Is the the Grammys' Best New Artist really the best?

To paraphrase Obi-Wan Kenobi, last weekend millions of Justin Bieberites suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced when obscure jazz musician Esperanza Spalding won the Best New Artist Grammy.

Which got us thinking. How accurate are the Grammys when it comes to identifying new talent? Do the voters really know what they're doing? Are they picking artistic merit or commercial popularity? Will hindsight prove to be 20/20?

Let's look at the last 40 awards given out.

1970 winner: Crosby, Stills & Nash

>They're certainly popular and well-regarded, but we couldn't hum one of their songs. They beat out Led Zeppelin and Chicago. Can you imagine that Led Zeppelin was ever considered a "new artist"? When it comes to revolutionizing music, doesn't the vote have to go to them? They practically invented heavy metal/hard blues rock.

1971 winner: The Carpenters

>Seems like a vote for a group that was popular at the time. Toothless and completely white-bread. They beat Elton John, who has surely demonstrated longevity and talent. Also losing to the Carpenters was the Patridge Family (were they ever a real band?) and Anne Murray from Canada.

1972 winner: Carly Simon

>>We have no opinion. She beat Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Bill Withers, and two others we never heard of. Guess 1972 wasn't a banner year for new music development.

1973 winner: America

>>We know we should be able to name at least one America song, but we can't. They beat the Eagles. Seriously, Grammys? The frickin' Eagles? Few bands have been as influential or as popular. So far, we've agreed with none of the Grammy picks. None.

1974 winner: Bette Midler

>>Bette has a certainly style and flair and we can't argue with her beating out Marie Osmond, of all people, for the Grammy. But we have to deduct points because Bette nowadays is considered more of an actress than a singer. The award should have gone to Barry White.

1975 winner: Marvin Hamlisch

>>Didn't know composers could win, but we're big fans of "Nobody Does It Better," so we'll reluctantly agree. He beat out Bad Company and others we never heard of.

1976 winner: Natalie Cole

>>How old was she when she won this? We thought she was a nobody until the 1990s when she did that lame "Unforgettable" duet with her dad. Learn something new every day. She beat out KC and the Sunshine Band and a few others we never heard of. Bottom line: not a very worthy crop of nominees.

1977 winner: Starland Vocal Band

>>Let's see... the fluffy disco group that sang "Afternoon Delight" or power-chord classic-rock staple Boston? Bad pick, Grammys. Maybe the worst so far. Were the voters just trying to prove how hip and relevant they were by going disco?

1978 winner: Debby Boone

>>Now we're waist deep in the empty-headed 1970s. Debby may be the least deserving person on this entire list. She sang "You Light Up My Life." For that, shouldn't she be banned from the music industry altogether? Come on, Grammy voters. She beat out similar vanilla pretty-faces Andy Gibb and Shaun Cassidy. She also beat non-threatening rock band Foreigner.

1979 winner: A Taste of Honey

>>Who or what is a A Taste of Honey? All we can think of is the candy bar Bit of Honey. Whatever they are, they beat big-time artists Elvis Costello, Toto, and The Cars. Said Grammy, "Oops."

1980 winner: Rickie Lee Jones

>>We've heard of her, can picture her plain-jane face, and seem to recall Rolling Stone liking her a lot. She beat out Dire Straits, another band that critics seem like more than us. Also beat The Blues Brothers (file that under "Really?" along with the Patridge Family) and Robin Williams, of all people. Whatever, 1980. No one cares.

1981 winner: Christopher Cross

>>We think he was already something of a joke when he won this award, another silky-smooth singer-songwriter custom-built for dentist's offices across the country. We think the Pretenders should have won. "Back on the Chain Gang" works. "Sailing" does not.

1982 winner: Sheena Easton

>>Another safe pick, it seems. Pretty girl who offends no one. We love "For Your Eyes Only," but no way does Sheena beat out the Go-Gos or Adam and the Ants. She also beat R&B heavy-hitters James Ingram and Luther Vandross. In other words, the least deserving person won. Welcome to show biz!

1983 winner: Men at Work

>>It's hard to argue with the win when the competition were similar 1980s flame-outs Asia, Human League, Jennifer Holliday, and Stray Cats. Then again, we never liked "Down Under." And that lead singer gave us the creeps. You know why.

1984 winner: Culture Club

>>Culture Club probably had more hits, but surely we can all agree that the real talent was fellow nominee Eurhythmics. Also losing: Big Country (we liked "Big Country") and Men without Hats (ditto "Safety Dance"), neither of whom should have been nominated.

1985 winner: Cyndi Lauper

>>We endorse this pick, although the Judds probably wound up with the longer, more important career. But Grammy wasn't yet ready to embrace its inner country yet. Cyndi beat out, no kidding, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Corey Hart, and Sheila E, three acts who all wound up being go-nowhere one-hit wonders. Grammy must not have known that "Relax," "Sunglasses at Night," and "Glamorous Life," respectively, were as good as it was going to get.

1986 winner: Sade

>>She's the sexy pick, for sure. Critics loved her smooth-jazz vibe. Still do. We're okay with this, even if Katrina and the Waves' "Walking on Sunshine" is one of our all-time top 20 songs. Also losing: 1980s where-are-they-now trivia answers a-ha and Julian Lennon.

1987 winner: Bruce Hornsby and the Range

>>Bruce is a talent and was really the only viable option. Other nominees: 1980s top-40 artists Glass Tiger, Nu Shooz (you can't make this stuff up), Timbuk3, and Simply Red.

1988 winner: Jody Watley

>>A tough one. Jody is a dance-pop artifact stuck in 1980s amber and we love her for it. Ditto her fellow nominees Breakfast Club, Cutting Crew, Terence Trent D'Arby, and Swing Out Sister. That list reads like the liner notes for Now! That's What I Call 1988. They're all equally irrelevant now, so you could make the case for any of them to win. You know who we just realized never got nominated? A little band called U2. Nicely done, Grammy.

1989 winner: Tracy Chapman

>>Like Sade, Tracy is a critical darling with a small but loyal fan base, the kind of smug hipster fan base who'd dump her and shout "sell out" if Tracy ever accidentally became actually successful. She beat out Rick Astley, Toni Childs, Vanessa Williams (who's now an actress), and something called Take 6. This win makes sense.

1990 winner: Milli Vanilli

>>We all know how this one turned out. If only Grammy could preserve its dignity and go back in time to give the award to one of the other nominees, a real musical talent, someone like Tone Loc. Seriously, this probably should have gone to Indigo Girls. We think they're still playing at a Lilith Fair somewhere.

1991 winner: Mariah Carey

>>So far, this is the only slam dunk. Grammy got it right. Mariah remains commercially successful. And she's got chops. She beat out Black Crowes, Kentucky Headhunters, Wilson Phillips, and Lisa Stansfield, none of whom are doing much these days unless it's at your local state fair.

1992 winner: Marc Cohn

>>The "Walking in Memphis" dude beat out two bigger talents, Boys II Men and Seal. But he rightfully prevailed over the manufactured sound of C+C Music Factory and the painfully embarrassing Color Me Badd (note the rebellious extra D because they, like, just don't care about your spelling rules, man).

1993 winner: Arrested Development

>>Another of those critically beloved bands with the world-music sound who never made the crossover into mainstream acceptance. We'll take the critics word for it because after the first 30 times of hearing "Mr. Wendell" we started to really really loathe it. We must also give thanks that they beat Billy Ray Cyrus and Kris Kross, neither of whom should ever ever have a Grammy.

1994 winner: Toni Braxton

>>We prefer other nominees Belly and SWV, but that's just us. Toni was a big success and had a fairly long career until she recently went bankrupt, yadda yadda. Whatever, 1994. Yawn.

1995 winner: Sheryl Crow

>>Another slam dunk, though a case could certainly be made for fellow nominee Green Day. Ace of Base and Crash Test Dummies have a special place in our post-college hearts, but they're not Grammy-worthy. Let the record also show that we happily play the contrarian role and proclaim a fierce hatred of Counting Crows.

1996 winner: Hootie and the Blowfish

>>Wrong answer, Grammy. Three women nominated with Hootie were far more deserving: Alanis Morissette, Joan Osborne, and/or Shania Twain. Hootie had a huge record that no one dared admit owning (who then who was buying it?), then rightfully vanished into oblivion.

1997 winner: LeAnn Rimes

>>She was a trendy pick that provided a good storyline - little girl who sings unreleased Patsy Cline song. Her win offended no one. But we would argue a more important, more worthy winner would have been either Garbage or No Doubt.

1998 winner: Paula Cole

>>Now we're in the tail-end of the alternative 1990s, which was chock full of earnest, heartfelt one-hit wonders like Paula ("I Don't Wanna Wait") Cole. She beat out Fiona Apple, who's cut from the same cloth. We don't know much about Erykah Badu, but she still seems relevant and thus might make for the better pick here.

1999 winner: Lauryn Hill

>>As groovy and funky as Miss Hill may be, there's no doubt that from this class of nominees, the monster musical talent is the Dixie Chicks. Big miss, Grammy. Big.

2000 winner: Christina Aguilera

>>We can't find fault with this pick (and it was wise to pick Christina over Britney Spears), though it would have certainly been a nice surprise is fellow nominee Kid Rock would have won. He's dangerous in a way that art should be. Who the heck is Susan Tedeschi?

2001 winner: Shelby Lynne

>>We're big fans of Shelby, but she never really broke out. Which again points to the question: what makes for a "best" artist? Is it artistic accomplishments or commercial success? Discuss amongst yourselves. Shelby's fellow nominees are all rather underwhelming, from frat-rock thugs (Papa Roach) to hip-hop goofs (Sisquo) to country wiseguys (Brad Paisley). Shelby probably deserved it most.

2002 winner: Alicia Keys

>>Another critical darling. Does anyone ever admit to not liking Alicia Keys? We all pretend to love her. A safe, square pick over the likes of Nelly Furtado, David Gray, and Linkin Park (a scary, tattooed band who really should be glad to even be nominated by the stodgy Academy).

2003 winner: Norah Jones

>>See Alicia Keys above. It's simply not cool to say you don't like the smoky jazz of Norah Jones. If need be, you lie. She beat out a fairly strong group: Ashanti, Michelle Branch, Avril Lavigne, and professional douchebag John Mayer.

2004 winner: Evanescence

>>Their song "Bring Me to Life" is nothing short of sonic dynamite, but they might as well now be in the witness relocation program. A better choice would have been the charismatic 50 Cent... which reminds us: why wasn't Eminem ever nominated for this award?

2005 winner: Maroon 5

>>A fun, peppy band that cranks out catchy songs, but no one can argue that nominee Kanye West is more talented, more important, and more relevant. He should have won, hands down.

2006 winner: John Legend

>>We hear good things about John Legend, but we know nothing about him other than he likes to wear skinny ties. We'll defer to the Grammys on this one, though if it we were voting, the winner would have been Sugarland.

2007 winner: Carrie Underwood

>>Love her or hate her, there's no denying she's the real deal. Another rare slam dunk for the Grammys.

2008 winner: Amy Winehouse

>>Keep in mind this was before she went cuckoo. Amy was a very trendy, very popular pick so it's hard to argue. Everyone loved her. We don't know what a Ledisi is, but a case could maybe be made for the other nominees Feist, Paramore, and Taylor Swift (whom we're still not sure if she's talented or simply way too precocious and cute).

2009 winner: Adele

>>The jury's probably still out on these last few awards. That said, we think it's safe to say that time will not be kind to fellow nominee the Jonas Brothers. We do still have hope for Duffy and Lady Antebellum.

2010 winner: Zac Brown Band

>>Sure, why not? We sure never heard of Keri Hilson, MGMT, or Silversun Pickups. They sound made-up.

So what's the score? By our count, out of 40 awards, we agree with 13 wins. That's a 32% success rate. If only this were baseball.

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Top ten high school cafeteria items

There may have been a lot wrong with the Dallas Independent School District in the late 1980s, but cafeteria food wasn't one of them. At least not to the unsophisticated palate of a 17-year-old Cheese Fry, standing in a long line under old fluorescent lights with two dollars burning a hole in his pocket. Entrees were 95 cents, people. Two bucks and you got two lunch plates (including the beverage - which would almost always be the red fruit punch in the little plastic cups), plus a dime back in change.

1. Pepperoni pizza - We cannot verify that the little pepperoni-flavored chunks were pepperoni, but we can verify that it tasted very good. Plus, extra credit for the novelty of being rectangular, not wedge-shaped. Came in cool little cardboard containers.

2. "Fiesta Salad" - So good we've since reverse-engineered the recipe in our Cheese Fry test kitchen to bring a little taste of the 80s to today. Rice, beans, lettuce, meat, cheese, tomatoes... and the secret ingredient, Fritos.

3. Beef burritos - The Cheese Fry's political activism appeared at an early age. When the cafeteria manager inexplicably changed burrito suppliers, leading to a subpar burrito substitution, we wrote a scathing letter to the school newspaper editor. The burritos, needless to say, got changed back.

4. Little Debbie Nutty Bar - If you've ever had one, then you know what we're talking about.

5. Hamburgers - Small and simple. Like sliders before there was such a thing.

6. Chocolate milk - Admit it, you miss those little miniature cartons that you could pop open and drink from.

7. Salad bar - We thought we were being progressive and healthy. Lots of great greenery... quickly flooded with watery ranch dressing out of an industrial-sized pump bottle. Yum.

8. Rolls - We've never had a roll so fluffy and soft.

9. Salisbury steak - What public school doesn't consider this a lunch room staple?

10. Little Debbie Star Crunch - A cousin of the Nutty Bar, but slightly less expensive. And with a considerably stranger name.

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Television reporter crush evolution

Lisa McRee, WFAA (Channel 8) - c. 1989

Elizabeth Vargas, ABC's "Good Morning America" - c. 1994

Bonnie Bernstein, CBS Sports - c. 2002

Vera Jimenez, KCBS (Channel 2) - c. 2005

Ann Curry, NBC's "The Today Show" - c. 2009

Andy Adler, KNBC (Channel 4) - c. 2011

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Live blogging Super Bowl XLV

* Random Super Bowl memory #6: Sitting at the laptop throughout Super Bowl XLV (Packers beat the Steelers) to blog snarky, pithy commentary that no one will read. Next year: Cowboys over Jets, 28-24. See you there.

* This feels right, don't you think? Roethlisberger is a solid two-time Super Bowl winner. He's just not a three-time winner.

* We just hope Brett Favre is watching from his Mississippi compound. The Packers have officially moved on, Mr. Unretirement.

* For the Steelers, one... last... chance... No good!

* Packers now lead by six. The pessimist in us figures this will just set up Roethlisberger to score a touchdown as time expires to win the game by one point and further burnish his image.

* To the geniuses in the stands holding a "You're in Steeler Country" sign. Geographically speaking, you're in Cowboy Country.

* Jennings is wide open. The Cheese Fry could have run that route and got the touchdown.

* The Packers' Jordy Nelson: it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

* Harbinger of things to come? Steelers fumble the ball away.

* We're calling it now with 19 seconds to go in the third quarter. Steelers will win the game. Packers look completely overmatched.

* Joe Buck and Troy Aikman aren't in the booth. They're in the Command Center.

* Could ESPN's Colin Cowherd be right? His take: Aaron Rodgers is great at executing a first-half game plan, but struggles in the second half when the opponent makes adjustments and a quarterback must do more quick-thinking improvisations. That's what seems to be happening here.

* "Imported from Detroit." Clever. But we'd still never buy a Chrysler, Eminem.

* Harbinger of things to come? Big sack on Big Ben.

* Harbinger of things to come? Steelers get a huge defensive stop. The momentum, as they say, is turning Pittsburgh's way.

* The secret to getting the Cheese Fry to see a "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel? Give it a running time of less than two hours.

* Wondering which seats the old men from the Visa spot are sitting in. You know, the one where those characters have never yet missed attending a Super Bowl in person.

* Yep. It's a game. 21-17. Wake up, Green Bay.

* Steelers are about to make this a game.

* Ozzy Osbourne probably seems clever and trendy in some Madison Ave. ad agency boardroom, but that's not the same as being clever and trendy in the real world.

* How frustrating it must be to get knocked out of a Super Bowl because of injury.

* Don't say this Super Bowl is coming to you live from Dallas. The taxpayers of the City of Arlington paid a lot of money to Jerry Jones for that stadium. Give them their due.

* Random Super Bowl memory #5: Watching Super Bowl XXXVIII (Patriots beat the Panthers) among a group of retirees on a Caribbean cruise and being one of the few people rooting for New England. Didn't know gray-haired folks could give dirty looks like that.

* We didn't much like "I've Had the Time of My Life" when it was on the radio the first time in 1986. Sorry, we think it's written "(I've Had) The Time of My Life." How pretentious are parentheses in pop songs?

* You may not like the Black Eyed Peas, but at least they're still relevant and making hit songs, and not some creaky relic of classic rock appealing only to the 40+ demo. Which is what the Super Bowl halftime usually delivers.

* To the layman, doesn't it seem like the Black Eyed Peas are really just Will.i.am and Fergie? What do those other two dudes contribute?

* All that hype about Fox Sports' "Sounds of the Game" and it's just a bunch of unintelligible shouting and hollering (with the occasional swear word dumped). Lame.

* You didn't hold 'em, Packers. Now it's 21-10.

* Hold 'em, Packers, hold 'em.

* Are we really so unable to delay gratification (or be alone with our thoughts) for more than 60 seconds that we need the new Chevy Cruze to read our Facebook page to us? This is not a good sign, people. The radio is enough of a distraction while you're piloting several thousand pounds of metal and glass at 50 mph, don't you think? Really, can't you wait to learn that your next-door neighbor had a Coke Zero for lunch?

* Regarding Jennings' touchdown catch, as the coach said to Nick Nolte in North Dallas Forty: "Now that's concentration."

* If the half ends 21-3, the Packers will win the ball game. Print it.

* Harbinger of things to come? Big Ben throws interception number two. Perhaps the K-word is alive and well. Karma. Don't worry, Ben. Losing the game won't affect your ability to pick up coeds in college bars.

* Not sure if the people freezing outside the stadium, having paid money to watch the game on a TV not completely dissimilar from the TV they probably have in their living room, are loyal NFL fans or stupid NFL fans. Or both.

* We don't understand exactly what "Super 8" is about, but we want to go to there.

* Sell it all you want, Marvel and Paramount. But "Thor" looks really, really stupid.

* Maybe the U.S. military should look into applications for Coca-Cola. If it can turn a dragon's fire-breath into fireworks, maybe we should be pouring it on Iran's nuclear reactors.

* Oh yay. Another "Transformers" movie. Just what none of us needed.

* We have "Almost Famous" to thank for giving new life to Elton John's annoying "Tiny Dancer."

* So much for a Super Bowl shutout.

* As we said in college, that there is some sticky D, Packers.

* We're a red-blooded, girlcrazy American male who (somewhat) proudly had a Maxim subscription for many years, but the Go Daddy commercials are always on the wrong side of being skanky and sleazy.

* Something undeniably universal about the panic from accidentally hitting "Reply All" on an e-mail.

* Big Ben's not going to last the full game.

* Claymation Eninem. Brilliant.

* Harbinger of things to come? Packers get a "pick six," a football term that seemed to have suddenly come into vogue this season. Like last year's "bubble screen."

* Kia Optima commercial. Best so far (not counting the movie spots).

* "Cowboys and Aliens." One of those genius ideas that seems so obvious, you wonder why you didn't think of it. Plus Olivia Wilde.

* What's with the violent Pepsi Max commercials? Two so far have featured someone getting hit in the head with a can.

* Harbinger of things to come? Packers score first touchdown.

* "Fast Five," huh? Do we need to have seen the last three in order to understand it?

* Hard to believe that not too long ago the networks didn't keep the score in the corner of the screen. Seems like such a no-brainer now. Thanks, Fox Sports.

* Switching a cheeseburger for a bar of soap. Funny, Pepsi Max.

* Thanks to TweetDeck's realtime updates, it's like we're watching the game with Sports Illustrated's uber-columnist Peter King.

* Uh oh. Mendenhall breaks off a big run.

* Random Super Bowl memory #4: The Cheese Fry was only seven when Super Bowl XIII was played (Cowboys lose to the Steelers). While we have only a hazy memory of the game, our strongest memory is the realization that each team got to have its logo painted in one of the end zones.

* There's no way to conclusively study it, but one wonders what role the Madden video game played in elevating the average fan's understanding of the Xs and Os of football. It certainly changed how we look at the game.

* How many times does a ball change hands at the bottom of a pile?

* Harbinger of things to come? Steelers go three and out.

* Random Super Bowl memory #3: Being unable to see Super Bowl XXXIII (Atlanta loses to Denver) because of work-related travel and having to see a small slice of the game at the Salt Lake City airport.

* Mike Tomlin is the same age as the Cheese Fry? Look where he is. Look where we are. May be time to start drinking beer.

* You have to admire Deion Sanders' wardrobe. Look at that shirt.

* Shannon Sharpe was a great player, but he may be one of the most annoying sports commentators working today. Something about the way he over-enunciates drives us crazy. It's like his teeth are too big for his mouth.

* Now the Super Bowl tries to pretend it's as important and significant as world history's greatest and most tragic moments... and even hired Michael Douglas to prove it. Yes yes, the game unites us all, but sometimes the back-patting self-importance gets ridiculous. It's a game, people, that involves a weirdly-shaped leather ball.

* "Heeeeaaaaahhhh... That's so dumb."

* LivingSocial. Funny ad, but we don't get what they're selling.

* "Kung Fu Panda" seems underrated. Way more funny and action-packed than it gets credit for.

* How pathetic that the Cheese Fry and Ms. Cheese Fry are actually having a discussion about whether Christina Aguilera is getting a divorce; A) who cares? and B) how is it that we actually sort of know her personal situation? Thanks, culture of "Access Hollywood" and Us Weekly. Those brain cells can surely be better spent on other, more important questions.

* Random fact: playing a marching snare drum with a tradition grip is no easy feat.

* Mike Tomlin always looks like he should have laser beams coming out of his eyes to better burn your soul to a charred crisp.

* Lea Michele: a future ex-Ms. Cheese Fry.

* Very sad that the Bears didn't get Walter Payton a touchdown in Super Bowl XX. William "Refrigerator" Perry is a bad, 1980s punchline unworthy of carrying Payton's used towel.

* Falcons on the bus. Play 60. Yes!

* Isn't Dr. House always risking his career? Yawn.

* Eagerly anticipating "Battle Los Angeles."

* Jennifer Aniston's agent should get a bonus for finally getting her into a movie that will be a sure-fire hit.

* We're mostly okay with Christina Aguilera, but we're not a fan of those who take the national anthem and twist it into an opera performance full of arpeggio runs and long, look-at-me notes. Reckon she won't be able to resist the temptation.

* At least Sam Elliott lent his gravel baritone to both teams' clip packages and didn't play favorites. He's also selling us trucks today (see below).

* Prediction: Packers 31, Steelers 24.

* We're not sure if we know anyone who still watches "The Simpsons" every week as if it were still 1998.

* We've heard that some people don't like Joe Buck. He may come off a little prudish and nerdy, but he seems solid to us. To us, the best play-by-play guy remains Pay Summerall.

* There's a graduate thesis to be written about the patriotic imagery and tough-guy language used in television ads to sell pickup trucks to American males. We may have to explore this further.

* We don't get NASCAR. And it's probably for the best. How many sports can one person really watch and still get out of the house?

* Random Super Bowl memory #2: Drinking too much to fully remember the Cowboys win over the Bills in Super Bowl XXVIII. So maybe it's not really a memory.

* Clearly, the middle of the Declaration of Independence isn't quite as catchy and poetic as the preamble.

* We hope we get to see the "Play 60" spot with the Atlanta Falcons one last time.

* Not sure why the Super Bowl needs to include a civics lesson. Thanks, Colin Powell, for explaining the importance of the Declaration of Independence.

* Another reason to root against the Steelers: keeping ex-Cowboy Flozell "False Start" Adams from getting a Super Bowl ring.

* "Limitless." Interesting.

* A former girlfriend worked for Taco Bell's media campaign. One of the company's prime customer demographics: college students out late at night who were drunk, looking for a greasy meal. This was accepted as fact.

* We took a tour of Cowboys Stadium. It's bigger than it looks. Impossibly big. You can put the Statue of Liberty on the 50-yard-line and close the roof over her torch.

* As much as we always enjoy the "Fox NFL Sunday" crew, if we had to dump one... it'd have to be Michael Strahan. Howie Long covers the same ground, don't you think?

* Regarding "Drive Angry," does the average viewer really fall for the trick where "reviews" are quoting critics and bloggers from fanboy places like Ain't It Cool News?

* What's the harder phone call to make? Calling NFL commissioner Roger Goddell to break the news about the fire marshal removing thousands of seats? Or calling Jerry Jones?

* We're not sure Ben Roethlisberger will ever completely rehab his image among non-Steeler homers, no matter how many disarming sit-downs he may do with Terry Bradshaw.

* Random Super Bowl memory #1: During the pregame of Super Bowl XXXVII, our viewing party was interrupted by a neighbor who was a full-on, card-carrying member of Raider Nation. This character was decked out in silver and black head to toe. Including the obligatory face paint. He was loud, cocky, and 100% fired up for certain victory, the flames likely kindled by several cases of room-temperature Coors Light. But once the Raiders fell behind, and then lost to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers... uh oh. Raider Neighbor stopped popping into the party. We always wondered how sad he must have been wiping off the face paint, looking in the mirror, listening to his old mix tape of Judas Priest and Dokken, and thinking about what could have been. Especially considering the absurdly perpetual futility of the Raiders ever since.

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Television verisimilitude

We know the procedural shows we enjoy on television aren't documentaries. We've heard enough exasperated complaints from friends to know this - one attorney friend refuses to watch "Law & Order" shows because he finds them so utterly ridiculous and unrealistic. But no network drama can show 44 minutes of phone calls and e-mail sending.

We recently stumbled onto a website that examines in detail the law enforcement reality of TNT's "Southland" (who occupies a high rank in the DVR to-do list). How realistic is the show? If you believe blogger Lee Lofland, very.

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Woe are the post offices

It's not nice to admit, but we take great pleasure in reading stories of the U.S. Postal Service's economic troubles. Today comes news that the USPS is considering closing 2000 offices in a desperate attempt to cut costs and close massive budget deficits. How can you not smirk a little.

It doesn't take a Wharton MBA to diagnose the problem facing the USPS. All you need to do is spend time interacting with clerks at your neighborhood post office. If ever there was a more inefficient, disinterested, and lazy collection of workers than those who often staff the counters at a USPS post office, we have yet to have the misfortune of meeting them. Finding a friendly, competent postal clerk is a miracle on par with finding an extinct tree frog in the Amazon.

(The dullards who work at Rite-Aids could maybe make the contest interesting. We often wonder what sort of employment screening process goes into the hiring of Rite-Aid workers. No matter what location you visit, the workers are lost, confused, and always seem startled to have to work the cash register. Luckily, we now live in a Rite-Aid-free-zone and enjoy CVS and Walgreens. But we digress.)

Here are our observations about post office clerks.**

* Lazy - Why work quickly to make a transaction fast and snappy when you can move ever so slowly and drag everything out? No one's in a hurry here. It's not like we have a limited lunch hour to eat and run multiple errands. Take your time. Reach over there... and then reach over there... now thumb through the stamps - not too fast! Whatever you do, don't exert yourself. Bonus points for having to walk "in the back" to get something or ask a question, thus allowing customers to witness your laborious shuffle-step in excruciating half-speed.

* Chatty - You may have regular customers like Norm from "Cheers," but most people in line don't know you or your nephew or your crazy mother-in-law you like to talk about. Most people in line would rather have their wisdom teeth pulled than spend one more moment in your drab, airless lobby staring at out-of-date sales posters featuring Looney Tunes stamps. No one wants to watch you catch up with the lady who comes in once a week with sixteen packages for her boss. And your willingness to chew the fat with customers is always in direct proportion to the length of your line of customers.

* Stubborn - Speaking of long lines, no matter how long the line may get, please do not take the initiative to call for additional workers to come help you. You'll get to us when you get to us, right? More galling are the peals of laughter coming from the back as your coworkers dick around while we're forced to look at the back of the bald man in front of you for the 16th minute and wonder how he thinks he's going to ship a shoebox that isn't taped closed. Why can't your coworkers come out for a few minutes to chip in? Are they not properly trained in the sophisticated art of cash register button-pushing? That goes double for you, too, post office worker who actually walks by the counter, sees the long line, frowns, and then keeps right on walking.

* Upseller - If we want insurance or proof of delivery or any other damn stupid service you attempt to provide (seriously, the only difference between first-class mail and Priority Mail is the fancy red and blue envelope, right?), we'll ask. How many millions of collective minutes in this country are wasted each week by postal clerks running through their lame laundry list of additional services that you have to say "no" "no" "no" to? I'm mailing a letter to the Gas Company. Why would I want to insure it?

We suspect by now you sense a theme: bureaucratic short-sightedness and sedentary inefficiencies and a complete disinterest in customer service. Slow workers displaying little productivity will of course undermine an organization's profitability. The work of one motivated employee is spread out among three unmotivated employees, all of whom get paid the same. How about cutting loose some of the dead weight? Maybe the workers left behind might put a little bounce in their step. No, that won't work. Instead, let's just raise the postage rates. Or cut back to five days of delivery. That makes sense, right?

Some may argue that we don't understand the complex systems at work here. The problem is not so easily resolved. True, but all we can go by is what we see. And we see big problems. Most legitimate companies do everything they can to hide those problems. The USPS will let anyone take a look for little more than 44 cents.

**A disclaimer: post office mail carriers out lugging those big mail sacks and driving trucks from the passenger seat are a completely different breed, often helpful, energetic, and proactive in ways their in-house coworkers could never be.

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We're told these are our favorite 20 movies of all time

The internet is nothing if it's not a repository for time-wasting addictions. One of our new favorites is Flickchart. By using some kind of fancy algorithm, Flickchart compiles your favorite movies by simply asking you an either/or question for a pair of movies. For example, which is better, The Dark Knight or Swingers? Click your favorite of the two, then up pops another pair. And so on.

Over the last few months, we clicked on 6000 of these pairs. Yes, 6000. The process allowed us to rank over 1000 movies. We tried to stick to one guiding principle in making the choices - would we want to see the movie again? Sure, we all can appreciate the originality of Citizen Kane or the raw power of The Deer Hunter. But like so many films, once was enough thank you very much.

So what did Flickchart tell us?

* We have contemporary tastes. The oldest movie on our top-20 is 1969's Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and that one's probably ranked too high.

* Comedies aren't worthy. As much as we love a good comedy, our top-20 is exclusively action, drama, or thrillers. (Although curiously, one could argue that Dazed and Confused is a dramedy with a good dose of humor.) We're just like the Academy, it seems. Only "serious" movies are worthy of our praise.

* Nostalgia counts for a lot. Is The Breakfast Club truly among the best ten movies ever made? Of course not. But it struck just the right chord with us at just the right age and has ever since been an iconic film with a special place in our memory.

Here's our list (as of now):

1. Dazed and Confused - We really love this movie, but didn't realize how much we love it. But a number-one ranking feels right. In fact, it was just on some random cable channel today. We flipped past it, saw it, wound up watching 20 minutes. Considering it's mostly about high schoolers hanging out in a single 12-hour period, it's surprisingly compelling.

2. Die Hard - Obviously. The standard bearer for all post-80s action. I'm going to count to three. There will not be a four.

3. Children of Men - To give you an obnoxious Hollywood pitch, "It's Die Hard meets the end of the world." Genius. Probably the best post-apocalyptic movie ever.

4. Jaws - We can watch any part of it at any time - and it's probably playing on TBS right now. You're going to need a bigger boat.

5. Erin Brockovich - We're big fans of director Steven Soderberg and this is one of his best. The investigative thriller masquerading as a melodrama, with Julia Roberts giving the performance of her career. Even so, this ranking seems kind of high. One thing about Flickchart, the more movies get added to the list you're comparing, the harder it is for titles to move up or down. You have to hit just the right combination to bump a title one way or another. It's like slots.

6. Lethal Weapon 2 - Classic action comedy. We've seen it countless times, thanks mostly to the summer of 1989 when we worked at a movie theater that played it. I'm not a cop tonight, Roger.

7. Star Wars - At this point, I think we can all agree there's a certain amount of corniness here. And it's way too long. And the effects are... well, they're kind of quaint now. But nostalgia alone puts this in the top 10. We were in kindergarten when this thing blew our minds. These aren't the droids you're looking for.

8. The Breakfast Club - Way too high. A few more hundred clicks and this one would likely take a tumble.

9. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid - We ranked this one high early in the process, before we came up with the "would I watch it again?" rule. And it's been hard to get it to fall. We watched this again recently and we're probably good for another five years or so. What are you worried about? The fall'll probably kill you.

10. Syriana - We only saw this once, but it's the kind of gritty, complicated, "real" movie we always love. It stuck with us.

11. Lost in Translation - Yes yes, this is an acquired taste. Few of our friends liked it. But it's incredibly poetic and lush, a calm, quiet movie about random connections that have an unexpectedly profound impact. Plus, it's got Scarlett Johansson at her absolutely most enchanting.

12. Thelma and Louise - Perfect in just about every way, including the controversial ending. The men are all pigs (except for Harvey Keitel), but so what? Most times, yeah, we're all pigs. I can't tell if they're smart or lucky. Brains will only get you so far and luck always runs out.

13. No Country for Old Men - Another fairly recent title, but one that was seared in our mind. Epic scope, powerhouse acting, big themes, and a palpable sense of foreboding.

14. Memento - Probably ranked too low here. One of the most ridiculously clever scripts ever written. A masterpiece of plotting. Absolutely worthy of repeat viewings.

15. Spiderman 2 - It may be the best superhero movie of all time. Name a better one.

16. Empire Strikes Back - Definitely ranked too low, but Flickchart never asked us to pick between Star Wars and Empire. Star Wars would lose every time. The best of the six movies, without question. Anyone who says otherwise deserves to be frozen in carbonite. They should be perfectly fine... if they survive the freezing process.

17. Silence of the Lambs - Another polished gem from start to finish. Swept the five major Oscars (Actor, Actress, Director, Script, Picture). We won't blame it for launching the post-90s obsession with serial killers. Insert your own fava bean joke here.

18. Titanic - We were tempted to not vote for this one. It's a little embarrassing to admit liking this because now - 15 years later - it's become cool to make fun of the movie's dorkier elements and the way it appealed to 12-year-old girls (which is also the reason it made $1 billion with a B). But if we were to be perfectly honest, then it belongs on this list. We'd watch it again.

19. Independence Day - Another popcorn movie that appealed to wide audiences but wouldn't be in a discussion about truly "great" cinema. But there's something to be said about making good, solid populist entertainment. Ask Steven Spielberg. Among end-of-the-world disaster movies, none are this rousing and shamelessly patriotic. Bill Pullman for president.

20. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - This one's ranked too high. We admired it, enjoyed it. But we wouldn't rush out to see it again. Probably the film snob in us put a thumb on the scale for this one.

If you're curious, just missing the top 20 were: Swingers, Gone Baby Gone, Tootsie (a comedy!), Tombstone, Contact, Sunshine, Atonement, Forgetting Sarah Marshall (another comedy!), Rear Window (an old movie from before we were born!), and Slumdog Millionaire.

For the record, had Flickchart given us a chance, we would have put The Parallax View in our top-10. One of the creepiest, gritty, and most claustrophobic political thrillers ever made. Warren Beatty tries to infiltrate a secret agency that creates assassins. Rent it.

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Cassette tape rewind: senior winter

The Cheese Fry was sunny with optimism in January of 1994. Kicking it in a sweet (if slightly ramshackle) apartment just a ten-minute walk from campus, dating a 20-year-old sophomore, daring to skip those boring film criticism classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, enjoying the prestige that comes from being of legal drinking age, looking forward to another summer working at cheerleader camps (yes, you read that right), and in general, strutting around like some big-time, cool college senior (our creaky sky blue 1979 Ford Granada not withstanding).

Here's the rundown of the top songs in the country just 17 short years ago: January 17, 1994.

1. Mariah Carey "Hero" - We're not ashamed to admit that some Mariah Carey songs (e.g. "Vision of Love" and "Anytime You Need a Friend") are guilty pleasures. But this one is particularly treacly and saccharine, the sort of thing written mainly to play at high school proms.

2. Bryan Adams "All for Love" - From his toothless, soundtrack period, not his angry-but-harmless Reckless rocker period. Seriously, how cool are the first few seconds of "Summer of 69"? Don't lie.

3. Ace of Base "All That She Wants" - We really like this song now, perhaps for pure cheesy nostalgia, but hated it back then. One of those songs that got very very overplayed on the radio.

4. Janet Jackson "Again" - We don't remember it.

5. Toni Braxton "Breathe Again" - Catchy in that 1990s smooth R&B sort of way. But when we think of Toni Braxton, we always think of the way romantic jealousies involving her helped break up the 1990s high-scoring Dallas Mavericks. Not to be confused with the 2000s high-scoring Mavericks who utterly collapsed in the 2006 Finals against our Sworn Enemy Dwyane Wade. But that's another blog post.

6. DRS "Gangsta Lean" - We had to go to iTunes for a refresher. It didn't help. If we didn't know better, we would have sworn this thing never got played on the radio.

7. Michael Bolton "I Said I Loved You But I Lied" - Can we all agree that the scorn and ridicule heaped upon Bolton is entirely deserved and warranted? How did this guy have a career?

8. Tag Team "Whoomp! (There It Is)" - A song whose life was unforgivably extended by its use at big sporting events. Criminally inane.

9. Tevin Campbell "Can We Talk" - Never heard of it.

10. Snoop Doggy Dogg "What's My Name?" - Now we're talking. Yeeah. We had yet to embrace the appeal of hip-hop in 1994. We were still in our Singles-Reality Bites (the two epochal movies of Generation X) grunge phase. But there's no denying the "Snoop Dog-gy Dogg-oh-ogg" hook.

In 2009, we looked at the top of the charts for July 1989.

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Clear eyes, full heart

The Onion offers a thorough examination of the Cheese Fry's favorite coach, Eric Taylor. Sorry, Jimmy Johnson.

Next question: where can we get us a pair of those ominous wraparound shades that Coach Taylor likes to wear as he stalks the practice field each day after school?

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10 over-unders: 2000s movies

The Cheese Fry thought it'd be easy to examine the big theatrical releases from 2000-2010 and put together a list of "overrated" and "underrated." What are the movies that have great reputations from wide audience and/or critics, but are actually quite ordinary and fail to live up to the hype? What are the films that were dismissed by moviegoers or panned by critics, but - if given a fair shake - prove to be worthy, compelling, and overcome bad press?

Turns out, most movies are rated exactly where they should be. Most people would agree that Little Miss Sunshine is almost a perfect movie while Van Helsing is absolutely terrible. Great movies attract good word-of-mouth and critical acclaim. Even if they flop at the box office, most people recognize those movies as being quality titles. "I heard that was good," they say. Conversely, lame movies suffer appropriately from negative worth-of-mouth and critical disgust. This includes huge hits at the box office. Millions saw Transformers, but how many really thought it was as good as American cinema can deliver? As a whole, we all collectively have a realistic understanding of what's good and what's bad.

So then, how to come up with a list of overrated and underrated of the 2000s? It's a shorter list than we figured it would be. So we made it nice and even and kept the list to just ten each.

Underrated - You may have heard it wasn't all that good (or just, you know, okay), certainly not worth your $10 at a local theater. But trust us. It's way better than you expect.

* 3:10 to Yuma

* 8 Mile - That Eminem kid, he can act.

* Blue Crush

* Bring It On - Unjustly diminished by a raft of lame sequels.

* Cloverfield

* The Interpreter - The sort of sophisticated, important drama/thriller that older audiences claim to love, yet never pay money to see.

* Reign of Fire - If you're going to do a dragon siege movie, make it a good one.

* Resident Evil

* V for Vendetta

* The Village - The backlash against M. Night is big and it is relentless. The Happening deserved moviegoers scorn and ridicule, but not this one.

Overrated - You probably heard it was amazing in every way. You have to go see it immediately. Uh, no you don't. Overblown and underwhelming.

* A Beautiful Mind

* Anchorman - Why does Will Ferrell insist on making us pay to see him try to amuse himself and his friends?

* Avatar

* The Dark Knight - Good, yes. The second coming of film, no.

* Gladiator

* Inception - See "The Dark Knight" above.

* Juno - Its snarky, too-cool-for-school preciousness wore out its welcome by the end of opening weekend.

* There Will Be Blood - And in the audience, there will be sleep. Sorry, couldn't resist. It's like that awful painting you see in the museum that you try to like because everyone tells you it's genius.

* Tropic Thunder

* Unfaithful

What do you think? Agree with this list? Are we way off base? Do you have your own over-unders?

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Why you didn't win your fantasy football championship

* Waited too long to draft a quarterback (you were too busy loading up on #2 running backs)

* Drafted a quarterback too soon (why aren't you loading up on #2 running backs?)

* Lost a key game the one week you would have beat everyone else but your opponent

* Lost a key game the one week your opponent would have lost to everyone else but you

* Didn't make enough trades (you foolishly thought your team was solid when it was actually quite mediocre)

* Made too many trades (you foolishly thought your team was mediocre when it was actually quite solid)

* Didn't trust your gut about that one rookie and he turned into a 12-points-a-week superstar (who knew)

* Trusted your guy about that one rookie and he turned into a 0-points-a-week bust (who knew)

* Put too much emphasis on getting a good defense (defense wins championships)

* Didn't put nearly enough emphasis on getting a good defense (good defenses are a dime a dozen)

* Drank too much at the draft and made stupid, risky decisions (next year: Coke on ice)

* Didn't drink enough at the draft and made too-safe, conservative decisions (next year: whiskey in a flask)

* Put too much faith in the weekly fantasy website rankings (they're the experts)

* Put too little faith in the weekly fantasy website rankings (what the hell do they know?)

* Did way too much research before the draft and over-thought every move (look at my three-ring binder)

* Did too little research before the draft and used uneducated guesswork to make every move (look at my brand-new unopened fantasy magazine and my Sharpie pen)

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2011 will be the Year of the Tweet

The Cheese Fry has at last joined the social media tsunami and taken steps to take full advantage of its foamy fury.

Specifically:

1. You'll find now under each post a little "Tweet" icon that will allow those interested to tweet any worthy blog entry. Take one down and pass it around.
2. You'll also notice in the far right column a feed to the Cheese Fry's Twitter account. Our invaluable 140-character observations on pop culture will be featured not only on Twitter but here on the Blogger "mother ship."
3. This blog is also now 100% searchable via your local neighborhood search engine.

Tell your friends and spread the word!

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Another catchy commercial

Here's another recent TV spot that we find ourselves humming long after it ends. AdTunes (via a quick Google search) tells us the song is called "Chugjug" by a group called Family of the Year.

There's also something hypnotic about the visuals as well. Advertising research shows that one of the best ways to sell a product is to make a consumer think others are already using it - we all want to be a part of the crowd and belong. This spot surely drives that point home with style and warmth.

And yes, the Cheese Fry is a proud Advil user.

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My mascot can beat up your mascot (NBA edition)

If imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, who better to flatter than ourselves?

We ranked the NFL mascots last year and wanted to do the same exercise for the NBA. Which basketball mascots, in the real world, are the scariest? Which would you not want to meet in a cage match?

1. Suns– In theory, there’s nothing more powerful than a sun. Heat, light, radiation. And we’re talking plural suns here. It’s really no contest. Plus they have Steve Nash.

Next up are the big animals that can take you out with one flick of their claws/horns.

2. Raptors – We saw Jurassic Park.
3. Grizzlies
4. Bulls

Now the aggressive humans.

5. Warriors – It’s right there in the name. They fight. But then again, they are from the Golden State. How fierce can they really be?
6. Wizards – We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt here and assume the can cast some really nasty spells.
7. Kings – They’ll just order someone else to kill you, like a Warrior or a Wizard.

Which leads to the smaller animals. You can probably fend them off, but they’ll do some serious damage first

9. Bobcats
10. Bucks
11. Hawks
12. Hornets – But only if we’re talking a swarm. One on one, it’s no contest. Just get some Black Flag.

We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel now. Nothing much scary left. Might as well have an NBA team called the Accountants or the iPods.

13. Mavericks – Presumably they like to do things their own way.
14. Blazers
15. Celtics
16. Cavaliers – Whatever, dude. We’re, like, totally cavalier.
17. Lakers – We’ve never met a laker in the real world. Have you?

Now come some a couple of strange abstractions.

18. Heat – If we give the Suns the number-one slot, we should at least give heat some props.
19. Magic – Seriously, though. The "Magic"? Are they serious?

Which leaves a bunch of inanimate objects. A curious trend for NBA teams.

20. Rockets – Stick a nuclear warhead on the tip and we’ll see who’s scary.
21. Pacers
22. Clippers
23. Pistons
24. Spurs – They’d have to be really, really sharp spurs.
25. Thunder – Your mascot, Oklahoma City, is essentially sound waves.
26. Nuggets – You could hock them, we suppose.

It’s a four-way tie for last place.

27. Nets – At least it’s basketball-related. The next expansion team may want to look into trademarking the name Gatorade-Bottles.
27. Knicks – Aren’t these a kind of pants?
27. 76ers – Which is a what exactly, someone very very patriotic?
27. Jazz – At least thunder can startle you. Nothing much startling about “Birdland.”

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Knee-jerk review: ESPN's 30 for 30 "Pony Excess"

1. The Cheese Fry was a geeky freshman at Southern Methodist University for the fall 1990 football season, the second season back from SMU's infamous "death penalty" punishment for repeated NCAA recruiting violations. For all four years of our college attendance, we witnessed first-hand the severity of that punishment. If we could muster a handful of wins, it was a miracle (Texas Tech beat the hell out of SMU one cold Saturday afternoon without throwing the ball a single time).
2. To this date, we harbor a deep, burning hatred for the University of Houston for its 95-21 shellacking of SMU in 1989. Andre Ware (one of those Heisman winner flameouts; poetic justice, if you ask us) was throwing the ball as time expired, hoping to crack triple-digits. Jackasses, each and every one of them. The funny part? We weren't even an SMU student at the time. We hate them anyway.
3. No college program will ever again get the "death penalty." The NCAA sees now that it's not just suspending a single season, but gutting an entire program for 20 years.
4. As one of the players describes the 1989 comeback season: "We weren't big, but we were slow."
5. Personal note: the Cheese Fry went to SMU with the filmmaker's older brother.
6. An impressive array of talking heads. Just about every local Dallas sportscaster and sportwriter is on hand to offer opinion and overviews, including the incomparable Dale Hansen of WFAA whose on-air expose signaled the beginning of the end.
7. They even dug up the old KXAS sports guy Scott Murray, surely the nerdiest, most uncool sportscaster ever.
8. Not sure if it's amusing or chilling that Eric Dickerson still won't say why he chose to come to SMU.
9. Great sound bites, as expected, from Skip Bayless and Norm Hitzges. We are big fans.
10. Little did we know that the Coach-Getting-Out-While-the-Getting-Is-Good move, recently executed by USC's Pete Carroll just prior to the Reggie Bush scandal breaking open, was undertaken by SMU coach Ron Meyer. Why stick around when you can let the next coach suffer the fallout?
11. Some very interesting theories are put forth here about how and why the scandal came to be. Most intriguing: the newspaper war between the Dallas Morning News and Dallas Times Herald led to the kind of intense competition that demanded big stories, like prying into the dirty secrets at SMU.
12. How stupid do you have to be to mail illegal cash payments to players' families using university envelopes?
13. We wonder whatever happened to Eric Dickerson's gold Trans-Am.
14. A football scandal that involved the governor of Texas. You can't make this stuff up, people. And one look at Bill Clements, with his squinty smile and down-home accent, and you know the guy is as crooked as they come.
15. SMU was so greedy and arrogant that it seems like they were recruiting and paying players they didn't even really need or want.
16. What might have been if SMU hadn't tied Arkansas in 1982 and instead posted an undefeated season.
17. An interesting theory that the absence of SMU on the Southwest Conference football schedules was the opening that Texas, A&M, and Texas Tech needed to justify leaving the conference.
18. The Cheese Fry had always figured that the "death penalty" was unjustified, but the documentary makes a pretty convincing case for its use. SMU was put on probation and warned many times. They even promised to clean house... and yet still continued to pay its players. With the knowledge of the school's board of directors and administrators. As one of the talking heads points out, this wasn't just some renegade, overzealous booster.
19. We recommend David Whitford's book A Payroll to Meet.
20. Another interesting theory, one may also explain the NCAA trouble the University of Miami faced in the 1980s: upstart programs who suddenly have success upset the apple cart. The traditional powers don't like newcomers to the party, such as when SMU upset Texas on national TV in 1982.
21. We wonder how compelling all of this would be to someone not so invested in Dallas and SMU.
22. Those are some pretty amazing option runs, Eric Dickerson and Craig James.
23. Perfect ending to the documentary - a montage of post-"death penalty" NCAA investigations and sanctions. Big schools cheat. That's just a fact of college football life. The trick is not getting caught.

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