Oompa-Loompa Miscellany part 1

From now-defunct humor magazine Me Head is an old posting on Oompa-Loompa labor trouble:

"Oompa-Loompas Push for Change" by Kabob Stevens

It's been six years since Wonka was forced to renegotiate wages for his staff of Oompa-Loompas; now they're threatening to strike if work conditions don't improve.

Union clerk Sandy Oompa-Meyers predicts that Wonka Corp. can't ignore complaints much longer.

"We've registered our complaints, all the way up to Bucket (Charlie Bucket, CEO of Wonka). He's no vernicious knid - we think he'll listen," explains Oompa-Meyers.

After its original owner, William Wonka, handed the company reigns over to Bucket in the mid-70s, Wonka Corp. experienced a series of hard hits: The company reached a settlement with various child plaintiffs; Grampa Bucket, VP of Operations; resigned over a scandal involving a Loompa intern; and the Everlasting Gobstopper failed to meet public expectations, driving sales further down.

Among the requests Loompas are proposing:

-Clearly marked exit signs.

-On-site career counseling.

-Stature-friendly bathroom facilities.

"If we don't hear from Bucket soon, then oompa-loompa-oompadee-dim, we'll have a secret waiting for him," says Oompa-Meyers.

Bucket's office had no comment on the proposals. Oompa Loompas are renowned for their confection-handling skills and musical work philosophy.

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