1. Shock and disbelief – Did you really just waste a pick on Alex Smith? What the hell is the matter with you? You shouldn’t have been drinking during the draft.
2. Denial – Don’t worry, you can still win the championship with two backup running backs and a 40-year-old receiver. It’s not that bad. It only looks bad on paper.
3. Anger – The one week you finally start the surging Detroit defense and they give up 85 points? Someone must pay and pay dearly. Maybe throwing the remote control out the kitchen window will help... no, turns out that doesn’t help. And now you can’t change the channel and you’re stuck watching Raiders-Chiefs on channel 752.
4. Bargaining – Okay, if Matt Hasselbeck throws for 300 yards and Marion Barber scores five TDs, you’re still in this. Miracles can happen, right? Right? You can always find that super-sleeper on waiver wires, the one scrub player that’s already been picked up and dropped by five other teams. But it’ll be different with you. You can make it work.
5. Guilt – You’ve wasted seven weekends of your life rooting for those go-nowhere New York Giants and all you have is a 2-6 record to show for it. "What does the outside look like on Sundays, daddy?" "Leave me alone, kid, Eli’s finally in the red zone."
6. Depression – Who are you kidding? All you know about football you learned from “Friday Night Lights” and Madden videogames. You couldn’t tell a Cover-2 from a Skinny Post if you had a gun to your pathetic head. You’re useless. No wonder you drafted Alex Smith and started a 40-year-old receiver.
7. Acceptance – There’s always next year.
Full disclosure: this was created for a private fantasy football league (go Anthrax Avalanche!), but we thought our few loyal readers might also enjoy it.