Three interactions with noisy moviegoers

G.I. Jane (1997) - Offender: stupid high-schoolers. Crime: talking and laughing during the movie. Our response: an ear-splitting "Shhh!" followed by our very best stink-eye stare-down when they looked over to see who dared tell them to keep it down.

The Core (2003) - Offender: douchebag high-schooler with his dimwit friends. Crime: carrying on a cell phone conversation in the middle of the movie. Our response: a loud "Shut up!" which prompted a fellow moviegoer to add in a "Can you get off the phone?!" They did and then we spent the rest of the movie wondering where in the parking lot the retribution beatdown would happen.

Mission Impossible 3 (2006) - Offender: middle-aged fool. Crime: performing open-mouthed crunching on a brought-from-home bag of smelly popcorn as the movie started. Our response: gently touching his arm and hissing "Do you mind please keeping it down?"

The lesson to us: only go to movies in...

1. An empty theater (first show on a weekday, preferably) so you can sit as far away as possible from your fellow loathsome humans. They cannot be trusted.

2. A 100% sold out theater (opening weekend evenings) so that the dull murmur of the hundreds of people will drown out the more asinine moviegoers. There's also a peer-pressure in effect: when someone's a jerk, it won't fall only on your shoulders to enforce civility.

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