switching")
10. The one where the Ricardos sells the Mertzes their washing machine. "Look what happened to your washing machine." ("Never Do Business with Friends")
1. The one with Vitameetavegamin. "Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular?" ("Lucy Does a TV Commercial")
2. The one where Lucy and Ethel tear down and then rebuild Ricky's barbecue. "If I'd have know this is what friends are for, I'd have signed up as an enemy." ("Building a Barbecue")
3. The one where Lucy keeps stopping the train. "Did you pull that cord?" ("The Great Train Robbery")
4. The one with the wax tulips and the runaway lawn mower. ("Lucy Raises Tulips")
5. The one where the boys dance with the hot young girl at the country club. ("Country Club Dance")
6. The one where Lucy gets stuck in the freezer. ("The Freezer")
7. The one where Lucy meets with a Hollywood studio head and pretends to be Ricky's agent.
"Released?" "Released." ("Ricky Needs an Agent")
8. The one where Lucy switches all of the clocks in the apartment so she won't be late, but then they're late for an important event anyway. ("Lucy's Schedule")
9. The one at the chocolate factory. "Speed it up, boys!" ("Job Switching")
10. The one where the Ricardos sells the Mertzes their washing machine. "Look what happened to your washing machine." ("Never Do Business with Friends")
Six football plays that sound dirty
1. Wishbone Option
2. Skinny Post
3. Double Reverse
4. Buttonhook
5. Naked Bootleg
6. Stop and Go
2. Skinny Post
3. Double Reverse
4. Buttonhook
5. Naked Bootleg
6. Stop and Go
Favorite beer evolution
Miller Genuine Draft (a.k.a. "MGD"), 1991-1998
Guinness, 1998
Rolling Rock, 1998-2002
Newcastle Brown Ale, 2002-present
Guinness, 1998
Rolling Rock, 1998-2002
Newcastle Brown Ale, 2002-present
9.16.2009
On Stephen King
Stephen King paperbacks were a staple of the Cheese Fry's bookshelf during his high school and college years. They filled one entire shelf, arranged neatly in order of publication (of course), spines crinkled and worn with use.
We've lost touch with Mr. King since the early 1990s (though we are faithful readers of his Entertainment Weekly columns), but much of his work has stuck with us. No one is better at mixing everyday pop culture ordinariness with scary, out-of-the-ordinary thrills and chills. But there's more to it than just cool scary stories.
King may be a best-selling populist author, but he's ambitious, long-winded, and literary in ways that the Stephanie Meyers and Dan Browns of the world never will be. His books aren't always high-concept. It's not just about the hook. His many books and short stories (he's nothing if not prolific) can be sprawling and messy. He's really trying to understand who we are and why we do what we do. He'll try anything once, it seems, always trying to stretch himself as a writer. So not everything is a home run. He often has trouble with his endings. With set-ups so outrageous, there are sometimes no easy resolution that plausibly allows the hero to save the day. And we do stipulate that some of his books are just plain awful (don't ever, ever read The Tommyknockers). This odd inconsistency makes him seem all the more mortal and fallible. He's not perfect. He's just very, very good at what he does.
Here are the best:
1. The Shining - Probably the scariest book we've ever read.
2. Firestarter - For those of us who love an evil-government-conspiracy-thriller, this is a classic.
3. Pet Sematary - This one goes to some very dark, very depressing places. Not exactly entertaining, but certainly memorable.
4. The Green Mile - One of King's fastest-paced, most spry novels.
5. The Stand - Even though it's an epic story, the book is probably too long. But it's one of the best post-apocalyptic stories where the end of the world prefaces a literal clash of Good versus Evil.
6. The Dead Zone - King's most high-concept book: what would you do if you had the chance to kill Hitler before he rose to power?
7. Cell - King's take on zombies. The Cheese Fry loves zombies. Ergo we loved this book.
8. On Writing - King's detailed, fascinating rumination on the struggles and challenges of being a writer. Essential reading for would-be writers.
We've lost touch with Mr. King since the early 1990s (though we are faithful readers of his Entertainment Weekly columns), but much of his work has stuck with us. No one is better at mixing everyday pop culture ordinariness with scary, out-of-the-ordinary thrills and chills. But there's more to it than just cool scary stories.
King may be a best-selling populist author, but he's ambitious, long-winded, and literary in ways that the Stephanie Meyers and Dan Browns of the world never will be. His books aren't always high-concept. It's not just about the hook. His many books and short stories (he's nothing if not prolific) can be sprawling and messy. He's really trying to understand who we are and why we do what we do. He'll try anything once, it seems, always trying to stretch himself as a writer. So not everything is a home run. He often has trouble with his endings. With set-ups so outrageous, there are sometimes no easy resolution that plausibly allows the hero to save the day. And we do stipulate that some of his books are just plain awful (don't ever, ever read The Tommyknockers). This odd inconsistency makes him seem all the more mortal and fallible. He's not perfect. He's just very, very good at what he does.
Here are the best:
1. The Shining - Probably the scariest book we've ever read.
2. Firestarter - For those of us who love an evil-government-conspiracy-thriller, this is a classic.
3. Pet Sematary - This one goes to some very dark, very depressing places. Not exactly entertaining, but certainly memorable.
4. The Green Mile - One of King's fastest-paced, most spry novels.
5. The Stand - Even though it's an epic story, the book is probably too long. But it's one of the best post-apocalyptic stories where the end of the world prefaces a literal clash of Good versus Evil.
6. The Dead Zone - King's most high-concept book: what would you do if you had the chance to kill Hitler before he rose to power?
7. Cell - King's take on zombies. The Cheese Fry loves zombies. Ergo we loved this book.
8. On Writing - King's detailed, fascinating rumination on the struggles and challenges of being a writer. Essential reading for would-be writers.
Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger...
Here at the Cheese Fry, we're somewhat low-class. We'll occasionally enjoy a fine steak and $20 piece of sushi, sure. But sometimes nothing beats a messy fast food cheeseburger to clog your arteries and stretch your waistline.
The best places to go, in order:
1. Fatburger (Southern California)
2. Sonic
3. Whataburger (Texas)
4. Carls Jr. (Southern California)
5. In N Out Burger (Southern California)
6. Dairy Queen
6. Dairy Queen
7. Burger King
8. Wendy's
You'll note McDonalds didn't make the cut. That's because their food is gross. And no, the irony is not lost on us.
8.29.2009
There can't just be seven, can there?
Wired this month offers another of their cool little info-graphics, this one attempting to chart the prevalence of the seven deadly sins in the United States. Funny how the conservative, God-fearing southeast seems so disproportionally sinful.
8.26.2009
Knee-jerk review: "Inglorious Basterds"
1. Audacious.
2. We're not sure, but this may be something of a minor masterpiece. Pulp Fiction remains the gold standard for QT, of course. But this could be a close second. In case you're wondering, Kill Bill loses points because Volume 2 isn't as sleek and steely as Volume 1.
3. Some critics have called Brad Pitt's performance as a hillbilly solider lazy or one-note. We don't understand these people. He's great.
4. There really aren't many writers out there who can write dialogue like Tarantino. It seems so easy, doesn't it? Trust us, it ain't.
5. It would be easy to dismiss the whole thing as pop culture regurgitation, a self-conscious blending of cheesy B-movie genres. That all may be true, but this is also a movie with layers and subtext. Complex questions about cinema, about war, about language, about nationalism, about racism.
6. Christoph Waltz? Genius. Look for him as a Best Actor nominee. He walks away with the whole movie. And he knows it.
7. We probably could have done without the Mike Myers cameo.
8. Who knew that Germans gestured numbers with their hands differently than Americans and Brits?
9. The baseball bat scene is incredibly brutal. We had to close our eyes a little. Worse than the ear cutting scene in Reservoir Dogs by about a factor of 20.
10. There are pregnant pauses in movies. And then... there are... Tarantino's... pregnant... pauses. We appreciate the ratcheting up of tension as Wait for Something Bad to Happen, but sometimes he can takes things too far.
11. Poor Max's father.
12. "And I want my scalps."
13. Melanie Laurent, where have you been all this time?
14. The ending has to be seen to be believed. And even then you may not believe it.
15. Good stuff.
2. We're not sure, but this may be something of a minor masterpiece. Pulp Fiction remains the gold standard for QT, of course. But this could be a close second. In case you're wondering, Kill Bill loses points because Volume 2 isn't as sleek and steely as Volume 1.
3. Some critics have called Brad Pitt's performance as a hillbilly solider lazy or one-note. We don't understand these people. He's great.
4. There really aren't many writers out there who can write dialogue like Tarantino. It seems so easy, doesn't it? Trust us, it ain't.
5. It would be easy to dismiss the whole thing as pop culture regurgitation, a self-conscious blending of cheesy B-movie genres. That all may be true, but this is also a movie with layers and subtext. Complex questions about cinema, about war, about language, about nationalism, about racism.
6. Christoph Waltz? Genius. Look for him as a Best Actor nominee. He walks away with the whole movie. And he knows it.
7. We probably could have done without the Mike Myers cameo.
8. Who knew that Germans gestured numbers with their hands differently than Americans and Brits?
9. The baseball bat scene is incredibly brutal. We had to close our eyes a little. Worse than the ear cutting scene in Reservoir Dogs by about a factor of 20.
10. There are pregnant pauses in movies. And then... there are... Tarantino's... pregnant... pauses. We appreciate the ratcheting up of tension as Wait for Something Bad to Happen, but sometimes he can takes things too far.
11. Poor Max's father.
12. "And I want my scalps."
13. Melanie Laurent, where have you been all this time?
14. The ending has to be seen to be believed. And even then you may not believe it.
15. Good stuff.
8.23.2009
Knee-jerk review: "District 9"
1. Believe the hype.
2. It's very satisfying to see the Hollywood establishment collectively freak out when a movie with no stars and a relatively small budget opens at number one with a $37 million gross. "Does not computer." But a strong story can trump any presumed liability. Most importantly, a great concept executed well makes it easier for the marketing departments to get the word out.
3. There is a big twist halfway through. If you can, see the movie without learning what it is. We had an idea of it and the moment wasn't as strong as it could have been had we gone in blind.
4. The TV spots sold hard the social satire element of the movie - alien xenophobia equals human racism. But the film is much more than that.
5. Since it involves Peter Jackson, you should expect a fair amount of blood-and-guts action. People don't just get shot. They're blown to bits.
6. The bad guys are, to us, a little bit over-the-top. They practically twirl mustaches. But maybe that's okay.
7. It is surely no accident that the bad guys' company - a Blackwater-styled outfit named MNU - shares the same initials as the UN. They even drive the same white armored vehicles.
8. The ending is ambiguous and rather heartbreaking. Just the way we like it.
9. One of the best movies of the year.
2. It's very satisfying to see the Hollywood establishment collectively freak out when a movie with no stars and a relatively small budget opens at number one with a $37 million gross. "Does not computer." But a strong story can trump any presumed liability. Most importantly, a great concept executed well makes it easier for the marketing departments to get the word out.
3. There is a big twist halfway through. If you can, see the movie without learning what it is. We had an idea of it and the moment wasn't as strong as it could have been had we gone in blind.
4. The TV spots sold hard the social satire element of the movie - alien xenophobia equals human racism. But the film is much more than that.
5. Since it involves Peter Jackson, you should expect a fair amount of blood-and-guts action. People don't just get shot. They're blown to bits.
6. The bad guys are, to us, a little bit over-the-top. They practically twirl mustaches. But maybe that's okay.
7. It is surely no accident that the bad guys' company - a Blackwater-styled outfit named MNU - shares the same initials as the UN. They even drive the same white armored vehicles.
8. The ending is ambiguous and rather heartbreaking. Just the way we like it.
9. One of the best movies of the year.
The Most Interesting Post in the World
Sometimes, television advertising can be more entertaining and well-made than the show you're watching. Case in point is the hilariously deadpan Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World" campaign.
It's not just the concept - you should drink Dos Equis because the world's most manly man "prefers" it. It's also the execution. Funny one-liners matched with oddball mockumentary footage of the Most Interesting Man in the World in all sorts of ruggedly worldly adventures: playing jai-alai, rescuing a fox from hunters, arm wresting a banana republic dictator (in black and white archival footage), leading a vote at the UN, splashing down in an Apollo space capsule, playing a back alley game of craps with what appear to be Pacific Islanders.
Seth Stevenson at Slate took an in-depth look at the spots.
Below are our ten favorite one-liners describing the Most Interesting Man in the World.
1. His blood smells like cologne.
2. He has never lost a sock.
3. If he disagrees with you, it's because you are wrong.
4. He can speak French in Russian.
5. He lives vicariously through himself.
6. Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number.
7. He once had an awkward moment... just to see how it feels.
8. People hang on his every word... even the prepositions.
9. He'd never initiate a conversation about the weather... even in a typhoon.
10. He won the same lifetime achievement award twice.
It's not just the concept - you should drink Dos Equis because the world's most manly man "prefers" it. It's also the execution. Funny one-liners matched with oddball mockumentary footage of the Most Interesting Man in the World in all sorts of ruggedly worldly adventures: playing jai-alai, rescuing a fox from hunters, arm wresting a banana republic dictator (in black and white archival footage), leading a vote at the UN, splashing down in an Apollo space capsule, playing a back alley game of craps with what appear to be Pacific Islanders.
Seth Stevenson at Slate took an in-depth look at the spots.
Below are our ten favorite one-liners describing the Most Interesting Man in the World.
1. His blood smells like cologne.
2. He has never lost a sock.
3. If he disagrees with you, it's because you are wrong.
4. He can speak French in Russian.
5. He lives vicariously through himself.
6. Even his enemies list him as their emergency contact number.
7. He once had an awkward moment... just to see how it feels.
8. People hang on his every word... even the prepositions.
9. He'd never initiate a conversation about the weather... even in a typhoon.
10. He won the same lifetime achievement award twice.
My mascot can beat up your mascot
In theory, sports mascots are designed to evoke certain elements of ferocity and determination, to energize the fans, to intimidate opponents, to inspire the players. Some work better than others, coasting on tradition rather than reality. Which NFL mascots, in the real world, are the scariest? Which mascot would you not want to bump into at the end of a dark alley?
Our picks, in order from the scariest to the silliest...
1. Titans - We're going with the definition that suggests a "titan" is a omnipotent god. Doesn't get much more formidable than that.
Next come the big animals.
2. Bears
3. Lions
4. Bengals - Funny that our top three match the things Dorothy was most afraid of in The Wizard of Oz.
5. Panthers
6. Jaguars - Jaguars seem fast, but the word "panther" suggests a certain cunning and stealthiness. Edge to Carolina.
Now the scary, presumably angry, and often armed humans.
7. Vikings
8. Raiders - The name suggests their main objective.
9. Buccaneers
10. Patriots
11. Chiefs
12. Redskins - Chiefs are the bosses and presumably smarter. Advantage Kansas City.
13. Cowboys - Not aggressive per se, but usually have a gun and don't back down from a fight. If only Dallas had the same mentality.
Now the smaller animals who might only pose a threat if spooked and charge at you.
14. Rams
15. Bills
16. Broncos - Evoke a snorting wild animal, not a cute and cuddly baby horse. Edge to Denver.
17. Colts
18. Browns - This one's a stretch, but in theory a bulldog could maul you.
And the predatory birds. Surprising how many birds there are.
19. Seahawks - The word "hawk" just sounds aggressive. It's the consonant K.
20. Falcons
21. Eagles
Now the more benign humans.
22. Giants - Being tall doesn't make you scary.
23. Saints - Even holy men can be pushed to the limit. We've seen the movies. And if they're in New Orleans, they're probably drunk and spoiling for a fight.
24. Steelers
25. 49ers
26. Texans - We needed more information on this one. What kind of Texan? From what time period? An Alamo-era Texan or some blue-blood oil millionaire from Houston?
27. Packers - We know how to pack, too. Big whoop.
And the bottom five.
28. Ravens - Isn't a raven essentially a fancy name for a crow?
29. Cardinals - Are they serious with this one? Why not call a team the Sparrows?
30. Dolphins - Obviously.
31. Jets - We're assuming this is a commercial plane and not a fighter. As long as it doesn't crash on top of you, no one's frightened, New York.
32. Chargers - We weren't sure how to address this one. Is it just pure energy? One could argue that this should be number one since electrocution would seem to be a real possibility. But we need more information.
Our picks, in order from the scariest to the silliest...
1. Titans - We're going with the definition that suggests a "titan" is a omnipotent god. Doesn't get much more formidable than that.
Next come the big animals.
2. Bears
3. Lions
4. Bengals - Funny that our top three match the things Dorothy was most afraid of in The Wizard of Oz.
5. Panthers
6. Jaguars - Jaguars seem fast, but the word "panther" suggests a certain cunning and stealthiness. Edge to Carolina.
Now the scary, presumably angry, and often armed humans.
7. Vikings
8. Raiders - The name suggests their main objective.
9. Buccaneers
10. Patriots
11. Chiefs
12. Redskins - Chiefs are the bosses and presumably smarter. Advantage Kansas City.
13. Cowboys - Not aggressive per se, but usually have a gun and don't back down from a fight. If only Dallas had the same mentality.
Now the smaller animals who might only pose a threat if spooked and charge at you.
14. Rams
15. Bills
16. Broncos - Evoke a snorting wild animal, not a cute and cuddly baby horse. Edge to Denver.
17. Colts
18. Browns - This one's a stretch, but in theory a bulldog could maul you.
And the predatory birds. Surprising how many birds there are.
19. Seahawks - The word "hawk" just sounds aggressive. It's the consonant K.
20. Falcons
21. Eagles
Now the more benign humans.
22. Giants - Being tall doesn't make you scary.
23. Saints - Even holy men can be pushed to the limit. We've seen the movies. And if they're in New Orleans, they're probably drunk and spoiling for a fight.
24. Steelers
25. 49ers
26. Texans - We needed more information on this one. What kind of Texan? From what time period? An Alamo-era Texan or some blue-blood oil millionaire from Houston?
27. Packers - We know how to pack, too. Big whoop.
And the bottom five.
28. Ravens - Isn't a raven essentially a fancy name for a crow?
29. Cardinals - Are they serious with this one? Why not call a team the Sparrows?
30. Dolphins - Obviously.
31. Jets - We're assuming this is a commercial plane and not a fighter. As long as it doesn't crash on top of you, no one's frightened, New York.
32. Chargers - We weren't sure how to address this one. Is it just pure energy? One could argue that this should be number one since electrocution would seem to be a real possibility. But we need more information.
8.02.2009
Cassette tape rewind: senior summer
The Cheese Fry was on top of the world back in July 1989. Working the concession counters at the state-of-the-art UA Park Lane movie theater (now torn down), developing an award-winning proficiency with a large plastic mascot head, rolling in a 1979 sky blue Ford Granada (a sleek silver model is pictured below), eating his weight in chicken strips and french fries, anticipating a great high school senior year.
The top ten songs from July 29, 1989:
1. Martika "Toy Soldiers" - Great time-capsule song, layered synthesizers and drum machines that instantly evokes the late 80s. Still worth listening to. "Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall down..."
2. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince "Batdance" - Lame then, lame now.
3. Madonna "Express Yourself" - Solid middle-of-the-road Madonna, neither as catchy as "Into the Groove" or "Open Your Heart" or nor as annoying as "Who's That Girl" or "La Isla Bonita."
4. Love and Rockets "So Alive" - Best one on this list, part of that trendy late 80s/early 90s "alternative" wave of gritty pop music. You're not still listening to KISS-FM, are you? You have to be listening to 94.5 the Edge! Great song.
5. Bobby Brown "On Our Own" - Guilty pleasure song from a guilty pleasure movie (Ghostbusters II). Yeah, we sang along when it came on the radio. So what? They're Ghostbusters and they're in control.
6. Simply Red "If You Don't Know Me By Now" - We know we're all supposed to like this bluesy, jazzy song. It's oh so very artistic. But honestly, it's too slow, too repetitive, goes on way too long, and the lead singer is kind of freaky looking.
7. Bon Jovi "Lay Your Hands on Me" - Whatever.
8. Great White "Once Bitten Twice Shy" - Part of that hair band craze of the late 1980s. At least this song rocks a little. How hilarious is it that all of those cheesy metal bands (Cinderella, Warrant, White Lion, et al) only had radio hits with sappy, ponderous love ballads?
9. Dino "I Like It" - We don't remember it, either.
10. Richard Marx "Right Here Waiting" - You'll get a cavity listening to this one, a schmaltzy, melodramatic ode to love and longing. So romantic, so reassuring especially for fickle hormone-fueled teenagers. High school proms all across the country put this one on heavy rotation, including Thomas Jefferson HS.
1. Martika "Toy Soldiers" - Great time-capsule song, layered synthesizers and drum machines that instantly evokes the late 80s. Still worth listening to. "Step by step, heart to heart, left right left, we all fall down..."
2. The Artist Formerly Known as Prince "Batdance" - Lame then, lame now.
3. Madonna "Express Yourself" - Solid middle-of-the-road Madonna, neither as catchy as "Into the Groove" or "Open Your Heart" or nor as annoying as "Who's That Girl" or "La Isla Bonita."
4. Love and Rockets "So Alive" - Best one on this list, part of that trendy late 80s/early 90s "alternative" wave of gritty pop music. You're not still listening to KISS-FM, are you? You have to be listening to 94.5 the Edge! Great song.
5. Bobby Brown "On Our Own" - Guilty pleasure song from a guilty pleasure movie (Ghostbusters II). Yeah, we sang along when it came on the radio. So what? They're Ghostbusters and they're in control.
6. Simply Red "If You Don't Know Me By Now" - We know we're all supposed to like this bluesy, jazzy song. It's oh so very artistic. But honestly, it's too slow, too repetitive, goes on way too long, and the lead singer is kind of freaky looking.
7. Bon Jovi "Lay Your Hands on Me" - Whatever.
8. Great White "Once Bitten Twice Shy" - Part of that hair band craze of the late 1980s. At least this song rocks a little. How hilarious is it that all of those cheesy metal bands (Cinderella, Warrant, White Lion, et al) only had radio hits with sappy, ponderous love ballads?
9. Dino "I Like It" - We don't remember it, either.
10. Richard Marx "Right Here Waiting" - You'll get a cavity listening to this one, a schmaltzy, melodramatic ode to love and longing. So romantic, so reassuring especially for fickle hormone-fueled teenagers. High school proms all across the country put this one on heavy rotation, including Thomas Jefferson HS.
7.25.2009
Knee-jerk review: "The Hurt Locker"
1. Can it be a knee-jerk review if we saw it three weeks ago? Probably not.
2. We don't get the title, either.
3. It's the best movie we've seen so far this year. It's Oscar caliber, no question.
4. Director Kathryn Bigelow still has the goods and we're glad to see her back. Point Break and Strange Days are both way underrated.
5. Thanks for the great cameos, Guy Pearce, David Morse, and Ralph Fiennes.
6. Best sequence: the sniper shootout. Who'll be the first one to zero in from a mile out with 50-caliber rifles.
7. It's not without its familiar cliches, like the officer with no real idea what combat is like. You can guess what happens to him.
8. And truth be told, the whole thing with the fearless soldier who's probably a little crazy and probably a lot addicted to the adrenaline rush of war... that's familiar too. But sometimes meat and potatoes are okay if they're this tasty.
9. Packed full of sweaty suspense. As Roger Ebert noted, usually Hollywood gets a kick out of blowing stuff up (cough-Michael Bay-cough), but here you're desperately hoping nothing does blow up.
10. We remain very dubious of Evangeline Lilly's thespian ability.
11. "If he's not an insurgent, he is now."
12. A star-making turn for Jeremy Renner. Good for him.
13. The first great Iraq war movie. Go see it.
2. We don't get the title, either.
3. It's the best movie we've seen so far this year. It's Oscar caliber, no question.
4. Director Kathryn Bigelow still has the goods and we're glad to see her back. Point Break and Strange Days are both way underrated.
5. Thanks for the great cameos, Guy Pearce, David Morse, and Ralph Fiennes.
6. Best sequence: the sniper shootout. Who'll be the first one to zero in from a mile out with 50-caliber rifles.
7. It's not without its familiar cliches, like the officer with no real idea what combat is like. You can guess what happens to him.
8. And truth be told, the whole thing with the fearless soldier who's probably a little crazy and probably a lot addicted to the adrenaline rush of war... that's familiar too. But sometimes meat and potatoes are okay if they're this tasty.
9. Packed full of sweaty suspense. As Roger Ebert noted, usually Hollywood gets a kick out of blowing stuff up (cough-Michael Bay-cough), but here you're desperately hoping nothing does blow up.
10. We remain very dubious of Evangeline Lilly's thespian ability.
11. "If he's not an insurgent, he is now."
12. A star-making turn for Jeremy Renner. Good for him.
13. The first great Iraq war movie. Go see it.
Essential dialogue for "Hell's Kitchen"
1. "This risotto is the worst I've ever tasted!"
2. "You donkey."
3. "It's raw!"
4. "Jean-Phillipe, please open Hell's Kitchen."
5. "Yes, chef!"
6. "Shut it down!"
7. "Why should you stay in Hell's Kitchen?"
8. "I'm not here to make friends."
9. "An hour into dinner service and the blue team is still struggling with the appetizers, while the red team is already serving the main course."
10. "Who have you selected for elimination and why?"
11. "Where's my sea bass?"
12. [BLEEP]
2. "You donkey."
3. "It's raw!"
4. "Jean-Phillipe, please open Hell's Kitchen."
5. "Yes, chef!"
6. "Shut it down!"
7. "Why should you stay in Hell's Kitchen?"
8. "I'm not here to make friends."
9. "An hour into dinner service and the blue team is still struggling with the appetizers, while the red team is already serving the main course."
10. "Who have you selected for elimination and why?"
11. "Where's my sea bass?"
12. [BLEEP]
The New Rules for Digital Gentleman
Wired magazine next month offers the "New Rules for Highly Evolved Humans," guidelines and rules of thumb for the digital world.
Our favorites, the ones by which we wish all would abide:
1. For marital peace, keep separate Netflix queues.
2. Turn off "Sent from my iPhone" signatures.
3. Ditch the headset.
4. Hunger and fatigue are not interesting status updates.
5. Ignore Facebook polls.
6. Give credit when repeating tweets or blog posts.
7. If you call drops, call back.
8. Provide subjects for all e-mails.
9. Back up your hard drive. Right now.
10. Never bcc anyone.
11. Ask for free tech support only from immediate family or significant others.
12. Avoid looking at other people's screens.
Our favorites, the ones by which we wish all would abide:
1. For marital peace, keep separate Netflix queues.
2. Turn off "Sent from my iPhone" signatures.
3. Ditch the headset.
4. Hunger and fatigue are not interesting status updates.
5. Ignore Facebook polls.
6. Give credit when repeating tweets or blog posts.
7. If you call drops, call back.
8. Provide subjects for all e-mails.
9. Back up your hard drive. Right now.
10. Never bcc anyone.
11. Ask for free tech support only from immediate family or significant others.
12. Avoid looking at other people's screens.
Musings on Michael Jackson
* As the Cheese Fry marinated in unwelcome wall-to-wall 24-hour news coverage of the death, the disposition of the remains, the possible child custody fight, the rehashing of his up-and-down career, and finally the absurd memorial service in a basketball arena, we couldn't help but notice that Jackson has not been relevant to popular music for almost 20 years. What would happen if Beyonce or Bruce Springsteen suddenly dropped dead? Would Larry King have gone on the same sort of self-serving journalistic jihad? Probably not because...
* ...As much as everyone discussed and praised Jackson's "genius" the truth is that we're mostly interested in his death because he's spent the last 20 years as a national punchline, the resident sideshow freak always doing something weird. We're gawking at him even in death.
* The best Jackson song is "Billie Jean." End of story. Followed by "Thriller."
* Joe Jackson is still a complete asshole, near as we can tell.
* Have you ever sobbed over the death of someone you never met? We haven't. These people on TV crying over Jackson's death seemed in worse shape than people who lost their homes in Hurricane Katrina. How out of touch with reality can you get? And when was the last time you think any of them actually listened to a Jackson song?
* True, Jackson was a megastar at a time when the world as a lot smaller. Album sales meant everything. MTV united everyone. But when you see someone in his 20s like Justin Timberlake talking about how important Jackson was to him, it seems odd. The Cheese Fry is pushing 40 and almost was too young to truly experience the impact of the "Thriller" sensation in the early 1980s as it was happening. So how could these younger people be so affected by Jackson? Was he really still a sensation in the 1990s? We don't remember that to be the case. It all just feels like bull.
* Speaking of disingenuous hangers-on, how about all of those singers showing up for some face time on stage at the Jackson memorial service? What was that all about? Usher? Seriously? As acidic Hollywood blogger Nikki Finke so astutely noted, where were all of these "friends" of Jackson when the guy was suffering through all his years of legal and financial trouble? Their support sure could have helped. Guess they decided to publicly declare their love for Jackson only after his weirdness can no longer infect their petty careers.
* The most irritating of all was the "Reverend" Al Sharpton, who never met a camera he didn't like, eulogizing Jackson by claiming nothing was wrong with him. We don't have to trash the guy, but let's not insult the intelligence of, well, the entire planet. Any reasonable person could take one look at Jackson and see that he was tortured to no end by some serious mental problems. The plastic surgery, the bizarro need to be around kids, the pathological introversion. And now we're learning of a serious drug habit.
* Another interesting sociological curlicue in all of this is the inequitable way America treat s drug abuse. Wealthy Hollywood elite get addicted to prescription drugs, pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to fancy retreats that call themselves rehab clinics, and rarely do jail time. The rest of us alcoholics and meth-heads do hard time in real prisons serving mandatory sentences. That seems fair.
* How are these Hollywood doctors who provide unneeded prescription meds to the stars any different than my corner crack dealer?
* It we ran Santa Barbara we would be pushing hard to turn Neverland into the West Coast Graceland. It seems like a no-brainer.
* AEG owned Jackson's tour, AEG owns Staples Center. You trying to tell me that memorial service wasn't a way to somehow make them money? Look soon for the AEG DVD of the memorial service. Already there's reports of how AEG is eagerly looking at ways to turn the rehearsal footage of the tour into a movie or a DVD or something, anything, to make money.
* But don't ask AEG to help foot the $4 million bill that Los Angeles racked up to help provide support for that exploitative memorial service. It's the craziest thing we ever heard, putting on an event and doing nothing to help pay for the city services necessary for that event.
* And then there's the heartbreaking reality of Jackson's kids, embodied by the plaintive goodbye by his daughter Paris at the memorial service. He may have been our sideshow freak, but he was her father. And now he's gone.
* ...As much as everyone discussed and praised Jackson's "genius" the truth is that we're mostly interested in his death because he's spent the last 20 years as a national punchline, the resident sideshow freak always doing something weird. We're gawking at him even in death.
* The best Jackson song is "Billie Jean." End of story. Followed by "Thriller."
* Joe Jackson is still a complete asshole, near as we can tell.
* Have you ever sobbed over the death of someone you never met? We haven't. These people on TV crying over Jackson's death seemed in worse shape than people who lost their homes in Hurricane Katrina. How out of touch with reality can you get? And when was the last time you think any of them actually listened to a Jackson song?
* True, Jackson was a megastar at a time when the world as a lot smaller. Album sales meant everything. MTV united everyone. But when you see someone in his 20s like Justin Timberlake talking about how important Jackson was to him, it seems odd. The Cheese Fry is pushing 40 and almost was too young to truly experience the impact of the "Thriller" sensation in the early 1980s as it was happening. So how could these younger people be so affected by Jackson? Was he really still a sensation in the 1990s? We don't remember that to be the case. It all just feels like bull.
* Speaking of disingenuous hangers-on, how about all of those singers showing up for some face time on stage at the Jackson memorial service? What was that all about? Usher? Seriously? As acidic Hollywood blogger Nikki Finke so astutely noted, where were all of these "friends" of Jackson when the guy was suffering through all his years of legal and financial trouble? Their support sure could have helped. Guess they decided to publicly declare their love for Jackson only after his weirdness can no longer infect their petty careers.
* The most irritating of all was the "Reverend" Al Sharpton, who never met a camera he didn't like, eulogizing Jackson by claiming nothing was wrong with him. We don't have to trash the guy, but let's not insult the intelligence of, well, the entire planet. Any reasonable person could take one look at Jackson and see that he was tortured to no end by some serious mental problems. The plastic surgery, the bizarro need to be around kids, the pathological introversion. And now we're learning of a serious drug habit.
* Another interesting sociological curlicue in all of this is the inequitable way America treat s drug abuse. Wealthy Hollywood elite get addicted to prescription drugs, pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to fancy retreats that call themselves rehab clinics, and rarely do jail time. The rest of us alcoholics and meth-heads do hard time in real prisons serving mandatory sentences. That seems fair.
* How are these Hollywood doctors who provide unneeded prescription meds to the stars any different than my corner crack dealer?
* It we ran Santa Barbara we would be pushing hard to turn Neverland into the West Coast Graceland. It seems like a no-brainer.
* AEG owned Jackson's tour, AEG owns Staples Center. You trying to tell me that memorial service wasn't a way to somehow make them money? Look soon for the AEG DVD of the memorial service. Already there's reports of how AEG is eagerly looking at ways to turn the rehearsal footage of the tour into a movie or a DVD or something, anything, to make money.
* But don't ask AEG to help foot the $4 million bill that Los Angeles racked up to help provide support for that exploitative memorial service. It's the craziest thing we ever heard, putting on an event and doing nothing to help pay for the city services necessary for that event.
* And then there's the heartbreaking reality of Jackson's kids, embodied by the plaintive goodbye by his daughter Paris at the memorial service. He may have been our sideshow freak, but he was her father. And now he's gone.
Top five choreographers: "So You Think You Can Dance"
1. Wade Robson - The resident twisted genius, worthy of the top spot because of his dancing "Ramalama" zombies. A perfect blend of song, costumes, makeup and choreography:
2. Mandy Moore - The show's second best routine: the "Sweet Dreams" job interview.
3. Nakul Dev Mahajan - The Bollywood dude.
4. Napoleon and Tabitha D'umo - The choreographers most resembling an annoyingly good-looking high school power couple: jock and cheerleader. Please see the "Bleeding Love" routine.
5. Mia Michaels - The bipolar choreographer who claims to be the dancers' mothers but who also takes perverse glee in doling our brutally cruel honesty. She likes props: the bench routine, the door routine, the bed routine.
2. Mandy Moore - The show's second best routine: the "Sweet Dreams" job interview.
3. Nakul Dev Mahajan - The Bollywood dude.
4. Napoleon and Tabitha D'umo - The choreographers most resembling an annoyingly good-looking high school power couple: jock and cheerleader. Please see the "Bleeding Love" routine.
5. Mia Michaels - The bipolar choreographer who claims to be the dancers' mothers but who also takes perverse glee in doling our brutally cruel honesty. She likes props: the bench routine, the door routine, the bed routine.
6.30.2009
Knee-jerk review: "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen"
Are you kidding me? No way the Cheese Fry pays good money to see that pile of crap. We can smell it from here. Michael Bay is the enemy of all that is good and just about cinema. Even his "good" movies - Bad Boys, Armageddon, The Rock - are barely watchable, so packed full of unending explosions, testosterone-fueled posturing, and machine-gun editing that makes it utterly impossible to follow the action. Pearl Harbor is about as offensive a movie as you can make, turning a real-life tragedy into popcorn entertainment packed with cool CGI effects. Look, kids, see how cool it is to see the Arizona get sunk! Imagine 9/11 as a Jason Statham action movie. That Michael Bay is a multi-millionaire surrounded by people who think he's a genius is the sort of ridiculous situation that can make your bile boil. But then again, that's showbiz... where talent has little to do with success.
6.28.2009
"Ooooohhh..."
Bill Hader is quickly raising himself to Kristen Wiig standards on "Saturday Night Live." Case in point is the genius sketch below, brilliant because A) who knew that Keith Morrison could be so mercilessly mimicked like this and B) it actually has a beginning, middle, and end on a show full of half-baked sketches consisting of a funny premise and nothing more.
The poor, poor wealthy people
New York magazine earlier this year ran a compelling, if disheartening, look at how the privileged Wall Street elite were "struggling" with the recession and public pillorying of their useless ilk. They just don't get it. Ever think maybe the U.S. could use a French-Revolution style populist uprising? Or did I just get too Noam Chomsky on you?
Live long and be nerdy
ComicMix offers a very detailed "footnote" examination of the new Star Trek movie, including how movie elements fit in (or doesn't) with the established original canon. Just the kind of pathetic obsessive-compulsion we love.
Knee-jerk review: "The Taking of Pelham 123"
1. Denzel Washington and John Travolta are bona fide movie stars. They know what they're doing and are so fun to watch. Everyone else just needs to stay out of their way.
2. Surprisingly not a lot of traditional shoot-em-up action here. Mostly sweaty tension and tough-guy dialogue. In fact, what action is present, especially at the end, feels a little forced.
3. "You may be the last friend I ever make."
4. Solid through and through, but not especially memorable.
5. Love that Denzel's character isn't the angel you expect in a summer popcorn movie hero. Ditto his pudgy mid-section.
6. We wouldn't like a rat crawling up our pants leg either.
7. We're still not convinced whether or not James Gandolfini is a good actor. He always seems to be doing a variation on Tony Soprano.
8. Not sure why director Tony Scott kept using that lame step-frame photography effect. It was more distracting than energizing.
9. In the end, we were hoping for more.
2. Surprisingly not a lot of traditional shoot-em-up action here. Mostly sweaty tension and tough-guy dialogue. In fact, what action is present, especially at the end, feels a little forced.
3. "You may be the last friend I ever make."
4. Solid through and through, but not especially memorable.
5. Love that Denzel's character isn't the angel you expect in a summer popcorn movie hero. Ditto his pudgy mid-section.
6. We wouldn't like a rat crawling up our pants leg either.
7. We're still not convinced whether or not James Gandolfini is a good actor. He always seems to be doing a variation on Tony Soprano.
8. Not sure why director Tony Scott kept using that lame step-frame photography effect. It was more distracting than energizing.
9. In the end, we were hoping for more.
6.04.2009
Tom Selleck was supposed to be Indiana Jones
That's the only meta reason we can figure for this strange, but very amusing mashup of Star Wars and "Magnum P.I."
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